Beauty on the Backroads

Day 19: I think I understand why people in isolation or confinement find ways to mark their days. I’m thinking of the stereotypical lines on the wall of the prison cell or torn cloth tied around a stick to mark the passage of time. I don’t think I could have told you we’d been doing this for 19 days if I wasn’t keeping track. It is both heartening and disheartening.

Breakfast, as usual. Educational check-in at 8. Our sixth-grader is fairly independent when it comes to her schooling. She’s checking off her assignments regularly. I can relate. I would be tearing through these lists just to have something to do. Our son is more choosy. He likes math and games, so he’s gravitating towards those, but today I pushed him a little to choose some reading or writing ones. He did work on a math problem. Then we tried to play a math card game, but we had a difference of opinion. After a little bit of time, we worked it out and went back to it, but I’m sure I said things I didn’t mean. This was really the first day my husband got to witness all this goodness.

I washed some dishes and started some laundry. I published a blog post about the late weekend/early week. I made a snack and tried to sift through all these feelings in my head. Phil cleaned around his desk area some more, opening up another work space for the kids, if they so chose. I got our son set up on his class call, then I worked on cleaning off the top of the bookshelf in our bedroom. There’s a ton of running memorabilia from last year that is just stacked up. I don’t know exactly what to do with all of it, but I’ll figure something out. I want to collect all of our workout equipment in one place as well. 

Phil went to his counseling appointment and stopped at the pharmacy to see if they had ice packs. He overdid his workouts in the past week and now his knee is hurting a little. There were no ice packs.

When the class call was over, it was almost lunchtime and we started to have a little bit of the breakdown that happened yesterday. We made it through. The kids opted to watch YouTube, so I ate my lunch in the kitchen with Virgil Wander. I will now be referring to my life and actions prior to coronavirus as “the previous tenant.” If you’ve read the book, you’ll understand. If not, well, maybe you should read the book. 🙂

I put on my workout clothes to prep for a run when Phil got home. Google calendar reminded us there was a band Zoom call at noon, so we got ready for that. When Phil got home, I tried to unload my feelings on him, but he offered me a solution that just made me mad, so I was sufficiently fueled with anger for my run.

This was the longest run since last August. The kids and I participated in a 5K with a Dairy Queen Blizzard as part of the finishing swag, and that was the last time I’d run more than 2 miles. I’m not actually sure how much of the 5K I ran since it was me and the kids. Today, I logged 2.21 miles in 28 minutes. I’m in the last week of my C25K program, which ends with a 5K. Under normal circumstances, we would have been running a 5K this weekend at Cowan’s Gap State Park, but that race has be postponed. I’m eager to get back to having things to look forward to.

There were a lot of people out and normally I wouldn’t adjust my route, but I adjusted it every time I saw someone in my path. Sometimes I was running almost down the middle of the road, but there is less traffic on the road, so I guess that’s okay. When I got home, I checked the mail. We got a wedding invitation, which is a strange thing to receive in the middle of a national isolation, but it offers hope. I  made a smoothie after I stretched. I tried to explain to Phil what I was feeling earlier, that I didn’t need him to offer me a solution, and then our communication broke down a little more. It’s just one of those days. He put the hot dogs and sauerkraut in the crockpot for dinner. Wednesdays are his night to cook, even now when we’re all at home.

The kids got back to academics. I decided it was time to bake. The kids have been digging in to my Thin Mints stash, which is dwindling quickly and I don’t think I can afford to pay $4 a box to restock, so I grabbed some cookbooks and picked a couple of things I could make fairly quickly.

First up: no-bakes. A sweet staple in our family. Oats. Peanut butter. Cocoa powder. They’re practically healthy. (Except for all the sugar and butter!) These came together easily. Phil and I continued our talk and I was sobbing by the time I was halfway through the cooking. I’m not really letting my real feelings and grief out regularly. I’m so sad for so many things personally right now, and this unexpected season has me remembering the days when I felt like I had no purpose outside of this house and family, which was never enough for me. I’ve tasted the sweet fruit of finding fulfillment in a job and friendships and projects, and now I feel like everything is gone.

