Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns
If you think Jesus would have come into your home that day and not issued a strong rebuke to the head of household, you are mistaken. These words of condemnation have been haunting me for days now. They aren’t all that different than the soundtrack I play in my head on an almost-daily basis. It’s…
I am nesting. On Saturday I emptied the refrigerator. Last summer’s homemade pickles in their jars. The bread ends that seem to multiply on every shelf. The eggs. The milk. The fruit and veggies. All of it sat on the floor or the counter as I carefully removed the shelves and wiped them down with…
I’ve heard that life is like a highway. And it definitely seems like that sometimes. The pace of life swirls around me at dizzying speeds. We’re all so busy. In such a hurry. Always somewhere to be, something else to do. I’m a get-to-the-point, get-there-quick kind of girl. I don’t like to waste time on…
This post is a little longer than the others because we had a lot of big feelings present themselves this weekend. Maybe you can relate.
Day 7: I stayed up till 10 last night watching the rest of season 1 of Jamestown. The other seasons are available at the library. I miss the library. I woke up at 5 a.m. unable to sleep so I read a little bit of the Poldark novel I’m currently on. Then I went back to sleep till almost 7. The world was cloaked in fog when I got up. It’s supposed to reach almost 80 degrees today.
I decided that I was going to plant the flowers early. I made my blueberry pancakes for breakfast and put a few pieces in the puzzle. Then I got dressed for yard work. I discovered a hole outside the house that leads into our basement. I have no idea how long it’s been there. I worked the ground in the flower beds, which was wet from the overnight rain. The dirt turned pretty easily. My daughter came out to help put me the flowers in. She has a good eye for arrangement. She placed the flowers and I dug the holes. We filled two beds in the front yard and part of a bed in the side yard. The flowers are already making me happy. Just a little pop of color in a world desperately in need of beauty.
I changed into workout clothes and had a snack, then did my daily workout. When I finished that, it was nearly lunchtime. I started some laundry, including the pillows on our bed, and our sheets. When you keep up with all the regular laundry, there’s time to do what feels like “extra” laundry.
We ate lunch and watched The Price is Right until the daily news conference from the President came on. It’s raining outside now, so I’m glad we got the flowers planted early. I get the feeling we’re not going to be away from our screens much again today. But we’ll try. It’s all we can do.
After lunch, I did some more laundry and took a shower and worked on the puzzle. I have almost no recollection of what the kids did. I think our son did some typing practice. And our daughter kept playing the Civics game on Brain Pop! We had a video call with the kids’ cousin (our niece) and her mom, and it was fun to connect with them that way. It had been raining most of the morning, and the sun started to come out, so I went to the porch afterwards and read for a while.
Our daughter made dinner. I helped her with the prep. Phil came home from work with more news of the outside world and further restrictions at his place of work. We talked about how we were going to get the groceries we need and how neither one of us wants to venture out. I don’t know how much online ordering I can do. I don’t know how we’re going to get through this except that we’re together. That is the only thing I know right now.
We made our weekly produce list for him to pick up at work on Saturday, and we sort of devolved into screens again. Around 7 p.m., I asked the kids to turn them off. They tried to play a baseball simulator game together, but they started to argue and get pushy with each other, so I shut everything down for bedtime. Our daughter stomped off and yelled and our son just gathered all his things and made noises with his mouth. I expected some pushing and shoving in the bathroom or bedroom, but they managed to take turns.
And then, as soon as our daughter was in bed, the real problem presented itself.
“I just want (my best friend) and school,” she said, bursting into tears. I knew this would be hard for her. It’s been a week, and the social girl that she is, she’s missing her friends, and she likes school. Her sobbing is breaking my heart.
“I wish this was all a bad dream and we could just pop the bubble and wake up.”
I cried, too, when she said this because me, too. It’s only been a week but a week of trauma feels like a lifetime and it will take us longer than a week to recover from what’s happening in our brains. Who do I even talk to about this? None of us have any frame of reference for such a time as this, and I don’t need sugar-sweet “God’s in control” kinds of platitudes. What do I tell my daughter? What do I tell myself? I totally understand why people drink or drug themselves into numbness. At 8 p.m. on Friday, March 20, I am tired of all the feelings I am feeling. I am tired of not knowing what new restriction will be on us in the morning. I’m tired of being stressed out by the thought of going grocery shopping and not knowing if what we need will be there. This is no way to live.
