Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

family

What we’re missing

I was 20 the first time I missed Thanksgiving with my family. I was nearing the end of a semester of study abroad in England during my junior year of college. I waited my turn to call home from the phone box at the school. (This was the late 1990s, no cell phones widely available.) I cried hearing the voices of my family all gathered for a meal and board games. I could envision every little thing I was missing by being across the ocean from them.

I told them of the meal the British kitchen staff had prepared for us, complete with pumpkin pie made from canned pumpkin purchased in London at an astronomical price. Pumpkin pie, it turns out, is not a British food. Our host families had joined us and bravely tried the pumpkin pie we were all so fond of.  I wonder now if it was really the pumpkin pie we were fond of or just the taste of home. We dined in a hall of the 19th Century manor house that was our home and school that semester. Travel in Europe was at our fingertips. Our semester abroad was a dream come true.

And still we missed home.

Those of us who were American students had the advantage of all being together in our homesickness on that holiday. And while I remember the homesickness, I also remember the hospitality. American Thanksgiving is not something widely celebrated in other countries, yet the staff went out of their way to make us all feel like we weren’t missing out.

That is something I’ll never forget.

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

The next time Thanksgiving was missing something, my fiancé was in Iraq. He missed a lot of things during the year of his deployment but the holidays were the hardest. In our case, he missed them at the beginning of his deployment. I don’t know if that made the separation easier or harder. Either way, it was difficult.

Until these two experiences, I had not ever had to miss a holiday with my family, that I can remember. Sometimes I’d have to go in to work toward the end of Thanksgiving to help put out a newspaper for the next day, but I still got to have a meal with my family. 

After Phil and I were married, missing holidays became a regular part of our holiday tradition. We haven’t been home for Thanksgiving in 12 years. For a few years, Phil had to work on Thanksgiving, sometimes during the day, other times at the end of the day in preparation for Black Friday shoppers. Over the years, we’ve had family come visit us for Thanksgiving. We’ve celebrated with friends who invited us to their house. And we’ve been on our own. One glorious year, we made our own family–a blend of blood relatives and close friends who gathered at our house for the day.

This year, it’s back to the four of us, and while this is not a new situation for us, I understand that it might be new for some of you. Some of you are missing an in-person get-together with family. Some of you are missing travel. Some of you are going ahead with your plans, pandemic be damned.

I know what it feels like to miss your family on holidays. I know what it feels like to be separated from the people you love. I know what it feels like to be lonely when others are gathering with family and friends. One year, we left a Christmas Eve church service depressed and nearly in tears because the pews were filled with families, and we were missing ours. It was a year we weren’t able to go home in time for Christmas but would be traveling the day after. Because we’d always missed this particular service due to travel, most people were surprised to even see us there. Our presence was acknowledged but we left that night feeling lonelier than when we had walked in.

Few people want to miss getting together with family. Few people want to feel lonely on a holiday. Few people want to break from tradition or be told they can’t do what they’ve always done. I get that. I think.

But can I offer you a challenge of sorts?

Lean into those feelings of loss and grief and loneliness. Let them increase your compassion for those who always or often spend the holidays apart from loved ones. For military families stationed overseas. For people imprisoned. For refugees who live in a country not their home. For healthcare workers and first responders who spend time on call during the holidays. For retail store employees who can’t afford to not work a holiday. For those whose loved ones have died and will never rejoin their holiday table. For those who are estranged from their families for whatever reasons.

Let this holiday season be an opportunity to increase your compassion for those whose life situation is not exactly like yours. Let it be a chance to learn what it’s like. Let it make you grateful for what you have, that in all likelihood, next year will be “back to normal.” Let it open your eyes to see what you’ve been missing–empathy, compassion, understanding.

Photo by Josh Calabrese on Unsplash

I don’t believe COVID-19 was sent to us by the universe to teach us lessons, but I do believe we can learn from anything, if we choose to. So, whatever your holidays look like this year, may they give you a new way of seeing the world around you.

The Distancing Diaries: Days 10, 11 and 12

 Day 10: I thought we were going to have a rough day because of the rough start, but here it is 4 p.m. and dinner is in the works, and I’m just now sitting down to chronicle our day. I think that means it was okay.

