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Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

One Word 365

This year will be different

January 14, 2020

It’s a third of the way through January, and I already feel like I’m doing it wrong. Doing what wrong, I’m not sure. It’s just that I have this sense that I’m somehow squandering the new year. That a new start should feel more productive, more monumental. While I appreciate the opportunity for renewal that comes with the start of a new year, I kind of hate all the pressure that tags along. We’re “supposed to” dream big and plan and set goals, none of which are bad things, but how can any one day of the year hold that much expectation?

Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash

If I’ve learned anything over the years it’s that the planning, the dreaming, the goal-setting is a constant process of re-evaluation. We can make our plans, dream our dreams and set our goals, but life often has other plans for us and if we don’t hold those things loosely, we can easily convince ourselves we’ve failed if we don’t achieve what we set out to do at the beginning of the year.

It’s the bigness of the dreams, goals and plans that bothers me right now. A dream, goal or plan doesn’t have to be big to be good.

—

I spent half of last year dealing with an ovarian cyst. Between the discovery of it, the surgery to remove it and the recovery from surgery, it was five months, not all of it active, but the issue was looming in the background. In the fall, before surgery, my health took a scary turn–high blood pressure and extreme anxiety. I had been taking on too much and not taking care of myself.

Photo by Robert Bye on Unsplash

I was squeezing extra work–writing, reading–into the margins of my day. I felt really productive most days, but all that constant working was taking a toll on my body. The month of recovery after my surgery left me with quite a shock. I couldn’t do all the things I normally could do. I rested. I read. I watched shows and movies.

And I thought about what needed to change for this year. What settled in my soul is a hard statement to put into words.

The truth is: I want to do less this year.

(There. I said it. And I survived. Even now, though, I want to erase it.)

Do less? Who wants to do less? Who makes that their goal?

I am fully aware that we live in a world where more is the word that grabs our attention. Every advertisement convinces us we need more of this or that. More savings. More stuff. More money. More, more, more.

I’ve been wrestling with this plan to do less for months, and I’m still not completely comfortable with it. Will people think I’m lazy if I say I want to scale back and do less? Will I appear apathetic or uncaring when I say “no” to some things?

Honestly, I don’t care what people think about this plan. I have no proof, but I think this elusive quest for more is killing us, and I’m over it.

I didn’t know how much I needed the break from everything until I was on medical leave, and it’s almost embarrassing that it took a medical reason to force my rest. The pace of life slowed way down for me in November, and I tried hard not to let it ramp up again in December. Fortunately for me, my body wouldn’t allow me to jump back in to life as it was before the surgery, so I had to ease into it.

Now it’s January and the pressure to “get back to normal” is creeping back in. But I don’t want to go back to normal. Not the normal that had me sobbing in two doctors’ offices with terrifying blood pressure numbers and prescription anxiety medication in my hands.

Friends, that’s not normal. It can’t be. (Please don’t hear me say that anxiety is not normal or that it’s somehow wrong to take medication. That’s not what I’m saying, not at all.)

As much as I might want to do more, this year, I’m focusing on doing less.

—

You might know that I choose a word every year–something to center my life on for the year, a word that becomes my focus.

Last year’s word was “intention.” It was a good word, a good plan for the year, forcing me to think ahead about some things and not just drift through my life. I didn’t write much specifically about that word, but I do feel like it changed me and helped me grow throughout the year.

For this year, I pondered a couple of words that went along with the theme of less doing, more being, words like rest and return, but the one that keeps speaking to my soul is “abide.”

It’s a bit archaic, the meaning I’m going for. It’s the idea of living or dwelling with. It’s not quite the opposite of intention, although it feels a little like it is. I don’t mean to accept whatever comes my way or tolerate bad behavior or anything like that. I just need to reconnect with this inner sense of being.

Apart from what I do and produce in this life, I want to abide as who I am at my core. And to do that, I have to strip off all the expectations that what I do, what I produce, makes me who I am.

It is no small task.

One way I’ve started implementing the idea of abiding is by letting the morning hours be leisurely. Last year, I was waking up around 5:30 a.m. trying to write or otherwise do creative work for an hour or so before I felt everyone had to start getting ready for work and school. A lot of mornings, I would be frustrated because my kids wake up early, and I wanted to protect that hour. I did get some things done, but I always felt a bit rushed in the morning.

