Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns
If you think Jesus would have come into your home that day and not issued a strong rebuke to the head of household, you are mistaken. These words of condemnation have been haunting me for days now. They aren’t all that different than the soundtrack I play in my head on an almost-daily basis. It’s…
I am nesting. On Saturday I emptied the refrigerator. Last summer’s homemade pickles in their jars. The bread ends that seem to multiply on every shelf. The eggs. The milk. The fruit and veggies. All of it sat on the floor or the counter as I carefully removed the shelves and wiped them down with…
I’ve heard that life is like a highway. And it definitely seems like that sometimes. The pace of life swirls around me at dizzying speeds. We’re all so busy. In such a hurry. Always somewhere to be, something else to do. I’m a get-to-the-point, get-there-quick kind of girl. I don’t like to waste time on…
“Why are you in the sped class?”
We were walking outside with some of our students when I overhead a student from another class that was also outside say this to one of our students. I didn’t hear our student’s reply, but I couldn’t let it go, so I turned and said, “That’s not what it is.” The student who asked the question seemed surprised that I had heard and responded. She asked a follow-up question: “Is it the Leap class?” and by that she meant the “gifted” class. I shook my head and walked on.
I probably could have had a longer conversation with the student, but I didn’t. Maybe it wasn’t the time or place. Maybe I was reluctant to draw further attention to the student in our class. The teacher of the class and I continued our conversation as we walked and I realized that this is one of the reasons students hate having to come to our class.
We teach reading skills. It’s not a special education class, it’s an intervention class, a distinction I still don’t fully understand. What I do know is that the student’s comment is probably not the first one our students have heard when they say they have to come to our class instead of stay with their friends. And it’s indicative of a larger societal problem.
Needing help in some area of our lives is seen as weakness. As something wrong with us. I try to fight this stigma with our students by constantly reminding them that needing help is normal. Asking for and accepting help is healthy. There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t know if they believe me, but I know I have to keep trying.
Because sometimes I don’t believe me, either.
—
Earlier this month I developed what I was pretty sure was some kind of head cold/sinus thing, but to be on the safe side, I scheduled a telehealth visit with a provider who sent me for a COVID test that turned out to be negative. My cold symptoms persisted and taking cold medicine helped me sleep and get through the day, so for two days, I relied on Mucinex to keep my cough under control so I could sleep and function.
And I hated that I had to do it.
I can’t remember a time in my life when I was eager to take medicine. My body is extra-sensitive to it, so I usually have to take a little less than what’s recommended as a dose and I don’t like the not knowing: am I feeling better because I’m healing or because of the medicine? (It’s usually the medicine.)
But I’m learning. Medicine is a tool when used properly and responsibly. It can become more than that but sometimes we need a little help to get through the day. Sometimes we need more than a little help.
After a couple of days, I was able to get through a day without the medicine, which felt like a victory. Because in my mind, needing medicine is a sign of weakness. If I need medicine, I’m somehow deficient, unable to function “normally” (whatever that means). I’ve been conditioned to believe that a medicine-free life is the normal way to live.
Maybe I’m not that different from the student I corrected after all.
—
I listen religiously to the “Office Ladies” podcast with Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. It’s the only thing better than re-watching all the episodes of “The Office.” (Actually the podcast might be better than that because you get commentary and behind-the-scenes info.)
On a recent episode, Jenna Fischer talked about her anxiety. (Side note: I love, love, love when actors and other performers and famous people talk about their anxiety and self-consciousness. They are regular human beings who have succeeded at a job, but that does not mean they are perfect and love every minute of the fame.)
She said it was like a backpack. Some days it’s light and some days it’s heavy, but it’s never not there. I appreciated this description because that’s how my own anxiety feels. It does not weigh me down every day, but some days it feels overwhelming. On those days, I usually take a small dose of Xanax to help me navigate the world. Sometimes I will tell my husband, “I have to take a Xanax today” or “I’m going to have to take a Xanax to get through this.” I say it like I’m apologizing or making an excuse. Sometimes I’m still ashamed that I have a medicinal tool that works in my life when I need it to.