And yet we’re being asked to live this way. For a time. An unknown amount of time. Maybe if they could tell us an end date, we could make it through easier.
Every day is exhausting and yet I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Maybe just making it through another day is something. How do we do this when the days offer no hope of change? And how do we parent our children through this time? I have no wisdom or experience for them. All I have is my own feelings and the expression of them. I told our daughter it’s okay to hate everything about what’s happening right now. To be sad, angry, frustrated, whatever. We don’t have to be okay with this.
But we have to accept that there are parts of this we cannot change or control. She was sad because she didn’t have any books she wanted to read. I picked four off of our shelves and she went with book 1 of The Wingfeather Saga by Andrew Peterson. I’m hoping to tune in to his Facebook live reading tonight. I don’t like that all of our connection right now is either limited to the people in our house or by some kind of screen or device. But, it is what it is.
I don’t have to like any of it. I don’t like any of it. But I’m trying to make it through.
Day 8: I cried myself to sleep last night. The weight of it all crushed me. I feel like I’m bearing the emotions of all four of us in the house, and I’m not strong enough to carry all of that myself. I don’t have to and no one is asking me to, but I feel responsible for the emotional health of my family. I cried because it’s too much.
Before I went to bed, I watched a movie on Acorn TV, a British streaming service that’s offering a free 30-day trial. They had Still Life, which is based on a book by Louise Penny that I just read. I worked on the puzzle the entire time it was on, making progress. I’m not sure I’m going to make the deadline of being done by dinner tonight.
Around 5 a.m., our daughter came into our room and asked to sleep in our bed. My husband had already left for work, and she seemed in better spirits but was still in need of some snuggle time. She and I both stayed there till after 7 this morning.
Then, breakfast. A smoothie for the girl. Scrambled eggs for the boy. An egg-and-English muffin dish for me. And coffee. Always, coffee.
How will we make today different? Maybe we don’t have to. Maybe routine and monotony shows us things we wouldn’t otherwise see. Some of it is unpleasant. How much we need the little (and big) distractions so we don’t have to face ourselves.
I was going to work on the puzzle and listen to Andrew Peterson read from his book, but the kids were watching YouTube, one of them on the TV and the streaming of the Facebook live video was slow to load. So, I moved to the kitchen to wash dishes. The one YouTuber my son likes to watch is someone I find mostly annoying. I’m practicing social distancing inside my house which is not as easy as you might think. At 9 a.m., the kids went outside. It’s sunny today, if a bit chilly, but at least it’s not raining. Within minutes, one of them had pinched a finger in the folding chair and the other needed help tying shoes.
I put my workout clothes on, just to remind me to move and not give up on the day before it had really begun. I didn’t go right into my workout. I drank water and scrolled Facebook. And placed a book order through a local bookstore that I had a gift certificate for. The reply email I got from the owner of the store almost had me in tears because it was so kind and thoughtful and personal. Words matter so much right now. I need to start using mine better.
Then I did my scheduled workout for the day. I’m not trying to come out of this time period as my fittest self, but sticking to some kind of routine helps me. And working out benefits my brain and mental health. That’s all. With the way I’m eating, it won’t be a fit me that comes out of this anyway. (Ice cream anyone?)
During my workout, I got a message from someone who’s been trying to buy a scrapbook assortment from me for weeks and the timing has never been right. Today, the timing was right. We took proper precautions and never interacted directly. I made $10 from a box of stuff I cleaned out of a closet months ago that was leftover from another time of life when I tried to be crafty.
I made a smoothie for my snack and one for my son for lunch. I’ve made three smoothies today; can I add that to my resumé? Now it’s time to think about lunch again. All these meals.
My coffee order came, so I’m well stocked for the next month. I actually signed up for a coffee subscription from a local roaster so I can a) ensure I have enough coffee and b) support local businesses.
After lunch, the kids made cookies. I listened from the other room and gave assistance when it was necessary, which was not often. I studied the puzzle while listening to the alt-rock station playing all 90s hits, and did a little bit of reading. Everything feels hard right now.
The cookies turned out okay. Some are burnt, which is more a testament to our oven than it is anyone’s baking abilities. I washed some dishes while watching Grace and Frankie, preparing for our daughter to also make frosting later. Her dad requested the cookies and frosting, and she is a willing baker.
