• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • The words
  • The writer
  • The work

Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

Writing

Stuck in a shallow creek

October 10, 2022

A few years ago, I decided to start saying “yes” to more things that used to make me afraid. Not like scary Halloween kinds of things but things that other people seem to enjoy that my anxious self could only envision turning into disaster. Living with anxiety makes even potential fun seem dangerous and I lived that way for a long time. Anxiety medication has helped me get over the hesitation of saying “yes,” which means I say “yes” more often now to things I might not have considered saying “yes” to before. 

But that doesn’t mean everything turns out perfectly or that I still don’t have some moments where I regret the “yes.”

My most recent “yes” that challenged me happened on a beautiful creek in the mountains of Pennsylvania on a typical fall day–a little sunshine, a little rain, a little chilly temps, leaves turning just a bit. I was away from home for the weekend with a group of friends from book club, our first such getaway since I’ve been part of the group, a chance to get to know each other better and connect with nature and just take care of ourselves for a time. (We love our families and we’re exhausted. Maybe you can relate.)

We arrived at the cabin (think modern conveniences, not rustic camping) in the dark so it wasn’t until the next morning that the full scope of our surroundings was evident. I looked out the window and almost gasped. (I say “almost” because others in the house were still asleep.) I made a cup of coffee, slid on my flip-flops, walked the short distance from the house to the creek’s edge and marveled. 

I feel peace just looking at the photo

How could such beauty not only exist but be so accessible? I dream of places where I can walk out on a balcony or porch and be faced with natural elements like water and woods. This was breathtaking.

I had already told my companions that I was not much for water sports and there was talk of kayaking the creek, if it was high enough. After wandering out to the banks of the creek, I decided I wanted to get to know that creek better. I had never kayaked before, so it was a chance to say “yes” to something new and experience nature more closely. This is why I love hiking because I feel more of a connection to nature when I’m walking through it and on it rather than viewing from afar. Kayaking, I thought, would be a similar experience.

We divided ourselves into two groups–there were five of us and three kayaks–and I was one of the first three to go. Among the group of three that I went with, one was an experienced kayaker, the other had not done it in a long time, and I was the newbie. Kayaking always looked fun and peaceful when I saw people’s pictures on socials, so that was my expectation going into it.

Expectations are unreliable sometimes.

We hauled the kayaks from the barn to the bank and I not-so-gracefully stepped in to the vessel and situated myself. 

Photo credit: Yaya Lee

I hadn’t gone far when I got stuck on the rocks. The creek was low but we thought it would be higher closer to the mountain side of the creek on the other side. After a solid push, I was on the water.

Photo credit: Yaya Lee

The feeling of being in the middle of the creek with a mountain on one side was soul-fulfilling and wondrous. We saw a heron right away and as we glided by, I was in awe of how close we got to it without scaring it. The creek carried us downstream and I enjoyed the pace of the journey.

The bottom of my kayak kept scraping the rocks and I worried I would get stuck. We hadn’t been on the creek long when we approached a spot I want to call “rapids” but that seems dramatic. The water flowed over and around some large rocks making for some tricky maneuvering I wasn’t prepared for. I worried about tipping the kayak and falling in the creek. Even though it was shallow, I don’t like to be wet without intention (like in a shower or a pool). I made it through the first area like this and breathed deeply, suspecting that maybe I was not on the sort of peaceful journey I was expecting.

As we went along, we saw two bald eagles soaring above us, landing in the trees nearby.

There’s an eagle in that tree to the right.

The sun peeked through the trees and I was reminded again of the beauty and peace this place had to offer.

This might be the most beautiful picture I have ever taken

And then I got stuck.

The kayak scraped the bottom and I ran up against a large rock and I could not get free. My two companions were farther up the creek, and I didn’t want to disturb the peace, so I didn’t call out for them. I wasn’t worried about getting lost or not finding them at the end of the journey. I knew the creek would lead me to them. 

But I did panic about being stuck. I wiggled and jiggled myself in the kayak trying to shimmy it loose. I poked my oar in the creek and tried to leverage it to push myself out. I exerted great effort. I cursed the creek I had just admired in wonder. I could have gotten out and pushed but I worried about slipping on the rocks and hurting myself. The negative soundtrack in my head started to play: you’re not strong enough for this. You’re not fit for kayaking. Maybe if you weighed less you wouldn’t have gotten stuck. Why would you ever try something new? Didn’t you know it would turn out like this?

My friend, the experienced kayaker, stopped up ahead when she saw I was behind. I thought I was ruining the trip for my companions. 

Finally, I got free, but instead of enjoying myself, I was now angry.

