Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

ann voskamp

You don’t have to tell me I’m a great mom

It’s Mother’s Day.

If you’re on the Internet at all today, you’ll find all kinds of reactions to this one day in May. I know I’ll see friends who post the flowers or breakfasts or jewelry they’ve received from their families. I know I’ll see friends post about how hard Mother’s Day is for those who are not mothers, who have lost their mothers or who have tricky relationships with them.  I will see people posting kind words to all the mothers they know, generally or specifically.

Mother’s Day is no one-size-fits-all holiday.

It does get us thinking about mothers and motherhood, though.

I’ve been a mother for nine years, which in some fields would make me an expert or professional. People earn advanced degrees in less time than I’ve been a mother. Some presidents serve two terms in that time. After nine years of motherhood, I thought maybe I’d feel more sure or certain. Like I’ve totally got this.

Isn’t that what we all want people to think about us moms– that we’re the CEO of this house, the ringleader of this circus, the driver of this crazy train?

Sometimes people will read something I’ve written about my children, or comment on a picture I’ve posted, and they’ll tell me I’m a great mom or that I’m doing a great job. Those compliments bounce right off me because I tell myself if they only knew the truth, they’d know I’m really just an okay, average mom.

The truth is I don’t want to be “great” at motherhood, mostly because I don’t know what that means. A hundred moms would have at least 50 different definitions of what it means to be a great mom and all of them would hold some truth. When people say I’m a great mom (which doesn’t happen a lot, just to let you know; I don’t want you thinking this happens daily or weekly), I don’t know what they are seeing to make them say that. My husband says maybe they are seeing something in me that I can’t see in myself and they are trying to affirm that. Maybe he’s right.

I worry, though, that they are seeing their definition of greatness and applying it to me. Like if I post a picture of the one time in the last three months we bake together (and zero pictures of the flour mess all over the counter and no sound bites of all the times I yelled in frustration), someone will think I’m a great mom because I bake with them. No single picture posted on Instagram or Facebook can fully illustrate the experience of motherhood.

And maybe nobody really thinks that. But I know how I sometimes feel when I see pictures or status updates from other moms doing something I don’t. I feel like that other mom is doing something right and I’m not.

Most of us moms need all the encouragement we can get. I haven’t met a mom who, if she is honest with herself, doesn’t feel like she’s getting it all wrong at some point. I’m not saying we shouldn’t honor or encourage moms. I just think we have to use our words carefully.

When I’m honest with myself, I realize that motherhood has been both the best and the worst thing to happen to me. (Put that on a greeting card and try to sell it.) I love my kids and I try to hold on to a sense of wonder that these two humans hold part of me and part of their dad and all kinds of genetic code passed down through generations. They add to our lives in ways I can’t count.

But being a mother has exposed some of the worst parts of me. I’m more selfish than I ever would have imagined. For me, motherhood is a constant battle between what I want to do and what I have to do. Still, there were months where those duties saved me. I got out of bed and started the day because a small child needed me. I left the house and arranged play dates because I could not offer all the socialization my kids needed. Being a mom has forced me to speak up and make decisions on someone else’s behalf. But that brings with it all kinds of doubt about whether I’ve made the right decisions.

If I wasn’t a mom, all that internal junk would still be a part of me, but maybe I could hide it better. I believe motherhood has the potential to bring out the best and the worst in a person. And mostly that’s okay.

If you tell me I’m a great mom, I can think of at least one example of someone who is a better mom than me. And that mom could probably think of another example who is better than her.

It also makes me question greatness. Is a mom on welfare not great? Because I’ve been her. Is a mom who volunteers in the classroom every week great? Because I can’t handle that many children at one time. What about the Pinterest mom? Sometimes I envy her but not the mess of the craft projects. To be great, do I need to do it all and do it all perfectly?

I’m okay with being an okay mom. Maybe I’ll have moments of greatness, but that’s not my aim. I want to do what I can and accept what I can’t. I don’t want my kids to be perfect because that’s an impossible standard. I don’t want to be known for all the things I gave up and sacrificed for them because presumably I’ll still be around when they leave for good. Being a mom is only one role I have in this life and being “great” at motherhood would require being mediocre at something else. In the early years, my ideas of what a mom should me cost me my own health. And almost my marriage.

Ann Voskamp says what is on my heart so much better so I’ll leave you with a link to her blog post and a wish for any moms reading this to be the best version of you, you can be. Not the best at everything or the best at what other people think you should be but the best YOU. That has led me to more “great” mom moments than anything else.

Books: best of 2013, a look ahead to 2014

I’ve wrapped up my “official” reading for 2013, and I wanted to share with you the best of the best from this year. Also, I’m going to be doing things a bit differently next year when it comes to reviews. I’ll let you in on that as well.

So, here goes! The best books I read this year. So many to choose from, and I’m sure I’m leaving some out.

Let’s start with fiction.

sleeping in edenBEST OVERALL: Way back in January, I read an advanced copy of Nicole Baart’s Sleeping in Eden, and I predicted it would be among the best books I read all year. It set a high standard for books, and as the year closes, I have to say, I told me so. You can read my review here. It’s a book I want to read again because of its beauty and rich plot. It’s not a light read, but it’s well worth it.