She worked on the frosting, and I heated the oven for dinner. Phil called as he was leaving work and decided to head to Target to get it out of the way. When he got home from Target with everything except deodorant for our son and toilet paper, he decided to tackle Costco, too. That way our Sunday could be freer to do things together as a family.
He spent $200 at Costco, which in normal times is not unusual. It only makes me nervous because my income won’t be what it normally is. But he has us stocked with meat and snacks and vegetables. He’d also brought home a bunch of assorted leftovers from various stands at market today, mostly because some of the stands aren’t opening next week and needed to offload their goods. So, along with our frozen pizzas tonight, I ate some carrots with tzatziki sauce. My body is not liking all the comfort-junk food I’m feeding it. I will attempt to listen better to it.
We watched the latest episode of LegoMasters, then put the kids to bed and watched Brooklyn-99.
Day 9: I slept well last night. That seems to be an important part of this whole thing right now. We made/ate breakfast and then watched our pastor’s sermon on YouTube so we could later participate in a Zoom meeting for a sermon discussion. After the sermon, I suited up to go for a run because I realized yesterday that it’s not just the running that I miss but the alone time. Running by myself feeds so much more than my body’s physical needs. It’s mental and emotional, too. It was only in the low 30s but I wanted to go early, when the world was least likely to be bustling. (Although bustling is a relative term right now.)
I headed toward the college campus nearby, where there’s a drive-through COVID-19 testing set up. I was curious but also a little bit concerned. Someone else was using the walking path, though, so I felt somewhat confident to keep going. It was surreal to see in person what I’ve only heard about on the news. The other person I passed on the path waved to me, though, and that’s not always something that happens between strangers.
My tracking app stopped working not long after I started, probably because it was in my pocket, so I’m not sure exactly how far I ran today in 25 minutes, but it was close to 2 miles. I’m repeating week 7 of C25K until I can consistently run 2 miles in that time. My calves started to cramp during cool down, but I felt so much better than I had all week. I came home, made a smoothie and took a shower before we logged into our church Zoom meeting.
There were about 10 of us and it was good to see faces and hear voices we’d normally see on Sundays. And even some we haven’t seen in a while! That hour of checking in and discussing what we’d heard was so encouraging, a reminder that we’re all in this together and experiencing at different levels.
Lunch. Phil’s doing a workout. I need to start dinner in the crockpot soon. In the midst of making the crockpot dinner, our daughter got a request from her best friend for Messenger Kids, so we got that worked out. They video called each other and all is right with the world now.
Phil and I talked through grocery lists again so he could go to Aldi and make one more attempt at Target for deodorant. While he was gone, the rest of us decided to do some coloring. A few months ago, I got a color-by-number coloring book, which I surprisingly love. We all picked some pictures to color and we listened to Broadway tunes.
When Phil got home, we put groceries away and cleared the living room so he could take his weekly nap on the couch. The kids are watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I washed some dishes.
I made a comforting crockpot soup for dinner that the kids wouldn’t eat (I knew this going into it) so they figured out their own dinner. We watched a couple of episodes of America’s Test Kitchen and ushered the kids toward laundry and showers. (The latter is something that is falling through the cracks in these days.)
Phil and I ended the night playing Trivial Pursuit via Zoom with two other couples–one in Pittsburgh and one in North Carolina–and that whole experience had me wondering why we’d never done it before. Connecting with friends was a balm to our weary souls.
Friends, it’s getting harder, these days of distancing. A friend posted on Facebook that we should check on our extrovert friends because they are not okay. I would submit that introverts may also not be okay, especially if they are not used to all these people in the house all the time. I’ve got three days of our life to share with you today. May it help you to know you are not alone.
Day 4: My alarm was set for 6:15 a.m. because I want to try to keep to some kind of schedule, but I haven’t been sleeping well, so I turned it off and let my body wake me up. It was closer to 7 when I felt like I was awake for the day. There’s a balance between wanting to keep to a schedule and needing to listen to my body.
I told the kids screens until 8 o’clock. It’s 8:08. I’m still in the kitchen working on my blog, and I can hear the YouTube still going. Sigh.
They transitioned to math aka Prodigy which is a game with math problems in it, I guess. I got dressed (this is an important part of my day.) and worked on more dishes while listening to a podcast on the existence of hell. (Be jealous; you know that sounds like a good time!)
