Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns
If you think Jesus would have come into your home that day and not issued a strong rebuke to the head of household, you are mistaken. These words of condemnation have been haunting me for days now. They aren’t all that different than the soundtrack I play in my head on an almost-daily basis. It’s…
I am nesting. On Saturday I emptied the refrigerator. Last summer’s homemade pickles in their jars. The bread ends that seem to multiply on every shelf. The eggs. The milk. The fruit and veggies. All of it sat on the floor or the counter as I carefully removed the shelves and wiped them down with…
I’ve heard that life is like a highway. And it definitely seems like that sometimes. The pace of life swirls around me at dizzying speeds. We’re all so busy. In such a hurry. Always somewhere to be, something else to do. I’m a get-to-the-point, get-there-quick kind of girl. I don’t like to waste time on…
Thirty days. Hard to believe it’s been a full month of a new way of life. I’m grateful for you who are reading along about the often mundane ways we are spending our days.
Day 26: The closer this number gets to 30, the sadder I get, but we’ve been at this long enough that it’s the new normal.
Sleep was interesting last night. About 1 a.m. a thunderstorm rolled through which meant our daughter woke up right away and came to our room. She is now a full-sized human wanting to share our bed when she’s scared, and our bed is not that big. We squeezed in and slept fitfully for the next several hours. I had a knot in my neck from hugging the edge of the bed so tightly. At some point in the night, Phil went to the couch so she and I had more room. Our son slept through the whole thing. I don’t remember my alarm going off, so if it did, I’m sure I turned it off. It was almost 7 before I got out of bed. Phil and our son were up in the living room. The girl is still sleeping.
It was well after 7 before everyone was up and getting breakfast. We aimed for 8 for our educational meeting, but it was a little after. We had our plan for the day and the kids went outside to play. I changed into workout clothes and went for a run. Today’s was the longest amount of time yet–30 minutes, but I took it at easy pace so I only covered a little more than 2 miles. Still, I ran continuously for 30 minutes and I wasn’t winded or exhausted when I finished. There will be other days to give it all I’ve got.
Phil was working on sorting through books on our bookshelves when I left, and that project took him most of the morning. Then, we decided to rearrange most of the shelves in the house, which took us a good portion of the afternoon.
Books was the theme of the day. Before we started working on the bookshelves my box of books for contest judging arrived. This is overwhelming and exciting. It’s work for the next four months, which is good for all sorts of reasons. So, I spent a little time going through the box and double checking the packing list to get myself organized for reading and judging all these books. (It’s one of my favorite things, which probably makes me sound like a horrible person.)
The bookshelves are in a better order, and we cleared one entire shelf for library books so they don’t become scattered all over the house or end up in a pile on the floor. Once we can go to the library again, I will love this system.
Now, I’m waiting on my doctor’s office to call for a telehealth appointment. This is a check-up for my blood pressure medication, and even though I’m not leaving my house, I’m still a little nervous. White coat syndrome even without seeing the white coat!
It was no big deal. I’m going to try going off my blood pressure medication again and see what the readings are for a couple of weeks. If I still need it, the dose can be lowered one more time.
I did some reading and helped figure out dinner. We decided to grill and make potato salad. Collaborative cooking is one of the things I love best about our relationship. Our daughter usually joins in. Tonight, Phil let her get the grill ready and put the meat on (with supervision). I finished reading book 2 of The Wingfeather Saga before dinner. We ate and watched America’s Test Kitchen. I took a shower and got a file organized for my book judging job. It’s a bit of a quiet evening for us. I’m feeling the effects of the restless sleep from last night. I predict an early bedtime all around tonight.
Day 27: It was one episode of The Office and then bedtime for me. I slept more soundly than I have in days but I dreamt a lot. Mostly about school. Co-workers, students, assignments. I can’t believe how much I miss being overworked and underpaid.
Alarm went off at 6:15. I listened to Pray As You Go, especially since it’s Maundy Thursday. I need a bit of anchoring. This weekend is Easter but it will probably be the least Easter-y feeling Easter ever. That doesn’t mean it’s not still special or important. Just different.
Then I stayed in bed scrolling Twitter and Instagram until after 7 o’clock. The boy was up already. The girl was not. But it wasn’t long before everyone was awake and eating breakfast. This is the last “school” day for the kids until Tuesday. I think that will be a nice break.