Phil and I didn’t get out of bed until almost 7:30, a practice I’m going to regret when life gets back to normal. The kids had already had breakfast, and I set out to make mine. By the time I was sitting down to breakfast, our son was bored. It was 8 o’clock. We told him “no” on screens so he spent almost 40 minutes whining about not having anything to do, even though we offered many solutions. After I’d finished breakfast, I got dressed, helped get the garbage out and started on dishes. Meanwhile, our son was beginning to wreak havoc on his sister. He eventually was taken to his room where he curled up in his bed/fort. I could hear the panic in his voice and I knew this was not just about boredom this morning. All of us are showing our emotions in different ways. This was his turn.

I asked permission to enter the bed/fort and curled up next to him. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he couldn’t explain it so we played a little game of 20 questions as I tried to draw it out of him. Eventually, we landed on that he is also missing his friends–understandable–and would like to video call his one best friend. I promised to send a text seeing to that arrangement. He was back to his normal self almost immediately.

Our daughter got dressed for the day and I noticed she was wearing workout style clothes. I asked if she was going to work out with her dad and she said, “maybe” and then she did. They worked out together while our son and I went about our business–Hot Wheels cars and a jigsaw puzzle, respectively. At 10, we video called with my parents for about 40 minutes or so. Then it was time for my husband to get ready for work. There was some discord over the Tiny Desk Concert choice for lunchtime viewing, later resolved by changing the channel to The Price is Right which was not interrupted for a press briefing today.

I started my workout at noon while the kids cleaned out their dresser drawers of clothes that didn’t fit anymore. Their Nana offered to pay them for cleaning their room if I could produce evidence that they’d done it. I have a couple of bags of clothing so far to submit as exhibit A. My workout was so-so. My quad was hurting a little bit. I think I need to stretch it better and rest it more, so I modified my workout just to get through.

The audience for my workout: my son’s “gang” of friends

Then it was time to make a snack and get my daughter set up for a writing class call with a friend who is offering short video sessions  for kids this week on the craft of writing. She loved it. I went out to get the mail and read a letter from one of my best friends who lives in Arizona. I cherish the written word these days. My son and I folded his laundry and then tuned in to our state’s press briefing about the coronavirus latest. We learned that school will be out for two more weeks. Sigh. 

Husband came home from work. Kids watched screens. I took a shower and started dinner. It’s been raining all day and the temperature dropped into the 40s, so we haven’t been outside all day. I think we’ll try to remedy that tomorrow.

Now, they’re practicing band but there’s been a lot of screeching and shouting, so I’m not sure how much practicing is actually happening. We’re putting more Zoom calls on the calendar while also canceling more plans. The doctor’s office called today to cancel an appointment for next week and reschedule it for May. I’m grateful we don’t have to go out.

Dinner was ready early and with my husband’s adjusted schedule, we had time to watch a movie as a family. We picked Night at the Museum, which the kids alternated between loving and hating. But it was a fun distraction, and I made some good progress on my current cross-stitch project. More bathing, then off to bed. I stayed up to watch the latest Outlander episode and do more cross-stitch. (And eat more snacks, let’s be honest.)

It was as good a day as could be expected, I guess.

Day 11: How can it be day 11 already? I’m grateful that I started this practice because the days are both dragging and blurring. Today, we were all up before the sun. I didn’t sleep well again, and I had set my alarm for 6:15 (an ambition to get back into a routine) but I was up before the alarm went off. I listened to Pray As You Go after scrolling social media for just a few minutes. I don’t know why I feel the need to check in on the world before I even get out of bed. Is it not enough to be alive and awake for another day?

I made coffee (always) and started the process for my breakfast, checked in on the kids who soon made their way to the kitchen for breakfast. There was a short argument about screens which was soon resolved. They opted to watch YouTube or play Minecraft with their breakfast. I sat in the kitchen and read a book while I ate. With all this togetherness, I’m re-learning how to use the space in our house. Even though I consider our dwelling small, we don’t all have to be on top of each other all the time.

After breakfast, I tackled the dishes, just to get them done and out of the way. A positive of this confinement is being able to keep up with the dishes daily. I like a clean kitchen. It makes me want to use it more when the counters aren’t covered with dirty dishes or drying dishes. (We do not have a dishwasher. Sigh.) I watched a couple of episodes of Grace and Frankie while washing. The liberal use of crude language on the show is a comfort to me. Weird, I know. Sometimes I want to swear like a drunken sailor but I’m inhibited by so much of my past that I can’t do it without feeling guilty. There’s your honest confession for the day.

The kids transitioned to academics. Our daughter worked on her assignment for writing class, which just makes my heart swell to 10 times its size. Our son got out his math journal which he only remembered he had yesterday. We worked on a couple of fraction problems that a) made me think of all my students at school and how much I miss them and b) stumped my brain a little bit. Our daughter stepped in to help some and together we figured it out.