The kids are supposed to be doing active time now and because it’s a little rainy outside, they’re maybe dancing? I don’t know. Our house is not that big, yet I’m not 100 percent sure what goes on here. They were playing Shaun White snowboarding. I talked to my mom on the phone and folded laundry, then I worked on the puzzle a little more.
Our daughter made brownies from scratch while our son did a Hot Wheels tournament. I made myself available in the kitchen and sorted through the accumulation of papers on the counter. I found my insurance card that was available to be activated on January 1 if that’s any indication how 2020 is going. We made lunch and watched The Price is Right. If ever a nation needed the pure, unadulterated joy of this game show, it’s now. It still freaks me out to see people hugging, though.
Our son went outside to pick weeds and dead grasses out of the garden so we can start to think about spring while my daughter and I worked through her at-home lesson for Girls on the Run. We did a matching get-to-know you game and some fun movements. We skipped to the mailbox and danced on the porch and did jumping jacks. Then, we made self-portraits using only the arts/crafts supplies we had on hand. I like how they turned out. And we talked about what makes us the same and different.
I struggled to get the kids to do more academic time. I’m a part-time teacher’s aide when the world is functioning as usual but to transfer those skills to home is hard for me. At the same time I was trying to get them to do academics, I was putting the corned beef in the pot for dinner and getting ready to do my own workout for the day. That’s a lot of multi-tasking for me.
They chose a couple of things they could do online and I asked them to tell me what they learned after I finished my workout. Now, it’s screen time for everyone until 3 p.m. when I’m crossing my fingers and hoping they’ll do band practice. Daughter practiced band; son pulled more weeds in the garden. I made dinner–corned beef and cabbage–and read a book while I waited for the vegetables to cook.
When Phil got home from work, he wouldn’t touch anything before showering after being in contact with so many people. He was extra vigilant about taking these precautions, even if it seems a little paranoid.
We started planning for a possible hike on Wednesday because Phil is off, and we’re going to need to get outside. And we watched a BBC program about monkeys. (About 5 minutes of news was all we could handle.) The rest of the evening was kind of a blur. The kids went to bed around 8 and Phil and I followed soon after, exhausted from just existing in these times.
Day 5: I didn’t set the alarm again and woke up around 6ish. I listened to Pray As You Go, an app that offers music, a Scripture reading and time for meditation, and then scrolled the socials. I don’t think the latter makes me feel better, but I do it anyway. I ran out of coffee yesterday, but I ordered some over the weekend and it’s supposed to arrive today, so I made a cup of chai with my breakfast of French toast. The kids are doing math on Prodigy again, and we’re arguing about what time we’re going to head out for an adventure and when we’re going to video call with the grandparents. I’m tired already.
They did the video call and then we just started getting ready to leave. Dressing in layers and packing on-the-go lunch food. There was some weeping and gnashing of teeth but we were all ready to leave by 11 a.m. and our attitudes were mostly good. It took about 30 minutes to get to the park we’d picked out, and the parking lot was fuller than we expected. Two people passed us at the trailhead and then it was a while before we saw anyone else again, and it was always at a distance.
Ah, nature. I’m breathing easier just thinking about it.
The park is called Money Rocks because legend has it that farmers used to hide their money in the rocks in the mountains, and it’s not hard to imagine when you walk the limestone outcroppings. The trail itself is pretty rocky. We meandered for more than an hour, eating our lunches, until the kids started to complain of their legs hurting. We had a talk about the benefits of exercise and how we were going to keep doing this kind of thing, no matter what the coronavirus did, and it would be longer each time. This was the point of tears for one of our party who could not imagine hiking for more than an hour, even though we have done this numerous times in our life as a family.
For the good of everyone, we turned around and hiked back to the car, where we found the parking lot fuller than when we arrived. We still did not encounter many people, and when we did, there was plenty of distance. We came home to eat brownies and ice cream, but one of us did not approve of the size of the brownies offered and pouted until the brownies and ice cream were put away. (This family member relented later and ate brownies and ice cream before dinner.)
Oh, this is the life right now.
We’re back to the screens and the jigsaw puzzle. I made coffee to go with my dessert because my coffee order arrived just before we left. Afternoon coffee has never tasted so good. I took a shower while Phil made dinner, his Wednesday tradition.