I put the no-bakes in the freezer to cool and started in on the second recipe: butterscotch blondies. These are now cooling on the counter, and the kids are already expressing their gratitude for the sweet snacks that are to come. Our daughter attended her writing class. Our son is playing a demolition derby game on his tablet. It’s now 3 p.m. and everyone is on a screen. I’m hoping I can encourage them to get outside for a bit. It was chilly earlier. It’s getting nice out now.

I read outside for a bit. And took a shower. Phil rested and scrolled the streaming apps for a dinner movie. We landed on SpaceJam, so we ate and watched. It’s nostalgic, these basketball players from what I consider the glory days of the NBA. I haven’t watched much pro basketball in years. Our son enjoyed it. It’s the closest thing he’s getting to sports right now. We paused the movie to video chat with family. Then my son wanted to take another RC-car walk, so we did that while it was still light out. It’s only about 15 minutes, but the more fresh air I get in my day, the better I feel.

We went back to the movie, and I curled up next to my husband, feeling like I needed to sleep. It was kind of an all-over-the-place emotional day, and I think I was just tired.

When the movie finished, it was bedtime. I grabbed a couple of no-bakes and we settled in for some episodes of The Office.

It was morning. It was evening. Another day.

Day 20: Does anyone else feel like they’ve lived a decade in the last 20 days? I can hardly remember what normal is like and I suspect things will never be “normal” again.

The alarm went off at 6:15. I grabbed my earbuds and listened to Pray As You Go. I’m not an auditory learner, so sometimes it’s hard to pay attention. The host will ask a question about something that previously played and I won’t remember what the previous thing was because I was drifting in my mind. Still, the songs and voices are a comforting way to wake up.

Breakfast and reading. Virgil Wander is one of those stories that carries you along because you can’t really see where it’s going. At 8, we met for educational check-in and got started. Daughter had some word problems that gave her trouble. I tagged Phil in for those, not because I’m bad at math but because I overthink the word problems sometimes. I sat with our son and worked through his options. It was a good and productive hour. I put some more letters in the mail. Our son ended up reading until about 9:15, then he went outside with Phil and tossed a baseball. Daughter went to the porch to skate, then we put a couple of letters in the mail from her to people she’s been thinking about.

I washed the dishes, folded laundry and put some blankets in the wash. That’s the laundry phase I’m at right now–blankets. It feels good to be staying on top of the daily chores. I’m having trouble working up the energy for extra projects, though. Phil made a phone call about our auto loan, which we got deferred for three months. We breathed a sigh of relief knowing that and his student loan are on hold for now.

Our son met with his class at 10. Daughter was online shopping for shoes and crafts and other things she might want someday. I sat on the couch to read and missed a call from my doctor’s office about next week’s appointment, which can be a telehealth appointment. I’m excited to not have to go to a medical office for a check-up. I texted with a friend and listened in, partially, on the class call. Phil and I talked briefly about the food plan for the weekend. He will go to the store, probably on Saturday, to resupply some things.

Lunch time. Screens. We’re talking about taking a walk later because the sun is shining and the temperatures are pleasant.

We did take a walk. It was windy but sunny and mostly pleasant. Our son brought the RC car. We encountered no other people, which was surprising. When we got back, it was a little early for academic time but both kids decided to jump in and get started. When my son got settled, I did some pre-dinner prep. I’m finding these afternoon hours difficult because the kids need my computer. It won’t always be this way. I read some more of Virgil Wander. When my daughter’s writing class was over, I started working on a shopping list for the weekend grocery run.

Phil came home from work around 3. I read. The kids watched screens. Dinner won’t take long to come together, so now I’m just waiting for a more appropriate time to get back to it. I don’t mind all the reading time. Sometimes I still feel guilty about not doing other stuff. I have some more cleaning projects to work on, and I still want to establish a better schedule for my own writing and work time. Maybe tonight.

Our son worked on a cardboard project in his room. He wanted to make a cubby for all of his stuffed animals. I think he got it just right.

