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The Distancing Diaries: Days 26-30

April 13, 2020

Thirty days. Hard to believe it’s been a full month of a new way of life. I’m grateful for you who are reading along about the often mundane ways we are spending our days.

Day 26: The closer this number gets to 30, the sadder I get, but we’ve been at this long enough that it’s the new normal.

Sleep was interesting last night. About 1 a.m. a thunderstorm rolled through which meant our daughter woke up right away and came to our room. She is now a full-sized human wanting to share our bed when she’s scared, and our bed is not that big. We squeezed in and slept fitfully for the next several hours. I had a knot in my neck from hugging the edge of the bed so tightly. At some point in the night, Phil went to the couch so she and I had more room. Our son slept through the whole thing. I don’t remember my alarm going off, so if it did, I’m sure I turned it off. It was almost 7 before I got out of bed. Phil and our son were up in the living room. The girl is still sleeping.

It was well after 7 before everyone was up and getting breakfast. We aimed for 8 for our educational meeting, but it was a little after. We had our plan for the day and the kids went outside to play. I changed into workout clothes and went for a run. Today’s was the longest amount of time yet–30 minutes, but I took it at easy pace so I only covered a little more than 2 miles. Still, I ran continuously for 30 minutes and I wasn’t winded or exhausted when I finished. There will be other days to give it all I’ve got.

Phil was working on sorting through books on our bookshelves when I left, and that project took him most of the morning. Then, we decided to rearrange most of the shelves in the house, which took us a good portion of the afternoon.

It doesn’t look like much on the outside, but this is four months of work for me.

Books was the theme of the day. Before we started working on the bookshelves my box of books for contest judging arrived. This is overwhelming and exciting. It’s work for the next four months, which is good for all sorts of reasons. So, I spent a little time going through the box and double checking the packing list to get myself organized for reading and judging all these books. (It’s one of my favorite things, which probably makes me sound like a horrible person.)

The bookshelves are in a better order, and we cleared one entire shelf for library books so they don’t become scattered all over the house or end up in a pile on the floor. Once we can go to the library again, I will love this system.

Now, I’m waiting on my doctor’s office to call for a telehealth appointment. This is a check-up for my blood pressure medication, and even though I’m not leaving my house, I’m still a little nervous. White coat syndrome even without seeing the white coat!

It was no big deal. I’m going to try going off my blood pressure medication again and see what the readings are for a couple of weeks. If I still need it, the dose can be lowered one more time.

I did some reading and helped figure out dinner. We decided to grill and make potato salad. Collaborative cooking is one of the things I love best about our relationship. Our daughter usually joins in. Tonight, Phil let her get the grill ready and put the meat on (with supervision). I finished reading book 2 of The Wingfeather Saga before dinner. We ate and watched America’s Test Kitchen. I took a shower and got a file organized for my book judging job. It’s a bit of a quiet evening for us. I’m feeling the effects of the restless sleep from last night. I predict an early bedtime all around tonight.

Day 27: It was one episode of The Office and then bedtime for me. I slept more soundly than I have in days but I dreamt a lot. Mostly about school. Co-workers, students, assignments. I can’t believe how much I miss being overworked and underpaid.

Alarm went off at 6:15. I listened to Pray As You Go, especially since it’s Maundy Thursday. I need a bit of anchoring. This weekend is Easter but it will probably be the least Easter-y feeling Easter ever. That doesn’t mean it’s not still special or important. Just different.

Then I stayed in bed scrolling Twitter and Instagram until after 7 o’clock. The boy was up already. The girl was not. But it wasn’t long before everyone was awake and eating breakfast. This is the last “school” day for the kids until Tuesday. I think that will be a nice break.

The boy and I worked on dishes while Phil and our daughter worked out. The kids then worked on academics for a little while. That weekend feeling is strong even though we have no weekend-y plans. I got in some good reading time for the contest judging. In the middle of our son’s class meeting, our governor made the decision to close all Pennsylvania schools for the rest of the school year. I left the table to go see it for myself and cried in the bedroom. No goodbyes for my students. No collaboration with my co-workers. No closure for the school year. Everything I left at school is just there. I don’t have anything valuable or super important but it’s a weird feeling to not have it all wrapped up.

I tried to think about lunch but grief of all kinds is powerful. I mostly just ate whatever I could see, which is never good but sometimes necessary. We got through lunch. The kids had a little bit of extra screen time after Phil left for work. I told them that TV doesn’t count because it’s not individual face-in-a-screen. A storm moved through dropping sheets of rain and rushing wind. It adds to the stress a little to hear the wind blowing outside. Can’t something just be calm if the rest of the world is chaos? Apparently not.

I read some more and made a list of things to bake this weekend (more stress baking, yay!) and the kids did a little bit more academics and band and chore time to round out their day. Early in the week I had set out times for myself to write and I have yet to keep any of those appointments. So, I worked on a client project for close to an hour. I’m not doing my best work right now, but just doing some work is helpful.

Now it’s 3 o’clock and the kids are watching screens and I’m listening to the wind howl outside. I’m not going to start dinner prep yet, and I might just keep eating. We have a lot of knock-off Oreos in the house. Find comfort where you can, friends.

I went back to reading until Phil got home. We talked for a bit and I got some dinner things out and started. It was a pasta kind of night and we ate while watching the latest episode of LegoMasters. The rest of the family asked what I was interested in watching and I just couldn’t take another food show right now. After dinner, we encouraged the kids to get showers. Phil and I made the produce list for the week and looked up a recipe for the curry we want to make for Easter dinner. Once one child got in the shower, we called to talk to a friend who needed some encouragement and reminding to stay home during this pandemic. We offered to get what he needed from the store if necessary, and we promised to celebrate his birthday when this is all over, no matter the date.

The disappointments run deep for everyone for different reasons. It’s hard to believe that a month ago we couldn’t envision what our lives would be like. I won’t tell you that I’m hopeful, confident or unafraid. Sometimes I feel those things but mostly I feel uncertain, like hoping might be too much effort. Fear is a powerful force and it takes a powerful force to fight it. Sometimes I’m not sure I have it in me.

Collectively, though, I believe we have it in us. But we need each other like never before. We need to borrow hope from one another and we need to value each other enough to stay away for now. I think about the immense burden our leaders are bearing. Our governor has to make these difficult decisions while watching the numbers climb daily and there doesn’t seem to be anything that can stop it. We’re used to sending armies to defeat our enemies, but this battle requires that we go nowhere. Staying put feels like giving up. At least it does to me. I’m not a person of inaction, but there are ways to fight fear and hopelessness without leaving your home. It’s hard but not impossible.

I’m preaching to myself tonight. I barely believe the words I’m writing, but I believe that words have power and can change the world. I’ll keep using them as long as I’m able.

I’m sad tonight. Maybe that’s not all bad. I don’t want to get to the point in this whole thing where I’m closed off to all feelings. I want to feel, even when it hurts, because it means I’m still here. If you’re reading this, then you’re still here, too. Don’t give up, friend. We need you in this fight.

Day 28: Four weeks. Sleep was good last night. It’s a Friday that feels like a Saturday, a normal one anyway because there’s no “school” and Phil is at work. I keep forgetting it’s Friday. I listened to Pray As You Go because it’s Good Friday. Easter weekend. And it’s going to look so different than usual. No family gathered. No church celebration.

The kids are watching shows on TV and it makes me think of all the Saturday mornings I woke up and turned on the TV to whatever was on. We’re working on breakfast. I have a long list of baking things I want to do this weekend, some for Easter, some just because. And I’m planning to set aside some writing time today. Work feels good and is good.

We met briefly at 8 o’clock to lay out what we had to do today. I find it helpful if I tell the kids my intentions for the day as well so they don’t assume I have nothing to do. The kids folded towels and watched TV while I got started on work. Then they moved on to another cleaning project. I worked for about 90 minutes in total. I had a couple of meals/snacks to prep for the weekend, so I went to the kitchen and listened to an Office Ladies podcast while I washed dishes. Then I made an overnight oats recipe.

When the podcast episode was finished, I went looking for Andrew Peterson’s read aloud of The Wingfeather Saga book 1 and started listening to that while I made a brownie recipe from my nutrition/fitness program. The kids came into the kitchen and realized it was almost time for lunch. They had surprised themselves by how much they’d worked. They started getting lunch ready, with some help, and our daughter went out to get the mail. There was another small package from the grandparents that they tore into. It included some of those capsules that you put into warm water and they turn into something else. They were fascinated.

I finished the brownies while I ate lunch and listened to the first night of the reading. I washed another round of dishes because I want the kitchen to be cleanish for later baking and cooking projects. I started the second night of readings while I folded a load of laundry and ate a little more lunch. I want to work out in a little while, but it’s really windy outside and I’m not sure I’m going to enjoy it. Maybe I don’t always have to enjoy it. It’s a Friday that feels like a Saturday because there’s no school meetings or homework today and no one at the business behind our house. As if life was not disorienting enough!

I finished the second night of Wingfeather read-aloud. Time to get ready to work out.

It’s so windy outside. I didn’t want to go outside, but today’s workout is intervals and I haven’t yet found a cardio option I want to do inside for 2 minutes that compares to walking and running. So, I braved the elements. I was feeling really tired when I started but the fresh air and the biting wind woke me up pretty quickly. For those few minutes outside, I felt alive again. This is the fight I have on days when there’s not much to get me moving and out of bed. Sometimes just doing the next thing is the right thing.

I made a smoothie when I finished. I think I’ll spend some time reading this afternoon.

I did that while the kids watched YouTube and cleaned out a bin I asked them to sort through. I asked the kids to stop watching YouTube and they decided to play video games together. I put the clean dishes away while listening to more of Andrew Peterson read from On The Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness. I started some dinner prep, realizing almost too late that I needed more time to bake the sweet potatoes.

Phil came home with our vegetables, the goat meat for our Easter feast and a bunch of goodies from another stand at market: a baguette, some sweet breakfast treats and fresh pasta. I finished working on dinner. The kids took some extra time to finish the game they were playing. Phil took a shower. We ate dinner while watching a Bon Appetit video about all the ways to cook salmon. Because we were eating salmon for dinner.

The kids practiced band after dinner so they could watch more screens later. They’re still sorting through the bin, so it’s valid. I took a shower. It’s been kind of a lazy day. The kids are still wearing the pajamas they slept in last night. A day like this is okay. This is what I’m telling myself.

They went to bed around 8. I watched a bit of Netflix and worked on my cross-stitch. I had trouble falling asleep. During the day, my anxiety seems manageable, then sometimes when I lie down to sleep, it rushes to the surface.

Day 29: Holy Saturday. It’s a day often overlooked in the whole Easter weekend but especially appropriate this year. A day of waiting. Of darkness. Of uncertainty. I listened to Pray As You Go and read what the Book of Common Prayer told me to read for the Daily Office. I was struck by Psalm 88 with lines like these:

“You have put my friends far from me.”

“Will your loving-kindness be declared in the grave? your faithfulness in the land of destruction? Will you wonders be known in the dark? or your righteousness in the country where all is forgotten?”

“My friend and my neighbor you have put away from me, and darkness is my only companion.”

Sometimes I’m surprised anew by the words I read in an ancient text that have relevance to my modern life.

The kids are playing video games.

Friends from church left a plant on our porch sometime after we locked the house last night and woke up this morning. Phil must have found it when he left for work this morning.

It’s my brother’s birthday. We’re going to make some cupcakes to celebrate. And by “we” I mean “me” because it’s Saturday and the kids are on their own. While they finished a level of Lego Star Wars, I washed dishes and listened to Andrew Peterson read more chapters of book 1 of The Wingfeather Saga. Then I made the cupcakes. They look like muffins now that they’re out of the oven. Either I didn’t stir them enough or our oven is wonky. Either is a real possibility.

The kids are playing school now with their stuffed animals and dolls. It’s my favorite thing to watch happen because they make up real problems and assignments. I should be reading or doing something more productive than scrolling social media. I wrote a long sappy text to my brother and researched homemade masks. I still haven’t made one, but I think I’m going to try today. I drank more coffee and had a snack.

I went to the kitchen to do some reading, and not long after I had sat down, a van pulled into our driveway with people waving at us. I didn’t recognize them at first, but then our daughter’s best friend got out of the car and came toward the door. I called for my daughter and she and her friend waved at each other through the door. I asked her friend to leave what she brought on the porch and after she went back down the steps, our daughter stepped outside and said “hi” and “happy Easter” to her friend and her family. It’s so hard to watch them not be able to hug each other. Still, it was a nice surprise.

Peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate fudge frosting

The kids came into the kitchen looking for lunch, so we gathered what we needed for that. I ate a salad and listened to an Office Ladies podcast. After I finished eating, I washed some dishes so I could make the frosting for the cupcakes. Frosted, the cupcakes look better and, don’t tell anyone, but I ate one because there was one that sort of fell apart coming out of the pan. Not too bad. I read a little more and then got ready to do my workout. I missed a call from one of my grandmas because my phone was on the charger. Sounds like we’ll get to see her via video tomorrow.

Partway through my workout, our landlord showed up to mow the lawn. This had been a source of stress/worry for me. We don’t now a lawnmower. It’s part of our lease that he takes care of lawn care. The grass has been getting pretty wild, and we haven’t seen our landlord all winter (not unusual). I was beginning to wonder if we would need to borrow a lawnmower and have a “class” on mowing the lawn.

I finished my workout and made a snack. It’ll be back to the dishes for me. The kids started laundry, which was going to be next on my list, but they’re in more desperate need of it than I am. We’re having homemade pizza tonight.

We burnt the pizza slightly, which was almost a problem for our son, but everyone ate it and was happy. We had the cupcakes for dessert. During dinner we watched Sight and Sound’s production of Jesus that was available to stream for free on the TBN app. It was so beautiful. I cried multiple times. I even got to snuggle with my son a bit. He’s not always into snuggles, but I could tell by his mood that he needed some attention and wasn’t able to ask for it.

Phil and I watched a couple of episodes of The Office as we filled the Easter baskets. The kids saw the candy earlier in the week when Phil got back from the grocery store and maybe we have them convinced the bunny still brought the candy. I don’t know. Both our kids still believe in all the things: Santa, tooth fairy, Easter bunny. I won’t lie: if it was all ruined during a pandemic, I wouldn’t be sorry.

I went to bed and read for a while.

Day 30: Let’s sit with that number for a moment. Thirty. Days. In some ways, it’s all normal and in a lot of other ways, it’s not normal at all.

I woke up and decided to go for a run. Easter sunrise service is one of my favorite things, but we haven’t participated in one for years. Under normal circumstances, we would have gone to one this morning, but it was canceled, of course. An early morning run is almost like a sunrise service for me.

It took me a little while to get ready, but I headed out around 7:30, intending to run for 30 minutes, and that’s what I did. It was cool and sunny and peaceful and I ran almost as far as I did last Sunday, at a slower pace, but honestly I’m just interested in getting it done, not getting it done fast.

When I got home, Phil was eating sunny side up eggs over sweet potatoes and offered to make me some. I made coffee, stretched, drank water and had some of the raspberry bread he brought home earlier in the week. We saved it for Easter morning, and it was delicious. My eggs were perfectly cooked, and I feel so loved. Breakfast is my love language.

