It’s been no secret that lately I’ve been struggling with being a mom to my kids … feeling overwhelmed, underqualified, impatient, tired and exasperated. Then I had a wake-up call and my attitude has changed. The past week has been one of the best weeks with my kids (minus the tantrums my 2-year-old threw over the weekend at bedtime). This change of heart and mind was confirmed by the sermon I heard on Sunday.
I will admit that I cannot remember much about what our pastor said, but one phrase stuck out. I can’t remember the context, either. (Sorry, Pastor Dave. Saturday night was a rough one with Izzy.) But I recall hearing something about God invading our lives, and something in my mind clicked with that concept.
I remember exactly how God took over my life, when I let Him, but He began invading it long before then. He was wooing me from a young age, through my uncle, my grandparents and friends. I just didn’t get it until I was 19. Actually, I’m not sure I totally “get it” now, but I know one thing: I’m not the same as I was then.
God ruined my life. At least, the life I was living. I was depressed, insecure, desperate for love, on the verge of jumping into a sexually loose lifestyle and ignorant of who I was or what I wanted out of life.
God changed all of that. He gave me joy, security, unfailing love, purity, acceptance, purpose and hope. He ruined the path I was on, and I am forever grateful.
In a similar way, my children have ruined my life. They, too, invaded my life and took over. In a whole new way, my life is not my own. They’ve ruined me for selfishness, laziness, monotony, greed, and independence. Without them in my life, I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, anytime I wanted. I could spend all the money I had on myself and be my own person. Those things are attractive, sometimes, and please don’t think I’m in any way condemning or judging you if you don’t have children. I just know myself and how I would be as a person if God hadn’t given me children.
Sometimes I’m frustrated that my schedule revolves around theirs, that I have to share whatever I’m eating or drinking with my daughter if I’m consuming it while she’s awake, that I can’t even go to the bathroom without her opening the door or calling out, “Mommy, where are you?” And, at times, I’m a little jealous that I have to buy the kids new clothes every few months while my tired wardrobe decays further in my closet. (Except for the new pieces I got for my birthday; thanks Mom and Grandma!)
I may not have known what I was in for when my husband and I decided to have children (at least the first one!) but I knew sacrifice would be involved. The same is true of my faith. In both cases, I can’t stay the same person I was or even do a lot of the things I used to do. Most of the time, that’s a good thing.
I like this song “Miracle” by Audio Adrenaline. The chorus says:
“You took my dreams
And stole my schemes
And turned my life upside down
You took my heart
Stole every part
And made it a miracle”
I wouldn’t trade this miraculous life for what it was before, but when I entertain the thought of going back, I have to remember that this was no hostile takeover of my life. With God and with my kids, I surrendered the ground I was holding and welcomed the invasion.
Nice post, Lisa. Great perspective. I can totally relate with what you wrote. I think a lot of moms feel like this. Isn’t it just great how God helps steer our course with kids? 🙂
I really like this and your expression of God’s effect on your life. I have those days all the time where I feel like my life is ‘ruined’ because it hasn’t gone the way I thought God wanted my life to go, or the way that I wanted it to go. I think my life is ruined by my depression, or my college stuff, or by getting married or by moving to Davenport, or by my job or…a bunch of stuff. Yet, especially lately, God has been showing me more and more how this IS the plan and the life that He has laid out for me and I’m realizing that every part of it is something that I wouldn’t change, even the horrible times, even my depression and the way that it controlled my life for so long.
I really appreciate your honest expression of your frustrations and your realizations. I don’t think anyone can move forward when we’re living masked lives instead of honest open lives.
Also, I really appreciate you and all that you ‘give up’ for your family and kids. It inspires me. It’s not something that feasible for me right now, but it’s something that I want someday and I feel blessed to get a little info and knowledge before hand (and it helps with my view of my boys too).
So yeah…you’re very appreciated
Thanks. And hugs. Whenever I wonder what I might be missing, I just look at these two cuties and realize it can’t be more interesting than them.