But the truth is: the anxiety meds help me carry the backpack when it’s too heavy. And a weird thing about anxiety in my experience is that sometimes I start out the day with a light backpack and I don’t even realize that throughout the day, I’m putting more stuff in it so that by the end of the day, I’m carrying a much heavier load than I started with. And the next day, my body aches on the inside from hauling all that stuff around. Sometimes I take the anxiety meds the day AFTER a stressful or overwhelming day because my body has been trying to handle it all on its own.
My anxiety medication is a tool.
I keep telling myself. Maybe one day I’ll believe it.
—
“Crutches are a tool, not a toy.”
I said these actual words in the cafeteria this week while I was supervising a lunch period. A student is using crutches for a legitimate medical reason, and another student grabbed them while that student was sitting and started using them. That’s when I said what I said.
We have the same problem sometimes when our students use the chairs with wheels in the classroom to move themselves from one side of the room to the other. We ask them to please stand up and move themselves and their chairs across the room because these are chairs with wheels not wheelchairs. I don’t know if we’re doing this right, but we’re trying to teach them the difference between rolling themselves across the room because they don’t want to get up and needing to use a wheelchair because of a disability.
My sister-in-law is a vocal advocate for disability rights and correcting the language we use. I learn from her about ableism and ways I didn’t even think to see it in society and in my life. She has taught me to remove the words “lame” and “crutch” from my vocabulary when they are used to describe non-medical situations.
I thought about the word “crutch” a lot as I struggled with the head cold. In my head, I thought that cold medicine was a crutch for me to get through the day. It had a negative connotation in my mind. But if a crutch is a tool you need when your body needs help, then so is medicine. Crutches don’t mean we’re weak or less then. It means we need help in some way.
I have a lot to learn. And I’m sure I’m still getting it wrong. But I’m trying to tune my ears and focus my eyes on the way our culture values ability and devalues disability.
Please, keep teaching me so I can keep teaching my students that there’s nothing “wrong” with them if they need help in some way. Whether it’s with reading or math or social skills or managing their emotions. Whether they need meds or assistive technology.
And so I can see the world more clearly and deconstruct my own ableist tendencies.
—
Talk to me about this topic. Are you aware of ableism in our society? How do you see it? And who or what teaches you more about it?
I thought April would fly by because the first months of this year seemed to drag. But these last 30 days were looooong. Maybe they all will be from now until summer? I don’t know. Anyway, April is over, which means I’ve got another monthly round-up for you. Here’s a summary of What We Did, What We Ate, What We Watched, and What We Read.
Welcomed family for a visit. My parents made the trip out here for Easter, and it was so lovely to be together for the first time in seven months.
Because they were in town, we celebrated our daughter’s birthday (again). We had a small cake after dinner one night, and she opened presents from her visiting grandparents.
Which meant that the next day, we shopped because the girl had birthday money to spend. I remember when I started to want gift cards for my birthday and Christmas so I could pick out my own stuff, and that is the phase of life we are in now. (Side note: This was my first time out on a true shopping excursion since the pandemic. I didn’t love this kind of thing pre-pandemic and I don’t love it now. I have been training my whole life for avoiding people in public, but some people do not seem to understand the rules of avoidance. We all got through the shopping trip, though. May it not need to happen again soon.)
On Easter morning, we hiked at Shenk’s Ferry Wildflower Preserve. If you’ve been following this space for a long time, you might remember the time we drove our van to this preserve and got stuck on the way out because we took a road we shouldn’t have with the kind of vehicle we had. I was nervous to go back, but my parents were in town and they have an SUV. In preparation for the trip, we learned that the Lancaster Conservancy has since closed that questionable road and made a different parking area. It was a thoroughly enjoyable day and we were just on the cusp of peak wildflower blooming. A redeeming experience for Easter morning, as it should be. 🙂
Speaking of flowers, Phil bought some for our flowerbeds, so one afternoon my parents helped me planted flowers around the house. (We also reclaimed a spare tire as a planter.)
Track meets and lacrosse matches have taken over our lives. We went from a full schedule of practices in March to an even fuller schedule of practices, games and meets in April. It’s a bit of a whirlwind right now but we love watching our kids participate in team sports.