I took a shower and Phil dug out his Easter outfit for online church–the suit he wore for our wedding. It’s pink from top to bottom, and it fits him loosely so it was almost comical to see him wearing it. He found an unopened package of McDonald’s cookies in the breast pocket. Because on our way from the church to the reception venue, our brother-in-law drove us through the McDonald’s drive-through. Thirteen-year-old expired cookies is a fun find.

As we readied ourselves–with communion elements–for online church, I told Phil I’d marry him again, especially knowing we would get to this point of our marriage. A place that’s mostly calm and good. There have been other seasons of our marriage where I’m not sure I would have said that I would do it all over again.

Online church was encouraging. We got to sing together and experience the sermon all at the same time. We took communion collectively though separate. And we had a good sermon discussion time afterward.

We have a full afternoon of food prep ahead of us, plus some online calls with family.

It’s night now. Bedtime was rough. The day is catching up with me. I’m irritable and cranky, and I’m afraid it’s my medication, or lack thereof. This may not be the best time to go off my blood pressure medication, but I can’t seem to say that to my doctor when she suggests it. We’ll try again tomorrow.

Our Easter dinner was African-inspired: goat curry, chapatis (flatbread), Formosan fried cabbage and samosas.

The kids set the table. It’s the first time we’ve eaten at the table in a month.

We had cheesecake for dessert. And took a walk between dinner and dessert. The kids rode their scooters and the sounds of joy as they coasted down the hill are some of my favorite things in the world right now.

So much food. Then we watched both episodes of John Krasinski’s Some Good News because I hadn’t shared those with the family yet.

We had a good time right up until bedtime and then it all went south. I hate how everything seems to turn on a dime. Like, there’s no warning that one of us is about to blow up. We’re holding too much inside, and I don’t know how to let it out in a healthy and productive way. Maybe that’s too much to ask.

A good night of sleep makes everything better, or at least more manageable.

The Distancing Diaries: Days 22, 23, 24 & 25

April 8, 2020

The number of days I’m covering in a single post is getting longer. Maybe by next week I’ll be covering a whole week at a time. If you’re still following along, feel free to read these in as many chunks as you need to. A reminder: I’m doing this mostly for me and I’m letting you in on the ordinary, everyday stuff of this strange new life.

Day 22: I slept in, meaning that I didn’t get out of bed until after 7. I had scrolled social media for far too long before I decided it was time to get up. I made breakfast and coffee, paid a couple of bills, and now I’m at the computer, logging more diary entries for me and anyone else who cares.

By the time I finished blogging, it was 9 o’clock and the kids had still been watching screens. I heavily encouraged them to stop. I needed to get to the dishes, so I put on an Office Ladies podcast. Daughter put on her skates to go outside. Son decided active video games was not a screen and who am I to argue? Although I’m skeptical that Hot Pursuit is an active game. He does seem to move around quite a bit trying to get the car to do what he wants. Fifteen minutes of skating was enough for the girl, so she came in and resumed online shopping.

I finished the dishes and folded a load of laundry. I had a snack and did some reading and by 10:30, the boy was still playing video games. Saturdays, man. On the one hand, I want this day to feel different from school days, but the screens. Trying not to beat myself up about it too much. We gathered some lunch materials and went our separate ways. Just before lunch, a package arrived for the children full of random stuff to occupy their time. Also, a card from my grandmother lamenting the changes to Easter this year.

By noon, I was ready to do my workout for the day, so I suited up and again, highly encouraged the children to stop watching their videos and to please for the love of God finish their lunches. I watched a few minutes of the daily Pennsylvania briefing on coronavirus. More than 1,500 new cases in a day. I’m not hopeful this will end, but I was encouraged by the video our governor shared of the mask his wife made him. The directions for mask wearing are clearer and less daunting.

Both kids wandered into the kitchen just after I’d started my workout. The boy decided to take his RC car outside. The girl is trying to rest. She’s tired a lot lately, which normally would not be cause for concern, but anything even slightly out of the ordinary right now has me panicking on the inside. The RC car didn’t last long because it needed a rest. I finished my workout. Now the kids are making shopping lists and I’m headed outside to read. It’s a cool, calm day, overcast but spring-like. I want to be out there. I’m tired of the inside of my house.

I sat outside reading and was struck by the sounds of songbirds that I haven’t heard much or at all recently. I’ve read stories where people say they’re seeing birds they haven’t seen in a while. I’m wondering if that’s what is happening. Nature is taking back some ground. The squirrel that lives in our ornamental pear sure is cozy with our porch. It barely startles when we step outside.

It’s been a lazy afternoon. The kids watched screens for too long. They can’t be convinced to go outside which makes me feel like a failure mom. I looked up some recipes to make sure everything we needed was on the shopping list before Phil went to the store. He got off work later than anticipated, which is good for his hours, but I’m waiting on him to get dinner ready.

Well, I made it till almost 4 today before losing my $h!t. Technically, according to the kids’ schedule, it’s play time, but my son can’t come up with anything to do. I started listing things that he immediately rejected as “that’s not playtime,” and then I shouted and stormed off. I can’t be the entertainment director on this cruise along with all the other hats I’m supposed to be wearing. This ship’s going down, if that’s the case. I might have said that we should eliminate “play time” from the schedule if we can’t come up with anything to do. Never mind that no one has picked up an instrument all week nor did we do any chores today. Schedules are flexible, people!

He made his shopping list and I kept reading. By the time Phil got home from the store, it was nearing 5 o’clock. He spent an obscene amount of money, but the idea is that we won’t need to go back for at least two weeks. When you add up all our daily grocery trips from before, I’m sure we’d come close to this number, but it’s shocking to see it all at once. Our fridge and pantry are stocked full. There should be no one saying they have nothing to eat. That is not a problem right now.

I finished making dinner. We had planned to watch LegoMasters but the show must have taken a break this week, so it was a Supermarket Sweep episode first. Then we video called my parents because my grandma was over there for dinner and talked with her for a while. She wanted to see us. We did an episode of Mr. Bean after that, then put the kids to bed.

Phil and I watched the newest Brooklyn-99, then I went to bed to read.

Day 23: I like sleeping in on Sundays and not feeling rushed. But I miss going places and seeing people. I went to bed last night with a new fear haunting me: what if one of my kids got sick and needed to be in the hospital and we couldn’t be with them? Separation from my kids in a time of need is one of my biggest fears. I tried to calm those fears but my sleep was restless.

Now it’s morning and I’ve made coffee and pancakes are in progress (for me). We worked through our church’s Worship At Home guide and watched the sermon while having breakfast.

Interlude: I’m currently arguing with my son about nonsense. I’m at quarantine level gonna-lose-my-mind because of the people that live in this house with me. It’s little, minor annoyances, but oh. my. God. If this kid doesn’t have something to do 24/7, he whines until you want to stab something in your ears. (I’m being dramatic. No ears were harmed in the writing of this.) All I want to do right now is go outside and read a book, but I can’t leave my children unsupervised because they get right in each other’s spaces and annoy the living crap out of each other.

Back to the ship’s log.

Sermon finished, I prepared for a run. I mapped a new route because I needed some change. I overdressed. The last few times I’ve been out for a run, it’s been chillier than the temperature would suggest. Today, I tucked my gloves into my shorts. I only took my Buff in case I needed to cover my face when approaching another runner. I didn’t need long sleeves.

The change did me good. I could see the river. And neighborhoods we usually drive through on our way to school events. I only chose the route because I knew traffic would be lighter. It was hillier than I expected, but in the end, I posted my farthest distance at my fastest average pace since August. If I’d been dressed more appropriately, it would have been perfect.

This time last year, we were running a 5K in a state park together as a family, so I wore the shirt from that run, in the hopes that later this year we’ll be able to run in races together again.

When I got home, Phil was working out and yelling at the children to get off screens. Maybe I should have more grace about this, but I’m tired of YouTube and online shopping. I took a quick shower before our sermon discussion class was scheduled to meet via Zoom. (I’m also really wanting to see people in person. Technology is not the same.) We had a good discussion time.

The kids started making mac and cheese while we finished our sermon discussion. They did it all themselves, so there’s progress. I set out making my salad for the day, which included cabbage, chicken and apples. I made double so I have some for tomorrow, and even a single portion was huge.

I probably needed to drink more water because I was just hungry for everything. I ate a small portion of the rest of the kids’ mac and cheese. Phil and I talked about the rest of the day’s schedule. We didn’t have any family or friends video calls to make, so the afternoon was kind of wide open. We decided to do some work on the garden.

We headed out there about 1:30 and gave our best effort at the weeds and grasses. Our son joined us for most of the time we were out there. We told our daughter that she would be responsible for chore time for half the time we were out in the garden if she didn’t come out and help. (Spoiler alert: She didn’t come out and help. We found her “sleeping” in her bed when we came in.)

Phil got ready to go to another grocery store. Yesterday’s trip, as extensive as it was, didn’t yield everything that was on our list. And, I’m going to be honest, we need a little more alcohol in the house. (We’re sharing a beer once a week, in case you’re concerned. I have more I could say about this particular coping mechanism, but I won’t right now.) I started washing dishes while we initiated a conversation with the kids about chores and school schedules. The current system is not working because our son is inflexible. If something academic overlaps another time on his schedule, he doesn’t go back and complete that block. So, I decided maybe a checklist system would be better.

Phil left and the kids contemplated what other snacks they might want or need from the store. I made the checklist and we’ll review it later as a family. I’m hoping this will work. Also, the mental energy required to solve all these problems right now is exhausting.

Now the kids are sitting on opposite sides of the living room asking each other ridiculous questions. But they’ve been given a deadline for getting their laundry done and we’ve told them no more screens today. (When we say this, we generally mean individual screens. Television is okay if we’re watching as a family.) I’m not hopeful the laundry is going to get done, but that just means early bed time! We don’t mess around here. (Okay, sometimes we’re not as serious as we want to be about consequences but this time we definitely are!)

I’ve had a snack and updated the journal. Do I dare go outside and read while they’re unsupervised in the living room? I just might.

I did. And they decided to play outside together in the back parking lot. By the time Phil got home, I was starting to cook the bacon to top our salad. He suggested we take a family walk and asked if it should be before or after dinner. The kids decided after. So, I assembled the salad and we ate dinner while watching a couple of Alton Brown videos on YouTube.

It was a gorgeous night for a walk. Both kids took RC cars, although the one our daughter was driving didn’t quite live up to its purpose in life. We did a large loop of the neighborhood, swinging through the Costco parking lot because they were closed or nearly so. Quite a few people in the parking lot wearing masks. Our friend David called while we were walking, so we talked to him almost the whole way home.

The kids asked for ice cream. And then they started to fight over getting their laundry done, so we almost cancelled the ice cream offer. I sat the kids down at the table to talk through the school schedule for this week and introduced them to the new checklist I made. I hope it will offer them more flexibility for completing their required duties while also balancing their screen time. Phil looked for a movie to watch, and then our son threw a fit about needing to eat more food and not being able to find his water and we decided not to watch a movie. Now, we’re arguing about shower time again. We’re going to need to start marking the days that we bathe so we know how long it’s been. (Please tell me, we’re not the only ones.)

We managed to get both kids bathed. Our daughter started reading a compilation of Edgar Allan Poe works because we’re limiting screen time starting tomorrow. They went to bed around 8. Phil and I shared a beer, ate some snacks and watched the first episode of The Story of God with Morgan Freeman on Netflix. It was interesting. A friend dropped off some goodies for our garden. I wish I could have run outside and hugged her, but it was still comforting to know we were thought of.

Day 24: Another restless night. Will I ever sleep well again? I think I was dehydrated from the run, the gardening, the walk and the beer. I downed some water at 5 a.m. after taking my temperature (normal) and my blood pressure (a little high on the bottom number but that was before my meds). I finished book 1 in The Wingfeather Saga before I got out of bed. The kids were not on screens when I went to the living room, although my son wanted to discuss whether listening to a YouTube video counted as screens if he wasn’t actually watching. They are on screens now, but they know their time is limited.

I ate breakfast, then went to the porch to see what “the Easter bunny” left us last night. I was blown away by the size of these seedlings. I don’t think we’ll need anything else for our garden this year. Plus my friend brought us a variety of seeds to plant directly in the ground. Now, to secure a tiller so we can get to the planting. We’ve never in the history of our garden planted anything as early as April. It’s usually Mother’s Day or later by the time we get everything together. I don’t think it will be that late this year.

I printed some materials for my nutrition and exercise program and made a plan for the week. Last week, I failed to set times and intentions for my writing time. Even though I don’t have a lot of external motivation to get the writing done, I have to make space and time for it. So, I blocked out some times for that as well as the times for the kids’ school meetings and my workouts. We briefly met about the kids’ educational plan for today/this week. I’m feeling a little better about it now.

The kids transitioned to active time and my son wanted to use his RC car in the back parking lot, but that business is still open and I don’t like him to be back there when there are cars potentially in and out. So, I laced up my sneakers and we went for a short walk. When we got back, Phil and our daughter were getting ready to work out and our son decided to join in. So, their active time is done for the day. While they worked out, I called about my medication to let them know I was waiting on an answer from the foundation I applied to for assistance with the cost. Then I washed the dishes and ate a snack.

It’s almost 3 o’clock and and the kids are on screens because they earned it and I feel 100 percent better about how this day has gone so far. They spent the allotted time on academics (and a little more), did some chores, practiced band and were active. NOW, they can relax a bit and stuff still got done. Maybe the newness of it will wear off in a day or two but today, I call it a victory.

One of my daughter’s assignments was to build a tower taller than herself and then write eight sentences about it. She decided to use our jigsaw puzzle collection and I helped her haul them off the shelving unit where we keep them. Everything was really dusty, so I took the opportunity to clean and vacuum around that area. Turns out we have 49 puzzles and 24 of them we got on trips somewhere, including our honeymoon. Not bad. Not bad at all. After touching all the puzzles, I want to pick another one to do. Maybe something less challenging than the last one.

I did my workout but I took it easy because of the dehydration. Something is better than nothing is what I keep telling myself. I ended up tuning in to part of the daily news conference from our state. The last two days have been steady for new cases, but it’s too soon to tell if we’ve peaked. Jesus, Lord, I hope so. Earlier in the day, I learned that the writing retreat at which I was schedule to be a presenter in June has been cancelled. It didn’t surprise me but it is another loss. We had so many fun plans for the summer. I’m wondering if we’ll get to do any of them.

It’s a gorgeous day. I opened windows. My time outside working out was invigorating and refreshing. I slotted myself for some work time this afternoon, but I think I’m going to bump it to the evening. It’s just too nice not to be outside. I don’t have to get an early start on dinner. It’s okay to take care of myself and do things that fill me with joy and peace. It’s a lesson I’m still learning and one I hope I can continue to take from all of this.

I was sitting on the porch reading when Phil got home from work. I transitioned back inside just to spend some time with him. I made dinner. We watched an episode of America’s Test Kitchen. I wanted to go back outside to read for a while, and the kids decided to play outside. All of us, excepting Phil, spent about another hour outside. Then we ate ice cream and watched another episode of Nailed It!

I put the kids to bed, and not long after that, I put myself to bed because I’ve just been feeling a little off today.