Since my health issues, I reformed the morning hours. I still wake up around 5:30 a.m. but the first little bit is for spiritual practices. I listen to a short prayer program called Pray As You Go, and I read the daily passages offered in the Book of Common Prayer. These are things I had abandoned in favor of productivity last year, and while I don’t hold any expectation for these practices (i.e. if I start my day with prayer and Bible reading, the rest of the day will go well!), they do help me fight the urge to do.

When I finish those two practices, I make coffee and breakfast. I read for leisure. And then I start getting ready for work. It’s a rhythm that’s working for me right now, and I do feel better able to start the day on a more centered note.

—

The temptation, with a word like “abide,” will be to let some things slide. I am letting go of some things this year, but my hope is to create more space for the things I feel are more important. For example, I’m planning to take one afternoon/evening a month to leave work and head to a coffee shop and focus on my writing until I’m ready to come home. I will sacrifice some family time to do this, but if I want to accomplish my writing goals, I have to.

In other ways, I’m starting over. Like with running. I’m back to the plan I used when I first started running, if only to ease my body back into the habit. My muscles remember, though, and as badly as I want to just run and keep running, I’m forcing myself to stick to the running and walking plan for now. Last year, I ran five 5k races which was not something I planned to do. But I consider it a great accomplishment. Last year, I wanted to try a 4-mile race for the first time, but my husband got sick and I couldn’t follow through with that.

This year, I want to run a half-marathon with my husband–13 miles to celebrate 13 years of marriage. This is a goal that terrifies me, especially since I’m practically starting over with running. Maybe that doesn’t sound like it fits with the “do less” plan. It is probably the biggest goal I have this year, and it will take discipline and focus. I will have to do less of other things to stick to my training plan.

—

Forward. Forward. Forward. 

It’s the way we’re always told to be moving. To grow is to advance, and I don’t think it’s always wrong, but I don’t think we give enough credit to the idea of circling back. Of returning. Of starting again. Sometimes we need to return to the places we’ve been, to walk a circle instead of a straight line, to revisit a place, physical or mental or spiritual, that we think we’ve moved on from. And we need to see it as part of the process, instead of as negative progress or regression.

If you find yourself in a place of returning, a place of circling, a place of starting over, please know that you’re not doing it wrong. More isn’t always better. Forward isn’t always the best direction. Growth and change can happen when you’re standing still (just ask the trees). It can happen when the world is cold and dark (just ask the seeds planted in spring).

Whatever you choose to focus on this year, may it bring you joy and peace.

Filed Under: One Word 365 Tagged With: abide, anxiety, january, OneWord 365

A new course for 2019

January 7, 2019

A few weeks ago, I was sure my word for 2019 would be “listen.” But then a friend asked a question directed toward a group of writers about what we wanted for our writing in the new year, and instead of an instant reply, I took some time to think about it.

A word settled in.

Intention.

I want my writing to be less haphazard, more purposeful in the coming year. I want to write what I want to write and be more consistent about writing. I want to finish the projects I start. I want to keep making time for my writing, and I want to be less afraid to keep it to myself. (Especially the fiction.) If I want to achieve certain goals with my writing, I have to make an effort toward those goals. No one is going to hand me my dreams on a silver platter and beg me to take them. I will have to do some work.

The more I thought about this word–intention/intentional–the more it made sense for my year as a whole. With the year that just passed being one where I took more control and made better choices for health and wellness, where I didn’t for the first time feel carried along by whatever current we found ourselves in, looking ahead to 2019 makes me want to keep making conscious choices about our life. 

I want my life to be about the things I want it to be about. I want to remember the power of saying no to things that don’t fit with my goals. And I don’t want to say yes to something just because it seems like a good thing to do.

This word has already been active, before the year even started.

While we were home for Christmas, I was offered (and accepted) the role of chief Christmas cookie baker for our family. For as long as I can remember, my grandmother has been making large batches of cut-out sugar cookies for Christmas and other holidays. These are generally the only sugar cookies I will eat, and most everyone in the family looks forward to them each year. My cousin even gets a batch shaped like Pac-Man for his birthday. (Round cookie with a small triangle cut out and a chocolate chip for the eye. A huge hit with most of us who experienced the 1980s.)

This year, Grandma decided she’s done making the cookies. It is a rigorous process and what used to be a family effort isn’t anymore. I blame myself not living in the same state as my grandmother. Others in the family have tried to make these cookies and they don’t always turn out right. I once said that I would take the reins when it was time because I have had some success with the cookie recipe. My daughter is also on board. Apparently, we have what it takes to take this on. We’ll see.