The boy and I worked on dishes while Phil and our daughter worked out. The kids then worked on academics for a little while. That weekend feeling is strong even though we have no weekend-y plans. I got in some good reading time for the contest judging. In the middle of our son’s class meeting, our governor made the decision to close all Pennsylvania schools for the rest of the school year. I left the table to go see it for myself and cried in the bedroom. No goodbyes for my students. No collaboration with my co-workers. No closure for the school year. Everything I left at school is just there. I don’t have anything valuable or super important but it’s a weird feeling to not have it all wrapped up.
I tried to think about lunch but grief of all kinds is powerful. I mostly just ate whatever I could see, which is never good but sometimes necessary. We got through lunch. The kids had a little bit of extra screen time after Phil left for work. I told them that TV doesn’t count because it’s not individual face-in-a-screen. A storm moved through dropping sheets of rain and rushing wind. It adds to the stress a little to hear the wind blowing outside. Can’t something just be calm if the rest of the world is chaos? Apparently not.
I read some more and made a list of things to bake this weekend (more stress baking, yay!) and the kids did a little bit more academics and band and chore time to round out their day. Early in the week I had set out times for myself to write and I have yet to keep any of those appointments. So, I worked on a client project for close to an hour. I’m not doing my best work right now, but just doing some work is helpful.
Now it’s 3 o’clock and the kids are watching screens and I’m listening to the wind howl outside. I’m not going to start dinner prep yet, and I might just keep eating. We have a lot of knock-off Oreos in the house. Find comfort where you can, friends.
I went back to reading until Phil got home. We talked for a bit and I got some dinner things out and started. It was a pasta kind of night and we ate while watching the latest episode of LegoMasters. The rest of the family asked what I was interested in watching and I just couldn’t take another food show right now. After dinner, we encouraged the kids to get showers. Phil and I made the produce list for the week and looked up a recipe for the curry we want to make for Easter dinner. Once one child got in the shower, we called to talk to a friend who needed some encouragement and reminding to stay home during this pandemic. We offered to get what he needed from the store if necessary, and we promised to celebrate his birthday when this is all over, no matter the date.
The disappointments run deep for everyone for different reasons. It’s hard to believe that a month ago we couldn’t envision what our lives would be like. I won’t tell you that I’m hopeful, confident or unafraid. Sometimes I feel those things but mostly I feel uncertain, like hoping might be too much effort. Fear is a powerful force and it takes a powerful force to fight it. Sometimes I’m not sure I have it in me.
Collectively, though, I believe we have it in us. But we need each other like never before. We need to borrow hope from one another and we need to value each other enough to stay away for now. I think about the immense burden our leaders are bearing. Our governor has to make these difficult decisions while watching the numbers climb daily and there doesn’t seem to be anything that can stop it. We’re used to sending armies to defeat our enemies, but this battle requires that we go nowhere. Staying put feels like giving up. At least it does to me. I’m not a person of inaction, but there are ways to fight fear and hopelessness without leaving your home. It’s hard but not impossible.
I’m preaching to myself tonight. I barely believe the words I’m writing, but I believe that words have power and can change the world. I’ll keep using them as long as I’m able.
I’m sad tonight. Maybe that’s not all bad. I don’t want to get to the point in this whole thing where I’m closed off to all feelings. I want to feel, even when it hurts, because it means I’m still here. If you’re reading this, then you’re still here, too. Don’t give up, friend. We need you in this fight.
Day 28: Four weeks. Sleep was good last night. It’s a Friday that feels like a Saturday, a normal one anyway because there’s no “school” and Phil is at work. I keep forgetting it’s Friday. I listened to Pray As You Go because it’s Good Friday. Easter weekend. And it’s going to look so different than usual. No family gathered. No church celebration.
The kids are watching shows on TV and it makes me think of all the Saturday mornings I woke up and turned on the TV to whatever was on. We’re working on breakfast. I have a long list of baking things I want to do this weekend, some for Easter, some just because. And I’m planning to set aside some writing time today. Work feels good and is good.
We met briefly at 8 o’clock to lay out what we had to do today. I find it helpful if I tell the kids my intentions for the day as well so they don’t assume I have nothing to do. The kids folded towels and watched TV while I got started on work. Then they moved on to another cleaning project. I worked for about 90 minutes in total. I had a couple of meals/snacks to prep for the weekend, so I went to the kitchen and listened to an Office Ladies podcast while I washed dishes. Then I made an overnight oats recipe.
When the podcast episode was finished, I went looking for Andrew Peterson’s read aloud of The Wingfeather Saga book 1 and started listening to that while I made a brownie recipe from my nutrition/fitness program. The kids came into the kitchen and realized it was almost time for lunch. They had surprised themselves by how much they’d worked. They started getting lunch ready, with some help, and our daughter went out to get the mail. There was another small package from the grandparents that they tore into. It included some of those capsules that you put into warm water and they turn into something else. They were fascinated.