Day 25: I slept better last night but still had a couple of vertigo moments. I didn’t write much about those yesterday. I suspect it’s a combination of dehydration and sinus stuff. My nose has been running, and I have classic allergy symptoms. This happened a couple of months ago. I had to take a day off work because I didn’t trust my balance. I’ve also been feeling flushed off and on, but I don’t have a fever (not one that registers on our thermometer). Under normal circumstances, I would not even worry about this stuff but now I’m internally freaking out. I’m not having any trouble breathing, so that’s my one consolation. Still, it sucks to not be feeling “normal” physically. I might take the day off from working out today and try to get some extra rest.

I listened to Pray As You Go, then watched the second episode of John Krasinski’s Some Good News on YouTube. I cried. It’s such pure joy. When I got out of bed, my son had already done some of his math academic work and my daughter was reading. She’s got some allergy symptoms going on, too, so she loaded up on fruit for breakfast, including breaking into the juice box stash that’s usually for school. (I’m not sure we’re going to need them for school.) Now they’re doing 30 minutes of screens before we check in for academics.

I made oatmeal for breakfast and am drinking coffee. This is not thrilling stuff, friends, but it is the stuff of life.

Around 8, the kids worked on getting dressed, which was more of a chore than it has been There was a little bit of annoyed fighting. I did not get dressed because I wanted to take a shower. The kids were moving into active time/chore time, so I was a little bit frustrated. My daughter watered the plants. My son put his stuffed animal friends in the washer. Then they went outside to the porch and I took a shower. Can I take a moment and celebrate our porch? It’s literally like an extra room. I’m grateful we have more space than probably most two-bedroom apartments have. Still, it doesn’t always feel like enough space. But when it’s nice outside, the porch is like an extension. We can play out there or read or just put a little distance between ourselves and the other people in the house. (This is how I use the porch.)

After showering, I folded a couple of loads of laundry and listened to the Office Ladies podcast. The kids came back in. We transferred the stuffed animals to the dryer and I started dishes. My son wanted to check off his chore time so he decided to dry dishes. It doesn’t take any more time for him to do this. Sometimes I relish the alone time in the kitchen, but he’s a good helper and now the counters are clear as well as the dishes being done. So, win-win. Our daughter moved to academic time. She’s solving area of triangles problems. Our son practiced band. The new schedule seems to be working and I’m not sorry.

Sometimes this all feels normal, and that scares me a little. Because it’s not normal. Or what we used to think of as normal. There are moments I can convince myself that nothing is wrong with the world, that this is just a typical day in our lives. I don’t know what to do with that feeling. I don’t want to forget what life was like before nor do I want to forget what life is like now.

The rest of the morning went pretty smoothly. The boy took a quick shower before his class meeting. This is usually an area where we fight to get him to do it. Daughter and I cleared some things from the table and she went back to her homework. We watched some TV together at lunch. There’s a channel on our TV that plays Nickelodeon games and it takes me back to my childhood a little. Daughter checked in with her band teacher at noon while son had his small group meeting with his teacher. During afternoon academics, he and I sat together and worked on a writing assignment. This is a trickier area for him, so I practiced presence and patience like I do with my kids at school. Sometimes they just need to know someone is there and believes they can do it.

I worked out after that, literally running circles around the outside of my house. I had a tiny bit of vertigo while I was warming up, just when I was lying down, so I wanted to stay close to home. The previous tenant (see post about Virgil Wander) would have worried that she looked like a crazy person running circles around her house. Now, I don’t care. My neighbor is wearing a mask 24/7 and I can count more people than not wearing masks when they walk by the house. This world is different.

I had to hold the line on shower time with our daughter who wanted her extra screen time before she’d finished everything else on the list. That’s not fair to our son, so there was some crying and disappointment but she practiced band and did more academics and she’s showering now. It’s almost 4 o’clock. Too early to start dinner. I’ve been reading on the porch for about 45 minutes, trying to get ahead of the box of books arriving tomorrow. (It’s paid work from now till the summer. Still, I like to get started as soon as possible.) Also, the book I’m reading is a page-turner that I’ve read before.

Dinner started and made. We watched an episode of America’s Test Kitchen. I was really tired after that but Phil suggested we play a game or start a puzzle. The problem with starting a puzzle is that our dining table has become a work area for the kids with school, so I’m afraid we’d lose the momentum there. The kids decided on a game–Ticket to Ride–but our son insisted on playing on someone’s team. We decided he was fully capable of playing on his own. We had a bit of a standoff about this but eventually he gave in and the four of us played. It was one of the best games of Ticket to Ride we’ve ever played.

Phil is dancing, which is why he’s blurry. This is terrible quality for a photo, but we’re all in it.

It was after 8 by the time we finished and closer to 8:30 by the time we got the kids in bed. Then our friend David called and we talked to him for a bit. We watched a couple of episodes of The Office after that and went to bed.

The Distancing Diaries: Days 19, 20 & 21

April 4, 2020

Day 19: I think I understand why people in isolation or confinement find ways to mark their days. I’m thinking of the stereotypical lines on the wall of the prison cell or torn cloth tied around a stick to mark the passage of time. I don’t think I could have told you we’d been doing this for 19 days if I wasn’t keeping track. It is both heartening and disheartening.

Breakfast, as usual. Educational check-in at 8. Our sixth-grader is fairly independent when it comes to her schooling. She’s checking off her assignments regularly. I can relate. I would be tearing through these lists just to have something to do. Our son is more choosy. He likes math and games, so he’s gravitating towards those, but today I pushed him a little to choose some reading or writing ones. He did work on a math problem. Then we tried to play a math card game, but we had a difference of opinion. After a little bit of time, we worked it out and went back to it, but I’m sure I said things I didn’t mean. This was really the first day my husband got to witness all this goodness.

I washed some dishes and started some laundry. I published a blog post about the late weekend/early week. I made a snack and tried to sift through all these feelings in my head. Phil cleaned around his desk area some more, opening up another work space for the kids, if they so chose. I got our son set up on his class call, then I worked on cleaning off the top of the bookshelf in our bedroom. There’s a ton of running memorabilia from last year that is just stacked up. I don’t know exactly what to do with all of it, but I’ll figure something out. I want to collect all of our workout equipment in one place as well.

Phil went to his counseling appointment and stopped at the pharmacy to see if they had ice packs. He overdid his workouts in the past week and now his knee is hurting a little. There were no ice packs.

When the class call was over, it was almost lunchtime and we started to have a little bit of the breakdown that happened yesterday. We made it through. The kids opted to watch YouTube, so I ate my lunch in the kitchen with Virgil Wander. I will now be referring to my life and actions prior to coronavirus as “the previous tenant.” If you’ve read the book, you’ll understand. If not, well, maybe you should read the book. 🙂

I put on my workout clothes to prep for a run when Phil got home. Google calendar reminded us there was a band Zoom call at noon, so we got ready for that. When Phil got home, I tried to unload my feelings on him, but he offered me a solution that just made me mad, so I was sufficiently fueled with anger for my run.

This was the longest run since last August. The kids and I participated in a 5K with a Dairy Queen Blizzard as part of the finishing swag, and that was the last time I’d run more than 2 miles. I’m not actually sure how much of the 5K I ran since it was me and the kids. Today, I logged 2.21 miles in 28 minutes. I’m in the last week of my C25K program, which ends with a 5K. Under normal circumstances, we would have been running a 5K this weekend at Cowan’s Gap State Park, but that race has be postponed. I’m eager to get back to having things to look forward to.

There were a lot of people out and normally I wouldn’t adjust my route, but I adjusted it every time I saw someone in my path. Sometimes I was running almost down the middle of the road, but there is less traffic on the road, so I guess that’s okay. When I got home, I checked the mail. We got a wedding invitation, which is a strange thing to receive in the middle of a national isolation, but it offers hope. I made a smoothie after I stretched. I tried to explain to Phil what I was feeling earlier, that I didn’t need him to offer me a solution, and then our communication broke down a little more. It’s just one of those days. He put the hot dogs and sauerkraut in the crockpot for dinner. Wednesdays are his night to cook, even now when we’re all at home.

The kids got back to academics. I decided it was time to bake. The kids have been digging in to my Thin Mints stash, which is dwindling quickly and I don’t think I can afford to pay $4 a box to restock, so I grabbed some cookbooks and picked a couple of things I could make fairly quickly.

First up: no-bakes. A sweet staple in our family. Oats. Peanut butter. Cocoa powder. They’re practically healthy. (Except for all the sugar and butter!) These came together easily. Phil and I continued our talk and I was sobbing by the time I was halfway through the cooking. I’m not really letting my real feelings and grief out regularly. I’m so sad for so many things personally right now, and this unexpected season has me remembering the days when I felt like I had no purpose outside of this house and family, which was never enough for me. I’ve tasted the sweet fruit of finding fulfillment in a job and friendships and projects, and now I feel like everything is gone.

I put the no-bakes in the freezer to cool and started in on the second recipe: butterscotch blondies. These are now cooling on the counter, and the kids are already expressing their gratitude for the sweet snacks that are to come. Our daughter attended her writing class. Our son is playing a demolition derby game on his tablet. It’s now 3 p.m. and everyone is on a screen. I’m hoping I can encourage them to get outside for a bit. It was chilly earlier. It’s getting nice out now.

I read outside for a bit. And took a shower. Phil rested and scrolled the streaming apps for a dinner movie. We landed on SpaceJam, so we ate and watched. It’s nostalgic, these basketball players from what I consider the glory days of the NBA. I haven’t watched much pro basketball in years. Our son enjoyed it. It’s the closest thing he’s getting to sports right now. We paused the movie to video chat with family. Then my son wanted to take another RC-car walk, so we did that while it was still light out. It’s only about 15 minutes, but the more fresh air I get in my day, the better I feel.

We went back to the movie, and I curled up next to my husband, feeling like I needed to sleep. It was kind of an all-over-the-place emotional day, and I think I was just tired.

When the movie finished, it was bedtime. I grabbed a couple of no-bakes and we settled in for some episodes of The Office.

It was morning. It was evening. Another day.

Day 20: Does anyone else feel like they’ve lived a decade in the last 20 days? I can hardly remember what normal is like and I suspect things will never be “normal” again.

The alarm went off at 6:15. I grabbed my earbuds and listened to Pray As You Go. I’m not an auditory learner, so sometimes it’s hard to pay attention. The host will ask a question about something that previously played and I won’t remember what the previous thing was because I was drifting in my mind. Still, the songs and voices are a comforting way to wake up.

Breakfast and reading. Virgil Wander is one of those stories that carries you along because you can’t really see where it’s going. At 8, we met for educational check-in and got started. Daughter had some word problems that gave her trouble. I tagged Phil in for those, not because I’m bad at math but because I overthink the word problems sometimes. I sat with our son and worked through his options. It was a good and productive hour. I put some more letters in the mail. Our son ended up reading until about 9:15, then he went outside with Phil and tossed a baseball. Daughter went to the porch to skate, then we put a couple of letters in the mail from her to people she’s been thinking about.

I washed the dishes, folded laundry and put some blankets in the wash. That’s the laundry phase I’m at right now–blankets. It feels good to be staying on top of the daily chores. I’m having trouble working up the energy for extra projects, though. Phil made a phone call about our auto loan, which we got deferred for three months. We breathed a sigh of relief knowing that and his student loan are on hold for now.

Our son met with his class at 10. Daughter was online shopping for shoes and crafts and other things she might want someday. I sat on the couch to read and missed a call from my doctor’s office about next week’s appointment, which can be a telehealth appointment. I’m excited to not have to go to a medical office for a check-up. I texted with a friend and listened in, partially, on the class call. Phil and I talked briefly about the food plan for the weekend. He will go to the store, probably on Saturday, to resupply some things.

Lunch time. Screens. We’re talking about taking a walk later because the sun is shining and the temperatures are pleasant.

She says it’s a peace sign, not a gang symbol. She’s been watching a lot of YouTube lately.

We did take a walk. It was windy but sunny and mostly pleasant. Our son brought the RC car. We encountered no other people, which was surprising. When we got back, it was a little early for academic time but both kids decided to jump in and get started. When my son got settled, I did some pre-dinner prep. I’m finding these afternoon hours difficult because the kids need my computer. It won’t always be this way. I read some more of Virgil Wander. When my daughter’s writing class was over, I started working on a shopping list for the weekend grocery run.

Phil came home from work around 3. I read. The kids watched screens. Dinner won’t take long to come together, so now I’m just waiting for a more appropriate time to get back to it. I don’t mind all the reading time. Sometimes I still feel guilty about not doing other stuff. I have some more cleaning projects to work on, and I still want to establish a better schedule for my own writing and work time. Maybe tonight.

Our son worked on a cardboard project in his room. He wanted to make a cubby for all of his stuffed animals. I think he got it just right.

Phil and I talked and I read while he made his eggs for tomorrow’s breakfast/lunch. Then I got to work on the rest of dinner, a Hawaiian chicken bowl with barbecue sauce. (Not my own recipe.) The kids chose another Bon Appetit YouTube video about all the ways to cook bacon. We had a little bit of a breakdown of manners after that, so we turned the TV off. There were odors emanating from the children so I bribed them to take showers: finish them by 7 p.m. and we can watch the first episode of the new season of Nailed It! There was some crying and misunderstanding. Our daughter’s been fighting a little bit of a headache. We all have the allergies. She took a tyelenol and our son got in the shower. Then my mom called to tell me a story from today and we chatted for a bit while I organized the grocery list. I want Phil to be able to get in and out as quickly as possible. He does his fair share of shopping, so it’s not like he doesn’t know the store, but having the list categorized will make it easier.

Second shower is in progress, past the deadline, but I’m a softie, so as long as we’re all back in the living room by 7:15, we’ll watch the promised episode.

Episode watched. Giggles in abundance. Sometimes laughter IS the best medicine. I put the kids to bed and drew a bath. My muscles were aching and even though the effort of bathing felt like too much, it was a relief to relax and take care of myself.

I wanted to catch up on some writing work, so I put on Bridget Jones’ Diary as background, the kind of movie I know so well that I don’t have to give it my full attention. More self-care as the weekend approaches, although the weekend right now is almost the exact same as every other day now.

Day 21: Three. Weeks. Unbelievable. I’m having trouble believing it’s going to get better. Hearing reports of entire counties that are not practicing social distancing. Of churches defying stay-at-home orders because of “religious freedom.” I have not left my house except to walk or run in 19 days. I want my job back. I want to see my friends.

When I woke up this morning, I’d been dreaming that my car was parked at a local university and I was inside a building for whatever reason. I came out and the two passenger side doors were wide open. Apparently, I’d forgotten to lock the car. All of our CDs were taken, which is about all there is of value inside the car. Then I scrolled my phone trying to figure out who to call: campus security? the police? I think Isabelle drove us home. Because apparently the kids were with me and also old enough to drive. As if waking life isn’t stressful enough, I have to have these weird stress dreams right now, too. This is not the weirdest stress dream I’ve ever had, and I’m no good at interpreting them, but I know I’m grieving losses in my life and this is just one illustration of that.

Lord, have mercy. I wish that was my first thought when things go awry. Instead, it’s shouting and frustration and trying to find a way to escape these circumstances. There is no escape. There is only through. This is the hardest lesson to learn.

