Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

decisions

Costly decisions

Two summers ago, the kids and I were spending two weeks sandwiched between wedding events in Illinois while my husband worked and attended class in Pennsylvania. On one of those days, our son, who was not yet 2, had a miserable ear infection, we suspected. So, we took him to an urgent care clinic where he was poked in the ear, and gagged in the throat (checking for strep) and eventually diagnosed with an ear infection. Medicine prescribed and we were on our way.

At the time, we had low-income insurance for our kids in Pennsylvania, which pays for doctors’ visits and prescriptions. I had no idea what an urgent care visit would cost, but we had to do something.

A few months later, we got the bill. Yikes! It took us a few months to pay it and reminded me that decisions, even good ones, seldom happen without a cost.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot the last few days. My husband and I are college-educated and essentially unemployed. We’re job hunting without much success. We’re raising two passionate, stubborn, creative kids. We’re hundreds of miles from family. We’re sure of the next step, until we’re not. We’re hoping. And doubting. And waiting. And searching. And trying to explain what’s on our hearts.

I read these words from Oswald Chambers (Mary DeMuth quoted him in her new book Everything: What you give and what you gain to become like Jesus, which I will review here in a couple of weeks) and they say everything, encouraging me to press on with this unpredictable journey.

If we obey God it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the sting comes in. We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but shall be a grief to our Lord. Whereas if we obey God, He will look after those who have been pressed into the consequences of our obedience. We have simply to obey and leave all consequences with Him.

Moving to Pennsylvania has been hard on our family and extended family. But it has been the best thing for our growth. Seminary was the hardest four years of our lives. But it has planted seeds in our hearts that have yet to show their fruit. Having two kids less than two years apart has been nothing short of insanity. And even though I want to escape some days, I wouldn’t trade away the lessons we’ve learned or the little people who have invaded our hearts and our lives.

Life doesn’t always make sense. It’s not making sense to us right now. But we know what we know. And we know what we’re supposed to do. We just don’t yet know the “how” of all of it.

These decisions, these steps of faith, they’ve not been made lightly. They’ve cost us plenty. But if we hadn’t taken them, we’d have lost so much more.

Please, pray for us. And with us.

We have counted the cost and found obedience to Christ worth everything, even the loss of all we know.

Now we count on Him to carry us.

A week’s worth of thoughts

I’ve had a lot running through my mind this week and little time to write out my thoughts. So, lucky you, if you’re reading this, you get to take a peek at a week in the life of my brain. Try not to be afraid.

— I haven’t had as much sleep this week as I would like. Early in the week, Isabelle decided to assert her 2-year-old independence and boldly declare, “No, I not go to sleep” at bed time. This, followed by an hour or more of screaming, “I want my mommy” and throwing herself around her room, passing out in various areas of her room. One night, she fell asleep in the middle of the floor. Tonight confirmed one of my fears about this … she passed out in front of the door to her room, so I woke her up (by nudging the door into her head) when I went in to put Corban to sleep. The experts, doctors, I guess, say one reason for this sort of behavior is because they don’t want to miss out on what’s going on. Isabelle played that card tonight, conning me into letting her take a book and a Bible to bed with her, then desperately asking for anything she could think of to delay bedtime. As her mother, I disapprove of her antics, knowing that sleep is what’s best for her. But if I’m honest with myself, I’m guilty of the same. God repeatedly tells me to rest, and I repeatedly tell him, “But, the dishes aren’t done.” Or, “I need this time on Facebook to relax after a long day.” Or, “I deserve to stay up late and have ‘me’ time after being with the kids all day.” Rest, He says. And I know He knows what is best.

— Isabelle broke a glass in the kitchen this week. She didn’t do it on purpose. I think she was reaching for a dirty dish that she wanted to wash when it crashed to the floor. I rushed her out of the room while I picked up and swept the pieces I could see. I knew I needed to do a better job than that, but I just didn’t feel like it then. I was alone in the house with the kids and I didn’t want to have to play keep away from the kitchen with Isabelle while I tried to sweep and mop the whole floor. I paid for that decision all week. Four times, I stepped on a small piece of glass and had to dig it out with tweezers, wash the wound and affix a band-aid to the bottom of my foot. A few extra minutes when the breakage occurred could have saved me later, as could have a decision to wear shoes in the kitchen until I did. Reminds me of two things: that every decision has a consequence, good or bad and small wounds can cause big hurt.

— I’m having an increasing desire to “do life together” with people, and I’m not confident of being able to fulfill that desire where we’re at. Or maybe I just need to take more initiative. I said earlier this week that I was missing a sense of belonging. I know as a Christian I don’t belong here on earth, but I have to live here till I’m called home, and while I’m here, I want to know I’m part of something. I feel that on Sundays, most of the time. But the rest of the week, not so much. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I was grateful today to be able to hang out with a friend and her daughters. It was unplanned and unscheduled, but it was fun to connect, even though we were just “being.”

— My husband and I accepted a challenge this week, thanks to One Extraordinary Marriage, http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com. It’s totally out of my comfort zone, but I’m learning that I’ll do anything to strengthen my marriage. We’ve only been married three years, and while I know there is a cord holding us together (Ecclesiastes 4:12), sometimes that cord feels more like a kite string than a rope. I’m excited to see what’s changed after a week.

— I’ve been struggling with disappointment over things I thought should have happened but haven’t. I believe that God is in control and will not fail us, but acting on that belief isn’t always easy. I need to tear up my agenda for our lives and submit to His leading. Ugh. I can hardly even type that without throwing an internal tantrum.

I could probably go on, but my Swiss cheese mommy brain needs a break and can only think, “Oh, the laundry’s done,” and “It’s time for a snack!” And maybe I’ll listen to my Father for once and turn in early for some much-needed rest.