I finished the brownies while I ate lunch and listened to the first night of the reading. I washed another round of dishes because I want the kitchen to be cleanish for later baking and cooking projects. I started the second night of readings while I folded a load of laundry and ate a little more lunch. I want to work out in a little while, but it’s really windy outside and I’m not sure I’m going to enjoy it. Maybe I don’t always have to enjoy it. It’s a Friday that feels like a Saturday because there’s no school meetings or homework today and no one at the business behind our house. As if life was not disorienting enough!
I finished the second night of Wingfeather read-aloud. Time to get ready to work out.
It’s so windy outside. I didn’t want to go outside, but today’s workout is intervals and I haven’t yet found a cardio option I want to do inside for 2 minutes that compares to walking and running. So, I braved the elements. I was feeling really tired when I started but the fresh air and the biting wind woke me up pretty quickly. For those few minutes outside, I felt alive again. This is the fight I have on days when there’s not much to get me moving and out of bed. Sometimes just doing the next thing is the right thing.
I made a smoothie when I finished. I think I’ll spend some time reading this afternoon.
I did that while the kids watched YouTube and cleaned out a bin I asked them to sort through. I asked the kids to stop watching YouTube and they decided to play video games together. I put the clean dishes away while listening to more of Andrew Peterson read from On The Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness. I started some dinner prep, realizing almost too late that I needed more time to bake the sweet potatoes.
Phil came home with our vegetables, the goat meat for our Easter feast and a bunch of goodies from another stand at market: a baguette, some sweet breakfast treats and fresh pasta. I finished working on dinner. The kids took some extra time to finish the game they were playing. Phil took a shower. We ate dinner while watching a Bon Appetit video about all the ways to cook salmon. Because we were eating salmon for dinner.
The kids practiced band after dinner so they could watch more screens later. They’re still sorting through the bin, so it’s valid. I took a shower. It’s been kind of a lazy day. The kids are still wearing the pajamas they slept in last night. A day like this is okay. This is what I’m telling myself.
They went to bed around 8. I watched a bit of Netflix and worked on my cross-stitch. I had trouble falling asleep. During the day, my anxiety seems manageable, then sometimes when I lie down to sleep, it rushes to the surface.
Day 29: Holy Saturday. It’s a day often overlooked in the whole Easter weekend but especially appropriate this year. A day of waiting. Of darkness. Of uncertainty. I listened to Pray As You Go and read what the Book of Common Prayer told me to read for the Daily Office. I was struck by Psalm 88 with lines like these:
“You have put my friends far from me.”
“Will your loving-kindness be declared in the grave? your faithfulness in the land of destruction? Will you wonders be known in the dark? or your righteousness in the country where all is forgotten?”
“My friend and my neighbor you have put away from me, and darkness is my only companion.”
Sometimes I’m surprised anew by the words I read in an ancient text that have relevance to my modern life.
The kids are playing video games.
Friends from church left a plant on our porch sometime after we locked the house last night and woke up this morning. Phil must have found it when he left for work this morning.
It’s my brother’s birthday. We’re going to make some cupcakes to celebrate. And by “we” I mean “me” because it’s Saturday and the kids are on their own. While they finished a level of Lego Star Wars, I washed dishes and listened to Andrew Peterson read more chapters of book 1 of The Wingfeather Saga. Then I made the cupcakes. They look like muffins now that they’re out of the oven. Either I didn’t stir them enough or our oven is wonky. Either is a real possibility.
The kids are playing school now with their stuffed animals and dolls. It’s my favorite thing to watch happen because they make up real problems and assignments. I should be reading or doing something more productive than scrolling social media. I wrote a long sappy text to my brother and researched homemade masks. I still haven’t made one, but I think I’m going to try today. I drank more coffee and had a snack.
I went to the kitchen to do some reading, and not long after I had sat down, a van pulled into our driveway with people waving at us. I didn’t recognize them at first, but then our daughter’s best friend got out of the car and came toward the door. I called for my daughter and she and her friend waved at each other through the door. I asked her friend to leave what she brought on the porch and after she went back down the steps, our daughter stepped outside and said “hi” and “happy Easter” to her friend and her family. It’s so hard to watch them not be able to hug each other. Still, it was a nice surprise.