Online learning was a struggle this morning, especially with my son. Apparently none of us got a good night’s sleep. Maybe we’ll be napping later. But it started out when he checked his math problem from yesterday and his teacher told him to check it again. “It makes no sense,” is his standard reply when things get hard. And maybe it doesn’t make sense. But I don’t know how to help. He worked for a little while on a Google Slides project then took a pre-test about food production, which only frustrated him more. For one of the questions, his answer was six ROWS of question marks. I told him that was rude and if he didn’t know the answer it was okay to say, “I don’t know” but not to put a string of question marks. My kid might not have any new math or science skills when all of this is over but if I can teach him to not be an asshole, I will have done my job.

We both walked away frustrated. He threw his stuffed animals across the room and told me to leave him alone. I went to the bedroom and cried. My daughter needed my computer to get on her math Zoom call, so I pulled myself together for a few seconds and got her started. Then I did a crossword puzzle on my phone app. I went in and tried to talk to my son, but he was holding the line at “It makes no sense,” refusing to open his mind to learning. I left again. He decided to read. I talked to him again just before his class meeting was to start. He decided he was able to do that.

I made a snack and changed out the laundry while he chatted with his class. Our daughter did some online shopping. (She’s just looking, not buying.) I read while listening to his class meeting a bit. This time of transition is hard. I feel like by the time we find a good rhythm for online school, it will either be a) time to go back to school (I do not hold out a lot of hope for this) or b) summer.

We gathered lunch. I went outside to get the mail. I sent an email about my paycheck that was supposed to be deposited today. Apparently there was a glitch and we should have it by the end of the day. Still … it’s frustrating. EVERYTHING is frustrating right now and I don’t know how to have patience with any of it. I want things to work like they’re supposed, but I don’t even know how to work like I’m supposed to.

Kids are watching screens. I’m going to try to finish Virgil Wander before we attempt afternoon activities.

It’s totally normal to run laps around the outside of your house.

I finished it. This is the only goal I seem to have right now: read books and finish them. My daughter and I got ready to do her Girls on the Run lesson, or at least start it since by the time I finished the book it was almost 12:30. My son started academic time while the girl and I ran laps around the house answering questions about comfort zones and stretch zones. For the second part of it, she skated on the porch and I sat inside because I wanted to conserve some energy for my workout.

They both set up to do more academic time, and I set out to do my cardio intervals. It was a decent workout. Chilly with a tiny bit of rain droplets. I helped my son with his academics for a bit. After that, our daughter tuned in to her writing class. Son transitioned to screens. I made a snack and a pudding recipe for snacks upcoming in the meal plan. Then I started gathering things for dinner. We were grilling brats and having potato pancakes, the latter being a bit labor intensive. So, I washed dishes, peeled and shredded potatoes and listened to two Office Ladies podcasts. I kicked the kids off screens after 4 o’clock and waited to hear from Phil so we knew when to start the coals. I took a phone call from a woman from church. It was nice to hear her voice and have a short chat.

Our daughter readied the chimney with newspaper and emptied the ashes from previous grilling. Together, we lit the newspaper despite the wind and by the time Phil got home, the fire was roaring. We put away the vegetables Phil brought home and he put the brats on the grill before getting in the shower. I turned the brats a few times while our daughter found a recipe to dress up our peas for a vegetable side.

Altogether, dinner was pleasant. The peas turned out delicious. The brats were well-cooked. Potato pancakes are always a comfort food, especially when slathered with sour cream (or in our case, Greek yogurt). We watched another Bon Appetit episode about cooking tomatoes.

Never did I ever imagine this would be my new look.

Our governor asked everyone to wear masks when leaving the house now. This news depresses and saddens me. Our son wanted to take a walk with his RC car after dinner, and I told him that we had to find things to cover our faces, in case we couldn’t socially distance ourselves. He grabbed a scarf. I put on my running Buff. We took a short walk. Because it’s cool we didn’t encounter many people.

The sky looked especially blue to me, and I wondered if all of this staying at home was actually healing our planet. Fewer cars. Less air travel. I don’t like the correlation that suffering can lead to good things, but I have to believe that not everything is all bad.

Now we’re killing time before bedtime. There’s a vehicle incident of some kind on the highway near our house and we can hear a dozen sirens. We’ve become those neighbors up in everybody’s business without actually leaving our house.

I took a shower while the kids dug into the brownies and tried not to annoy each other for the remaining hour before bedtime. The rest of that time was kind of a blur. We settled the kids in bed. With Phil’s adjusted schedule, he doesn’t have to go to bed as early on Fridays. Now I’m finishing Bridget Jones’ Diary because I got too tired last night to watch it all.

I’m sure I’ll be in bed earlier tonight after the restless night last night. As Bridget would say, “I’m off to bedfordshire.”

The Distancing Diaries: Days 16, 17 & 18

April 1, 2020

Day 16: These days just keep going. We got up and made breakfast and worked our way through our church’s Worship At Home guide, listening to some songs, reading a Psalm and watching the sermon.

A sign outside a church near where I run: May we pray for you?

After the sermon, I got ready for a run while Phil and the kids got ready for their at-home workout. I ran, finally completing 2 miles in 25 minutes. It was overcast and cool. I overdressed, but I was pleased with my performance. I only saw a couple of people out walking their dogs. The kids and Phil were just finishing a workout when I got home. I stretched, ate a snack, drank a bunch of water and got ready for a shower.

At 10:45, we tuned in to our sermon discussion class. We had a lot to talk about. I was pretty sure I saw a mouse run through the background in the church sanctuary during the sermon. After we presented that news, it was a lively discussion about the next chapter of Acts.

A quickish lunch and then we had a scheduled video call with Phil’s brother and family–the niece/cousin we video called last week. We had a nice long chat/visit. It makes the distance and the days seem less distance-y.

We talked about dinner plans after the call and sort of came up with an idea. Then I took one look at the state of the kitchen and decided to do dishes. Our Sunday rhythm is generally different than our other days, even when we aren’t living through a pandemic, so the dishes had piled up for almost two full days. Fortunately, it didn’t take too long for me to wash them all. The kids played outside a bit and one tried to rest. Why is it that I start to drag at about 4 o’clock every day? I worked on a blog post for the past few days of journaling while Phil went for a run.

It’ll be dinner prep when he gets back and our plan is to watch LegoMasters tonight since we totally forgot about it last night while watching Jumanji.

We made a homemade pizza with a no-yeast crust. I found a packet of yeast in the pantry, but it expired in 2017 so I figured it probably wouldn’t have worked. The crust recipe Phil found worked great, though. We topped the pizza with slices of American cheese, chopped pork, sliced red onion, frozen broccoli and an orange ginger sauce. Phil made a spicy aioli to top it all off, and it was delicious. We’re learning again to flex our creative cooking muscles so we can use up what we have without running to the store all the time.

While we ate, we video called my parents just to check in. We don’t always have a lot to report, but it’s always good to see faces and hear voices and find out what isolation is like in other parts of the country. We watched LegoMasters, then we reviewed the kids’ emails from their teachers about the online learning opportunities that start this week. Trying to get back to a schedule of some kind starting tomorrow. We talked on the phone to our friend, David. He lives alone and is having trouble with this coronavirus isolation. It has thrown off his schedule, and we can’t invite him over for meals or anything.

Phil and I watched a couple of episodes of The Office after the kids went to bed, then it was off to bed for us, too.

Day 17: The days are starting to blend, but at least today begins something new. Online learning opportunities for the kids in our district. I’m going to be honest and say that I’m kind of bummed about this as it relates to my job. I’m not getting paid by my employer, and I have no access to any online learning tools my students use, so there’s nothing I can do to help or participate in this. And it sucks. I give a lot of my time, energy, and self to my students. I miss them and I want to be involved in their learning. I worry about them. Most of them have IEPs and I’m afraid they’re going to fall behind further. I worry that I won’t get to say good-bye before they go to high school because we won’t go back to school.

My own children will benefit, I guess, from my lack of contact with my students. I can try to help them. But their learning is not my specialty. I wonder, too, what will happen with the sixth-graders this year. They usually get to visit the middle school and get clapped out of their elementary school before moving on to seventh-grade. There’s no one to blame if these things don’t happen, but man, the milestones and missing things.

Breakfast and reading and screens before starting “school.” The kids already had academic time built into their self-made schedule at 8 a.m. So, at the appointed hour, after getting dressed, we sat down and looked at their options for the day. My son needed a little more help than my daughter, but eventually they were ready. I helped Phil take the garbage out, wrote out a check for rent, and took a stack of letters to the mailbox. One of the assignments my son wanted to do was a math game with a deck of cards, so I played that with him. My daughter did some math problems her teacher had assigned.

My doctor’s office called and we agreed to cancel my appointment for next Monday, and they would call me when they have my medicine. I’m hoping the paperwork I sent in will take care of the last hurdle and that the pharmacy can send the medication no problem.

At 9, I needed to wash dishes. The kids looked at their P.E. “assignment” and went outside, but we had two incidents with a jump rope within a few minutes, and I was ready to give up this whole home-schooling idea. They worked it out. I finished the dishes and started making a baked oatmeal recipe that’s part of my fitness program’s meal plan. Then it was time to get the kids set up on Zoom calls. Our son’s was smooth sailing because he’s been doing this for a week now. Our daughter had trouble logging in to her class’s, and I started to get frustrated. Phil did his workout in the living room, and I gave up on the Zoom meeting to finish making the baked oatmeal. I also realized I hadn’t eaten anything in few hours since breakfast, so I had a snack, which helped with my mood. I know we’re all new to this distance/online learning thing, but I like it when technology works.

We made lunch. And I decided after lunch that it was nice enough to go outside and work in the garden. I got ready about 11:30 and invited the kids to join me when it was chore time at noon.

Before and after. There’s still a lot of work to do.

The dead plants and grasses came up pretty easily because of all the rain over the weekend. Still it was hard work. Whether it was the sunshine or just working the land, my mood started to improve. The kids came out and together we cleared a good bit of the garden. It’s nowhere near ready to plant, but it looks like we’re preparing for something. A neighbor passed by with her two kids. We often see them out walking or riding bikes. We talked for a while about gardens and our lack of work. It was a short visit but these days especially it’s always nice to connect with other humans in person.

We gave up after about an hour. We didn’t quite make it down to dirt, but there’s progress.

I changed into workout clothes and the kids did some more academic time. They watched a video about germs together and then separated. Our son did some learning about clouds and completed a math problem. Our daughter watched one of her teachers do some baking and then had the assignment to write her own script for a recipe. She’s still working on it. Her writing class hosted by my writer friend was after that. I texted with a teacher friend and she’s going to drop off some goodies for our garden. This is the hope of spring.

I did my workout, which was a ladder interval: 5 minutes, then 4, 3, 2, and 1 at different intensities. I really enjoyed it. I ran/walked almost 2 miles doing the intervals.

Now it’s screens and some dinner prep. I just learned that our schools are closed indefinitely. I have so many feelings. Also, my husband’s work is going to try to get him 40 hours every week even though the market is closed one day of the week, and even if he doesn’t get 40 hours, they are going to pay him for 40 hours. What a blessing.

I made dinner while our son did some more science. Our daughter received the school news not well so the late afternoon has been a little emotional. We watched some episodes of a YouTube series from Bon Appetit where a guy cooks stuff a bunch of different ways. The kids and Phil had started a pizza episode at lunch so we finished that. Now they’re laughing/shrieking at a steak episode.

I took a shower as Phil got ready for bed. The kids started to fight a little bit. Our son wanted to watch YouTube while folding his laundry but I said no because we’ve had a lot of screens today. He did manage to fold the entire basket. I promised them we could play a game if we could have about 20 minutes of down time. They were on their devices at that point, but I’m picking my battles.

I finished a book and then asked them to pick a game we could play in the last hour before bedtime. They picked a states and capitals bingo game, which took less brain power than I thought it would. We had a good time and they both went to bed in a better mood. I know they want to spend time with me, or want me to spend time with them, but these days are draining on my energy. I’ll try a better balance tomorrow.

They went to bed. I grabbed a snack, put on the latest episode of Outlander and did my nails. (Color Street strips on the toes and the fingers.) I do have my moments of just wanting to give up, but taking care of myself in small ways helps my mental health. I’m wearing bras (sorry if that’s TMI), shaving my legs, brushing my teeth, wearing deodorant, and combing my hair. Maybe I’ll put on some lipstick one of these days just for fun. I’m worth it even if I don’t leave the house. This is what I have to remind myself of.

Now, I’m going to pick a book from the library digital collection and head to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

Day 18: Hey, it’s another day! And it’s 4 o’clock before I’m journaling anything about it. I’m growing tired of the monotony. And we had kind of a rough morning.

Everyone was awake before 6. I mentioned this to the children, who sassily told me they just needed to pee, but then I’m pretty sure they headed to the living room for screens. I scrolled my phone and listened to Pray As You Go and one session of Pray As You Stay because I just need the calm, spiritual voices to lead me right now. There’s a lot of other noise in my head that only makes me anxious.

When I did pull myself out of bed, it was past the time that I had planned to get up. I made coffee and checked in on Facebook. (I don’t have that on my phone or else I would probably spend longer in bed in the morning.) My first unemployment payment deposited this morning, so I also paid some bills. I ate breakfast and encouraged the kids to get some breakfast around 7 since our family’s educational check-in starts at 8 a.m. In that hour, I worked on the book I’ve been wanting to upload for Kindle. I went on a search for the photo I used for the cover so I could give the proper credit to the photographer and added some pages with information about me and the book. When everything was to my liking, I pressed the “publish” button as my heart rate sped up. It’s not really about the income. There won’t be much from this. It’s about the experience of offering something I wrote for sale.

At 8, we looked over the educational offerings for the day. Our daughter had a Zoom meeting schedule for 9:30, and she had some math to figure out before then. And our son picked a science review game. I worked on dishes while listening to Office Ladies. I checked in with the kids after about 30 minutes. Our daughter needed some help with fractions, which I provided. Then she needed me to print something, but it wouldn’t show up when I hit the print button, so I just made her a quick hand-drawn version. It’s an 8-square puzzle with numbers on it that you have to fold and put in order. She and I both tried several times and grew frustrated. So, I did what you’re probably not supposed to do and went to the Internet where I watched a video that explained each step. We watched it together and re-created the folds to get the answer. My daughter was supposed to then submit a FlipGrid explaining how she did it. I told her to be honest about trying it a couple of times and then watching a video about how to do it.

By the time 9:30 came, we had some more frustrating moments with Zoom that led to our daughter needing to call her teacher. None of us could figure it out and I composed a Tweet expressing my frustration. To which my brother, the tech-ed expert, replied, “How can I help?” As I was explaining the situation to him, I realized what the problem might be. We solved it and my daughter was able to get in on her Zoom call. Then it was time to get my son set up on his. Zoom meeting manager/assistant is a new skill I’m adding to my resume, in case I should need it when all this is over.