Phil and I talked and I read while he made his eggs for tomorrow’s breakfast/lunch. Then I got to work on the rest of dinner, a Hawaiian chicken bowl with barbecue sauce. (Not my own recipe.) The kids chose another Bon Appetit YouTube video about all the ways to cook bacon. We had a little bit of a breakdown of manners after that, so we turned the TV off. There were odors emanating from the children so I bribed them to take showers: finish them by 7 p.m. and we can watch the first episode of the new season of Nailed It! There was some crying and misunderstanding. Our daughter’s been fighting a little bit of a headache. We all have the allergies. She took a tyelenol and our son got in the shower. Then my mom called to tell me a story from today and we chatted for a bit while I organized the grocery list. I want Phil to be able to get in and out as quickly as possible. He does his fair share of shopping, so it’s not like he doesn’t know the store, but having the list categorized will make it easier.

Second shower is in progress, past the deadline, but I’m a softie, so as long as we’re all back in the living room by 7:15, we’ll watch the promised episode.

Episode watched. Giggles in abundance. Sometimes laughter IS the best medicine. I put the kids to bed and drew a bath. My muscles were aching and even though the effort of bathing felt like too much, it was a relief to relax and take care of myself.

I wanted to catch up on some writing work, so I put on Bridget Jones’ Diary as background, the kind of movie I know so well that I don’t have to give it my full attention. More self-care as the weekend approaches, although the weekend right now is almost the exact same as every other day now.

Day 21: Three. Weeks. Unbelievable. I’m having trouble believing it’s going to get better. Hearing reports of entire counties that are not practicing social distancing. Of churches defying stay-at-home orders because of “religious freedom.” I have not left my house except to walk or run in 19 days. I want my job back. I want to see my friends.

When I woke up this morning, I’d been dreaming that my car was parked at a local university and I was inside a building for whatever reason. I came out and the two passenger side doors were wide open. Apparently, I’d forgotten to lock the car. All of our CDs were taken, which is about all there is of value inside the car. Then I scrolled my phone trying to figure out who to call: campus security? the police? I think Isabelle drove us home. Because apparently the kids were with me and also old enough to drive. As if waking life isn’t stressful enough, I have to have these weird stress dreams right now, too. This is not the weirdest stress dream I’ve ever had, and I’m no good at interpreting them, but I know I’m grieving losses in my life and this is just one illustration of that.

Lord, have mercy. I wish that was my first thought when things go awry. Instead, it’s shouting and frustration and trying to find a way to escape these circumstances. There is no escape. There is only through. This is the hardest lesson to learn.

Online learning was a struggle this morning, especially with my son. Apparently none of us got a good night’s sleep. Maybe we’ll be napping later. But it started out when he checked his math problem from yesterday and his teacher told him to check it again. “It makes no sense,” is his standard reply when things get hard. And maybe it doesn’t make sense. But I don’t know how to help. He worked for a little while on a Google Slides project then took a pre-test about food production, which only frustrated him more. For one of the questions, his answer was six ROWS of question marks. I told him that was rude and if he didn’t know the answer it was okay to say, “I don’t know” but not to put a string of question marks. My kid might not have any new math or science skills when all of this is over but if I can teach him to not be an asshole, I will have done my job.

We both walked away frustrated. He threw his stuffed animals across the room and told me to leave him alone. I went to the bedroom and cried. My daughter needed my computer to get on her math Zoom call, so I pulled myself together for a few seconds and got her started. Then I did a crossword puzzle on my phone app. I went in and tried to talk to my son, but he was holding the line at “It makes no sense,” refusing to open his mind to learning. I left again. He decided to read. I talked to him again just before his class meeting was to start. He decided he was able to do that.

I made a snack and changed out the laundry while he chatted with his class. Our daughter did some online shopping. (She’s just looking, not buying.) I read while listening to his class meeting a bit. This time of transition is hard. I feel like by the time we find a good rhythm for online school, it will either be a) time to go back to school (I do not hold out a lot of hope for this) or b) summer.

We gathered lunch. I went outside to get the mail. I sent an email about my paycheck that was supposed to be deposited today. Apparently there was a glitch and we should have it by the end of the day. Still … it’s frustrating. EVERYTHING is frustrating right now and I don’t know how to have patience with any of it. I want things to work like they’re supposed, but I don’t even know how to work like I’m supposed to.

Kids are watching screens. I’m going to try to finish Virgil Wander before we attempt afternoon activities.

I finished it. This is the only goal I seem to have right now: read books and finish them. My daughter and I got ready to do her Girls on the Run lesson, or at least start it since by the time I finished the book it was almost 12:30. My son started academic time while the girl and I ran laps around the house answering questions about comfort zones and stretch zones. For the second part of it, she skated on the porch and I sat inside because I wanted to conserve some energy for my workout.

