Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

book review

What you don't know about pastors' wives: Review of Pastors' Wives by Lisa Takeuchi Cullen

“What’s it like when the man you married is married to God?

pastors wivesThat’s the central theme author Lisa Takeuchi Cullen explores in her debut novel, Pastors’ Wives. In it, she tells the stories of three pastors’ wives whose lives come together within the ministry of an evangelical megachurch in Atlanta.

I’ll admit to being unsure what to expect from this book. I won a copy from a website where the book had been reviewed but it sat on my shelf for months. In the midst of my own doubts about being a pastor’s wife and the loss of vision for what I thought that would look like, I avoided it, afraid that it might add to my overall negative attitude. Now I’m sorry I didn’t read it sooner!

Far from a glossed-over, perfect portrayal of the women married to men with a call to ministry, Pastors’ Wives is an honest glimpse of the doubts, fears, complications, expectations and survival mechanisms of these women. I loved every page, and I’d happily hand out copies of this book to most pastors’ wives I know. (I say “most” because the book contains language that some people might find offensive. I didn’t feel it detracted from the story at all.)

One of the strengths of the novel is the author’s research. Pastors’ Wives is based on research Cullen did for a magazine article, including time spent with actual pastors’ wives from a variety of denominations. (You can read more about that on her website.) Those experiences bring to life the three fictional wives–Ruthie, Candace and Ginger.

A little bit about each of them: Ruthie, a nominal Catholic, is in the midst of a crisis of faith when her husband hears a call to leave his job on Wall Street to join the ministry of a suburban Atlanta megachurch. Candace is the church’s “first lady,” wife of the senior pastor and basically the Wizard of Oz. She runs the show for, and sometimes in spite of, her husband. Ginger is married to Candace’s son and struggles to maintain the proper image of wife and mother while hiding her past.

I was surprised to find that I identified with something in each of these women. While each character represents a particular kind of pastor’s wife, none of them felt stereotypical or exaggerated. Cullen seems to have a talent for realism in characters. I hope she decides to write more of them.

Some of my favorite lines from the novel:

  • The story opens with Ruthie in an airport newstand buying a Star magazine. “I would have to call it a $3.99 act of defiance. … Funny thing about becoming a pastor’s wife: You felt watched. Not by God, exactly. Just … watched.” Can I get an “amen” for that?
  • From Candace, in reflecting on friendships: “For such a public role, being a pastor’s wife can be the loneliest job in the world. No member of a congregation wants to befriend the bedmate of their spiritual leader, lest news of their base humanity filter back to him and handicap their shot at heaven.”
  • And Ginger, when her carefully covered up past begins to emerge, wonders: “What was better–living an ugly truth or a comfortable lie?

So many more, but I don’t want to spoil the book for you. I’m passing this on to another pastor’s wife, and I’d recommend it to others, especially those who struggle with their husband’s call or their role in ministry. Definitely, it’ll be among the best books I read in the second quarter of this year.

And if  you’re not a pastor’s wife, maybe it will offer insights into the life of the woman behind the man in the pulpit at your church.

A guide to myself: Review of Quiet by Susan Cain

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It’s one thing to know you’re an introvert. It’s another thing entirely to know why and how it affects your behavior.

QUIET_paperback_High-Res_JacketThis is what Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking has done for me. Part psychology study, part story, Quiet is a book I could not put down. And for non-fiction and me, that’s rare. Nearly every time I opened the book, I was hit with a new revelation about myself and my behavior. Meticulously researched, Cain writes in a way that is engaging and entertaining, not at all dry.

I don’t know at what age I started identifying myself as an introvert, but at least in my adult life, it’s something I’ve pretty much always accepted. And  it’s sometimes felt limiting. Like I couldn’t speak or lead or teach or make a real difference in the world because of my personality.

Cain’s book is an encouraging and empowering look at how introverts can make a difference because of, not in spite of, how they’re wired. We don’t have to be more like extroverts to be heard. For me, that is good news.

Quiet does not elevate introverts at the expense of extroverts, either. Cain emphasizes the need for both types to work together and not for one to become more like the other. Being an introvert is often seen as a weakness or defect in some professions, and Cain proposes that introverts can be an asset, even in those arenas that seem to favor extroverts. She also encourages introverts to find balance. If they have a job that requires more extroverted behavior, then they need to find balance by staying home at night more often or finding quiet time in the midst of the day. Even the floor plan and layout of desks in an office can affect an introvert’s mood and productivity.

When I worked as a newspaper reporter, I found myself playing extrovert daily. Phone calls. Interviews. Four-desk pods instead of cubicles. I see now that I would have been more effective, confident and satisfied in my job if I’d found these areas of balance Cain suggested.

Quiet is an invaluable resource for introverts and extroverts. For introverts, it’s encouraging and empowering. For extroverts, it’s eye-opening. I’d recommend it for either group, especially if you’re an extrovert leading an organization or are in a marriage between an introvert and extrovert. I learned some new things about my husband, an extrovert, and how we can better navigate our relationship. Cain includes insights and tips for parenting, too, which I found helpful. I believe we’re raising one of each–an extroverted daughter and an introverted son–and how we parent them will be different based on how we, the parents, are wired, too.

Overall, I call it a must-read. Period.

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A note about Grammarly: I first encountered Grammarly because of its clever writing-, word- and grammar-related posts on Facebook. I was offered a free trial and compensation in exchange for the text ad at the top of this post. I used the service on this post to check for grammar and plagiarism issues. The first time, I chose the wrong style of writing for review. There are six types to choose from; I picked “business” first which gave me a horrible rating. The second time around, I chose “casual,” which much more suits the style of this post. Better. I haven’t yet used Grammarly extensively, but I like the idea of it, especially if you’re writing a lot of papers. Check it out. It certainly won’t substitute for a human set of proofreading eyes, but it seems like a good second set of eyes. I’ve got a degree in communication and Grammarly is something I’d seriously consider as part of my writing toolbox.