The kids came into the kitchen looking for lunch, so we gathered what we needed for that. I ate a salad and listened to an Office Ladies podcast. After I finished eating, I washed some dishes so I could make the frosting for the cupcakes. Frosted, the cupcakes look better and, don’t tell anyone, but I ate one because there was one that sort of fell apart coming out of the pan. Not too bad. I read a little more and then got ready to do my workout. I missed a call from one of my grandmas because my phone was on the charger. Sounds like we’ll get to see her via video tomorrow.
Partway through my workout, our landlord showed up to mow the lawn. This had been a source of stress/worry for me. We don’t now a lawnmower. It’s part of our lease that he takes care of lawn care. The grass has been getting pretty wild, and we haven’t seen our landlord all winter (not unusual). I was beginning to wonder if we would need to borrow a lawnmower and have a “class” on mowing the lawn.
I finished my workout and made a snack. It’ll be back to the dishes for me. The kids started laundry, which was going to be next on my list, but they’re in more desperate need of it than I am. We’re having homemade pizza tonight.
We burnt the pizza slightly, which was almost a problem for our son, but everyone ate it and was happy. We had the cupcakes for dessert. During dinner we watched Sight and Sound’s production of Jesus that was available to stream for free on the TBN app. It was so beautiful. I cried multiple times. I even got to snuggle with my son a bit. He’s not always into snuggles, but I could tell by his mood that he needed some attention and wasn’t able to ask for it.
Phil and I watched a couple of episodes of The Office as we filled the Easter baskets. The kids saw the candy earlier in the week when Phil got back from the grocery store and maybe we have them convinced the bunny still brought the candy. I don’t know. Both our kids still believe in all the things: Santa, tooth fairy, Easter bunny. I won’t lie: if it was all ruined during a pandemic, I wouldn’t be sorry.
I went to bed and read for a while.
Day 30: Let’s sit with that number for a moment. Thirty. Days. In some ways, it’s all normal and in a lot of other ways, it’s not normal at all.
I woke up and decided to go for a run. Easter sunrise service is one of my favorite things, but we haven’t participated in one for years. Under normal circumstances, we would have gone to one this morning, but it was canceled, of course. An early morning run is almost like a sunrise service for me.
It took me a little while to get ready, but I headed out around 7:30, intending to run for 30 minutes, and that’s what I did. It was cool and sunny and peaceful and I ran almost as far as I did last Sunday, at a slower pace, but honestly I’m just interested in getting it done, not getting it done fast.
When I got home, Phil was eating sunny side up eggs over sweet potatoes and offered to make me some. I made coffee, stretched, drank water and had some of the raspberry bread he brought home earlier in the week. We saved it for Easter morning, and it was delicious. My eggs were perfectly cooked, and I feel so loved. Breakfast is my love language.
I took a shower and Phil dug out his Easter outfit for online church–the suit he wore for our wedding. It’s pink from top to bottom, and it fits him loosely so it was almost comical to see him wearing it. He found an unopened package of McDonald’s cookies in the breast pocket. Because on our way from the church to the reception venue, our brother-in-law drove us through the McDonald’s drive-through. Thirteen-year-old expired cookies is a fun find.
As we readied ourselves–with communion elements–for online church, I told Phil I’d marry him again, especially knowing we would get to this point of our marriage. A place that’s mostly calm and good. There have been other seasons of our marriage where I’m not sure I would have said that I would do it all over again.
Online church was encouraging. We got to sing together and experience the sermon all at the same time. We took communion collectively though separate. And we had a good sermon discussion time afterward.
We have a full afternoon of food prep ahead of us, plus some online calls with family.
It’s night now. Bedtime was rough. The day is catching up with me. I’m irritable and cranky, and I’m afraid it’s my medication, or lack thereof. This may not be the best time to go off my blood pressure medication, but I can’t seem to say that to my doctor when she suggests it. We’ll try again tomorrow.
Our Easter dinner was African-inspired: goat curry, chapatis (flatbread), Formosan fried cabbage and samosas.
The kids set the table. It’s the first time we’ve eaten at the table in a month.
We had cheesecake for dessert. And took a walk between dinner and dessert. The kids rode their scooters and the sounds of joy as they coasted down the hill are some of my favorite things in the world right now.
So much food. Then we watched both episodes of John Krasinski’s Some Good News because I hadn’t shared those with the family yet.
We had a good time right up until bedtime and then it all went south. I hate how everything seems to turn on a dime. Like, there’s no warning that one of us is about to blow up. We’re holding too much inside, and I don’t know how to let it out in a healthy and productive way. Maybe that’s too much to ask.
A good night of sleep makes everything better, or at least more manageable.