“Are you okay?” my friend asked when I caught up to her.

Through tears (I was now crying) I said, “No, but I will be.”

—

As long as I can remember, I have been drawn to water. I don’t know what this says about me, if it’s a product of growing up in a place with a river literally running through the middle of the town or if it’s got anything to do with personality or astrology, I just know that if there is water, I want to be near it. Lake, ocean, creek, pond, river … I’m not particular. Water does something for my soul.

When it comes to being in the water, I am much more hesitant. I am not a strong swimmer. I fear drowning. Water is a force that could easily overwhelm me and I like to be in control. I love being on the water as long as someone else is driving the boat. When we’re on vacation, we try to take a ferry or some other kind of boat ride every year as an unofficial “requirement” of the trip. Some day, I think I’d like to take some kind of cruise to experience the vastness of the water. I don’t think I need all the cruise ship entertainment, just the ocean and its endlessness. Maybe an ancestor of mine was a sailor.

Being on the water with someone else powering the vessel is relaxing for me. I can literally sit back and take in the beauty all around me. 

This is what I thought kayaking would be.

Instead, it was a lot of work.

—

Why was I crying?

I don’t think tears are good or bad in and of themselves, but I do think they can be indicators. Something rose to the surface in me while I was struggling to get the kayak unstuck. What was it?

The answer was clear and completely uncomfortable: I resist taking charge of my own life.

I relish being a passive observer. At least, I think I do. That sounds easy and if something goes wrong, then it’s not my problem to fix, especially if someone else is at the helm. I’m perfectly content to let life happen to me and all around me.

Because being an active participant in your life takes work. And sometimes it’s hard. And sometimes you get stuck. And sometimes it’s frustrating to try to get yourself unstuck. And sometimes I want someone else to step in and come to the rescue and fix whatever is broken with a snap of their fingers.

But that’s not how life works. At least, not in my experience.

And that’s not really what I want. When I turned 40 I made a list, not of things to do before I die but just of intentions and experiences and things I want to do. Period. I don’t want a literal deadline on these things because I want to experience life for the pleasure of now not for the fear of the future.

When I made that list, it was so that I wouldn’t have any excuses or regrets for living the kind of life I wanted. So, when did I drift back into the passive observer mode?

This is what surfaced while I was stuck in the shallow water of the creek: I was on my own to get unstuck. There was no one to rescue me. Not my friends who were farther down the creek. Not my husband, who was more than three hours away. Not any member of my family. Not even a stranger or another kayaker. It was just me and the creek and my stuck kayak.

And I was terrified that I didn’t have the skills or the strength to get myself out of this situation. I was faced with the fear of my own inadequacy. And I realized that most of the time, I only try things that I think I’ll be good at or that won’t prove overly challenging because then I can’t fail. It’s really easy to look like you’re mastering life when you don’t take on any kind of challenge. When you always choose the path of least resistance. When the easy road becomes the comfortable road.

I stopped running when it got more difficult.

I don’t work on my novels because writing is hard and the payoff is unseen, at best, unknown, at worst.

I quit trying to learn sign language because it’s frustrating to learn a new language. (Of course it is.)

I don’t even want to try to buy a house because the process is terrifying and change is complicated, even when it’s good.

I choose the easier things because they are easy. I’m not saying I want my life to be hard, but sometimes it has to be challenging to get to the next spot on the journey. Am I wrong about that?

—

After I freed myself from the first shallow point and let my tears out, I tried to focus on the beauty of the scenery. But then I got stuck again and I wanted to give up. I was real close to throwing my paddle in the creek, which would not have helped my situation at all. Later, I realized that I might have been trying too hard to get myself unstuck. That maybe the flow of the creek could have helped me if I could have just relaxed and trusted the flow around me. Instead I wore myself out with my struggling, and I ruined my enjoyment of the trip. By the time we reached the spot where we had parked the truck, two miles downstream from where we started, I was not sure I ever wanted to kayak again.

I can see the difference in my posture in this picture. I am NOT having a good time.
Photo credit: Yaya Lee

I was proud of myself for trying because I would have been disappointed if I hadn’t tried at all, but I didn’t think I’d had a good time. I didn’t want my experience to ruin it for the next group, so I tried to be vague about it when we got back.

The first wave crew. I’m smiling.

“How was it?” one friend asked.

“I’m glad I tried it,” I said, but my frustration must have been written on my face because she immediately picked up on my lack of a good time.

After a cup of tea, a snack and a shower, my perspective changed. I thought about all these feelings that kayaking had stirred up. I think I got a year’s worth of therapy out of a trip down the creek. Later, I talked with others who were more experienced kayakers and they encouraged me to try again in deeper water, or even on a lake.

