Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

gardening

April showered us with a busy schedule … here’s what filled our month

I thought April would fly by because the first months of this year seemed to drag. But these last 30 days were looooong. Maybe they all will be from now until summer? I don’t know. Anyway, April is over, which means I’ve got another monthly round-up for you. Here’s a summary of What We Did, What We Ate, What We Watched, and What We Read.

What We Did

Welcomed family for a visit. My parents made the trip out here for Easter, and it was so lovely to be together for the first time in seven months.

Why is taking group pictures so hard???

Because they were in town, we celebrated our daughter’s birthday (again). We had a small cake after dinner one night, and she opened presents from her visiting grandparents.

Which meant that the next day, we shopped because the girl had birthday money to spend. I remember when I started to want gift cards for my birthday and Christmas so I could pick out my own stuff, and that is the phase of life we are in now. (Side note: This was my first time out on a true shopping excursion since the pandemic. I didn’t love this kind of thing pre-pandemic and I don’t love it now. I have been training my whole life for avoiding people in public, but some people do not seem to understand the rules of avoidance. We all got through the shopping trip, though. May it not need to happen again soon.)

On Easter morning, we hiked at Shenk’s Ferry Wildflower Preserve. If you’ve been following this space for a long time, you might remember the time we drove our van to this preserve and got stuck on the way out because we took a road we shouldn’t have with the kind of vehicle we had. I was nervous to go back, but my parents were in town and they have an SUV. In preparation for the trip, we learned that the Lancaster Conservancy has since closed that questionable road and made a different parking area. It was a thoroughly enjoyable day and we were just on the cusp of peak wildflower blooming. A redeeming experience for Easter morning, as it should be. 🙂

We had to look closely to find the wildflowers but once we saw them, we couldn’t un-see them.

Speaking of flowers, Phil bought some for our flowerbeds, so one afternoon my parents helped me planted flowers around the house. (We also reclaimed a spare tire as a planter.)

If I can offer the world a tiny bit of beauty, I will do it.

Track meets and lacrosse matches have taken over our lives. We went from a full schedule of practices in March to an even fuller schedule of practices, games and meets in April. It’s a bit of a whirlwind right now but we love watching our kids participate in team sports.

While my parents were here, my mom asked what I wanted for my birthday. I need to update my wardrobe, especially when it comes to work clothes, so she told me about this subscription service she’d heard about. I signed up for Nadine West while they were here, and a few days later, I opened my first envelope from the company. They sent me six items: a dress, a top, a pair of pants and three pieces of jewelry. I kept the top and pants (an outfit) and a necklace. I don’t love shopping, but I sort of love this service so far because (surprise, surprise) I don’t have to leave the house. I don’t have enough experience with it yet to know if I can recommend it to friends, but my next envelope should be arriving soon.

This is the outfit I kept.

Our virtual adventures this month took us to Albania and Miami. (Read more about those in the What We Ate and What We Watched sections.)

Taxes. We put it off this year. It didn’t take that long, but we still didn’t want to make it a priority. Still, they’re done.

Quarantine. Again! Womp-womp. This time our daughter had to stay home and do school from home. She took it like a champ, and we’re glad it’s over. For now.

One Sunday afternoon, I walked with some coworkers from my book club. After reading All the Bright Places, we decided to do something to raise awareness about mental health issues. We organized a week-long event at our school and have been raising money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention for a couple of months so we participated in the virtual walk by getting together at a local park and walking for an hour. It was a beautiful day with fun company.

The shortest, oldest person in the group (me!) got to take the selfie, so this is as good as it gets!

Summer-like temperatures late in the month had us thinking gardening, so Phil bought some of the plants for the garden and we put them in the ground. This is the earliest we’ve ever planted the garden. Two days later, the temperature dropped and the wind chill neared freezing. We might have made a mistake. I’ve learned that plants are resilient, though, so fingers crossed.

Our baby plants.

What We Ate

Cheese quiche for breakfast Easter morning. I wanted to make something special, and I was pleased with how this turned out.

I love a good breakfast dish I can make the night before.

An Easter feast featuring goat stew, roasted fingerling potatoes, fried cabbage, and kalettes (they’re like a cross between Brussels sprouts and kale) with a cheesecake sampler for dessert. We snacked earlier in the day on cheese and crackers and the like.

Yes, we really had goat on Easter. Africa hasn’t left our hearts or our bellies.

“Forgotten” cookies. I made these meringue cookies because I have a lot of egg whites to use up. I thought it was going to be a disaster, but it actually turned out okay. They were a tasty snack for days.

After all the meringue-ing, these were super simple because you just leave them in a warmed oven.