BEST SERIES: The Cadence of Grace series by Joanne Bischof rocked. my. world. I read the first two books back to back in the same week. A mistake because I was SO emotional at the end of it. You can read my reviews of those here. And then I waited months for the finale, which I reviewed here. I couldn’t get the characters out of my head, and the story is a gritty look at the price of past mistakes and the cost of redemption and the beauty of grace. A new classic series for the historical Christian fiction fan. Cadence-of-Grace-1-1024x691

BEST UNFINISHED SERIES: I read several other unfinished series this year. Two, in particular, have me eagerly awaiting the conclusion.

Michael K. Reynolds’ Heirs of Ireland series, which began with Flight of the Earls and continued with In Golden Splendor, concludes next month with Songs of the Shenandoah. In Flight of the Earls, Reynolds wrote the best opening line I’ve read in a long time. And his writing continued to awe me through these books.

forsaken dreams coverAnd MaryLu Tyndall’s Escape to Paradise series, which began with Forsaken Dreams and continued with Elusive Hope, finishes next summer with Abandoned Memories. Forsaken Dreams was my first full-length read of Tyndall’s work, but I’m totally hooked. I’ve read four other books by her since March. Tyndall has a unique way of blending adventure, mystery and romance.

BEST NON-CHRISTIAN FICTION: Most of what I read falls in the Christian category. This year, I branched out a couple of times, something I hope to do more of. Neil Gaiman is an author I’ve been wanting to read, and his newest book The Ocean at the End of the Lane almost jumped off the new book shelf at the library. So, I took it home, and I LOVED it. It’s short, mystical and deep. I would read it again in a heartbeat.

MOST UNEXPECTED: I got the chance to read an advanced copy of Heather Day Gilbert’s debut, God’s godsdaughterDaughter, a self-published novel about Vikings. I’ve “met” Heather online and the premise was worth the risk. And let me say that this book shattered my preconceived notions about self-published books. This is totally worth it. A good story, well-written, with a gorgeous cover.  We haven’t seen the last of her.

BEST RE-READ: Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. (insert sigh) Now that I have a copy, I will read this book often. There’s a reason it’s a classic in Christian fiction.

HONORABLE MENTION: Halfway through the year, I picked these as my best books for the first half of the year. I would include them still. In the second half of the year, I’d add Chasing Francis by Ian Morgan Cron, In Broken Places by Michele Phoenix and Frame 232 by Wil Mara.

Now, to non-fiction. Here’s where my list stood at the halfway point of the year.

BEST OVERALL: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I avoided this book for a while because I expected something preachy from someone with a perfect life. Ha! I was so wrong. Gently challenging and beautiful. Voskamp has a way with words I can hardly describe. She sees things differently and opens readers to the beauty around. This book is her personal journey toward thankfulness from a bitter heart. A read and read again kind of book.

BEST RE-READ: Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton. I read through this early in the year. This fall, our church’s book club has been reading it, and I’ve found it richer in community.

BEST MEMOIR: When We Were on Fire by Addie Zierman. This account of growing up in evangelical Christianity in the ’90s brought tears and laughter, and at times felt like it was part of my own Christian journey. Honest, real. I love a good memoir and this is among the best. jesus feminist

MOST UNEXPECTED: Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey. Five years ago, I would not have picked up a book with the word “feminist” in the title. Even after a shift in what I believe, I was still a bit nervous to read this. I thought it might be angry and demeaning toward men. Again, I’m happy to say I was wrong. (Are you sensing a theme here? I think I judge a book by its cover!!) A call to community. An affirmation of gifts. A tender tug toward wholeness as a body.

MOST CHALLENGING: The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. It took the author’s death for me to finally pick up one of his books. What was I waiting for? This book is challenging because of its radical emphasis on grace. These are words to ponder and ponder again. So glad I read them.

SpiritualDangerOfDoingGood_200rgb-662x1024HONORABLE MENTION: In addition to the ones I picked at the halfway point, I’d add The In-Between by Jeff Goins, The Spiritual Danger of Doing Good by Peter Greer and Jesus, My Father, the CIA and me by Ian Morgan Cron.

And now, a few words about my reading and reviewing plan for 2014.

In years past I’ve committed to reviewing a book on this blog once a week, every week, for the entire year. I’ve found myself bogged down by that plan and requesting books to review that I’m only partially interested in. So, for 2014, I’m going to focus first on the books in my house that I haven’t read.

Here’s a sneak peek at those.

2014 TBR

I will be constantly reading but may not review everything with a blog post here. If you’re a book lover as well and want to keep up with what I’m reading, find me on Goodreads. At the very least, I give a rating to what I’m reading, and sometimes I’ll write a short review. I want to enjoy what I’m reading again, not read merely out of duty. So, you’ll still find the occasional review here, but not as many as before.

Your turn! What are among the best books you’ve read this year? What books are you looking forward to in 2014?