Phil made a French toast casserole and breakfast sausages for dinner, which is not in any way healthy but is the kind of comfort food we’re gravitating toward these days. We thought about a family movie night but the kids actually got excited when we suggested a game night. So, we played Trivial Pursuit, girls vs. boys. Phil and I have a long tradition of boys vs. girls Trivial Pursuit. We may have actually fallen in love with each other playing this game with friends. We cycled through decades of music on Pandora while we played, starting with the 50s all the way through the 2000s. My time to shine was when the 80s and 90s music hit. We girls lost the game soundly, but we all had fun. It took us till almost 9 o’clock to finish the game, at which time we all went to bed.
Day 6: I did not want to get out of bed today. The days are spreading out in monotony, and I am struggling to find purpose in each day, although I know there are things I can do to add meaning to our days. We have video calls we can schedule. I could write letters. I have not done much cleaning or tending the garden plot or the flower beds. Today is my “rest day” in my workout schedule, which is both a blessing and a curse right now. I cried before I even got out of bed. I said the word “depression” out loud. It would be so so easy to sink into oblivion right now. Our county has its first case. The VA has its first case. I worry about other sicknesses not being able to be treated. I worry about getting my second injection for my endometriosis treatment in a timely manner.
Today, I think I need to apply for unemployment and maybe do the Census questionnaire. Dishes need attention, too. Podcasts will help me feel less alone, I hope. I need to buy stamps online so I can send some letters. And we have to take a loan payment to the bank. I will admit that I’m afraid to go places, any places.
I had breakfast and worked on the puzzle while Phil did his at-home workout provided by his gym. The kids played a Brain Pop! game that had them simulating government leadership. I washed dishes. And applied for unemployment. Maybe I should have done that first thing in the week but I just couldn’t get up the emotional strength to do it. I have some past stress involving government benefits and unemployment. Phil applied once when he was in between jobs and his employer disputed it. We fought it; Phil had to show up at a hearing to plead his case. And it was just an overall icky experience. Our family also spent a lot of years receiving food stamp and medical assistance benefits. For some reason, needing those assistances is less acceptable than filing for unemployment. I don’t remember as many people being so encouraging about applying for food stamps as they’ve been about applying for unemployment.
I signed a contract for some freelance work that will occupy me for the next several months. (Don’t get too excited. Freelance work doesn’t pay in a timely manner. I’ll celebrate at the end of the year.)
We spent about 40 minutes as a family reading in the living room. The quiet was calming. We ate lunch and watched part of another episode of the monkey documentary. Phil left for work, and I filled out our Census survey. I ordered postage stamps online and signed up for a coffee subscription from my favorite local coffee roaster. Two of my favorite bags of coffee guaranteed to come to my house every month. Maybe I can get through this.
Daughter and I did another at-home lesson for Girls on the Run, creating an obstacle course on our porch and a song about what makes us feel strong.
I watched another episode of Jamestown and started thinking about dinner. I read a little and put some more of the puzzle together. The monkey is taking shape. My goal is to finish by Saturday so we can have our dining table back.
Phil brought home flowers for me. I asked if they had any at the farm but wasn’t sure if they would. He brought a flat of pansies and one primrose. I’ll be planting flowers outside tomorrow. I don’t even care if it snows this weekend. I need to see spring and beauty. I did notice buds on the lilac bush already. What will the world be like when the lilac blooms? I take some comfort in the rhythms that remain.
I made dinner: tortellini with sliced sausage and frozen broccoli in a homemade marinara sauce. (Need dinner ideas? I can probably help you out. Nothing fancy. Totally doable.) The kids went outside after dinner. I was going to and then the governor closed all non-life-sustaining businesses and Phil and I wondered what exactly that meant. We turned on the local news, again only able to handle about five minutes of that. I sat outside on the porch for a few minutes, but it was a damp day and even though temperatures were in the 50s, I was chilled. Back to the puzzle.
Both kids took a bath. A few weeks ago I bought some epsom salt bubble bath for my muscle recovery ,and I’ve told the kids it’s magic bath water for their sore muscles. After yesterday’s hike, they were both interested in a magic bath. Can’t say I blame them. I might take one myself yet tonight.
Now it’s back to screens with a side of ice cream before bed. We made it through another day.