The number of days I’m covering in a single post is getting longer. Maybe by next week I’ll be covering a whole week at a time. If you’re still following along, feel free to read these in as many chunks as you need to. A reminder: I’m doing this mostly for me and I’m letting you in on the ordinary, everyday stuff of this strange new life.
Day 22: I slept in, meaning that I didn’t get out of bed until after 7. I had scrolled social media for far too long before I decided it was time to get up. I made breakfast and coffee, paid a couple of bills, and now I’m at the computer, logging more diary entries for me and anyone else who cares.
By the time I finished blogging, it was 9 o’clock and the kids had still been watching screens. I heavily encouraged them to stop. I needed to get to the dishes, so I put on an Office Ladies podcast. Daughter put on her skates to go outside. Son decided active video games was not a screen and who am I to argue? Although I’m skeptical that Hot Pursuit is an active game. He does seem to move around quite a bit trying to get the car to do what he wants. Fifteen minutes of skating was enough for the girl, so she came in and resumed online shopping.
I finished the dishes and folded a load of laundry. I had a snack and did some reading and by 10:30, the boy was still playing video games. Saturdays, man. On the one hand, I want this day to feel different from school days, but the screens. Trying not to beat myself up about it too much. We gathered some lunch materials and went our separate ways. Just before lunch, a package arrived for the children full of random stuff to occupy their time. Also, a card from my grandmother lamenting the changes to Easter this year.
By noon, I was ready to do my workout for the day, so I suited up and again, highly encouraged the children to stop watching their videos and to please for the love of God finish their lunches. I watched a few minutes of the daily Pennsylvania briefing on coronavirus. More than 1,500 new cases in a day. I’m not hopeful this will end, but I was encouraged by the video our governor shared of the mask his wife made him. The directions for mask wearing are clearer and less daunting.
Both kids wandered into the kitchen just after I’d started my workout. The boy decided to take his RC car outside. The girl is trying to rest. She’s tired a lot lately, which normally would not be cause for concern, but anything even slightly out of the ordinary right now has me panicking on the inside. The RC car didn’t last long because it needed a rest. I finished my workout. Now the kids are making shopping lists and I’m headed outside to read. It’s a cool, calm day, overcast but spring-like. I want to be out there. I’m tired of the inside of my house.
I sat outside reading and was struck by the sounds of songbirds that I haven’t heard much or at all recently. I’ve read stories where people say they’re seeing birds they haven’t seen in a while. I’m wondering if that’s what is happening. Nature is taking back some ground. The squirrel that lives in our ornamental pear sure is cozy with our porch. It barely startles when we step outside.
It’s been a lazy afternoon. The kids watched screens for too long. They can’t be convinced to go outside which makes me feel like a failure mom. I looked up some recipes to make sure everything we needed was on the shopping list before Phil went to the store. He got off work later than anticipated, which is good for his hours, but I’m waiting on him to get dinner ready.
Well, I made it till almost 4 today before losing my $h!t. Technically, according to the kids’ schedule, it’s play time, but my son can’t come up with anything to do. I started listing things that he immediately rejected as “that’s not playtime,” and then I shouted and stormed off. I can’t be the entertainment director on this cruise along with all the other hats I’m supposed to be wearing. This ship’s going down, if that’s the case. I might have said that we should eliminate “play time” from the schedule if we can’t come up with anything to do. Never mind that no one has picked up an instrument all week nor did we do any chores today. Schedules are flexible, people!
He made his shopping list and I kept reading. By the time Phil got home from the store, it was nearing 5 o’clock. He spent an obscene amount of money, but the idea is that we won’t need to go back for at least two weeks. When you add up all our daily grocery trips from before, I’m sure we’d come close to this number, but it’s shocking to see it all at once. Our fridge and pantry are stocked full. There should be no one saying they have nothing to eat. That is not a problem right now.
I finished making dinner. We had planned to watch LegoMasters but the show must have taken a break this week, so it was a Supermarket Sweep episode first. Then we video called my parents because my grandma was over there for dinner and talked with her for a while. She wanted to see us. We did an episode of Mr. Bean after that, then put the kids to bed.
Phil and I watched the newest Brooklyn-99, then I went to bed to read.
Day 23: I like sleeping in on Sundays and not feeling rushed. But I miss going places and seeing people. I went to bed last night with a new fear haunting me: what if one of my kids got sick and needed to be in the hospital and we couldn’t be with them? Separation from my kids in a time of need is one of my biggest fears. I tried to calm those fears but my sleep was restless.
Now it’s morning and I’ve made coffee and pancakes are in progress (for me). We worked through our church’s Worship At Home guide and watched the sermon while having breakfast.