Potato Musakka for our Albanian virtual adventure. Layers of sliced potato with a beef and onion mixture in between, baked with eggs and milk. Comfort food.

Creamy, eggy potatoes with beef. I would make this again just because.

Angel food cake. Because of the egg white situation. I followed a recipe that was very clear, and I was a little confused about the cooling process, but this cake turned out edible, even if it wasn’t perfect. I will try it again soon.

It wasn’t pretty but it was delicious.

Roburrito’s, a local burrito place, for our April takeout. I had a taco salad in a fried bowl that took me back to my college days when I ordered one of these once a week. Others in the family had nachos and burrito quesadillas.

Arby’s. Because we needed a quick dinner on a lacrosse night. This was my first fast-food drive-through experience of the pandemic, I think. Curly fries=yum.

Carrots. From our garden. That we planted last fall.  They were sweet and tender and got me in the mood for gardening. Phil “discovered” this harvest before he tilled the garden in preparation for our planting. (He knew they were there and took the time to dig them up. I probably would have ignored them or figured they wouldn’t be any good. I’m glad to be wrong!)

They slept all winter and still made a tasty side dish for us.

Mint milkshakes that we made with vanilla ice cream and creme de mint milk from a local dairy.

We aren’t actually sure how to make milkshakes but this turned out okay.

Frita (Cuban hamburger) for our virtual adventure. A mixture of meats for the burgers topped with a spicy ketchup and shoestring fries. Yes, it was tasty.

As good as it looks

Pierogies from a new stand at Central Market where my husband works. These are not your grocery-store frozen pierogies. Plump and delicious. He paired them with a kielbasa skillet for dinner one night.

What We Watched

Nailed It.  This is good for a laugh on a Friday night when the kids and I are winding down from the week. The new season has pairs of bakers–brothers and sister, partners, moms and daughters. It’s double the fun.

So I finished Cheer and I just can’t with the parents of some of these athletes. Cringe-y at best. And I cannot stomach the tosses that end in bone-crushing drops. It’s a compelling series but I didn’t love it like so many people did last year.

We also finished Space Force, which made me laugh SO loud and hard, and Men in Kilts, which made me want to book a flight to Scotland at the first available and safe moment.

Baseball. The Cubs are pretty terrible this year, but that doesn’t stop us from watching a game every now and then.

Call the Midwife. Lifts my spirit every single time. I finished season 7, which was a hard season but good.

Wild Flower, a documentary about a 77-year-old Albanian woman who lived her whole life unmarried so she could help her brother raise sheep and farm. This was part of our virtual adventure to the country. The documentary is subtitled, a new experience for our children as we watched.

Spider-Man: Far From Home. Thank you, Samuel L. Jackson for my new favorite movie line that includes a swear. All around, a fun movie that left me with a lot of question for the future of the Marvel universe. 

Footloose in Oxford and York with the Rixons. If you need a chill and sometimes cheesy travel documentary of interesting places in Europe, check out the Footloose series on Amazon Prime. The Oxford and York one is their newest and it was filmed last summer during the pandemic after some restrictions had lifted.

By far my favorite thing we watched in April was Nate Bargatze: The Tennessee Kid, a comedy special on Netflix. We had a hard week and I requested a show with some good laughs. We all needed the healing power of laughs, and this fit the bill. I laughed so hard I almost choked on my dinner. And I’m still laughing just thinking about his delivery of jokes.

WandaVision. I know. We’re behind. We were catching up on Marvel movies. This Marvel-meets-Bewitched series is oddly compelling. We’ve only seen two episodes so far, but more to come.

Poldark. I still don’t love season five, but it’s only been two episodes. Maybe it will grow on me?

For our virtual adventure to Miami, we watched a couple of travel documentaries about the city. I honestly never thought I’d want to visit Miami in person but now I do.

History of Swear Words, also on Netflix. I needed some “low-brow” comedy one night when my brain couldn’t handle anything else. This delivered. I now know more than I ever wanted to about the f-word and the s-word. I can’t wait to learn more about swears!

What We Read

Truman. Will. I. Ever. Finish. This. Book? (Yes, if I read no other books, but that is not how I operate.) I have a couple hundred pages left, which in McCullough translation is probably closer to 400 regular pages.

A Rule Against Murder by Louise Penny. The Gamaches on vacation? In the woods of Canada? What could go wrong? Thoroughly enjoyable to see some of my favorite Three Pines characters in a different setting.

How Not to Be Afraid by Gareth Higgins. I finished this one in time for its release on April 13, and I so loved its gentle invitation to transform fear through the telling of better (truer) stories. Transforming fear doesn’t ignore that bad things happen but it asks us to look for other things happening in the world, to pause and be grateful, and to face our fears with curiosity, at times.