Once the kids were settled in to their meetings, I took some laundry to the bedroom to fold while listening to more Office Ladies. The calls ended before 11 and the kids were in the kitchen trying to gather some lunch. Everything was hard for us this morning. In each other’s spaces and pushing each other’s buttons. I yelled. Our daughter cried. Our son feigned innocence. It’s all part of the norm right now. We managed to get our lunches and I said we could watch The Price is Right but no other screens. So, we tuned in. Toward the end of the episode, our daughter went to the kitchen for Thin Mints (we are already dangerously low) and our son followed. I knew nothing good would come of that because he had no reason to be in the kitchen. I grabbed the rest of his lunch and went to the kitchen. I slammed the bowl on the counter, which splashed salsa on my sweatshirt (that I had just washed yesterday) which added to my anger. I was yelling so much that I was actually spitting. It’s not an easy confession. I told my son to go to his room and stay there for 15 minutes at least. I cleaned up my mess and watched the rest of the game show with my daughter after delivering all the stuffed animals to my son’s bed.

I had calmed down when the game show was over so I asked my daughter to transfer her laundry to the dryer and take a shower. We are so unscheduled for bathing right now. I went in to the kids’ room and curled up next to my son and told him I was sorry and explained why I had been upset. I asked him what else I could do to help with this situation. He shrugged and then later said the only thing he thought of is something we can’t have: a cat. He then soothed himself by shopping for stuffed animals online. (The kid already has a collection.) He did also throw a fit about wanting to take a bath and not being able to now that his sister was in the shower.

It was noon and I was ready for the day to be over.

She finished her shower and quite honestly, I’m not sure what happened after that. I did draw a bath for my son. And at some point I changed into workout clothes. Oh, I think I watched the videos for today’s workout because some of it was new. It was 1 o’clock by the time I was ready to work out. The kids found more educational(ish) things to do while I worked out. I was kind of on a tight deadline for my daughter’s writing class at 2. And the weather was chilly and rainy, so I didn’t want to be outside for long. I don’t feel like I put in a great workout today, but I did the bare minimum. Sometimes that’s all I can do.

Daughter got set up for her class. I snacked and listened to Office Ladies while cooling down from my workout. Then I asked my son if he wanted to play video games together. Sometimes the social interaction from me is what is needed, even when I don’t feel like I have a lot to give. We played the London 2012 Olympics game, and I’m terrible at most of it, but as long as I go in knowing that, it’s usually okay.

At some point in the afternoon, my book went live on Amazon so I shared some things about that and tried to forget about it.

I needed a dinner plan, so I did some quick thinking and came up with a favorite pantry-stretcher: oatmeal soup. It’s in the Fannie Farmer cookbook and it’s perfect for a chilly, rainy, overcast day. It tastes like chicken soup, kind of. I washed some more dishes and started prepping that. Then I sat and read for a few minutes. The book I picked from the library collection is Virgil Wander by Leif Enger. I’ve heard a lot of good things about it and I like Enger’s writing style. It’s definitely compelling so far.

Things have been quieter this afternoon. The kids are doing games and screens. Phil should be home soon.

Worked on and finished dinner. We watched another episode of the Bon Appetit web series, this time about all the ways to cook a potato. After that, I wanted to take a walk. Our son decided to go with and take his RC car.

We did a loop around the neighborhood. It was chilly but the rain had stopped and the fresh air was good. It’s still weird trying to avoid people while we’re out, though. We often adjust our route based on where other people are and are headed. I’ve been training for that my whole life. I’m really good at avoiding other humans.

This time after dinner and before bedtime is one of the hardest right now. My energy sags and I just want to be done being responsible for anyone except myself. This is not a new feeling; it’s just stronger during these days when we’re home all day with nowhere to go. Phil took a nap. I read a book. Our son played on his tablet. Our daughter did some school work then cleaned her dresser in her room. When the kids had settled in bed, Phil and I settled in for three episodes of The Office. I don’t always want to be watching The Office, but comedy is easiest right now.

The Distancing Diaries: Days 13, 14 & 15

March 30, 2020

Three more days in the life of our socially distant family. I feel like the days are starting to sound/seem the same. Let me know how your days are going in the comments.

Day 13: I set the alarm and actually got out of bed. I wanted to post a blog from the first part of the week, so that’s what I did. The health worries have me a little bit stressed out, so I spent a good portion of the morning testing my breathing and taking my temperature and trying not to freak out. It’s spring now and the allergies are also happening.

After breakfast, I jumped right into washing dishes, cleaning up from yesterday’s baking adventure so our daughter could finish the baking project today. I listened to more of the Office Ladies podcast. It’s fun and distracting. I went to work on the puzzle while the kids and Phil got ready to work out. I completed some steps on a writing project I’ve been wanting to spend time on, making good progress.

At 10, our church hosted another Zoom meeting to encourage each other. We tuned in for that, and it was encouraging. When we finished that, it was time for lunch. We all gathered our lunch. The mail arrived, which meant my stamps were delivered. I’ll be writing some more letters and cards soon. The kids and Phil watched an episode of America’s Test Kitchen. I worked on the puzzle. When Phil left for work, the kids watched YouTube. I put on another podcast episode and made progress on the puzzle. We’re going to head toward chore time next. Our daughter has to finish the baking project. I’m not yet sure what my son and I will do.

We all hung out in the kitchen. I made guacamole and homemade tortilla chips, which we ate all of during snack time later. Stress eating and stress cooking/baking go together. When our daughter finished the macarons, we all went outside for some fresh air. The anxiety is high today and I feel it in my chest, which also has me worrying about COVID-19. Sitting outside and reading was a nice respite. Then it was time for my daughter’s writing class. I worked on the puzzle while my son hovered nearby eating the chips and guacamole and some salsa for good measure.

After the writing class, the kids transitioned back to screen time. I watched the daily news briefing from the governor and health secretary in our state. I await the day when the number of new cases holds steady or goes down. We’re not there yet. I turned the news off after getting the basic info and kept working on the puzzle while finishing an Office Ladies podcast. I think I’m going to have to go outside again before dinner just to clear my head. I’ll see what the kids want to do when screen time is over.

They went outside for a bit but that broke down pretty quickly. So, my daughter and I decided to take a walk when Phil got home. We didn’t go far, but the sun was shining and the movement was good for us. I got an early start on dinner when we got back but delayed it for half an hour so we wouldn’t be eating at a ridiculously early time. (Even though we eat fairly early most of the time.) We made the vegetable list for the week since Phil won’t be working on Saturday, and I resumed dinner prep. We offered the kids the choice of evening viewing entertainment. They’re having a hard time deciding together on movies, so they each chose an episode of something–it was Supermarket Sweep and Mr. Bean again, but both are enjoyable.

After dinner, I wrote two more cards and took a total of six out to the mailbox for tomorrow’s mail service. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow and I have a hard time leaving the house too early, so I thought taking them out tonight would be best. On the way to the mailbox, our neighbor whom I haven’t seen out in a while came out to say “hi” and let me know that she had had surgery before all this COVID-19 stuff happened. It was nice to chat. (And yes, we stayed an appropriate distance apart.)

The kids played outside for a while. I tried to sit outside and read but it was just a tad too chilly, so I sat inside. The kids came in and wanted to play a game. I had less than 50 pages left in my book, but I want to engage with the kids when I can. They picked Apples to Apples but our son insisted that his stuffed animals play as well, as a team. It was … interesting. We had to modify the rules of play a bit, and the game didn’t end well. I asked our son to put the stuffed animals to bed and he could stay up a little later. Our daughter did some coloring. I finished my book. Our son played with his Hot Wheels.

Now, they’re in bed and I’m watching Miss Fisher and Crypt of Tears. Years ago, I binge-watched every episode of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries. I’ve read a few of the books, too. The movie came out earlier this year and it’s available on Acorn TV, which I’m trying free for a month.

Day 14: Two weeks. Two weeks ago, I got up as usual and went to work as usual, not knowing that it would be goodbye, so long, see ya later to my students and co-workers. Two weeks. It has both flown and dragged. It has me thinking about refugees. How some of the people I met when I was volunteering with CWS experienced this kind of trauma and stress for DECADES. Twenty YEARS not days. Can you fathom what that will do to a person’s mind, soul, spirit, body? I cannot. This two weeks has already wreaked havoc on my brain. Sometimes I can’t concentrate or motivate myself to care about anything. I read something yesterday about how when you feel exhausted even though you’re doing less, that’s a trauma response because your body can’t fight or flee this disaster, so it’s shutting down. “Sleep mode,” the author called it. I feel it. Strongly.

I woke at 6 today. I slept pretty well. The movie was everything I loved about the Miss Fisher mysteries series. I listened to Pray As You Go for the day and noticed that they have a new prayer series called Pray As You Stay. I’ll be checking that out later today. I made breakfast and watched a video from my fitness program’s trainer. I’m starting a new cycle of workouts today, so I want to be sure I’m ready. The kids are breakfast-ing and YouTube-ing. We have some video meetings today, which will break up our day well.

I washed dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. The trash needed taking out, as well as some recycling. I listened to Office Ladies and when the dishes were done–I’m finding an odd satisfaction of having them all or mostly done by 9 a.m. every day–I folded 3 loads of laundry and started another load in the wash. The kids were on screens until after 9. They got dressed and prepared for some outside time. It’s already 50 degrees at 9 a.m. and it’s not as rainy as I thought it might be. Just before we were headed outside, a friend stopped by with a small craft/gift for the kids. She waved from the porch, where she left the bags, and we waved at the kids in the van. Social distancing doesn’t have to be anti-social; it just has to be different. The kids played outside and I started my first workout session of a new cycle, all focused on cardio. I ran 2-minute intervals at varying intensities and it was harder than I thought it was going to be. But I’m excited to be working on my breathing and cardiovascular system. Even though I run regularly, I can improve. I did take some body measurements this morning to see how things have progressed in the past three weeks. I’m pleased with what I’m seeing. (Also, our scale isn’t working, which might be a blessing in these days of snacking and dessert.)

The kids are playing video games. Our daughter left the game to take a shower. The FedEx truck showed up with a package from the grandparents, who were supposed to be visiting us this week. We all washed our hands after opening the package and its contents. We grabbed some lunch (it’s totally fend for yourselves around here during the day), then we logged in to our son’s class meeting on Zoom for a game of Scattergories. His teacher gave us an update on what the next few weeks are going to look like for online education, as well. After that meeting, I took a quick shower before setting the kids up for another Zoom meeting, this time with their band teacher. We had to leave that meeting early so our daughter could tune in to her final day of writing class. My son and I went outside for a bit. I read while he played basketball and used his RC car, a Christmas present that’s been living in Illinois for a few months.

We came back inside for screen time, and I listened to the latest state update. Our county is now under a stay-at-home order, which really isn’t all that different than what we’ve been doing anyway. Now, it’s just official and I hope people who aren’t taking the restrictions seriously will do so. I’m eager for life to return to some kind of normal, even if it doesn’t look like what it once was.

Now I’m listening to Office Ladies and working on the puzzle. Getting closer still.

I made dinner as soon as I knew Phil was on his way home. The kids grabbed their food while I talked to Phil as he showered. We ate and watched episodes of old game shows–Press Your Luck and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?–plus another episode Mr. Bean. “I need my comedy,” our son said. I get it.

After the shows, the kids went outside for a little while. It’s lighter later and it’s supposed to rain all weekend, so I’m grateful they could take more time outside. Then it was a bath and bedtime.

I counted the number of remaining puzzle pieces. My guess was around 100. There are 119. I listened to another Office Ladies podcast while trying to whittle that number down. By 9:40, it was time to give up and go to sleep. I probably could have gone to bed earlier.

Day 15: I was restless between 4:30 a.m., when Phil got up to go in to paint the produce stand, and 6:30 a.m., when my body decided I could finally get out of bed. I have coffee left over from yesterday’s afternoon pot, so warmed-up coffee first thing before I have to make any is good. Sometimes.

I finished the puzzle after breakfast. I’ve never been so relieved to have the table back as a functional piece of household furniture. Although it won’t be long, I’m sure, until we use it for a board game or break open another puzzle. We have plenty to choose from. I celebrated my puzzle win by washing the dishes and folding another basket of laundry. Around 9 a.m., our son played video games while daughter and I did her second Girls on the Run at-home lesson. It included some minute-to-win-in type of games, which were fun. We didn’t do everything in the lesson, but we did talk about stress relief and things we can try to deal with stress. Timely.

I did my workout after that. Another cardio interval day, and it was pouring rain, so I stayed in. I tried shadow boxing which is oddly satisfying. It’s low-impact, so I don’t feel like I worked as hard as I do other times, but maybe that’s okay? I’m still trying to figure out intensity levels and what’s appropriate for my body.

After that, it was lunch time. Both kids wanted smoothies with their lunch, so I grudgingly made them and sent them on their way with other lunch items they had scrounged from the fridge. I made my lunch and listened to another Office Ladies episode while working through my meal plan for the next month. Getting the new meal plan for the month has been exciting in the past, but it’s kind of depressing right now because Phil and I agreed that we need to try to run our groceries down to almost nothing before we head out to the store again. So, I’ve modified some of the recipes to fit what we have in the house, and he can get some things from his work on Monday or Tuesday. I think it’ll be okay. It WILL be okay.

Phil got home from work not long after that. I had popped out in the rain to get the mail. The paperwork from my doctor’s office was there, so I made copies and put my paperwork with it in an envelope ready to mail on Monday. I don’t think I’ll get the approval in time to keep my appointment the following Monday, but we’ll see. My unemployment paperwork also came in the mail. I can definitely collect some unemployment, so that’s a relief. It won’t be the same as working, of course, but to have some income in the coming weeks will be helpful.

We decided as a family we all needed some nap/down time. At 12:45 p.m. I declared that I would not be speaking to anyone for an hour. I grabbed my Kindle, started a new book and went to bed. I napped for I don’t know how long. Maybe 30 minutes, which is a good nap for me. I almost never nap. The house was still quiet, so I read some more, checked in with some friends and family via text, and scrolled the socials.

Decided it was time for an afternoon snack–a smoothie for me–and some early dinner prep in the form of microwave thawing of meat. Phil and at least one of the kids, maybe both, are going to work out in a few minutes.

I cleared out some emails while listening to Office Ladies. I’m a notorious email hoarder and my Gmail account constantly reminds me that I’m running out of storage space. I have no illusions that I’ll ever be zeroed out, but it is good to get rid of clutter, even digitally. I went for a walk before dinner because I thought it had stopped raining. It was misting, but it still felt good to get out and breathe fresh air.

Made dinner. We ate it. The kids chose the old Jumanji from our DVD collection to watch. Hey, that’s a weird movie. Both of them were freaked out by it, but now I’m curious about the new Jumanji movies. I did cross-stitch for most of it. As much progress as I make during one sitting of a movie or show, there’s still a ways to go.

We played a game called On the Dot which is billed as a brain teaser game. You definitely need some spatial skills.You have to re-create a pattern of dots. I was terrible at it our first round but I got better. Our son was frustrated because it was his game and he didn’t do very well. But I think he’ll enjoy it more if he practices. It’s the kind of game you can play on your own, too.

It started to thunderstorm as the kids were going to bed. We had some difficulties getting to sleep, but eventually they calmed down, as did the storm. Phil and I watched Brooklyn-99 and then I went to bed to read and sleep.