While my parents were here, my mom asked what I wanted for my birthday. I need to update my wardrobe, especially when it comes to work clothes, so she told me about this subscription service she’d heard about. I signed up for Nadine West while they were here, and a few days later, I opened my first envelope from the company. They sent me six items: a dress, a top, a pair of pants and three pieces of jewelry. I kept the top and pants (an outfit) and a necklace. I don’t love shopping, but I sort of love this service so far because (surprise, surprise) I don’t have to leave the house. I don’t have enough experience with it yet to know if I can recommend it to friends, but my next envelope should be arriving soon.
Our virtual adventures this month took us to Albania and Miami. (Read more about those in the What We Ate and What We Watched sections.)
Taxes. We put it off this year. It didn’t take that long, but we still didn’t want to make it a priority. Still, they’re done.
Quarantine. Again! Womp-womp. This time our daughter had to stay home and do school from home. She took it like a champ, and we’re glad it’s over. For now.
One Sunday afternoon, I walked with some coworkers from my book club. After reading All the Bright Places, we decided to do something to raise awareness about mental health issues. We organized a week-long event at our school and have been raising money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention for a couple of months so we participated in the virtual walk by getting together at a local park and walking for an hour. It was a beautiful day with fun company.
Summer-like temperatures late in the month had us thinking gardening, so Phil bought some of the plants for the garden and we put them in the ground. This is the earliest we’ve ever planted the garden. Two days later, the temperature dropped and the wind chill neared freezing. We might have made a mistake. I’ve learned that plants are resilient, though, so fingers crossed.
Cheese quiche for breakfast Easter morning. I wanted to make something special, and I was pleased with how this turned out.
An Easter feast featuring goat stew, roasted fingerling potatoes, fried cabbage, and kalettes (they’re like a cross between Brussels sprouts and kale) with a cheesecake sampler for dessert. We snacked earlier in the day on cheese and crackers and the like.
“Forgotten” cookies. I made these meringue cookies because I have a lot of egg whites to use up. I thought it was going to be a disaster, but it actually turned out okay. They were a tasty snack for days.
Potato Musakka for our Albanian virtual adventure. Layers of sliced potato with a beef and onion mixture in between, baked with eggs and milk. Comfort food.
Angel food cake. Because of the egg white situation. I followed a recipe that was very clear, and I was a little confused about the cooling process, but this cake turned out edible, even if it wasn’t perfect. I will try it again soon.
Roburrito’s, a local burrito place, for our April takeout. I had a taco salad in a fried bowl that took me back to my college days when I ordered one of these once a week. Others in the family had nachos and burrito quesadillas.
Arby’s. Because we needed a quick dinner on a lacrosse night. This was my first fast-food drive-through experience of the pandemic, I think. Curly fries=yum.
Carrots. From our garden. That we planted last fall. They were sweet and tender and got me in the mood for gardening. Phil “discovered” this harvest before he tilled the garden in preparation for our planting. (He knew they were there and took the time to dig them up. I probably would have ignored them or figured they wouldn’t be any good. I’m glad to be wrong!)
Mint milkshakes that we made with vanilla ice cream and creme de mint milk from a local dairy.
Frita (Cuban hamburger) for our virtual adventure. A mixture of meats for the burgers topped with a spicy ketchup and shoestring fries. Yes, it was tasty.
Pierogies from a new stand at Central Market where my husband works. These are not your grocery-store frozen pierogies. Plump and delicious. He paired them with a kielbasa skillet for dinner one night.
Nailed It. This is good for a laugh on a Friday night when the kids and I are winding down from the week. The new season has pairs of bakers–brothers and sister, partners, moms and daughters. It’s double the fun.
So I finished Cheer and I just can’t with the parents of some of these athletes. Cringe-y at best. And I cannot stomach the tosses that end in bone-crushing drops. It’s a compelling series but I didn’t love it like so many people did last year.
We also finished Space Force, which made me laugh SO loud and hard, and Men in Kilts, which made me want to book a flight to Scotland at the first available and safe moment.
Baseball. The Cubs are pretty terrible this year, but that doesn’t stop us from watching a game every now and then.
