New Eyes

“You don’t need the ‘b’ word yet,” my optometrist said to me after she’d finished examining my eyes. I could hear the emphasis on the yet. It–bifocals–was one of my fears going into the appointment. I hadn’t had my eyes checked in probably six years and I knew I was suffering from headaches and eye strain. That my vision had deteriorated, I was not surprised.

How much clearer I could see with a new prescription–that was practically shocking.

Why hadn’t I done this sooner?

The answer to that question is a reflection of my personality. When it comes to making appointments, I drag my feet. I like my schedule, and I don’t like disruptions–even good ones. The process of making a phone call and talking to a person to make an appointment is often exhausting, especially if the date or times I had in mind don’t work. (Online appointment scheduling thrills me, and if I can make an appointment for the next time while I’m standing in front of the scheduler at the end of my appointment, that’s good, too.) 

Another challenge is choosing where to go. My insurance benefits don’t include my eyes, and there are dozens of choices when it comes to optometrists. I opted for Costco because it’s close to work and my house and because they could schedule me for the time I wanted. (Apparently 2 o’clock is a popular time to take lunch if you’re an optometrist.)

Any kind of medical appointment makes me nervous because I’ve usually spent far too long consulting Doctor Google about what my symptoms might mean. I need to leave it to the professionals because it’s never as grim as the Internet would lead me to believe. (This applies to so many things, but I won’t follow that bunny trail.) 

While I waited for my eyes to dilate, I tried on dozens of frames. This is the hardest part for me because it takes time for me to get used to a new look, and I’m never totally confident about what looks good on me. (Sometimes I ask my tween daughter for fashion advice.)  I boldly tried some dark frames but quickly ruled them out because that is not the look for me. I settled on a couple that I thought could work and then I went back in for the rest of the exam. I learned about floaters and why I have them and how they’re just a part of my life to get used to. And she told me what to look out for and to come back in if I experienced anything like that.

I was in good hands with this optometrist, and our personalities clicked somewhat. I don’t know if it’s an age thing, but more and more I want to have a positive relationship with the medical provider I’m seeing, not just a business-like transaction. This experience was more the former, and when I had decided on a pair of frames and paid, I couldn’t wait until I got to bring home my new eyes.

—

How we see the world fascinates me because we all see it differently but none of us can literally see through someone else’s eyes. And none of us really knows what the world looks like for someone else.

I mean this literally, of course, but also in another sense.

The same week I got my eyes checked, my husband and I got our personalities checked. Sort of.

If you’ve been around this online space for more than a couple of months, you’ll know that I’ve latched on to the Enneagram as a way to understand myself and how I operate in the world better. I still have so much to learn about myself.

This most recent foray, though, was not about the Enneagram, although having some knowledge of that tool helped me. Before Christmasl, my husband and I took two online leadership surveys, I guess you’d call them–the Grip-Birkman, by name–as a next step in helping us figure out some things for the future. After taking the assessments, we scheduled a meeting with our coach who is also a friend, and our schedules finally worked out so we could talk about what these results meant.

It was like an exam for my heart and mind. The tests are self-revealing based on questions we’ve answered and the picture shown by the results is like putting on a new pair of glasses. Suddenly, I could see some things more clearly about the words I say and the way I behave in certain situations. And I got a glimpse of how my husband operates in the world.

None of these revelations came as a shock. They made sense to me. But sometimes it takes someone else to help us see what we already know about ourselves.

—

It’s disorienting to put on a new pair of glasses. As the edges sharpen, the change takes some getting used to.

After picking up my new glasses and letting the optical employee adjust them to my face, I walked out of Costco feeling unsteady on my feet and like I was seeing the world anew. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn them home immediately, but Costco is close to my house and I wanted to get used to them right away. Now, I have an entire snow day to let my vision adjust, and if I have a headache, so be it.

Sometimes we don’t know how poor our eyesight has been until we see with new eyes. Adjusting takes time.

Sometimes we don’t know how much we’ve gotten used to our poor eyesight until we change how we see.

I don’t think I’m talking about glasses anymore.