Breathing Under Water by Richard Rohr. I finally finished it, long after the Lenten season ended. It’s a small book that packs a spiritual punch in all the best ways, and I’m grateful for its lessons.

Freak the Mighty by Rodman Philbrick. One of the classes I help in is listening to this as a read-aloud, mostly for fun. I haven’t ever read it, and I am constantly impressed with middle-grade fiction’s ability to keep readers interested and turning the pages. I’m hooked and eager to find out what happens.

Evicted by Matthew Desmond. This is our next book club pick. A second time reading for me. Still as moving and shocking as the first time.

Sidney Chambers and the Perils of the Night by James Runcie. Short stories about the vicar-who-solves-crimes. Enjoyable.

The Unwanteds by Lisa McMann. It’s described as Harry Potter meets The Hunger Games, and it is another YA book that hooked me. There are more in this series that I want to check out. Maybe this summer.

To Sir Phillip, With Love by Julia Quinn. Bridgerton series number five, and they just keep getting better. If you’re sad that Regé-Jean Page won’t be returning to the Netflix series, please let me assure you that there is plenty of good Bridgerton material left for the showrunners to work with.

The Brutal Telling by Louise Penny. I started it just as the month was ending. Back to Three Pines for me. I can never get enough Inspector Gamache.

Our son read Slacker by Gordon Korman and is working his way through more Theodore Boone books as well as Stick Dog Takes Out Sushi.

Our daughter is on a Percy Jackson kick along with the Warriors series by Erin Hunter.

Husband started Wild Seed by Octavia Butler but had to return it to the library when it was due.

I’m sure May will be another full month for us. Check back here in June for a full round-up of our activities. In the meantime, you can see some of what we’re up to and what I’m reading on my Instagram feed.

 

A garden, untended

I stayed home from work today, and I was thinking about you and how I would come back to this space and attempt to tell you what’s been going on and why it’s been so quiet. I won’t pretend you’ve noticed my absence or thought about what’s been lacking from this space. I show up here mostly for me, because I can’t stay away from writing for too long. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish. If you haven’t missed me, well that’s okay, because I’ve missed you.

Summer was full of summer-y things some of them fun like vacation and day-trips and some of them necessary like medical appointments. With work and school schedules being what they are, summer is often the most convenient time for dental visits and doctor check-ups. Maybe you can relate.

In our house, summer revolves around family time because we are together so much–me and the kids, me and Phil, both of us and the kids–and by the end of summer, I am spent. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. I know there are people who thrive in summer. I am not one of them. I said more than once out loud to another person, “I am not my best self in summer.”

It was kind of a joke. But I didn’t know how true it was until this week.

—

I don’t really know where this story begins. Maybe it’s at the beginning of summer when I was feeling good about life but decided it was time to schedule a physical. Maybe it was January when I started to notice something different about my period. (If you need to leave now because you can sense where this is going, I take no offense. You can skip all the way to the end to get the bare bones version.) I’ll spare you some of the details.

I’d lost weight since my last physical and my blood pressure was reading a bit low, so after years of taking medication to lower my blood pressure, I was given the go-ahead to stop. I was feeling good about my health and the positive steps I’d taken to get there. Because of the other issue, my provider ordered an ultrasound, which I took care of ASAP. When the results came back, I wasn’t prepared. I had a large cyst on my left ovary.

It was months before I could see a specialist to find out more about what this meant, and when I finally did, she ordered another ultrasound to see if the cyst had changed in any way. It hadn’t, and it was three more weeks before I could follow up with her. During that time, summer ended, and I went back to work. The start of school is a stressful time of transition as we as a family re-adjust to a daily schedule and new routines, not to mention the stress of learning new students names and needs.

While I was waiting to see the specialist, I had blood drawn to check my cancer antigen levels, and I knew that surgery was part of the next step, but I didn’t know anything else. The cyst. The surgery. The uncertainty. It all loomed in the background but I tried not to let myself think of any of it too often.

I love the challenge of a new school year, and if it was only this and a health issue, then maybe I could have handled it. But money is always tight in the summer because I’m not working, and current and future medical bills did not ease my worries. Added to those stressors are others I’m not willing to talk about here yet.

So many things have been going well and right for our family in recent years and months. I thought these were small bumps and they would pass.

On Wednesday I walked into the specialist’s office to talk about surgery and my blood pressure was off the charts high. I mean, when the doctor walks in and says, “I’m having a stroke over your blood pressure” while you sit there sobbing into a wad of tissues, you know it’s not good. No amount of talking about my blood pressure was going to make it better.