I don’t think my kayaking days are over.

And I’m still thinking about how I need to challenge myself more in healthy ways in order to grow.

Unrelated to kayaking, one thing that happened as a result of this trip is that I printed out three of my fiction works-in-progress and am gradually letting people read them and give feedback on the stories. One friend read a good chunk of one story during the weekend and her comments have encouraged me to keep going. Other friends are enthusiastic about my writing at a time when I am having trouble being enthusiastic about it myself.

Three very different manuscripts in very different states of progress

In order for something good to happen with my writing, I’m going to have to take action. Me. Not anyone else. And that’s scary. Like so many things that require my active participation, I might ache afterward and be tired and grumpy, but will it have been worth it?

I’m still hoping to answer that question with a “yes.”

Filed Under: beauty, nature, Writing Tagged With: anxiety, kayaking, pine creek, trying new things, writing

Why We Climb the Mountain

July 12, 2021

New experiences cause me to have anxiety. Actually, I’m not even sure that’s entirely accurate. I’m pretty sure I always have anxiety, it’s just sometimes I’m more aware of it than others. New experiences make me feel the weight of anxiety more than familiar experiences.

The church we’ve been attending has been organizing summer hikes once a month from May to August. The kids and I went to the first one (when we were still strangers to the church) and missed the second one for my grandmother’s funeral. The third one was rapidly approaching and I was feeling a whole bunch of feelings: nervous, excited, anxious, stressed. The hike was scheduled for a trail I’d never been to in an area about 30 minutes from our house. When it comes to hiking, I’m not new, but most of my hiking I’ve done with Phil. I’m not sure I’ve ever done much of it just me and the kids.

This was my first point of anxiety. Phil is much more level-headed about outdoorsy stuff than I am. I’m usually okay once I get out there in the woods and nature because it feeds my soul to be among the trees, but it’s the getting there that almost paralyzes me. I worry about injuries and getting lost and peeing in the woods. I worry about where to park if the trailhead is busy. Phil, if he worries about any of these things, doesn’t show it. He is calm and collected and handles the unexpected in a way that grounds me. But Phil works on Saturdays and these hikes are on Saturdays, so I was on my own with the kids.

And speaking of kids, sometimes they gripe about going hiking. They ask about how far the hike is and how long we’ll be gone and if there will be bees. The night before this most recent hike, it rained hard and I warned them: it might be muddy, so plan for that. I am not a great motivator for getting people out of the house when I am weighed down my own anxiety, so I thought it was possible that I would just say “forget it” and we’d stay home.

To lessen the anxiety, I try to get as much information as possible. This hike was supposed to be moderate with a steep incline to the top, so I checked my hiking app and read the comments and reviews to see just how steep and incline-y this trail would be. Phil and I once underestimated the designation “very steep” on a hike not long after we’d moved to Pennsylvania. Illinois “steep” and Pennsylvania “steep” are two very different things.

I didn’t find exactly what I was looking for, but I did find two interesting comments:

“Eagle Rock is neat but not particularly scenic.”

“Was disappointed with the view from the top, as it was covered by trees.”

This reminded me of the one-star reviews of National Parks I saw while scrolling social media sometime ago.

And as we hiked the trail (yes, we made it to the meet-up and yes, we had a good time), I thought about that latter comment especially.

Is the view from the top the only reason we climb the mountain?

—

For the second year in a row, I’ve participated in a fitness and nutrition community/program called My Peak Challenge. If you’re a fan of the Outlander TV show, My Peak Challenge was founded by Sam Heughan, and what attracted me to the community and program was the personal nature of the goals and the program. (Also part of the annual fee goes to charity, which is a win, even I don’t use the program at all.) Peakers, as participants are called, are encouraged to “Find Your Peak,” be it a physical goal or a non-physical goal. Sometimes the goal is learning a language or going back to school; sometimes it’s about losing weight or climbing a literal mountain. Sometimes it’s about acquiring a new skill or abandoning something that isn’t life-giving. There are as many challenges as there are Peakers (so, thousands) and it’s inspiring to see people reach their goals and find their peaks.

I consider myself a bit of a slacker when it comes to goal-setting. I don’t like to commit to goals because I’m afraid I won’t reach them. (On the other hand, if I never set goals, I’ll certainly never reach them!) I’m learning that the failure isn’t in not reaching the goal but in not setting the goal in the first place. Progress toward a goal is not wasted effort. There are things to be learned along the way.