Interlude: I’m currently arguing with my son about nonsense. I’m at quarantine level gonna-lose-my-mind because of the people that live in this house with me. It’s little, minor annoyances, but oh. my. God. If this kid doesn’t have something to do 24/7, he whines until you want to stab something in your ears. (I’m being dramatic. No ears were harmed in the writing of this.) All I want to do right now is go outside and read a book, but I can’t leave my children unsupervised because they get right in each other’s spaces and annoy the living crap out of each other.
Back to the ship’s log.
Sermon finished, I prepared for a run. I mapped a new route because I needed some change. I overdressed. The last few times I’ve been out for a run, it’s been chillier than the temperature would suggest. Today, I tucked my gloves into my shorts. I only took my Buff in case I needed to cover my face when approaching another runner. I didn’t need long sleeves.
The change did me good. I could see the river. And neighborhoods we usually drive through on our way to school events. I only chose the route because I knew traffic would be lighter. It was hillier than I expected, but in the end, I posted my farthest distance at my fastest average pace since August. If I’d been dressed more appropriately, it would have been perfect.
This time last year, we were running a 5K in a state park together as a family, so I wore the shirt from that run, in the hopes that later this year we’ll be able to run in races together again.
When I got home, Phil was working out and yelling at the children to get off screens. Maybe I should have more grace about this, but I’m tired of YouTube and online shopping. I took a quick shower before our sermon discussion class was scheduled to meet via Zoom. (I’m also really wanting to see people in person. Technology is not the same.) We had a good discussion time.
The kids started making mac and cheese while we finished our sermon discussion. They did it all themselves, so there’s progress. I set out making my salad for the day, which included cabbage, chicken and apples. I made double so I have some for tomorrow, and even a single portion was huge.
I probably needed to drink more water because I was just hungry for everything. I ate a small portion of the rest of the kids’ mac and cheese. Phil and I talked about the rest of the day’s schedule. We didn’t have any family or friends video calls to make, so the afternoon was kind of wide open. We decided to do some work on the garden.
We headed out there about 1:30 and gave our best effort at the weeds and grasses. Our son joined us for most of the time we were out there. We told our daughter that she would be responsible for chore time for half the time we were out in the garden if she didn’t come out and help. (Spoiler alert: She didn’t come out and help. We found her “sleeping” in her bed when we came in.)
Phil got ready to go to another grocery store. Yesterday’s trip, as extensive as it was, didn’t yield everything that was on our list. And, I’m going to be honest, we need a little more alcohol in the house. (We’re sharing a beer once a week, in case you’re concerned. I have more I could say about this particular coping mechanism, but I won’t right now.) I started washing dishes while we initiated a conversation with the kids about chores and school schedules. The current system is not working because our son is inflexible. If something academic overlaps another time on his schedule, he doesn’t go back and complete that block. So, I decided maybe a checklist system would be better.
Phil left and the kids contemplated what other snacks they might want or need from the store. I made the checklist and we’ll review it later as a family. I’m hoping this will work. Also, the mental energy required to solve all these problems right now is exhausting.
Now the kids are sitting on opposite sides of the living room asking each other ridiculous questions. But they’ve been given a deadline for getting their laundry done and we’ve told them no more screens today. (When we say this, we generally mean individual screens. Television is okay if we’re watching as a family.) I’m not hopeful the laundry is going to get done, but that just means early bed time! We don’t mess around here. (Okay, sometimes we’re not as serious as we want to be about consequences but this time we definitely are!)
I’ve had a snack and updated the journal. Do I dare go outside and read while they’re unsupervised in the living room? I just might.
I did. And they decided to play outside together in the back parking lot. By the time Phil got home, I was starting to cook the bacon to top our salad. He suggested we take a family walk and asked if it should be before or after dinner. The kids decided after. So, I assembled the salad and we ate dinner while watching a couple of Alton Brown videos on YouTube.
It was a gorgeous night for a walk. Both kids took RC cars, although the one our daughter was driving didn’t quite live up to its purpose in life. We did a large loop of the neighborhood, swinging through the Costco parking lot because they were closed or nearly so. Quite a few people in the parking lot wearing masks. Our friend David called while we were walking, so we talked to him almost the whole way home.
The kids asked for ice cream. And then they started to fight over getting their laundry done, so we almost cancelled the ice cream offer. I sat the kids down at the table to talk through the school schedule for this week and introduced them to the new checklist I made. I hope it will offer them more flexibility for completing their required duties while also balancing their screen time. Phil looked for a movie to watch, and then our son threw a fit about needing to eat more food and not being able to find his water and we decided not to watch a movie. Now, we’re arguing about shower time again. We’re going to need to start marking the days that we bathe so we know how long it’s been. (Please tell me, we’re not the only ones.)