The Distancing Diaries: Days 10, 11 and 12

March 26, 2020

Day 10: I thought we were going to have a rough day because of the rough start, but here it is 4 p.m. and dinner is in the works, and I’m just now sitting down to chronicle our day. I think that means it was okay.

Phil and I didn’t get out of bed until almost 7:30, a practice I’m going to regret when life gets back to normal. The kids had already had breakfast, and I set out to make mine. By the time I was sitting down to breakfast, our son was bored. It was 8 o’clock. We told him “no” on screens so he spent almost 40 minutes whining about not having anything to do, even though we offered many solutions. After I’d finished breakfast, I got dressed, helped get the garbage out and started on dishes. Meanwhile, our son was beginning to wreak havoc on his sister. He eventually was taken to his room where he curled up in his bed/fort. I could hear the panic in his voice and I knew this was not just about boredom this morning. All of us are showing our emotions in different ways. This was his turn.

I asked permission to enter the bed/fort and curled up next to him. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he couldn’t explain it so we played a little game of 20 questions as I tried to draw it out of him. Eventually, we landed on that he is also missing his friends–understandable–and would like to video call his one best friend. I promised to send a text seeing to that arrangement. He was back to his normal self almost immediately.

Our daughter got dressed for the day and I noticed she was wearing workout style clothes. I asked if she was going to work out with her dad and she said, “maybe” and then she did. They worked out together while our son and I went about our business–Hot Wheels cars and a jigsaw puzzle, respectively. At 10, we video called with my parents for about 40 minutes or so. Then it was time for my husband to get ready for work. There was some discord over the Tiny Desk Concert choice for lunchtime viewing, later resolved by changing the channel to The Price is Right which was not interrupted for a press briefing today.

I started my workout at noon while the kids cleaned out their dresser drawers of clothes that didn’t fit anymore. Their Nana offered to pay them for cleaning their room if I could produce evidence that they’d done it. I have a couple of bags of clothing so far to submit as exhibit A. My workout was so-so. My quad was hurting a little bit. I think I need to stretch it better and rest it more, so I modified my workout just to get through.

The audience for my workout: my son’s “gang” of friends

Then it was time to make a snack and get my daughter set up for a writing class call with a friend who is offering short video sessions for kids this week on the craft of writing. She loved it. I went out to get the mail and read a letter from one of my best friends who lives in Arizona. I cherish the written word these days. My son and I folded his laundry and then tuned in to our state’s press briefing about the coronavirus latest. We learned that school will be out for two more weeks. Sigh.

Husband came home from work. Kids watched screens. I took a shower and started dinner. It’s been raining all day and the temperature dropped into the 40s, so we haven’t been outside all day. I think we’ll try to remedy that tomorrow.

Now, they’re practicing band but there’s been a lot of screeching and shouting, so I’m not sure how much practicing is actually happening. We’re putting more Zoom calls on the calendar while also canceling more plans. The doctor’s office called today to cancel an appointment for next week and reschedule it for May. I’m grateful we don’t have to go out.

Dinner was ready early and with my husband’s adjusted schedule, we had time to watch a movie as a family. We picked Night at the Museum, which the kids alternated between loving and hating. But it was a fun distraction, and I made some good progress on my current cross-stitch project. More bathing, then off to bed. I stayed up to watch the latest Outlander episode and do more cross-stitch. (And eat more snacks, let’s be honest.)

It was as good a day as could be expected, I guess.

Day 11: How can it be day 11 already? I’m grateful that I started this practice because the days are both dragging and blurring. Today, we were all up before the sun. I didn’t sleep well again, and I had set my alarm for 6:15 (an ambition to get back into a routine) but I was up before the alarm went off. I listened to Pray As You Go after scrolling social media for just a few minutes. I don’t know why I feel the need to check in on the world before I even get out of bed. Is it not enough to be alive and awake for another day?

I made coffee (always) and started the process for my breakfast, checked in on the kids who soon made their way to the kitchen for breakfast. There was a short argument about screens which was soon resolved. They opted to watch YouTube or play Minecraft with their breakfast. I sat in the kitchen and read a book while I ate. With all this togetherness, I’m re-learning how to use the space in our house. Even though I consider our dwelling small, we don’t all have to be on top of each other all the time.

After breakfast, I tackled the dishes, just to get them done and out of the way. A positive of this confinement is being able to keep up with the dishes daily. I like a clean kitchen. It makes me want to use it more when the counters aren’t covered with dirty dishes or drying dishes. (We do not have a dishwasher. Sigh.) I watched a couple of episodes of Grace and Frankie while washing. The liberal use of crude language on the show is a comfort to me. Weird, I know. Sometimes I want to swear like a drunken sailor but I’m inhibited by so much of my past that I can’t do it without feeling guilty. There’s your honest confession for the day.

The kids transitioned to academics. Our daughter worked on her assignment for writing class, which just makes my heart swell to 10 times its size. Our son got out his math journal which he only remembered he had yesterday. We worked on a couple of fraction problems that a) made me think of all my students at school and how much I miss them and b) stumped my brain a little bit. Our daughter stepped in to help some and together we figured it out.

I printed some materials I need for my nutrition and training program in the coming weeks. Then, I sucked it up and paid bills. I get a weird thrill out of paying bills because I like to check things off lists and knowing I’m up to date on payments pumps my ego in a way. I read a lot of stuff yesterday about asking for deferments on payments and contacting creditors about income changes. We may do some of that because everything is uncertain right now, but the thought of deferring payments feels like digging a bigger hole than we’re already in, even though I know none of this is our fault. Before we make any quick decisions about deferrals, I want to give my husband’s employer time to consider whether they can make up his lost hours. And who knows how long it will be before I hear from the unemployment office. It’s not now that we’re in financial difficulties, anyway. It’ll be mid-April and beyond when my paychecks stop coming. This is what keeps me up at night.

Now the kids are playing outside and I’m going to attempt some writing that isn’t journaling. I’m grateful for this practice. I’ve written for 10 days in a row, which is something I’d gotten out of the habit of. It feels good to flex these muscles again.

I took about an hour to work on a client project. I don’t feel “in the groove” which is hard to explain but at least I was doing something. The kids watched Let’s Make A Deal followed by The Price is Right because it’s a mash-up week. I ate lunch and worked on the puzzle. It’s slowly but surely coming along and is seriously one of the hardest puzzles I’ve ever attempted to complete. Then I got my workout clothes on to complete my daily program. The kids divvied up chores–our son vacuumed the living room; our daughter worked on cleaning out her dresser drawers. Our son ended up there, too, when he was finished vacuuming.

The kids’ teachers had sent a variety of videos, so we watched those. The gym teacher issued a tripod/headstand challenge. The music teacher played a happy song which her baby daughter danced to in the background. It was wholesome and uplifting. Their principal sent a message of encouragement. And their band teacher started a vlog. By the time we finished those, it was time for my daughter’s writing class. My son did some math games on the computer and I wrote a few letters. I’m waiting on an order of stamps to arrive later in the week, but that’s no reason I can’t write the cards ahead of time.

After my daughter’s writing class, my son’s class was getting together via Zoom. They hung out for almost an hour, and it was fun to just see my son’s face light up as his friends joined in and they all updated each other on what they’ve been doing.

The kids lobbied for more screen time after that, and I relented. I worked at the puzzle a little more and started gathering the dinner fixings. I checked my phone and had a missed call from the pharmacy that’s handling my injection medication, so I called back trying to get that sorted out, just in case I can keep my appointment in early April. That was a frustrating process that made me anxious. The pharmacy doesn’t seem to have the same information about copay assistance that I gave them in December, so they asked me to call the drug manufacturer to clear that up. I did that and got transferred twice before the system kicked me back to the main recording. I hung up because I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I’ll try again tomorrow. But this is a heck of a time to need medical assistance for something other than COVID-19.

Phil got home not long after I hung up, and I said I needed to take a walk. We talked through the dinner prep, and after a bit of downloading to each other about our day, the kids and I headed out for a short walk. The sun is shining and temps are in the 50s. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain and be colder, so getting outside felt like the right thing to do. Plus my body needs to move sometimes when it’s anxious.

Our son ran on ahead and then sat down to wait for us.

It was a short walk. We did encounter some people and attempted to put six feet of distance between us and them. Back at home, I got started on dinner, which only involved broiling a filleted turkey breast and assembling a salad. For a while, we were in the habit of having salads on Tuesdays. It’s harder in the winter, but it was such a refreshing meal, even without the freshest ingredients. Salad night is best in the summer and fall. Sometimes we just need a reminder, though, that better days are coming. I hope better days are coming. It’s hard to put too much hope in the future when the numbers climb every day and the restrictions become more strict.

We ate our salads while watching an episode of Mr. Bean, which our son thinks is hilarious. He’s a physical comedy kind of guy. He also like The Three Stooges. Have I mentioned he’s 10? The kids were promised an episode of Supermarket Sweep after they practice band. They both practiced their instrument, then we watched what we promised. We turned the TV off and I offered the kids to help me with the puzzle so we can get our dining table back and have it available to play games. Our son wanted to listen to music but I was in the mood for quiet. So, he put earbuds in but he had to leave the table because he was singing out loud while eating an apple and it was possibly the most annoying thing he could have been doing at the time. I made good progress on the puzzle while my daughter sat nearby looking through her portfolio of school mementos from years gone by.

Bedtime arrived without much incident. Phil and I watched couple of episodes of The Office. Lighthearted entertainment is the medicine right now.

Day 12: Morning, again. A restless night again. I have moments of deep sleep but they are peppered with wakefulness and anxieties. Today, specifically I worry about the phone calls I need to make about the medication. Phil had brought home some scones from one of his fellow market stands last night, so that was breakfast. I did listen to Pray As You Go before getting out of bed. Because it’s on my phone, I end up checking notifications, too. Prince Charles has COVID-19. Our tax return, which is not a lot but is still something, was deposited in our bank account.

For another day of social distancing, we have a lot planned today. We’ll see how it all turns out.

I went for a run after breakfast, mostly to get it done and over with but partly because it’s supposed to rain later. It was chilly but pleasant running conditions. I did just under 2 miles in 25 minutes. I’m trying to break that 2-mile mark but it’s not easy right now. I felt good when I got home. The kids were playing outside. Phil took the car to get an oil change, and I decided to leverage my endorphins to call about my medication.

The drug manufacturer was not terribly helpful but the woman I spoke with at the pharmacy dug into this like it was a mystery to be solved. After about 30 minutes of investigating, this is what she came up with: Turns out the drug was less expensive last year because I’d had a super expensive surgery that took care of my out-of-pocket expenses. There is not much else I can do. I have another phone number for a patient assistance program but I’m done with phone calls today. I did call my physician’s office to leave a message for the nurses that I can’t afford the medication and may not be able to keep that appointment in April. I mean, this is not a life-saving medication, but WHAT IF IT WAS? What a hellish nightmare to have to go through to get approved medicines. I may give it another go tomorrow, but for now, I’m like, whatever.

I talked briefly to a nurse at my doctor’s office and she was encouraging, so I printed out the application for assistance from the drug company. Then I took a shower while the rest of the family did the Orange Theory at-home workout for the day.

After my shower, I was motivated to keep trying to get this medication thing figured out, so I filled out my part of the application and put a call in to the nurse I talked to earlier. I need to know how best to get the paperwork to them. I’m all set with my part of the application and feeling a bit more hopeful than I was just an hour or so ago.

The fam is still working out. I did some laundry. It’s going to be lunch soon. One of our daughter’s former teachers is doing a live baking demo on YouTube. He’s making macrons today, but I don’t think we’re going to make the live demo. She’ll watch it later and make the tasty treats.

Played phone tag with the nurse but the application is in process. I’m hoping to have it finished and in the mail by the end of the week at the latest. During lunch, we watched a Tiny Desk concert from Jimmy Eat World, who sing my all-time favorite song “The Middle.” They performed it on the Tiny Desk concert, and I’m wondering if I should add that to my social distancing challenge: try to play it on the guitar. The fam watched another Tiny Desk concert from a guy called Dan Tepfer who was like part artist part mathematician. He wrote a computer program to accompany his music–that’s about the best I can describe it.

My daughter and I worked through her Girls on the Run at-home lesson while the boys started a FIFA tournament on the Wii. Then our daughter had her writing class, and I worked on washing dishes while starting the Office Ladies podcast, which recaps episodes of The Office with two of the actors from the show.

Phil is working on dinner and the kids are watching screens. I listened to more of the podcast and worked on the puzzle. I’d hoped to finish it today but the last part is the hardest.

Our son was supposed to have a haircut at the barbershop today, but that’s obviously cancelled, so our kitchen became a barbershop as my husband buzzed our son’s hair down to a 1. (Before and after.)

At the same time, our daughter decided it was time to do the baking. She’s been working on macrons for about 40 minutes now, and I think there’s quite a bit more to do, but what else are we doing?

Dinner is in process. We’re all choosing something different to occupy our time right now.

We ate pork and sauerkraut for dinner with mashed potatoes and peas. Comfort food. The macrons did not go as well as we had hoped. I got frustrated and put myself in a time out to read and calm down. When everyone had finished dinner and while the macrons were drying before baking, we chose a game to play together as a family. The kids opted for a game rather than a movie, which I find interesting considering how much they love their screens. But when faced with the same choices daily, some variety is good.

The kids chose Scrabble, independent of me.

Our board started out a little dark, if you ask me.

Our son wanted to be on my team, so we played together versus my husband and daughter, who each played for themselves. I did have to help our daughter some and she ended up winning by one point. My son was a little upset, but overall we had fun.

It was 8:30 by the time the kids went to bed. We watched one episode of The Office before I had to give up and go to bed. Another day down.

The Distancing Diaries: Days 7, 8 and 9

March 23, 2020

This post is a little longer than the others because we had a lot of big feelings present themselves this weekend. Maybe you can relate.

Day 7: I stayed up till 10 last night watching the rest of season 1 of Jamestown. The other seasons are available at the library. I miss the library. I woke up at 5 a.m. unable to sleep so I read a little bit of the Poldark novel I’m currently on. Then I went back to sleep till almost 7. The world was cloaked in fog when I got up. It’s supposed to reach almost 80 degrees today.

I decided that I was going to plant the flowers early. I made my blueberry pancakes for breakfast and put a few pieces in the puzzle. Then I got dressed for yard work. I discovered a hole outside the house that leads into our basement. I have no idea how long it’s been there. I worked the ground in the flower beds, which was wet from the overnight rain. The dirt turned pretty easily. My daughter came out to help put me the flowers in. She has a good eye for arrangement. She placed the flowers and I dug the holes. We filled two beds in the front yard and part of a bed in the side yard. The flowers are already making me happy. Just a little pop of color in a world desperately in need of beauty.

I changed into workout clothes and had a snack, then did my daily workout. When I finished that, it was nearly lunchtime. I started some laundry, including the pillows on our bed, and our sheets. When you keep up with all the regular laundry, there’s time to do what feels like “extra” laundry.

We ate lunch and watched The Price is Right until the daily news conference from the President came on. It’s raining outside now, so I’m glad we got the flowers planted early. I get the feeling we’re not going to be away from our screens much again today. But we’ll try. It’s all we can do.

