Highs and lows

I’ve been watching the temperatures this week. We hit 90 on Wednesday, the second day of October, which just made me cranky. A day later, the high was projected to be 25 degrees lower than that and by the end of the week, there was a projected low in the 40s. 

Fall, finally. I fully acknowledge that some of us love summer and hate to see it end, but I’m the kind of girl who longs for the relief of fall, when you can open the windows and leave them open and wear layers of clothes without sweating through them. I know fall means winter is coming and the cold with it, but even that is not something I dread. I need the variety of seasons in my weather and in my life.

Besides the temperatures, there were some other highs and lows I noticed this week. Each one is significant in its own way, a signaling of a season change or a subtle shift.

Let’s start with a high.

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300.

Last week, on a whim, I decided to ask people for likes on my Facebook page. It’s not something I do all the time, but I wanted to see if I could get to 300. I was surprised when it actually happened because Facebook is such a finicky place to be.

It’s not that 300 is any kind of magic number or that I’m desperately seeking attention. It’s just that Facebook page likes are a necessary part of what I want to do with my writing, and since I don’t always talk about that, I thought I’d try to explain.

I’ve pretty much always been a writer.  I was filling notebooks full of stories as far back as elementary school, shoving them into the hands of unsuspecting guests at our house. When you’re a child writing stories, there’s not a lot of risk involved in showing someone what you’ve written. Few people will squash a child’s creativity, at least that’s my experience. But when you grow up, it’s different. I’ve had dreams of writing books and having them published. This dream may not go back as far as my early writings but it’s been with me long enough that I can’t ignore it. And I’m learning that it’s a lot of hard work, no matter the path you take. Dreams don’t usually land in our laps or get handed to us like gifts. They take work.

So, three years ago, I created a Facebook page as a way to establish myself as a “serious” writer. (Note to all writers reading this: you are a serious writer, even if you don’t have a Facebook page.) I had been to a writing conference and met with a couple of agents, one of whom asked me how I was reaching my readers. And I was all like, “What readers?” (Just kidding!) But her question had me thinking that I could do more, so I created the page and tried not to send an invite to everyone on my friends list. As much as I’d love for everyone I know to read my writing, the truth is not every person I know or have ever met is going to be a reader of my writing.

Still, finding readers is hard when you don’t have a lot for them to find. The world is saturated with words, so finding MY readers sometimes feels like whispering into a noisy crowd. I sent some invites and had my blog posts sent to the page, but I didn’t do a whole lot more to “grow” my readership or engagements.

Last year, when I turned 40, I made an after-40 list. I’ve talked about this more than once here, how it’s not a bucket list because I’m not interested in a literal deadline for the things I want to do. Some of the goals I put on that list are writing goals, things I don’t want to say I’ll do “someday.” And then this year on my birthday, a writer I respect, who changed the way I think about a lot of things, died at the age of 37. And I realized even more that I want to chase my dreams in every way I can.

So, asking people to like my Facebook page is one component of that dream chase because the writing I’m doing is not just these sometimes blog posts or the occasional Chicken Soup article. I’m writing novels, and some of you don’t know that because it’s hard for me to talk about something that I hold so close to my heart. I have three novels in various states of progress, and I’m actively working on one to finish it. 

I tell you this, hoping you’ll stick around for more than just blog posts.

300 is just a number. But it’s also more than that.

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4.

I’ve told you about my recent anxiety struggles and how I’ve been given medication to take to help with it. It’s an as-needed kind of medicine, and I’m using it sparingly, often as a last resort. (Please don’t take that to mean that’s my belief about medication for you or anyone else. Take your meds, if you’ve got them. Do whatever it takes to be the best version of you.)

As I’ve been able to manage the anxiety with medication, I’ve also been able to take action on some of the stressors in my life. I haven’t removed them completely, of course, because that’s mostly impossible. But taking these small steps has lessened my anxiety about all the things I think I’m supposed to be handling right now.

So, “four” is the number of days I recently went without taking any anxiety meds. I had been taking a small dose most days to get through, and after those four days passed, I was back on the meds for a couple of days. 

I’m not going to lie, those four days felt really good. Like I had accomplished something big, and I could “handle” this on my own. But I’m also trying not to frame my days as good or bad based on whether I take meds or not. A day with meds or a day without, they’re just days. They’re different but one is not better than the other.

I’m still working on that perspective.

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108/74.

A month ago, my blood pressure was so high that the doctor who is going to perform my surgery made a funny-not-funny joke about having a stroke. After being on blood pressure medication for years and then making some positive health changes and being taken off the medication, this was a difficult time for me. So, I went back on a lower dose of my previous medication and gradually, my blood pressure returned to the normal range.

When I went to the doctor this week for another check, my BP registered at 108/74. That’s about as low as it was earlier in the summer when we decided to take me off the medication. For now, I’m staying on it, and I’m so relieved by this number because that should mean that surgery will go ahead at the end of the month, and that I’m finding my “normal” again.

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6.

Almost a week ago, I decided to swap out my regular coffee habit for decaf to see if it would help with the anxiety. The four-days-without-meds coincided with this decision, and since I haven’t really noticed a negative effect of switching to decaf, I’m sticking with it for now. The only drawback is I’m tired by about 9 o’clock, but maybe that would happen anyway.

Have no fear, coffee lovers, I’m still choosing to drink high-quality decaf coffee. I’m planning to pick up some premium local decaf this weekend, no matter the cost because if I’m going to choose to drink decaf, then I’m going to make it count.

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Ups and downs. Highs and lows. Ebb and flow. Life, I’m continuing to learn, is not about either-or. It’s both-and. Even when those things feel like opposites.