We managed to get both kids bathed. Our daughter started reading a compilation of Edgar Allan Poe works because we’re limiting screen time starting tomorrow. They went to bed around 8. Phil and I shared a beer, ate some snacks and watched the first episode of The Story of God with Morgan Freeman on Netflix. It was interesting. A friend dropped off some goodies for our garden. I wish I could have run outside and hugged her, but it was still comforting to know we were thought of.
Day 24: Another restless night. Will I ever sleep well again? I think I was dehydrated from the run, the gardening, the walk and the beer. I downed some water at 5 a.m. after taking my temperature (normal) and my blood pressure (a little high on the bottom number but that was before my meds). I finished book 1 in The Wingfeather Saga before I got out of bed. The kids were not on screens when I went to the living room, although my son wanted to discuss whether listening to a YouTube video counted as screens if he wasn’t actually watching. They are on screens now, but they know their time is limited.
I ate breakfast, then went to the porch to see what “the Easter bunny” left us last night. I was blown away by the size of these seedlings. I don’t think we’ll need anything else for our garden this year. Plus my friend brought us a variety of seeds to plant directly in the ground. Now, to secure a tiller so we can get to the planting. We’ve never in the history of our garden planted anything as early as April. It’s usually Mother’s Day or later by the time we get everything together. I don’t think it will be that late this year.
I printed some materials for my nutrition and exercise program and made a plan for the week. Last week, I failed to set times and intentions for my writing time. Even though I don’t have a lot of external motivation to get the writing done, I have to make space and time for it. So, I blocked out some times for that as well as the times for the kids’ school meetings and my workouts. We briefly met about the kids’ educational plan for today/this week. I’m feeling a little better about it now.
The kids transitioned to active time and my son wanted to use his RC car in the back parking lot, but that business is still open and I don’t like him to be back there when there are cars potentially in and out. So, I laced up my sneakers and we went for a short walk. When we got back, Phil and our daughter were getting ready to work out and our son decided to join in. So, their active time is done for the day. While they worked out, I called about my medication to let them know I was waiting on an answer from the foundation I applied to for assistance with the cost. Then I washed the dishes and ate a snack.
It’s almost 3 o’clock and and the kids are on screens because they earned it and I feel 100 percent better about how this day has gone so far. They spent the allotted time on academics (and a little more), did some chores, practiced band and were active. NOW, they can relax a bit and stuff still got done. Maybe the newness of it will wear off in a day or two but today, I call it a victory.
One of my daughter’s assignments was to build a tower taller than herself and then write eight sentences about it. She decided to use our jigsaw puzzle collection and I helped her haul them off the shelving unit where we keep them. Everything was really dusty, so I took the opportunity to clean and vacuum around that area. Turns out we have 49 puzzles and 24 of them we got on trips somewhere, including our honeymoon. Not bad. Not bad at all. After touching all the puzzles, I want to pick another one to do. Maybe something less challenging than the last one.
I did my workout but I took it easy because of the dehydration. Something is better than nothing is what I keep telling myself. I ended up tuning in to part of the daily news conference from our state. The last two days have been steady for new cases, but it’s too soon to tell if we’ve peaked. Jesus, Lord, I hope so. Earlier in the day, I learned that the writing retreat at which I was schedule to be a presenter in June has been cancelled. It didn’t surprise me but it is another loss. We had so many fun plans for the summer. I’m wondering if we’ll get to do any of them.
It’s a gorgeous day. I opened windows. My time outside working out was invigorating and refreshing. I slotted myself for some work time this afternoon, but I think I’m going to bump it to the evening. It’s just too nice not to be outside. I don’t have to get an early start on dinner. It’s okay to take care of myself and do things that fill me with joy and peace. It’s a lesson I’m still learning and one I hope I can continue to take from all of this.
I was sitting on the porch reading when Phil got home from work. I transitioned back inside just to spend some time with him. I made dinner. We watched an episode of America’s Test Kitchen. I wanted to go back outside to read for a while, and the kids decided to play outside. All of us, excepting Phil, spent about another hour outside. Then we ate ice cream and watched another episode of Nailed It!
I put the kids to bed, and not long after that, I put myself to bed because I’ve just been feeling a little off today.