They both set up to do more academic time, and I set out to do my cardio intervals. It was a decent workout. Chilly with a tiny bit of rain droplets. I helped my son with his academics for a bit. After that, our daughter tuned in to her writing class. Son transitioned to screens. I made a snack and a pudding recipe for snacks upcoming in the meal plan. Then I started gathering things for dinner. We were grilling brats and having potato pancakes, the latter being a bit labor intensive. So, I washed dishes, peeled and shredded potatoes and listened to two Office Ladies podcasts. I kicked the kids off screens after 4 o’clock and waited to hear from Phil so we knew when to start the coals. I took a phone call from a woman from church. It was nice to hear her voice and have a short chat.

Our daughter readied the chimney with newspaper and emptied the ashes from previous grilling. Together, we lit the newspaper despite the wind and by the time Phil got home, the fire was roaring. We put away the vegetables Phil brought home and he put the brats on the grill before getting in the shower. I turned the brats a few times while our daughter found a recipe to dress up our peas for a vegetable side.

Altogether, dinner was pleasant. The peas turned out delicious. The brats were well-cooked. Potato pancakes are always a comfort food, especially when slathered with sour cream (or in our case, Greek yogurt). We watched another Bon Appetit episode about cooking tomatoes.

Our governor asked everyone to wear masks when leaving the house now. This news depresses and saddens me. Our son wanted to take a walk with his RC car after dinner, and I told him that we had to find things to cover our faces, in case we couldn’t socially distance ourselves. He grabbed a scarf. I put on my running Buff. We took a short walk. Because it’s cool we didn’t encounter many people.

The sky looked especially blue to me, and I wondered if all of this staying at home was actually healing our planet. Fewer cars. Less air travel. I don’t like the correlation that suffering can lead to good things, but I have to believe that not everything is all bad.

Now we’re killing time before bedtime. There’s a vehicle incident of some kind on the highway near our house and we can hear a dozen sirens. We’ve become those neighbors up in everybody’s business without actually leaving our house.

I took a shower while the kids dug into the brownies and tried not to annoy each other for the remaining hour before bedtime. The rest of that time was kind of a blur. We settled the kids in bed. With Phil’s adjusted schedule, he doesn’t have to go to bed as early on Fridays. Now I’m finishing Bridget Jones’ Diary because I got too tired last night to watch it all.

I’m sure I’ll be in bed earlier tonight after the restless night last night. As Bridget would say, “I’m off to bedfordshire.”

Day 16: These days just keep going. We got up and made breakfast and worked our way through our church’s Worship At Home guide, listening to some songs, reading a Psalm and watching the sermon.

After the sermon, I got ready for a run while Phil and the kids got ready for their at-home workout. I ran, finally completing 2 miles in 25 minutes. It was overcast and cool. I overdressed, but I was pleased with my performance. I only saw a couple of people out walking their dogs. The kids and Phil were just finishing a workout when I got home. I stretched, ate a snack, drank a bunch of water and got ready for a shower.

At 10:45, we tuned in to our sermon discussion class. We had a lot to talk about. I was pretty sure I saw a mouse run through the background in the church sanctuary during the sermon. After we presented that news, it was a lively discussion about the next chapter of Acts.

A quickish lunch and then we had a scheduled video call with Phil’s brother and family–the niece/cousin we video called last week. We had a nice long chat/visit. It makes the distance and the days seem less distance-y.

We talked about dinner plans after the call and sort of came up with an idea. Then I took one look at the state of the kitchen and decided to do dishes. Our Sunday rhythm is generally different than our other days, even when we aren’t living through a pandemic, so the dishes had piled up for almost two full days. Fortunately, it didn’t take too long for me to wash them all. The kids played outside a bit and one tried to rest. Why is it that I start to drag at about 4 o’clock every day? I worked on a blog post for the past few days of journaling while Phil went for a run.

It’ll be dinner prep when he gets back and our plan is to watch LegoMasters tonight since we totally forgot about it last night while watching Jumanji. 