Valentine’s cookies from several years ago

It’s been a little while since I’ve made these cookies. I have all year to practice. If you live nearby, you might find yourself gifted with practice sugar cookies. You can thank me later.

Christmas cookies for the family is not something I can do on a whim or without preparation or at the last minute. It will require intention–which to me means setting aside time to bake and figuring out how to send dozens of cookies cross country during the holidays. (And do I decorate them before or after I mail them? Hmm…)

I can’t adopt this put-it-off-till-the-last-minute or “I’ll do it someday” attitude with other parts of my life, either. I have to make sure that my intentions don’t just stay as “happy thoughts.” Intention is a word that gets thrown around a lot and doesn’t always have substance behind it, and I don’t want to be just another person with intention and no action. This is not about a buzzword or fad. 

My intentions must be followed by actions. And while my OneWord always surprises me, in this case, I think it would be good to have at least an outline of a plan.

Photo by Felipe Furtado on Unsplash

So, here are some of my “intentional” resolutions, if you will:

  1. Better and more frequent communication with family and friends. I rely on Facebook too much for disseminating the details of my life. The thing is, lots of people don’t see Facebook posts or even use it that much anymore. (According to my students, Facebook is for old people, so now you know.) And I’m desperate for depth when it comes to catching up with the important people in my life. Already, I’ve had a video phone call with my oldest friend that was so life-giving and much too short that we’ve made plans to talk again next month. She and I did not talk via the phone at all last year, and when her Christmas letter came, I realized how much I missed her. Living 800 miles from family makes keeping in touch a challenge, especially with school/work/sleep schedules, but technology makes keeping in touch not impossible.
  2. Immediate action. Related to the previous goal, I don’t want my intentions to be just intentions. Too often I have good intentions that never translate into action because I put off whatever it is I think is a good idea. Sometimes, it’s good to take immediate action when I think of someone I want to talk to or something I want to do for someone else. Even before the new year ticked over to 2019, I did this with a college friend. Instead of saying “we should get together when I’m home,” I offered up our availability and we made it work. I too easily talk myself out of making plans because they require work. (This literally required an hour-long drive and restaurant research. Sooooo hard. Not.) I’m trying to do better at responding sooner than later or reaching out when the first thought of a person comes to mind. No more “I’ll get to that later.”
  3. Get-togethers in our house. Phil and I love getting people together and we have used our house as an excuse not to. We took some steps toward that this year but want to expand on it this year. We don’t have to wait for a special occasion to have people over, or a holiday. We’re already thinking about events, though, like the Super Bowl. And making sure we follow up with people who say things like “We should get together soon.” Our most recent date night resulted from such a follow-up.
  4. Vacation. Yes, it’s only January, but summer is our prime time for family togetherness, so we’re already talking about what our vacation for this year might be, and it will require planning. (My husband has already ordered some vacation planning materials from the places we are thinking about visiting.) I think planning and intention go hand-in-hand and while I’m good at planning certain things, there are other areas of life where I’m still go-with-the-flow. This latter attitude sometimes means I miss out on things I want to do. I don’t want to wait for a better time or day or year or season of life.
  5. This year I want to keep working on my after-40 goals and that will require intention. I’m no longer in a place where time or money or kids is an excuse. (I mean, there are still limitations on all of those things, but they aren’t impossible obstacles.) One thing I’ve already done this month is set aside time each week to start learning sign language with my daughter so we can communicate with my niece/her cousin. It’s too important for us to just think “we’ll get to that later.” We started already, and we have a long way to go.

I could probably keep adding to this list, but I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed. Energized, too, but definitely overwhelmed. Intention requires attention and effort and it’s a good thing I got a lot of practice at being awake to my life last year so I could walk into this year with a renewed sense of purpose.

And just to be clear: this isn’t about living life at full throttle, never slowing down to take it all in or rest. Slowing down, resting, breathing deeply, silence, listening–these are all things that also require intention. I need to build them into my life.

So this is where I start. With my eyes, heart and mind turned to intention and all the ways that it has the potential to show up in my life this year.

Have you picked a word yet? (Maybe one picked you!) I’d love to hear about it.

Filed Under: dreams, Friendship, holidays, One Word 365 Tagged With: intentional living, making a plan

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