Day 25: I slept better last night but still had a couple of vertigo moments. I didn’t write much about those yesterday. I suspect it’s a combination of dehydration and sinus stuff. My nose has been running, and I have classic allergy symptoms. This happened a couple of months ago. I had to take a day off work because I didn’t trust my balance. I’ve also been feeling flushed off and on, but I don’t have a fever (not one that registers on our thermometer). Under normal circumstances, I would not even worry about this stuff but now I’m internally freaking out. I’m not having any trouble breathing, so that’s my one consolation. Still, it sucks to not be feeling “normal” physically. I might take the day off from working out today and try to get some extra rest.
I listened to Pray As You Go, then watched the second episode of John Krasinski’s Some Good News on YouTube. I cried. It’s such pure joy. When I got out of bed, my son had already done some of his math academic work and my daughter was reading. She’s got some allergy symptoms going on, too, so she loaded up on fruit for breakfast, including breaking into the juice box stash that’s usually for school. (I’m not sure we’re going to need them for school.) Now they’re doing 30 minutes of screens before we check in for academics.
I made oatmeal for breakfast and am drinking coffee. This is not thrilling stuff, friends, but it is the stuff of life.
Around 8, the kids worked on getting dressed, which was more of a chore than it has been There was a little bit of annoyed fighting. I did not get dressed because I wanted to take a shower. The kids were moving into active time/chore time, so I was a little bit frustrated. My daughter watered the plants. My son put his stuffed animal friends in the washer. Then they went outside to the porch and I took a shower. Can I take a moment and celebrate our porch? It’s literally like an extra room. I’m grateful we have more space than probably most two-bedroom apartments have. Still, it doesn’t always feel like enough space. But when it’s nice outside, the porch is like an extension. We can play out there or read or just put a little distance between ourselves and the other people in the house. (This is how I use the porch.)
After showering, I folded a couple of loads of laundry and listened to the Office Ladies podcast. The kids came back in. We transferred the stuffed animals to the dryer and I started dishes. My son wanted to check off his chore time so he decided to dry dishes. It doesn’t take any more time for him to do this. Sometimes I relish the alone time in the kitchen, but he’s a good helper and now the counters are clear as well as the dishes being done. So, win-win. Our daughter moved to academic time. She’s solving area of triangles problems. Our son practiced band. The new schedule seems to be working and I’m not sorry.
Sometimes this all feels normal, and that scares me a little. Because it’s not normal. Or what we used to think of as normal. There are moments I can convince myself that nothing is wrong with the world, that this is just a typical day in our lives. I don’t know what to do with that feeling. I don’t want to forget what life was like before nor do I want to forget what life is like now.
The rest of the morning went pretty smoothly. The boy took a quick shower before his class meeting. This is usually an area where we fight to get him to do it. Daughter and I cleared some things from the table and she went back to her homework. We watched some TV together at lunch. There’s a channel on our TV that plays Nickelodeon games and it takes me back to my childhood a little. Daughter checked in with her band teacher at noon while son had his small group meeting with his teacher. During afternoon academics, he and I sat together and worked on a writing assignment. This is a trickier area for him, so I practiced presence and patience like I do with my kids at school. Sometimes they just need to know someone is there and believes they can do it.
I worked out after that, literally running circles around the outside of my house. I had a tiny bit of vertigo while I was warming up, just when I was lying down, so I wanted to stay close to home. The previous tenant (see post about Virgil Wander) would have worried that she looked like a crazy person running circles around her house. Now, I don’t care. My neighbor is wearing a mask 24/7 and I can count more people than not wearing masks when they walk by the house. This world is different.
I had to hold the line on shower time with our daughter who wanted her extra screen time before she’d finished everything else on the list. That’s not fair to our son, so there was some crying and disappointment but she practiced band and did more academics and she’s showering now. It’s almost 4 o’clock. Too early to start dinner. I’ve been reading on the porch for about 45 minutes, trying to get ahead of the box of books arriving tomorrow. (It’s paid work from now till the summer. Still, I like to get started as soon as possible.) Also, the book I’m reading is a page-turner that I’ve read before.
Dinner started and made. We watched an episode of America’s Test Kitchen. I was really tired after that but Phil suggested we play a game or start a puzzle. The problem with starting a puzzle is that our dining table has become a work area for the kids with school, so I’m afraid we’d lose the momentum there. The kids decided on a game–Ticket to Ride–but our son insisted on playing on someone’s team. We decided he was fully capable of playing on his own. We had a bit of a standoff about this but eventually he gave in and the four of us played. It was one of the best games of Ticket to Ride we’ve ever played.
It was after 8 by the time we finished and closer to 8:30 by the time we got the kids in bed. Then our friend David called and we talked to him for a bit. We watched a couple of episodes of The Office after that and went to bed.