We made a homemade pizza with a no-yeast crust. I found a packet of yeast in the pantry, but it expired in 2017 so I figured it probably wouldn’t have worked. The crust recipe Phil found worked great, though. We topped the pizza with slices of American cheese, chopped pork, sliced red onion, frozen broccoli and an orange ginger sauce. Phil made a spicy aioli to top it all off, and it was delicious. We’re learning again to flex our creative cooking muscles so we can use up what we have without running to the store all the time.

While we ate, we video called my parents just to check in. We don’t always have a lot to report, but it’s always good to see faces and hear voices and find out what isolation is like in other parts of the country. We watched LegoMasters, then we reviewed the kids’ emails from their teachers about the online learning opportunities that start this week. Trying to get back to a schedule of some kind starting tomorrow. We talked on the phone to our friend, David. He lives alone and is having trouble with this coronavirus isolation. It has thrown off his schedule, and we can’t invite him over for meals or anything.

Phil and I watched a couple of episodes of The Office after the kids went to bed, then it was off to bed for us, too.

Day 17: The days are starting to blend, but at least today begins something new. Online learning opportunities for the kids in our district. I’m going to be honest and say that I’m kind of bummed about this as it relates to my job. I’m not getting paid by my employer, and I have no access to any online learning tools my students use, so there’s nothing I can do to help or participate in this. And it sucks. I give a lot of my time, energy, and self to my students. I miss them and I want to be involved in their learning. I worry about them. Most of them have IEPs and I’m afraid they’re going to fall behind further. I worry that I won’t get to say good-bye before they go to high school because we won’t go back to school.

My own children will benefit, I guess, from my lack of contact with my students. I can try to help them. But their learning is not my specialty. I wonder, too, what will happen with the sixth-graders this year. They usually get to visit the middle school and get clapped out of their elementary school before moving on to seventh-grade. There’s no one to blame if these things don’t happen, but man, the milestones and missing things.

Breakfast and reading and screens before starting “school.” The kids already had academic time built into their self-made schedule at 8 a.m. So, at the appointed hour, after getting dressed, we sat down and looked at their options for the day. My son needed a little more help than my daughter, but eventually they were ready. I helped Phil take the garbage out, wrote out a check for rent, and took a stack of letters to the mailbox. One of the assignments my son wanted to do was a math game with a deck of cards, so I played that with him. My daughter did some math problems her teacher had assigned.

My doctor’s office called and we agreed to cancel my appointment for next Monday, and they would call me when they have my medicine. I’m hoping the paperwork I sent in will take care of the last hurdle and that the pharmacy can send the medication no problem.

At 9, I needed to wash dishes. The kids looked at their P.E. “assignment” and went outside, but we had two incidents with a jump rope within a few minutes, and I was ready to give up this whole home-schooling idea. They worked it out. I finished the dishes and started making a baked oatmeal recipe that’s part of my fitness program’s meal plan. Then it was time to get the kids set up on Zoom calls. Our son’s was smooth sailing because he’s been doing this for a week now. Our daughter had trouble logging in to her class’s, and I started to get frustrated. Phil did his workout in the living room, and I gave up on the Zoom meeting to finish making the baked oatmeal. I also realized I hadn’t eaten anything in few hours since breakfast, so I had a snack, which helped with my mood. I know we’re all new to this distance/online learning thing, but I like it when technology works.

We made lunch. And I decided after lunch that it was nice enough to go outside and work in the garden. I got ready about 11:30 and invited the kids to join me when it was chore time at noon.

The dead plants and grasses came up pretty easily because of all the rain over the weekend. Still it was hard work. Whether it was the sunshine or just working the land, my mood started to improve. The kids came out and together we cleared a good bit of the garden. It’s nowhere near ready to plant, but it looks like we’re preparing for something. A neighbor passed by with her two kids. We often see them out walking or riding bikes. We talked for a while about gardens and our lack of work. It was a short visit but these days especially it’s always nice to connect with other humans in person.

We gave up after about an hour. We didn’t quite make it down to dirt, but there’s progress.

I changed into workout clothes and the kids did some more academic time. They watched a video about germs together and then separated. Our son did some learning about clouds and completed a math problem. Our daughter watched one of her teachers do some baking and then had the assignment to write her own script for a recipe. She’s still working on it. Her writing class hosted by my writer friend was after that. I texted with a teacher friend and she’s going to drop off some goodies for our garden. This is the hope of spring.

