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Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

Marriage

Five reasons my life will never resemble a romantic comedy

November 17, 2011

I enjoy a good rom-com every now and then. Sometimes, you get something totally off the wall, though. Like recently we watched “Gnomeo & Juliet.” On purpose. Without our kids. Slightly ridiculous. I’m not sure Shakespeare would approve. But he’s dead, so who cares?

And “Date Night.” That’s old news, I know, but from the first time I saw the preview, I HAD to see the movie. I was left feeling “eh.”

I’m no Tina Fey and my husband’s no Steve Carell, but here’s our version of Date Night and a few reasons Hollywood’s never going to make a movie that truly represents date night reality.

1. My pre-date preparation included a diaper change and not one, but two children asking to wear makeup. The boy got an adamant but polite “no.” Daddy let him wear a dab of cologne instead.

2. My favorite outfits only fit perfectly in my dreams. Jeans fit a little too tight. (Note to self: get back to the gym.) I think I pick the same shirt for every date. (We’re not regular about our dates, so it could be months between outings. Who remembers what they wore two months ago?) I’m not gonna turn heads, and I’m okay with that. Although when I walked through the bar from the bathroom, I’m sure I heard someone say, “she’s hot.” I’m sure they were talking to the television. I would have been embarrassed if they weren’t.

3. My husband out-of-the-blue complimented me. That sounds bad. Like he doesn’t do that. But sometimes when he does it, I’m expecting it. This time, I wasn’t. Unscripted. I was talking about Bible study at the time. (The reason this scene of our lives would never make it in a movie.) I wasn’t saying anything clever or witty. We were talking about a passion I had. Apparently, that made me beautiful to my husband. His words stopped mine. And I almost cried. I’ll be replaying those words in my head for days.

4. The atmosphere was perfect: dim lighting, high-backed booths, white tablecloth, practically empty dining room. (These pictures tell a better story.) A Food Network-worthy menu. We ate goat cheese pizza for starters. I had local trout with broccoli rabe and roasted potatoes. My husband had short ribs with mushrooms over pasta. My food was perfect. My husband was a little disappointed. In a movie, the food would be the best we’d ever eaten. And our bill would have been expensive. (Post-Groupon, we paid $5, not including tip.) We like to think we’re thrifty at times. Thrifty and romance don’t often mesh. We’re always on the lookout for cheap, I mean, frugal dates. (Look out Salamandra’s, we’re coming your way in December, thanks to a deal on www.saukvalley.com.)

5. That whole ride-off-into-the-sunset, happily-ever-after stuff … I don’t buy it. Our dreamy date ended with our 2-year-old taking a fall down a couple of slick steps outside our friends’ house. He had a knot on his head and a scraped up face. Our daughter, meanwhile, at the same moment, had freaked out about a large worm she almost stepped on and walked right out of one of her shoes. Did I mention it was raining? After we headed back into our friends’ house to clean up our son a little and calm him down, we headed home where we fought the 3-year-old for bed time, doctored the 2-year-old’s head, and read a parenting article about head injuries to make sure we shouldn’t be at the hospital or on the phone with the doctor instead. Once the kids were settled for the night, my husband and I decompressed in front of the computer, watching the latest episode of “Next Iron Chef.” Then, I turned in for the night while my husband stayed up to watch something else.

A totally romantic ending? Maybe not. But it’s reality ever after. I’m learning I can handle reality better if I recognize that my dreams and expectations will rarely measure up to reality.

This band says better what I’m trying to say, I think.

We had escaped our world for a moment and despite the missing ingredients to a successful romantic comedy, we had a wonderful time.

It’s amazing what a couple of childless hours can do for a marriage. Refresh. Renew. Shift the focus off the kids onto the marriage.

Why don’t we do this more often, again?

Filed Under: Children & motherhood, food, Marriage Tagged With: date night disasters, date night ideas, how date night helps a marriage, living the dream, reality, romantic comedies

Nobody’s fine

September 4, 2011

I’m so tired of being “fine.”

You know how it goes:

Some other person: “Hi. How are you?”

Me: “Fine.”

Or sometimes I upgrade “fine” to “good.” Rarely do I think about my answer. It’s automatic.  Spit out an answer. Don’t take too long. Nobody’s interested in how you really feel.

Most of the time, I’m not even sure how I do feel. Maybe at that exact moment, standing in line at the grocery store without kids and everything checked off my list, I am fine. My overall state of well-being, though? Probably somewhere less than fine.

I’m obsessed with “fine.” And “OK.”

“Are you OK?” — I’ve noticed I ask my husband this question a lot. I want the answer to be “yeah, I’m fine,” but lately it hasn’t been. We’re working on some things to help us be more honest about how we’re feeling and our states of mind. He surprised me one day when he answered that question, “No. And that’s OK.”

Last week, the kids and I all caught some kind of stomach bug which one day resulted in our 20-month-old puking in the grocery store. If you’ve never cleaned up puke in a grocery store with people maneuvering around you to check out the produce offerings, let me tell ya, it’s a thrill. I think I used an entire roll of paper towels.

Because the illness had cycled through both kids and me, I thought we were done with it. The in-store puking caught me off guard.

The next day, I took the kids to the park for some morning fun and a picnic lunch. We had a great time, which I sort of didn’t expect. I’m learning that I associate leaving the house with things going wrong so having a great time at the park with my kids by myself was a pleasant surprise.

We had walked to the park, and on the way home, Corban started making some weird mouth expressions and my first thought was, “Oh, no. He’s going to puke again.”

So I made a beeline for home. Get home, get home, get home, was all I could think. I almost started to panic at the thought that he might puke in the wagon on our walk home. I kept turning around asking him, “Are you OK?” This must be part of my mantra for life. I’m noticing it more and more.

We arrived home safely, without incident, and Corban perked up like nothing was wrong.

I felt silly for worrying that something might go wrong. In all reality, something is always going to go wrong. I should be more surprised when things go right.

I hope that doesn’t sound cynical. I’m just re-learning that the world in which we live is wrong. It has been since Eve ate the fruit and gave some to Adam. It’s not a perfect world. Sometimes it’s not even a good world.

Bad things happen. Bad days happen. Sometimes I’m going to feel “fine” and sometimes I’m not.

And that’s OK.

Most people aren’t “fine.” And that’s OK, too.

So, how are you today?

Filed Under: faith & spirituality, Marriage Tagged With: honest feelings, how are you, I'm fine, it's ok not to be fine

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