I listened through tears as she talked me through all the possible scenarios about surgery, some of which calmed my fears, others that did not. We talked about how when you have an emergency C-section (the only surgery I’ve had in a hospital) you don’t have any time to think about it or worry and you get to meet your baby at the end. Not so when you’ve got an ovarian cyst that doesn’t appear to be cancerous. No one’s in a hurry to take it out, which is good in a way, but for my chronically overthinking brain, bad.

So, she sent me back to my primary doctor to get the blood pressure under control. It was still high later that same afternoon, but it had come down some. We agreed to put me back on the blood pressure medication and she gave me a prescription for an as-needed anxiety medication.

Photo by pina messina on Unsplash

I am an anxious person. I have known this about myself for a long time. I have never thought my anxiety was that bad. However, I couldn’t describe to you what “that bad” means. Thankfully, my doctor didn’t ask about the prescription. She told me, saying, “I’m giving this to you. Don’t use it every day. But let’s see if we can get you through this.”

—

I’m almost in tears as I write this a day later because part of the reason I’m where I’m at now is thinking I needed to “get through this” on my own. 

I have to keep the cogs of our family turning. 

I have to keep the peace between my kids. 

I have to solve the problems and manage the money. 

I. I. I.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Please don’t read this and think that my husband does not share any of this responsibility. He does. He is the person I would choose again and again to partner with in this life, and I do not want anyone else by my side in his place. He and I are a team, and we play different roles as needed. This is not about him or the kids not pulling their weight. It’s about me.

My doctor said “we,” and that is the thing that is undoing me. I’ve been flying solo for so long and now that my body is maxed out, I see the error of my ways.

“We” is such a beautiful word.

—

I have texted 16 people in the last 24 hours, and some of those involved multiple texts in a conversation, and I’ve talked to three people on the phone (four if you count the call I made to schedule one of my pre-op conversations). If that doesn’t sound revolutionary, then you don’t know me very well.

I should have been doing this all along. I know I can’t change the past, but I’m wishing I had done things differently. My husband said to me today that he’s jealous of my support system, and I think that’s part of why I’m crying so much. I have so many strong and deep relationships from various stages of my life. The texts have hit every time zone in the continental U.S., which humbles me further. I know that I am rich in friendships, including family, and I do not express my gratitude to them enough. Or ask others to share my burdens enough.

I don’t know why it takes suffering and crisis and tragedy for me to ask for help or to tell people how much I love and appreciate them.

—

We had four days off from school and work last weekend, and one of those days, I went out to the garden. Calling what’s left of our vegetable plot a “garden” is generous. There are more weeds than plants, and it is like walking through a jungle. I have to wear long pants and take big steps, kicking down the weeds as I walk to make a path to the tomatoes.

Earlier in the summer, when I was feeling good about life, I worried about leaving the garden untended when we left for vacation. What would it look like when we returned?

It was not the mess I thought it would be. We had taken care beforehand to pull weeds and water and the weather did its part.

In the last month, the weather has been hot and sticky, sometimes fickle, and once school started again, I had less time for the garden. I often tell people I can take care of only a few things at a time: my kids, the garden/houseplants, my students. What I see is that I left myself out of this equation.

The garden has suffered from inattention and so have I.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Even before the blood pressure cuff revealed the truth, I knew I was not taking good care of myself. The most obvious sign of this to me is that I am not running regularly. Running might sound like work, but to me it is a release of all the energy and emotions I absorb from other people. This is part of who I am, and if I cannot release these feelings and emotions, then they fill me to the breaking point.

That is where I’m at now. I am not carving out time for myself and doing the things that give me life. I haven’t sat on my porch in weeks. I wake up thinking of all the things I have to do and then I get the kids to school and myself ready for work and sprint through a school day only to come home and get dinner started before the kids come home and it’s time for bed. Sometimes I crash on the couch and lose myself in a Netflix binge, but at best, that is only a numbing distraction. It is not giving me life.

And I’m not asking for help or telling people what I need. I have two specific ways to change this, and I will not let another day pass without giving voice to my needs. I learned this from years of therapy.

I need to re-learn it now.

—

Back when the garden was thriving, I realized that the word “tend” is part of “intention.” Intention is what I’ve been seeking this year and when I’m choosing with intention, I am tending.

I am taking care of me.

—

If you’re a “just the facts ma’am” kind of person, here they are: I have surgery scheduled for October 30 to remove my left ovary along with the cyst. In the meantime, my job is to lower my blood pressure. And not freak out about surgery. Any and all prayers and positive thoughts appreciated.