I did my workout, which was a ladder interval: 5 minutes, then 4, 3, 2, and 1 at different intensities. I really enjoyed it. I ran/walked almost 2 miles doing the intervals.

Now it’s screens and some dinner prep. I just learned that our schools are closed indefinitely. I have so many feelings. Also, my husband’s work is going to try to get him 40 hours every week even though the market is closed one day of the week, and even if he doesn’t get 40 hours, they are going to pay him for 40 hours. What a blessing.

I made dinner while our son did some more science. Our daughter received the school news not well so the late afternoon has been a little emotional. We watched some episodes of a YouTube series from Bon Appetit where a guy cooks stuff a bunch of different ways. The kids and Phil had started a pizza episode at lunch so we finished that. Now they’re laughing/shrieking at a steak episode.

I took a shower as Phil got ready for bed. The kids started to fight a little bit. Our son wanted to watch YouTube while folding his laundry but I said no because we’ve had a lot of screens today. He did manage to fold the entire basket. I promised them we could play a game if we could have about 20 minutes of down time. They were on their devices at that point, but I’m picking my battles.

I finished a book and then asked them to pick a game we could play in the last hour before bedtime. They picked a states and capitals bingo game, which took less brain power than I thought it would. We had a good time and they both went to bed in a better mood. I know they want to spend time with me, or want me to spend time with them, but these days are draining on my energy. I’ll try a better balance tomorrow.

They went to bed. I grabbed a snack, put on the latest episode of Outlander and did my nails. (Color Street strips on the toes and the fingers.) I do have my moments of just wanting to give up, but taking care of myself in small ways helps my mental health. I’m wearing bras (sorry if that’s TMI), shaving my legs, brushing my teeth, wearing deodorant, and combing my hair. Maybe I’ll put on some lipstick one of these days just for fun. I’m worth it even if I don’t leave the house. This is what I have to remind myself of.

Now, I’m going to pick a book from the library digital collection and head to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

Day 18: Hey, it’s another day! And it’s 4 o’clock before I’m journaling anything about it. I’m growing tired of the monotony. And we had kind of a rough morning.

Everyone was awake before 6. I mentioned this to the children, who sassily told me they just needed to pee, but then I’m pretty sure they headed to the living room for screens. I scrolled my phone and listened to Pray As You Go and one session of Pray As You Stay because I just need the calm, spiritual voices to lead me right now. There’s a lot of other noise in my head that only makes me anxious.

When I did pull myself out of bed, it was past the time that I had planned to get up. I made coffee and checked in on Facebook. (I don’t have that on my phone or else I would probably spend longer in bed in the morning.) My first unemployment payment deposited this morning, so I also paid some bills. I ate breakfast and encouraged the kids to get some breakfast around 7 since our family’s educational check-in starts at 8 a.m. In that hour, I worked on the book I’ve been wanting to upload for Kindle. I went on a search for the photo I used for the cover so I could give the proper credit to the photographer and added some pages with information about me and the book. When everything was to my liking, I pressed the “publish” button as my heart rate sped up. It’s not really about the income. There won’t be much from this. It’s about the experience of offering something I wrote for sale.

At 8, we looked over the educational offerings for the day. Our daughter had a Zoom meeting schedule for 9:30, and she had some math to figure out before then. And our son picked a science review game. I worked on dishes while listening to Office Ladies. I checked in with the kids after about 30 minutes. Our daughter needed some help with fractions, which I provided. Then she needed me to print something, but it wouldn’t show up when I hit the print button, so I just made her a quick hand-drawn version. It’s an 8-square puzzle with numbers on it that you have to fold and put in order. She and I both tried several times and grew frustrated. So, I did what you’re probably not supposed to do and went to the Internet where I watched a video that explained each step. We watched it together and re-created the folds to get the answer. My daughter was supposed to then submit a FlipGrid explaining how she did it. I told her to be honest about trying it a couple of times and then watching a video about how to do it.