How we perceive the world–events that happen, other people’s circumstances, what it means to be “normal”–is unique to our experiences of the world. Sometimes, that means our vision is poor, or at the very least, short-sighted. And we need someone to help us see better.

Sometimes it’s from a book or a personal interaction. Other times it’s via social media or another kind of media like a documentary or television show.

Just like there is no denying that I have literal vision limitations, I need to recognize that my metaphorical vision also has limitations. I cannot see the whole world clearly from my own head. I need to know what and how others see the world to expand my sight. Sometimes, I need a new pair of glasses.

This has not always been easy. When you start to see with new eyes, you realize how much there is to see.

The example that comes to mind is race. I am a white woman who grew up in the Midwest. I have limited vision when it comes to race, and if I’m honest with myself, I have biases and prejudices that I constantly have to acknowledge and work to undo. My “eyes” need to adjust to the world as it is, not the world as I see it.

I need to see with new eyes. And there’s always something new to see.

Sometimes it shakes what I thought was steady ground. A recent example:

I have not been in favor of a wall between the United States and Mexico primarily because of my volunteer work with refugees and asylum seekers from other countries. I have met people in real life who have fled their home countries, and I have learned facts about the immigration process and statistics. Keeping out people who are in desperate need of help is not in line with my understanding of how I live out my faith. (I know we might disagree on this. I’m saying it anyway.)

I consider myself educated on this topic.

My kids and I have recently enjoyed the show “Nailed It!” on Netflix, and when I saw that there was going to be a season of “Nailed It! Mexico,” I was excited to watch. I wasn’t sure what to expect–if we would have to read subtitles for the entire show (not a problem) or if it would be dubbed over in English (it is). What has surprised me the most is how much the contestants resemble people I might see in my neighborhood.

It is easy for someone who lives more than a thousand miles from the border with Mexico to make assumptions about the people who live in that country. (The same could be said of just about any country I haven’t actually visited, including Canada.) When there is constant talk of keeping “those people” out (who may or may not be from Mexico, I realize) or assumptions that “Mexicans” are all just farm laborers in our country, there’s a narrow perspective of what life is like in that country. What I see on “Nailed It! Mexico” are people with regular jobs and dreams, just like people here. They have families and live in cities and like to travel.

None of this should surprise me.

I’ve also realized that describing people from Mexico as “brown” isn’t accurate as a whole.

I have so much work to do inside of myself.

—

Why am I telling you these things?

I’m not exactly sure. I’m certainly not comfortable confessing my sins of prejudice, bias and ignorance publicly, but I also know the power of saying things out loud and committing to change.

Maybe I just want you to know that it’s okay to not have perfect vision. That it’s okay to need “corrective lenses” when it comes to experiences and circumstances and issues that are affecting other people.

I know I can’t make you go to the eye doctor. I can’t make you put on corrective lenses. Not if you don’t want to.

At the very least, I just want you to consider that the way you see the world is not the same as the person nearest to you. And it definitely isn’t the same as the person furthest from you.

Learning about myself and how I see the world and how that’s different from how other people see the world has been an invaluable practice. It starts with me. The better I know myself, the more I can become a healthy person. That benefits everyone I come into contact with. And the more I’m willing to listen and understand others’ perspectives, the better, as well.

That’s the good news.

If there’s any bad news, it’s that it takes work and the best results occur with other people involved. Especially those with more experience or professional training.

That can be the hardest part. At least, it is for me. Exposing weaknesses, or what I see as weaknesses, to someone else is uncomfortable until I remember that we all have them in different ways. Maybe you aren’t on the verge of needing bifocals because your eyes are so terrible. Maybe you don’t have a need to be appreciated (that one was kind of ouchy for me). But you have something else about you that makes you who you are. 

And none of it is bad or wrong. 

It’s just you.

Maybe that’s actually the hardest part. Accepting who you are when you feel like who you are is somehow wrong or ugly or broken. 

That’s not the point of any exam. Well, maybe a medical exam because something isn’t working the way it should be. But that’s the spirit behind the kinds of exams that explore your inner life, as well. It can be painful, at first, to “diagnose” yourself but if the goal is to function more fully and wholly, then the work is worth it.

Trust me, I know. And I’m still learning.