Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

Marriage

When love shows up and won’t let go

“What’s your address? Don’t ask any questions! I’m working on something.”

A few days into my forced bedrest because of muscle spasms in my back, a friend sent me this message on Facebook. Little did I know at the time that the “something” she was working on was meals for my family while I’m incapacitated as well as arranging for someone to do our laundry. (I declined the latter. Judge me, if you will, but I’m particular about who sees and touches my dirty clothes.)

Two of the meals (and to clarify, one of the “meals” was three meals!) were made and delivered by people I’ve never met, and the friend who arranged this act of love drove herself almost an hour from her house to mine. (I should also mention that this friend and I have only seen each other in person one time before this, at a weekend retreat years ago. But we’re all over the Facebook universe.)

Who does that?

I asked my husband this more than once.

This was not the only way we were loved that week.

Who goes out, on purpose, on the coldest day of winter to bring food to a family?

Who spends their day off making a meal for others?

Who offers to bring soup when they’ve got a houseful of kids to care for, too?

Who shows up on less than an hour’s notice to care for two rowdy kids and help an overwhelmed husband walk his wife to the car while she cries out in agony on the way to the chiropractor?

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“Do you have difficulty receiving good things?”

This question from my therapist haunts me. It’s been months since she asked it, and I’m still mulling the answer.

It’s complicated.

I’ve long believed I only deserve something if I’ve earned it, and I’ve forever rationalized my family’s love with, “Well, they’re just doing that because they have to.”

Can you imagine living like this? Never believing anyone could love you whether you did anything or not?

I can’t identify the source of this erroneous thinking. All I know is I’ve been feeling this way about God, too. Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing He is good and that He loves me.

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And then, when I was utterly helpless, love showed up.

When my therapist walked me to my car because I could hardly stand without pain.

When my husband left work early two days in a row to help me.

When my kids spent their four-day weekend cooped up in the house with me, bringing me food and learning to do laundry.

When my husband would come home from work, exhausted, and turn up the tunes to wash dishes with the kids.

When the snow fell for 24 hours straight and he shoveled the driveway and took the kids out to build a fort.

When the meals poured in from unexpected sources.

All of these actions screamed a message I couldn’t ignore:

You are loved.

You are loved.

You are loved.

I don’t have to earn it. The best kind of love isn’t earned. It is given over and over again.

I am loved. Even when I am stuck in bed and my house is a mess and I’ve binge-watched Gilmore Girls for weeks.

I am loved. Period. End of story.

And so are you.

What keeps you from believing it?

The one thing my kids really want

Maybe your kids aren’t like this, but mine seem to always want something.

It’s Book Fair week at the school, so every day, we’ve had a request for books. I am not opposed to buying books (obviously; you should see our overstuffed shelves) but I’d like to be there to see what they pick out. Phil and I will take a spin through the book fair on parents’ night to find them something they want because I’m not a monster and books are my weakness.

Also, they always want food! I mean it’s not enough that I provide three meals a day, but the snacking is a major deal. Especially now that they’re both in school all day. I knew on the first day of school that they would be hungry when they got home, so I let them pick out a special snack from a couple of cookbooks and we bought what we needed and I made them their special snack.

It was a hit! And then they wanted a special snack the next day! And I knew there was no way I could keep up this streak for 180 days, so I had to come up with a plan. Could I give them a snack every day and make it special without busting our grocery budget or spending a ton of time on it?

The entire first week, one of their first questions off the bus was, “Did you make us a snack?”

There was such hope in the question that I couldn’t say “no” and disappoint them.

Could you tell them "no"? I didn't think so.

Could you tell them “no”? I didn’t think so.

But then came a week where we had a bunch of responsibilities and planning a snack, in addition to planning food for church events, and food for our own meals, was too much. So, I tried an experiment. I made a “special” snack from stuff we had in the house that wasn’t very special at all! (P.S. Do not tell them my secret!)

One day, I slathered some celery sticks with peanut butter and cut up some carrots and put ranch in a bowl. I set them out on plates at the counter, and the kids ate it up! The next day, we were going to have to take a snack with us because we had errands right after school, and the only pre-packaged stuff we buy is for their lunches, so I needed to improvise.

I made a snack mix out of a variety of nuts we had in the pantry. I cut up a fruit twist and a Twizzler and dumped in a bag of cinnamon sugar pretzels. I mixed it all up and gave it some kind of qwirky name and presented it as their special treat for the day. They were skeptical, and some of that stuff they wouldn’t eat on its own, but together, they tried a few bites. They didn’t end up finishing it that day, and that’s how I learned the secret of what my kids really want.

It doesn’t so much matter what I give them for a snack after school. But they want to know that I was thinking of them long enough to make an effort. On the days when I throw out a few options without an apparent plan, there is more grumbling and complaining than when I put something on the counter already prepared. A few days ago our daughter was complaining that she doesn’t like the taste of the baby carrots anymore and doesn’t want them in her lunch. I’m wondering what will happen if I put them out as a snack with a ranch or honey mustard dip. I’ll have to let you know how that goes.

What do my kids really want? I think they want what everyone wants: to be seen and known and heard and loved.

I fail at providing those things all the time, but I see the difference it makes when they know that I was thinking of them.

Maybe that’s all that really matters in any of our relationships: not that we get it right or perfect or that we make it special all the time, but that we make an effort to see and know and hear and love, in all of our imperfect ways.

I’m willing to give it a shot. Are you?