Call the Midwife. Lifts my spirit every single time. I finished season 7, which was a hard season but good.
Wild Flower, a documentary about a 77-year-old Albanian woman who lived her whole life unmarried so she could help her brother raise sheep and farm. This was part of our virtual adventure to the country. The documentary is subtitled, a new experience for our children as we watched.
Spider-Man: Far From Home. Thank you, Samuel L. Jackson for my new favorite movie line that includes a swear. All around, a fun movie that left me with a lot of question for the future of the Marvel universe.
Footloose in Oxford and York with the Rixons. If you need a chill and sometimes cheesy travel documentary of interesting places in Europe, check out the Footloose series on Amazon Prime. The Oxford and York one is their newest and it was filmed last summer during the pandemic after some restrictions had lifted.
By far my favorite thing we watched in April was Nate Bargatze: The Tennessee Kid, a comedy special on Netflix. We had a hard week and I requested a show with some good laughs. We all needed the healing power of laughs, and this fit the bill. I laughed so hard I almost choked on my dinner. And I’m still laughing just thinking about his delivery of jokes.
WandaVision. I know. We’re behind. We were catching up on Marvel movies. This Marvel-meets-Bewitched series is oddly compelling. We’ve only seen two episodes so far, but more to come.
Poldark. I still don’t love season five, but it’s only been two episodes. Maybe it will grow on me?
For our virtual adventure to Miami, we watched a couple of travel documentaries about the city. I honestly never thought I’d want to visit Miami in person but now I do.
History of Swear Words, also on Netflix. I needed some “low-brow” comedy one night when my brain couldn’t handle anything else. This delivered. I now know more than I ever wanted to about the f-word and the s-word. I can’t wait to learn more about swears!
Truman. Will. I. Ever. Finish. This. Book? (Yes, if I read no other books, but that is not how I operate.) I have a couple hundred pages left, which in McCullough translation is probably closer to 400 regular pages.
A Rule Against Murder by Louise Penny. The Gamaches on vacation? In the woods of Canada? What could go wrong? Thoroughly enjoyable to see some of my favorite Three Pines characters in a different setting.
How Not to Be Afraid by Gareth Higgins. I finished this one in time for its release on April 13, and I so loved its gentle invitation to transform fear through the telling of better (truer) stories. Transforming fear doesn’t ignore that bad things happen but it asks us to look for other things happening in the world, to pause and be grateful, and to face our fears with curiosity, at times.
Breathing Under Water by Richard Rohr. I finally finished it, long after the Lenten season ended. It’s a small book that packs a spiritual punch in all the best ways, and I’m grateful for its lessons.
Freak the Mighty by Rodman Philbrick. One of the classes I help in is listening to this as a read-aloud, mostly for fun. I haven’t ever read it, and I am constantly impressed with middle-grade fiction’s ability to keep readers interested and turning the pages. I’m hooked and eager to find out what happens.
Evicted by Matthew Desmond. This is our next book club pick. A second time reading for me. Still as moving and shocking as the first time.
Sidney Chambers and the Perils of the Night by James Runcie. Short stories about the vicar-who-solves-crimes. Enjoyable.
The Unwanteds by Lisa McMann. It’s described as Harry Potter meets The Hunger Games, and it is another YA book that hooked me. There are more in this series that I want to check out. Maybe this summer.
To Sir Phillip, With Love by Julia Quinn. Bridgerton series number five, and they just keep getting better. If you’re sad that Regé-Jean Page won’t be returning to the Netflix series, please let me assure you that there is plenty of good Bridgerton material left for the showrunners to work with.
The Brutal Telling by Louise Penny. I started it just as the month was ending. Back to Three Pines for me. I can never get enough Inspector Gamache.
Our son read Slacker by Gordon Korman and is working his way through more Theodore Boone books as well as Stick Dog Takes Out Sushi.
Our daughter is on a Percy Jackson kick along with the Warriors series by Erin Hunter.
Husband started Wild Seed by Octavia Butler but had to return it to the library when it was due.
I’m sure May will be another full month for us. Check back here in June for a full round-up of our activities. In the meantime, you can see some of what we’re up to and what I’m reading on my Instagram feed.