I printed some materials I need for my nutrition and training program in the coming weeks. Then, I sucked it up and paid bills. I get a weird thrill out of paying bills because I like to check things off lists and knowing I’m up to date on payments pumps my ego in a way. I read a lot of stuff yesterday about asking for deferments on payments and contacting creditors about income changes. We may do some of that because everything is uncertain right now, but the thought of deferring payments feels like digging a bigger hole than we’re already in, even though I know none of this is our fault. Before we make any quick decisions about deferrals, I want to give my husband’s employer time to consider whether they can make up his lost hours. And who knows how long it will be before I hear from the unemployment office. It’s not now that we’re in financial difficulties, anyway. It’ll be mid-April and beyond when my paychecks stop coming. This is what keeps me up at night.

Now the kids are playing outside and I’m going to attempt some writing that isn’t journaling. I’m grateful for this practice. I’ve written for 10 days in a row, which is something I’d gotten out of the habit of. It feels good to flex these muscles again.

I took about an hour to work on a client project. I don’t feel “in the groove” which is hard to explain but at least I was doing something. The kids watched Let’s Make A Deal followed by The Price is Right because it’s a mash-up week. I ate lunch and worked on the puzzle. It’s slowly but surely coming along and is seriously one of the hardest puzzles I’ve ever attempted to complete. Then I got my workout clothes on to complete my daily program. The kids divvied up chores–our son vacuumed the living room; our daughter worked on cleaning out her dresser drawers. Our son ended up there, too, when he was finished vacuuming.

The kids’ teachers had sent a variety of videos, so we watched those. The gym teacher issued a tripod/headstand challenge. The music teacher played a happy song which her baby daughter danced to in the background. It was wholesome and uplifting. Their principal sent a message of encouragement. And their band teacher started a vlog. By the time we finished those, it was time for my daughter’s writing class. My son did some math games on the computer and I wrote a few letters. I’m waiting on an order of stamps to arrive later in the week, but that’s no reason I can’t write the cards ahead of time.

After my daughter’s writing class, my son’s class was getting together via Zoom. They hung out for almost an hour, and it was fun to just see my son’s face light up as his friends joined in and they all updated each other on what they’ve been doing.

The kids lobbied for more screen time after that, and I relented. I worked at the puzzle a little more and started gathering the dinner fixings. I checked my phone and had a missed call from the pharmacy that’s handling my injection medication, so I called back trying to get that sorted out, just in case I can keep my appointment in early April. That was a frustrating process that made me anxious. The pharmacy doesn’t seem to have the same information about copay assistance that I gave them in December, so they asked me to call the drug manufacturer to clear that up. I did that and got transferred twice before the system kicked me back to the main recording. I hung up because I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I’ll try again tomorrow. But this is a heck of a time to need medical assistance for something other than COVID-19.

Phil got home not long after I hung up, and I said I needed to take a walk. We talked through the dinner prep, and after a bit of downloading to each other about our day, the kids and I headed out for a short walk. The sun is shining and temps are in the 50s. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain and be colder, so getting outside felt like the right thing to do. Plus my body needs to move sometimes when it’s anxious.

Our son ran on ahead and then sat down to wait for us.

It was a short walk. We did encounter some people and attempted to put six feet of distance between us and them. Back at home, I got started on dinner, which only involved broiling a filleted turkey breast and assembling a salad. For a while, we were in the habit of having salads on Tuesdays. It’s harder in the winter, but it was such a refreshing meal, even without the freshest ingredients. Salad night is best in the summer and fall. Sometimes we just need a reminder, though, that better days are coming. I hope better days are coming. It’s hard to put too much hope in the future when the numbers climb every day and the restrictions become more strict.

We ate our salads while watching an episode of Mr. Bean, which our son thinks is hilarious. He’s a physical comedy kind of guy. He also like The Three Stooges. Have I mentioned he’s 10? The kids were promised an episode of Supermarket Sweep after they practice band. They both practiced their instrument, then we watched what we promised. We turned the TV off and I offered the kids to help me with the puzzle so we can get our dining table back and have it available to play games. Our son wanted to listen to music but I was in the mood for quiet. So, he put earbuds in but he had to leave the table because he was singing out loud while eating an apple and it was possibly the most annoying thing he could have been doing at the time. I made good progress on the puzzle while my daughter sat nearby looking through her portfolio of school mementos from years gone by. 