After lunch, I did some more laundry and took a shower and worked on the puzzle. I have almost no recollection of what the kids did. I think our son did some typing practice. And our daughter kept playing the Civics game on Brain Pop! We had a video call with the kids’ cousin (our niece) and her mom, and it was fun to connect with them that way. It had been raining most of the morning, and the sun started to come out, so I went to the porch afterwards and read for a while.

Our daughter made dinner. I helped her with the prep. Phil came home from work with more news of the outside world and further restrictions at his place of work. We talked about how we were going to get the groceries we need and how neither one of us wants to venture out. I don’t know how much online ordering I can do. I don’t know how we’re going to get through this except that we’re together. That is the only thing I know right now.

We made our weekly produce list for him to pick up at work on Saturday, and we sort of devolved into screens again. Around 7 p.m., I asked the kids to turn them off. They tried to play a baseball simulator game together, but they started to argue and get pushy with each other, so I shut everything down for bedtime. Our daughter stomped off and yelled and our son just gathered all his things and made noises with his mouth. I expected some pushing and shoving in the bathroom or bedroom, but they managed to take turns.

And then, as soon as our daughter was in bed, the real problem presented itself.

“I just want (my best friend) and school,” she said, bursting into tears. I knew this would be hard for her. It’s been a week, and the social girl that she is, she’s missing her friends, and she likes school. Her sobbing is breaking my heart.

“I wish this was all a bad dream and we could just pop the bubble and wake up.”

I cried, too, when she said this because me, too. It’s only been a week but a week of trauma feels like a lifetime and it will take us longer than a week to recover from what’s happening in our brains. Who do I even talk to about this? None of us have any frame of reference for such a time as this, and I don’t need sugar-sweet “God’s in control” kinds of platitudes. What do I tell my daughter? What do I tell myself? I totally understand why people drink or drug themselves into numbness. At 8 p.m. on Friday, March 20, I am tired of all the feelings I am feeling. I am tired of not knowing what new restriction will be on us in the morning. I’m tired of being stressed out by the thought of going grocery shopping and not knowing if what we need will be there. This is no way to live.

And yet we’re being asked to live this way. For a time. An unknown amount of time. Maybe if they could tell us an end date, we could make it through easier.

Every day is exhausting and yet I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Maybe just making it through another day is something. How do we do this when the days offer no hope of change? And how do we parent our children through this time? I have no wisdom or experience for them. All I have is my own feelings and the expression of them. I told our daughter it’s okay to hate everything about what’s happening right now. To be sad, angry, frustrated, whatever. We don’t have to be okay with this.

But we have to accept that there are parts of this we cannot change or control. She was sad because she didn’t have any books she wanted to read. I picked four off of our shelves and she went with book 1 of The Wingfeather Saga by Andrew Peterson. I’m hoping to tune in to his Facebook live reading tonight. I don’t like that all of our connection right now is either limited to the people in our house or by some kind of screen or device. But, it is what it is.

I don’t have to like any of it. I don’t like any of it. But I’m trying to make it through.

Day 8: I cried myself to sleep last night. The weight of it all crushed me. I feel like I’m bearing the emotions of all four of us in the house, and I’m not strong enough to carry all of that myself. I don’t have to and no one is asking me to, but I feel responsible for the emotional health of my family. I cried because it’s too much.

Before I went to bed, I watched a movie on Acorn TV, a British streaming service that’s offering a free 30-day trial. They had Still Life, which is based on a book by Louise Penny that I just read. I worked on the puzzle the entire time it was on, making progress. I’m not sure I’m going to make the deadline of being done by dinner tonight.

Around 5 a.m., our daughter came into our room and asked to sleep in our bed. My husband had already left for work, and she seemed in better spirits but was still in need of some snuggle time. She and I both stayed there till after 7 this morning.

Then, breakfast. A smoothie for the girl. Scrambled eggs for the boy. An egg-and-English muffin dish for me. And coffee. Always, coffee.

How will we make today different? Maybe we don’t have to. Maybe routine and monotony shows us things we wouldn’t otherwise see. Some of it is unpleasant. How much we need the little (and big) distractions so we don’t have to face ourselves.

I was going to work on the puzzle and listen to Andrew Peterson read from his book, but the kids were watching YouTube, one of them on the TV and the streaming of the Facebook live video was slow to load. So, I moved to the kitchen to wash dishes. The one YouTuber my son likes to watch is someone I find mostly annoying. I’m practicing social distancing inside my house which is not as easy as you might think. At 9 a.m., the kids went outside. It’s sunny today, if a bit chilly, but at least it’s not raining. Within minutes, one of them had pinched a finger in the folding chair and the other needed help tying shoes.

I put my workout clothes on, just to remind me to move and not give up on the day before it had really begun. I didn’t go right into my workout. I drank water and scrolled Facebook. And placed a book order through a local bookstore that I had a gift certificate for. The reply email I got from the owner of the store almost had me in tears because it was so kind and thoughtful and personal. Words matter so much right now. I need to start using mine better.

Then I did my scheduled workout for the day. I’m not trying to come out of this time period as my fittest self, but sticking to some kind of routine helps me. And working out benefits my brain and mental health. That’s all. With the way I’m eating, it won’t be a fit me that comes out of this anyway. (Ice cream anyone?)

During my workout, I got a message from someone who’s been trying to buy a scrapbook assortment from me for weeks and the timing has never been right. Today, the timing was right. We took proper precautions and never interacted directly. I made $10 from a box of stuff I cleaned out of a closet months ago that was leftover from another time of life when I tried to be crafty.

I made a smoothie for my snack and one for my son for lunch. I’ve made three smoothies today; can I add that to my resumé? Now it’s time to think about lunch again. All these meals.

My coffee order came, so I’m well stocked for the next month. I actually signed up for a coffee subscription from a local roaster so I can a) ensure I have enough coffee and b) support local businesses.

After lunch, the kids made cookies. I listened from the other room and gave assistance when it was necessary, which was not often. I studied the puzzle while listening to the alt-rock station playing all 90s hits, and did a little bit of reading. Everything feels hard right now.

Social distancing from the people in my house by wearing earbuds and listening to alt-rock from my teenage years.

The cookies turned out okay. Some are burnt, which is more a testament to our oven than it is anyone’s baking abilities. I washed some dishes while watching Grace and Frankie, preparing for our daughter to also make frosting later. Her dad requested the cookies and frosting, and she is a willing baker.

She worked on the frosting, and I heated the oven for dinner. Phil called as he was leaving work and decided to head to Target to get it out of the way. When he got home from Target with everything except deodorant for our son and toilet paper, he decided to tackle Costco, too. That way our Sunday could be freer to do things together as a family.

He spent $200 at Costco, which in normal times is not unusual. It only makes me nervous because my income won’t be what it normally is. But he has us stocked with meat and snacks and vegetables. He’d also brought home a bunch of assorted leftovers from various stands at market today, mostly because some of the stands aren’t opening next week and needed to offload their goods. So, along with our frozen pizzas tonight, I ate some carrots with tzatziki sauce. My body is not liking all the comfort-junk food I’m feeding it. I will attempt to listen better to it.

We watched the latest episode of LegoMasters, then put the kids to bed and watched Brooklyn-99.

Day 9: I slept well last night. That seems to be an important part of this whole thing right now. We made/ate breakfast and then watched our pastor’s sermon on YouTube so we could later participate in a Zoom meeting for a sermon discussion. After the sermon, I suited up to go for a run because I realized yesterday that it’s not just the running that I miss but the alone time. Running by myself feeds so much more than my body’s physical needs. It’s mental and emotional, too. It was only in the low 30s but I wanted to go early, when the world was least likely to be bustling. (Although bustling is a relative term right now.)

I headed toward the college campus nearby, where there’s a drive-through COVID-19 testing set up. I was curious but also a little bit concerned. Someone else was using the walking path, though, so I felt somewhat confident to keep going. It was surreal to see in person what I’ve only heard about on the news. The other person I passed on the path waved to me, though, and that’s not always something that happens between strangers.

My tracking app stopped working not long after I started, probably because it was in my pocket, so I’m not sure exactly how far I ran today in 25 minutes, but it was close to 2 miles. I’m repeating week 7 of C25K until I can consistently run 2 miles in that time. My calves started to cramp during cool down, but I felt so much better than I had all week. I came home, made a smoothie and took a shower before we logged into our church Zoom meeting.

There were about 10 of us and it was good to see faces and hear voices we’d normally see on Sundays. And even some we haven’t seen in a while! That hour of checking in and discussing what we’d heard was so encouraging, a reminder that we’re all in this together and experiencing at different levels.

Lunch. Phil’s doing a workout. I need to start dinner in the crockpot soon. In the midst of making the crockpot dinner, our daughter got a request from her best friend for Messenger Kids, so we got that worked out. They video called each other and all is right with the world now.

Phil and I talked through grocery lists again so he could go to Aldi and make one more attempt at Target for deodorant. While he was gone, the rest of us decided to do some coloring. A few months ago, I got a color-by-number coloring book, which I surprisingly love. We all picked some pictures to color and we listened to Broadway tunes.

When Phil got home, we put groceries away and cleared the living room so he could take his weekly nap on the couch. The kids are watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I washed some dishes.

I made a comforting crockpot soup for dinner that the kids wouldn’t eat (I knew this going into it) so they figured out their own dinner. We watched a couple of episodes of America’s Test Kitchen and ushered the kids toward laundry and showers. (The latter is something that is falling through the cracks in these days.)

Phil and I ended the night playing Trivial Pursuit via Zoom with two other couples–one in Pittsburgh and one in North Carolina–and that whole experience had me wondering why we’d never done it before. Connecting with friends was a balm to our weary souls.

The Distancing Diaries: Days 4, 5 & 6

March 19, 2020

Friends, it’s getting harder, these days of distancing. A friend posted on Facebook that we should check on our extrovert friends because they are not okay. I would submit that introverts may also not be okay, especially if they are not used to all these people in the house all the time. I’ve got three days of our life to share with you today. May it help you to know you are not alone.

Day 4: My alarm was set for 6:15 a.m. because I want to try to keep to some kind of schedule, but I haven’t been sleeping well, so I turned it off and let my body wake me up. It was closer to 7 when I felt like I was awake for the day. There’s a balance between wanting to keep to a schedule and needing to listen to my body.

I told the kids screens until 8 o’clock. It’s 8:08. I’m still in the kitchen working on my blog, and I can hear the YouTube still going. Sigh.

They transitioned to math aka Prodigy which is a game with math problems in it, I guess. I got dressed (this is an important part of my day.) and worked on more dishes while listening to a podcast on the existence of hell. (Be jealous; you know that sounds like a good time!)

The kids are supposed to be doing active time now and because it’s a little rainy outside, they’re maybe dancing? I don’t know. Our house is not that big, yet I’m not 100 percent sure what goes on here. They were playing Shaun White snowboarding. I talked to my mom on the phone and folded laundry, then I worked on the puzzle a little more.

Our daughter made brownies from scratch while our son did a Hot Wheels tournament. I made myself available in the kitchen and sorted through the accumulation of papers on the counter. I found my insurance card that was available to be activated on January 1 if that’s any indication how 2020 is going. We made lunch and watched The Price is Right. If ever a nation needed the pure, unadulterated joy of this game show, it’s now. It still freaks me out to see people hugging, though.

Our son went outside to pick weeds and dead grasses out of the garden so we can start to think about spring while my daughter and I worked through her at-home lesson for Girls on the Run. We did a matching get-to-know you game and some fun movements. We skipped to the mailbox and danced on the porch and did jumping jacks. Then, we made self-portraits using only the arts/crafts supplies we had on hand. I like how they turned out. And we talked about what makes us the same and different.

I struggled to get the kids to do more academic time. I’m a part-time teacher’s aide when the world is functioning as usual but to transfer those skills to home is hard for me. At the same time I was trying to get them to do academics, I was putting the corned beef in the pot for dinner and getting ready to do my own workout for the day. That’s a lot of multi-tasking for me.

They chose a couple of things they could do online and I asked them to tell me what they learned after I finished my workout. Now, it’s screen time for everyone until 3 p.m. when I’m crossing my fingers and hoping they’ll do band practice. Daughter practiced band; son pulled more weeds in the garden. I made dinner–corned beef and cabbage–and read a book while I waited for the vegetables to cook.

When Phil got home from work, he wouldn’t touch anything before showering after being in contact with so many people. He was extra vigilant about taking these precautions, even if it seems a little paranoid.

We started planning for a possible hike on Wednesday because Phil is off, and we’re going to need to get outside. And we watched a BBC program about monkeys. (About 5 minutes of news was all we could handle.) The rest of the evening was kind of a blur. The kids went to bed around 8 and Phil and I followed soon after, exhausted from just existing in these times.

Day 5: I didn’t set the alarm again and woke up around 6ish. I listened to Pray As You Go, an app that offers music, a Scripture reading and time for meditation, and then scrolled the socials. I don’t think the latter makes me feel better, but I do it anyway. I ran out of coffee yesterday, but I ordered some over the weekend and it’s supposed to arrive today, so I made a cup of chai with my breakfast of French toast. The kids are doing math on Prodigy again, and we’re arguing about what time we’re going to head out for an adventure and when we’re going to video call with the grandparents. I’m tired already.

They did the video call and then we just started getting ready to leave. Dressing in layers and packing on-the-go lunch food. There was some weeping and gnashing of teeth but we were all ready to leave by 11 a.m. and our attitudes were mostly good. It took about 30 minutes to get to the park we’d picked out, and the parking lot was fuller than we expected. Two people passed us at the trailhead and then it was a while before we saw anyone else again, and it was always at a distance.

Ah, nature. I’m breathing easier just thinking about it.

The park is called Money Rocks because legend has it that farmers used to hide their money in the rocks in the mountains, and it’s not hard to imagine when you walk the limestone outcroppings. The trail itself is pretty rocky. We meandered for more than an hour, eating our lunches, until the kids started to complain of their legs hurting. We had a talk about the benefits of exercise and how we were going to keep doing this kind of thing, no matter what the coronavirus did, and it would be longer each time. This was the point of tears for one of our party who could not imagine hiking for more than an hour, even though we have done this numerous times in our life as a family.

For the good of everyone, we turned around and hiked back to the car, where we found the parking lot fuller than when we arrived. We still did not encounter many people, and when we did, there was plenty of distance. We came home to eat brownies and ice cream, but one of us did not approve of the size of the brownies offered and pouted until the brownies and ice cream were put away. (This family member relented later and ate brownies and ice cream before dinner.)

Oh, this is the life right now.

We’re back to the screens and the jigsaw puzzle. I made coffee to go with my dessert because my coffee order arrived just before we left. Afternoon coffee has never tasted so good. I took a shower while Phil made dinner, his Wednesday tradition.

Phil made a French toast casserole and breakfast sausages for dinner, which is not in any way healthy but is the kind of comfort food we’re gravitating toward these days. We thought about a family movie night but the kids actually got excited when we suggested a game night. So, we played Trivial Pursuit, girls vs. boys. Phil and I have a long tradition of boys vs. girls Trivial Pursuit. We may have actually fallen in love with each other playing this game with friends. We cycled through decades of music on Pandora while we played, starting with the 50s all the way through the 2000s. My time to shine was when the 80s and 90s music hit. We girls lost the game soundly, but we all had fun. It took us till almost 9 o’clock to finish the game, at which time we all went to bed.