This is me preaching to myself, by the way. I’m feeling this tension most deeply in my writing life right now. I am still a writer but I’m not doing as much writing as I think I should be doing, and my writing goals are not particularly ambitious or challenging. Writing is my mountain and sometimes I fear 1) that I won’t make it to the top and 2) that I won’t like the view once I get there.

So I’ll ask myself again: Is the view from the top the only reason we climb the mountain?

—

The reviewers were right. The view from the top of this particular trail was not stunning or breathtaking. We could see a little bit of farmland through the trees but mostly the view was the trees right in front of us.

The view from the top of Eagle Rock

Did that mean the previous hour of hiking was worthless?

Far from it. On the way up our lungs expanded and our legs burned as we traveled up the incline. We talked with those who were on the journey with us (and some who were not; we helped direct a family on the right path that their oldest son, who was far ahead of them, had taken). We tripped and consoled and kept going. We raced ahead and we lagged behind. We stepped on every rock on the path. We stopped to catch our breath.

And on the way down, we talked like old friends. Some of the kids got far ahead of the grown-ups but they were having their own great time. The time passed as if it was no time at all and by the time we were at the bottom, no one was talking about how mediocre the view had been.

All we could do was bask in the togetherness as we gobbled our packed lunches while giving our legs a rest.

“That was so much fun,” my kids both said in the car on the way home.

The view, it would seem, was not the point of the hike.

—

At the top of a mountain or rolling hill, the view might be amazing. It might take your breath away.

Or the clouds might hang low and block the view. Or the trees might be growing right where you’re supposed to be looking. 

Or maybe you don’t make it to the top and have to turn around before you even get there.

Maybe the top of the mountain is crowded and you can’t enjoy the view, even if you can see it. Maybe someone has graffitied the rock or left some trash. Maybe it’s not what you expected at all.

Maybe it’s beautiful.

Maybe it’s mundane.

But was the climb still worth it? 

(To quote a Miley Cyrus song, “Ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb.”)

What if the climb is the whole point?

—

On that Saturday hike, the talking, the being in nature, the exercise of our bodies was the point of the hike, not the view we would see from the top.

With my writing, maybe the end goal isn’t the point, exactly. Maybe it’s more important what happens along the way.

Maybe the view from the top is only one of the reasons we climb the mountain.

Maybe we climb the mountain to see if we can. 

Or prove that we can. 

Maybe we climb the mountain to restore our souls with the sights and sounds of nature. 

Maybe we climb the mountain because it makes for a good story. Or a picture for our Instagram. 

Maybe we climb the mountain to spend time with friends or family. 

Maybe we climb the mountain to strengthen our legs or our lungs.

Maybe we climb the mountain because it’s there to be climbed.

Maybe we climb the mountain because we can’t imagine not climbing it.

Because we have to. Or need to. Or just plain want to.

Even if we climb it just for the view from the top, we have to accept that we can’t stay there at the top. Eventually we have to come down. And maybe the view at the bottom isn’t the same as the view from the top.

But then again, neither are we the same.

The person who went up the mountain is not the same as the person who came down.

Maybe that’s the whole point of the climb.

Filed Under: dreams, mental health, Writing Tagged With: anxiety, goal-setting, hiking new trails

  • Page 1
  • Page 2
  • Page 3
  • …
  • Page 20
  • Next Page »

Primary Sidebar

Photo by Rachel Lynn Photography

Welcome

Hi. I’m Lisa, and I’m glad you’re here. If we were meeting in real life, I’d offer you something to eat or drink while we sat on the porch letting the conversation wander as it does. That’s a little bit what this space is like. We talk about books and family and travel and food and running, whatever I might encounter in world. I’m looking for the beauty in the midst of it all, even the tough stuff. (You’ll find a lot of that here, too.) Thanks for stopping by. Stay as long as you like.

When I wrote something

May 2025
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031  
« Jun    

Recent posts

  • Still Life
  • A final round-up for 2022: What our December was like
  • Endings and beginnings … plus soup: A November wrap-up
  • A magical month of ordinary days: October round-up
  • Stuck in a shallow creek
  • Short and sweet September: a monthly round-up
  • Wrapping the end of summer: Our monthly round-up

Join the conversation

  • A magical month of ordinary days: October round-up on Stuck in a shallow creek
  • Stuck in a shallow creek on This is 40
  • July was all about vacation (and getting back to ordinary days after)–a monthly roundup on One very long week

Footer

What I write about

Looking for something?

Disclosure

Lisa Bartelt is a participant in the Bluehost Affiliate Program.

Occasionally, I review books in exchange for a free copy. Opinions are my own and are not guaranteed positive simply due to the receipt of a free copy.

Copyright © 2025 · Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in