Bedtime arrived without much incident. Phil and I watched couple of episodes of The Office. Lighthearted entertainment is the medicine right now.

Day 12: Morning, again. A restless night again. I have moments of deep sleep but they are peppered with wakefulness and anxieties. Today, specifically I worry about the phone calls I need to make about the medication. Phil had brought home some scones from one of his fellow market stands last night, so that was breakfast. I did listen to Pray As You Go before getting out of bed. Because it’s on my phone, I end up checking notifications, too. Prince Charles has COVID-19. Our tax return, which is not a lot but is still something, was deposited in our bank account.

For another day of social distancing, we have a lot planned today. We’ll see how it all turns out.

I went for a run after breakfast, mostly to get it done and over with but partly because it’s supposed to rain later. It was chilly but pleasant running conditions. I did just under 2 miles in 25 minutes. I’m trying to break that 2-mile mark but it’s not easy right now. I felt good when I got home. The kids were playing outside. Phil took the car to get an oil change, and I decided to leverage my endorphins to call about my medication.

The drug manufacturer was not terribly helpful but the woman I spoke with at the pharmacy dug into this like it was a mystery to be solved. After about 30 minutes of investigating, this is what she came up with: Turns out the drug was less expensive last year because I’d had a super expensive surgery that took care of my out-of-pocket expenses. There is not much else I can do. I have another phone number for a patient assistance program but I’m done with phone calls today. I did call my physician’s office to leave a message for the nurses that I can’t afford the medication and may not be able to keep that appointment in April. I mean, this is not a life-saving medication, but WHAT IF IT WAS? What a hellish nightmare to have to go through to get approved medicines. I may give it another go tomorrow, but for now, I’m like, whatever.

I talked briefly to a nurse at my doctor’s office and she was encouraging, so I printed out the application for assistance from the drug company. Then I took a shower while the rest of the family did the Orange Theory at-home workout for the day.

After my shower, I was motivated to keep trying to get this medication thing figured out, so I filled out my part of the application and put a call in to the nurse I talked to earlier. I need to know how best to get the paperwork to them. I’m all set with my part of the application and feeling a bit more hopeful than I was just an hour or so ago.

The fam is still working out. I did some laundry. It’s going to be lunch soon. One of our daughter’s former teachers is doing a live baking demo on YouTube. He’s making macrons today, but I don’t think we’re going to make the live demo. She’ll watch it later and make the tasty treats.

Played phone tag with the nurse but the application is in process. I’m hoping to have it finished and in the mail by the end of the week at the latest. During lunch, we watched a Tiny Desk concert from Jimmy Eat World, who sing my all-time favorite song “The Middle.” They performed it on the Tiny Desk concert, and I’m wondering if I should add that to my social distancing challenge: try to play it on the guitar. The fam watched another Tiny Desk concert from a guy called Dan Tepfer who was like part artist part mathematician. He wrote a computer program to accompany his music–that’s about the best I can describe it.

My daughter and I worked through her Girls on the Run at-home lesson while the boys started a FIFA tournament on the Wii. Then our daughter had her writing class, and I worked on washing dishes while starting the Office Ladies podcast, which recaps episodes of The Office with two of the actors from the show.

Phil is working on dinner and the kids are watching screens. I listened to more of the podcast and worked on the puzzle. I’d hoped to finish it today but the last part is the hardest.

Our son was supposed to have a haircut at the barbershop today, but that’s obviously cancelled, so our kitchen became a barbershop as my husband buzzed our son’s hair down to a 1. (Before and after.)

At the same time, our daughter decided it was time to do the baking. She’s been working on macrons for about 40 minutes now, and I think there’s quite a bit more to do, but what else are we doing?

Dinner is in process. We’re all choosing something different to occupy our time right now.

We ate pork and sauerkraut for dinner with mashed potatoes and peas. Comfort food. The macrons did not go as well as we had hoped. I got frustrated and put myself in a time out to read and calm down. When everyone had finished dinner and while the macrons were drying before baking, we chose a game to play together as a family. The kids opted for a game rather than a movie, which I find interesting considering how much they love their screens. But when faced with the same choices daily, some variety is good.

The kids chose Scrabble, independent of me.

Our board started out a little dark, if you ask me.

Our son wanted to be on my team, so we played together versus my husband and daughter, who each played for themselves. I did have to help our daughter some and she ended up winning by one point. My son was a little upset, but overall we had fun.

The finished board

It was 8:30 by the time the kids went to bed. We watched one episode of The Office before I had to give up and go to bed. Another day down.