By the time 9:30 came, we had some more frustrating moments with Zoom that led to our daughter needing to call her teacher. None of us could figure it out and I composed a Tweet expressing my frustration. To which my brother, the tech-ed expert, replied, “How can I help?” As I was explaining the situation to him, I realized what the problem might be. We solved it and my daughter was able to get in on her Zoom call. Then it was time to get my son set up on his. Zoom meeting manager/assistant is a new skill I’m adding to my resume, in case I should need it when all this is over.

Once the kids were settled in to their meetings, I took some laundry to the bedroom to fold while listening to more Office Ladies. The calls ended before 11 and the kids were in the kitchen trying to gather some lunch. Everything was hard for us this morning. In each other’s spaces and pushing each other’s buttons. I yelled. Our daughter cried. Our son feigned innocence. It’s all part of the norm right now. We managed to get our lunches and I said we could watch The Price is Right but no other screens. So, we tuned in. Toward the end of the episode, our daughter went to the kitchen for Thin Mints (we are already dangerously low) and our son followed. I knew nothing good would come of that because he had no reason to be in the kitchen. I grabbed the rest of his lunch and went to the kitchen. I slammed the bowl on the counter, which splashed salsa on my sweatshirt (that I had just washed yesterday) which added to my anger. I was yelling so much that I was actually spitting. It’s not an easy confession. I told my son to go to his room and stay there for 15 minutes at least. I cleaned up my mess and watched the rest of the game show with my daughter after delivering all the stuffed animals to my son’s bed.

I had calmed down when the game show was over so I asked my daughter to transfer her laundry to the dryer and take a shower. We are so unscheduled for bathing right now. I went in to the kids’ room and curled up next to my son and told him I was sorry and explained why I had been upset. I asked him what else I could do to help with this situation. He shrugged and then later said the only thing he thought of is something we can’t have: a cat. He then soothed himself by shopping for stuffed animals online. (The kid already has a collection.) He did also throw a fit about wanting to take a bath and not being able to now that his sister was in the shower.

It was noon and I was ready for the day to be over.

She finished her shower and quite honestly, I’m not sure what happened after that. I did draw a bath for my son. And at some point I changed into workout clothes. Oh, I think I watched the videos for today’s workout because some of it was new. It was 1 o’clock by the time I was ready to work out. The kids found more educational(ish) things to do while I worked out. I was kind of on a tight deadline for my daughter’s writing class at 2. And the weather was chilly and rainy, so I didn’t want to be outside for long. I don’t feel like I put in a great workout today, but I did the bare minimum. Sometimes that’s all I can do.

Daughter got set up for her class. I snacked and listened to Office Ladies while cooling down from my workout. Then I asked my son if he wanted to play video games together. Sometimes the social interaction from me is what is needed, even when I don’t feel like I have a lot to give. We played the London 2012 Olympics game, and I’m terrible at most of it, but as long as I go in knowing that, it’s usually okay.

At some point in the afternoon, my book went live on Amazon so I shared some things about that and tried to forget about it.

I needed a dinner plan, so I did some quick thinking and came up with a favorite pantry-stretcher: oatmeal soup. It’s in the Fannie Farmer cookbook and it’s perfect for a chilly, rainy, overcast day. It tastes like chicken soup, kind of. I washed some more dishes and started prepping that. Then I sat and read for a few minutes. The book I picked from the library collection is Virgil Wander by Leif Enger. I’ve heard a lot of good things about it and I like Enger’s writing style. It’s definitely compelling so far.

Things have been quieter this afternoon. The kids are doing games and screens. Phil should be home soon.

Worked on and finished dinner. We watched another episode of the Bon Appetit web series, this time about all the ways to cook a potato. After that, I wanted to take a walk. Our son decided to go with and take his RC car.

We did a loop around the neighborhood. It was chilly but the rain had stopped and the fresh air was good. It’s still weird trying to avoid people while we’re out, though. We often adjust our route based on where other people are and are headed. I’ve been training for that my whole life. I’m really good at avoiding other humans.

This time after dinner and before bedtime is one of the hardest right now. My energy sags and I just want to be done being responsible for anyone except myself. This is not a new feeling; it’s just stronger during these days when we’re home all day with nowhere to go. Phil took a nap. I read a book. Our son played on his tablet. Our daughter did some school work then cleaned her dresser in her room. When the kids had settled in bed, Phil and I settled in for three episodes of The Office. I don’t always want to be watching The Office, but comedy is easiest right now.