Day 6: I did not want to get out of bed today. The days are spreading out in monotony, and I am struggling to find purpose in each day, although I know there are things I can do to add meaning to our days. We have video calls we can schedule. I could write letters. I have not done much cleaning or tending the garden plot or the flower beds. Today is my “rest day” in my workout schedule, which is both a blessing and a curse right now. I cried before I even got out of bed. I said the word “depression” out loud. It would be so so easy to sink into oblivion right now. Our county has its first case. The VA has its first case. I worry about other sicknesses not being able to be treated. I worry about getting my second injection for my endometriosis treatment in a timely manner.

Today, I think I need to apply for unemployment and maybe do the Census questionnaire. Dishes need attention, too. Podcasts will help me feel less alone, I hope. I need to buy stamps online so I can send some letters. And we have to take a loan payment to the bank. I will admit that I’m afraid to go places, any places.

I had breakfast and worked on the puzzle while Phil did his at-home workout provided by his gym. The kids played a Brain Pop! game that had them simulating government leadership. I washed dishes. And applied for unemployment. Maybe I should have done that first thing in the week but I just couldn’t get up the emotional strength to do it. I have some past stress involving government benefits and unemployment. Phil applied once when he was in between jobs and his employer disputed it. We fought it; Phil had to show up at a hearing to plead his case. And it was just an overall icky experience. Our family also spent a lot of years receiving food stamp and medical assistance benefits. For some reason, needing those assistances is less acceptable than filing for unemployment. I don’t remember as many people being so encouraging about applying for food stamps as they’ve been about applying for unemployment.

I signed a contract for some freelance work that will occupy me for the next several months. (Don’t get too excited. Freelance work doesn’t pay in a timely manner. I’ll celebrate at the end of the year.)

We spent about 40 minutes as a family reading in the living room. The quiet was calming. We ate lunch and watched part of another episode of the monkey documentary. Phil left for work, and I filled out our Census survey. I ordered postage stamps online and signed up for a coffee subscription from my favorite local coffee roaster. Two of my favorite bags of coffee guaranteed to come to my house every month. Maybe I can get through this.

Daughter and I did another at-home lesson for Girls on the Run, creating an obstacle course on our porch and a song about what makes us feel strong.

I watched another episode of Jamestown and started thinking about dinner. I read a little and put some more of the puzzle together. The monkey is taking shape. My goal is to finish by Saturday so we can have our dining table back.

Phil brought home flowers for me. I asked if they had any at the farm but wasn’t sure if they would. He brought a flat of pansies and one primrose. I’ll be planting flowers outside tomorrow. I don’t even care if it snows this weekend. I need to see spring and beauty. I did notice buds on the lilac bush already. What will the world be like when the lilac blooms? I take some comfort in the rhythms that remain.

I made dinner: tortellini with sliced sausage and frozen broccoli in a homemade marinara sauce. (Need dinner ideas? I can probably help you out. Nothing fancy. Totally doable.) The kids went outside after dinner. I was going to and then the governor closed all non-life-sustaining businesses and Phil and I wondered what exactly that meant. We turned on the local news, again only able to handle about five minutes of that. I sat outside on the porch for a few minutes, but it was a damp day and even though temperatures were in the 50s, I was chilled. Back to the puzzle.

Both kids took a bath. A few weeks ago I bought some epsom salt bubble bath for my muscle recovery ,and I’ve told the kids it’s magic bath water for their sore muscles. After yesterday’s hike, they were both interested in a magic bath. Can’t say I blame them. I might take one myself yet tonight.

Now it’s back to screens with a side of ice cream before bed. We made it through another day.

The Distancing Diaries: Day 3

March 17, 2020

I know I said it would be every couple of days, but I feel like Day 3 should get its own entry because it was the first day of our new normal weekday schedule. For your reading pleasure, here’s how our Monday went.

Day 3: I don’t feel refreshed when I wake up, although I also don’t feel exhausted. I slept some, but the worries and fears still hang over me like a cloud. I set my alarm for the usual time, though, to create some semblance of normal. But there is nothing normal about this time. I listened to Pray As You Go and read the daily office reading from the Book of Common Prayer. Phil still went to the gym this morning. It’s a mental health thing as well as physical. I know this. It worries me some.

I don’t exactly know how to order my day. I’m afraid of being aimless. I don’t have to be productive all the time, but this feels so different because it’s not like recovering from surgery when I couldn’t do things. And it’s not summer, so we can’t plan fun outings. Plus we have restrictions on gatherings. I’m hoping I can find some meaning and order in this day.

Phil said there were 7 people at the gym in a class that normally has upwards of 20, and while the gym is taking precautions, he’s probably going to pause his membership. After everyone finished breakfast, Phil and I did our taxes because we’d been putting it off for a while. The kids had extra screen time but some of it was math.

I spent a good chunk of the morning making soup–butternut squash and leek, topped with bacon. I also washed a few dishes and put two loads of towels in the washer and dryer. I streamed the alternative rock station and turned the volume up. (If you’re not singing “Hey Jealousy” at top volume did you even grow up in the 90s?) At lunch, we watched two Tiny Desk Concerts on YouTube: Coldplay and Jonas Brothers. Music education!

Phil still has work, which is great for our personal economy, so he headed out about midday as usual. At least one of us still has a routine.

For lunch, I taught my son how to make scrambled eggs. He was not as excited to do it himself as I was to teach him. The kids then fought over cupcakes, and I was ready to throw in all the towels on this whole schedule/social distancing thing. Lord, have mercy, I prayed. (I said some other things that I don’t wish to repeat.)

I found a tiny bit of color in our flower beds

I worked out, cleaned our kitchen trash can that had some strong odors after we took the trash out this morning, and tended this plant that was in need of some love. It’s the most resilient plant I’ve ever cared for. No matter how I neglect it, it keeps growing. Dirt under my nails felt good. I can’t wait to tackle the garden, even if I don’t make a lot of progress getting everything ready.

After my workout, I made a snack. The kids are supposed to be folding towels while watching YouTube. They’re definitely watching YouTube.

I watched another episode of Jamestown. Toward the end of it, my daughter waltzed into the bedroom proclaiming that SHE folded all of the towels. I asked my son to put them away.

When Phil got home, I learned that all non-essential stores in PA were closing at midnight. This added to my anxiety a bit, even though I rarely go out. I deposited his paycheck, which eased the anxiety some. He took the truck to get gas so it would be ready for work the next day. The kids played outside for a bit and did some creative time. Our daughter drew on the computer and our son reinforced a cardboard box he has turned into an animal habitat sort of thing.

I set out to make dinner. Cooking is one of the things I enjoy when I have the time. If you need recipe or meal suggestions in this time, let me know. We consider ourselves experts in creative cooking and meal planning because we try to use what we have on hand. Tonight, it was chicken and brussel sprouts alfredo over rustichine pasta. (One of the fancy pastas Phil got at Aldi because the basic pastas were all gone.) We watched an episode of Hyperdrive, (well, the kids and husband did; it’s not my favorite show) then I took the kids for a walk after dinner.

They both brought bubble wands with them, among other toys. My son rarely travels without a stuffed animal and/or a car of some kind. It was windy and cold, and the breeze took the bubbles farther than we could blow them. Watching them float was soothing and fun. My daughter remarked that they were just floating along, nothing bothering them and that’s how life should be. It was kind of a huge thought for one who just turned 12, but she’s been overhearing adult conversations her whole life. And she’s a deep thinker.

Still it stopped me. Bubbles are a uniquely summer thing, and I tried to imagine each bubble as a little blob of happy lightness. I hope someone was looking out their window and saw us.

Back home, I took a shower while the kids did more screens in the form of active video games and creative games. We exceeded my idea of how much screen time we should have today. Tomorrow, we’ll try to do better. I started another book (because I finished one this morning). For the last hour before bedtime, the kids did a Hot Wheels tournament while I worked on the frustrating puzzle. I had to take a whole section apart and redo it because the pieces looked like they fit but they didn’t.

I’m hoping for a later wake-up time for the kids tomorrow.

I stayed up late watching the latest episode of Outlander and another episode of Jamestown. If you don’t know by now, historical fiction is my go-to escape. I did my nails and worked on a cross-stitch project while I watched. I checked on some friends via text message, and I’m trying to schedule some video calls. I’m realizing how difficult this time of distancing is going to be for my daughter who is a social butterfly. Me, on the other hand, I’ve been prepping for canceled plans and staying home my whole life. I will get stir crazy. I know this from the month-long recovery from surgery in the fall. But I won’t suffer as much from social distancing as my extraverted family members.

We learned some things about how this schedule does and does not work today. Making some adjustments for tomorrow.

How did your Monday go? What adjustments are you making today?

The Distancing Diaries: Days 1 & 2

March 16, 2020

We’re living through a time of life I could never have imagined, so I’m keeping a diary of what it’s like to limit activities and errands. It probably won’t be compelling, but I think someday I’m going to want a record of what these days were like. I’m sharing it with you in case you need solidarity in this time. Feel free to leave comments about what your social distancing days are like. We’re all trying to figure this out together.

On Friday afternoon, we learned we’d be out of school, and I would be out of work, for at least two weeks. All plans I had to keep calm and not lose my mind over the COVID-19 pandemic fled. I stress ate my feelings and started a new show on Prime and generally worried about what life was going to be like in the coming days.

Saturday was the first day of our new temporary way of life. Here’s what it looked like.

Day 1: When I woke up, I learned that the library was closed for the next two weeks. That’s a normal Saturday errand for us, and while we do not lack for books to read, it caused some sadness. I thought about the people who use the library as a refuge from the weather during the day, for whom the library is a place to use the bathroom without needing to make a purchase. At the same time, I was grateful that we had some books checked out from the library and access to online books and again, a house full of books. (Need books? I’ve got you covered.)

I made smoothies for the kids for breakfast. Usually, I am not terribly engaged in breakfast making because morning is not always my best time. But I knew we wouldn’t be going anywhere, or far, for the day, so we took our time on things we might otherwise rush through. I made blueberry pancakes for myself, according to the meal plan I’m following right now. We eased into the morning because I wanted Saturday to still feel like Saturday as much as possible.

After breakfast, I changed into my workout clothes and completed my strength training for the day. While I worked out, I asked the kids to make a list of the chores they could accomplish this weekend. This has been a practice for several weekends now because I can’t keep up with all the housework while working a part-time job and maintaining any kind of sanity. When they had finished their lists, they went outside to play.

Then, we started talking about a schedule for these next two weeks because without a schedule, I don’t thrive personally, and I know my kids would watch YouTube for hours on end. The kids and I sat in the living room, each with a device in our hands and shared Google docs on our screens. I learned my son, who is 10, has a favorite font (me, too, kid; we are SO related). His teacher had shared a suggested schedule, which we used as a template. I emphasized that it’s a flexible schedule because we are not rigid people. But I want them to know their options besides watching screens all the time. It didn’t take us long to hash out a workable schedule.

I showered. They cleaned the bathroom, started some laundry and washed a few dishes. I’m wondering if this enthusiasm for cleaning will last throughout this distancing time, but for now, it’s working a little.

After lunch, they asked if we could go to the park for our second active time of the day. They rode bikes and I walked. We were outside for a full hour. The playground was busy, but we bypassed it, in part because my kids are too big for that particular playground and because touching playground equipment is not part of the distancing plan. It felt good to be outside, seeing the signs of spring emerging and watching the ducks, geese and swans go about their business.

We took some rest time when we got back. I ate a snack and watched an episode of Jamestown, the Prime show I started on Friday night. The eight episodes are only streaming until March 31. Perfect timing. After a bit of screen time, the kids started playing with toys. Barbies, specifically. Both of them. Our son was “Ken” and he was cooking for all the girls, which is a social order I can get behind. I worked on the jigsaw puzzle that’s been puzzling me for more than a week.

Our daughter celebrated a birthday this week, and we had promised to take her and a friend out to dinner, so after Phil got home from work, we all got ready for that outing. We went to a local Italian restaurant, not far from our house, and it wasn’t busy when we got there. They gave us a booth that was sort of in a separate room, and we were able to spread out a bit. We ordered more food than we could possibly eat in one sitting, probably in response to stress and myriad choices. For a little while, things felt normal, although every person who entered the restaurant grabbed a squirt of hand sanitizer at the door. I ate what was probably the best cannoli of my life for dessert and even though my teeth felt like they were coated with sugar, I regretted nothing.

We ended the night watching the latest episode of LegoMasters and trying to calm down from all the excitement and disruption of the day. I read an article about social distancing and wondered if we’d done wrong things by going out to eat and having a friend of our daughter spend time with us.

I slept fitfully and woke up tired and anxious.

Day 2: Our church did not cancel service, and I had agreed to play guitar for worship team. I didn’t want to stay for the whole service anyway and as we talked about it as a family, the rest of the crew decided to stay home. I was an emotional mess at church, the feelings and anxieties and emotions all boiling up and over. I cried numerous times before church even started. I used to be embarrassed about crying in public or in front of people but I’ve learned that when I’m able to let my tears flow, it means I feel safe in that place or with those people.

I had serious misgivings about being at church at all, and it was not a sparse crowd, though there were some noticeable absences among the over-65 set. But there was hugging and a group prayer at the altar, neither of which I participated in. I walked around with my hands stuffed in my jeans pockets and stuck pretty closely to the corner of the back pew where I’d set my stuff. This is typical introvert behavior from me at church anyway but today it just felt more pronounced.

I left church as quickly as I could after the service was over. At home, the kids had watched some TV, started some laundry and played outside. Sundays are usually for sports watching, so the entertainment on screen has been a challenge.

We ate leftovers from the Italian restaurant for lunch, and I worked on the puzzle while waiting for my food to digest so I could go for a run. My run was pleasant but still a little bit stressful because of trying to avoid people. We did a video call with my parents. I spent a lot of time on the jigsaw puzzle and scrolling social media for information.

I inventoried our food in the chest freezer, pantry and fridge so Phil could go to the store and not panic buy anything we already have enough of. We have plenty of food to get us through, and we’ll need to use our skills of creative cooking to make some meals, but we can do this. We’ve done it plenty of times when totally broke. I ordered coffee online from my favorite local coffee roaster so I can have my supply restocked later in the week. I’ve never been more glad to have given up caffeine, though. If I run out of coffee, I won’t be in withdrawal.

Phil went to Aldi. I asked him to text me pictures of anything unusual. The journalist in me wants to see and observe everything about this time. There was no bread. A sign was posted limiting the purchase of canned goods. No toilet paper or other paper goods. The cured meat cooler was nearly empty except for a few hot dogs and scrapple (that’s a PA Dutch thing and I don’t care for it). He came home with everything on our list with some variations from what we normally buy: whole milk because that’s all there was, and fancy pastas as well as soybean pasta because all the boxed pastas were gone.

Monday will be a big change for us, schedule wise. The kids are starting to break down a little bit from all the togetherness. Or maybe it’s just tiredness. The novelty might be wearing off. I’m hoping our schedule for the week will hold us okay. But I’m already thinking through what our options might be for changing it up.

What a wild time to be alive.

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