Easter

Thirty days. Hard to believe it’s been a full month of a new way of life. I’m grateful for you who are reading along about the often mundane ways we are spending our days.

Day 26: The closer this number gets to 30, the sadder I get, but we’ve been at this long enough that it’s the new normal.

Sleep was interesting last night. About 1 a.m. a thunderstorm rolled through which meant our daughter woke up right away and came to our room. She is now a full-sized human wanting to share our bed when she’s scared, and our bed is not that big. We squeezed in and slept fitfully for the next several hours. I had a knot in my neck from hugging the edge of the bed so tightly. At some point in the night, Phil went to the couch so she and I had more room. Our son slept through the whole thing. I don’t remember my alarm going off, so if it did, I’m sure I turned it off. It was almost 7 before I got out of bed. Phil and our son were up in the living room. The girl is still sleeping.

It was well after 7 before everyone was up and getting breakfast. We aimed for 8 for our educational meeting, but it was a little after. We had our plan for the day and the kids went outside to play. I changed into workout clothes and went for a run. Today’s was the longest amount of time yet–30 minutes, but I took it at easy pace so I only covered a little more than 2 miles. Still, I ran continuously for 30 minutes and I wasn’t winded or exhausted when I finished. There will be other days to give it all I’ve got.

Phil was working on sorting through books on our bookshelves when I left, and that project took him most of the morning. Then, we decided to rearrange most of the shelves in the house, which took us a good portion of the afternoon.

Books was the theme of the day. Before we started working on the bookshelves my box of books for contest judging arrived. This is overwhelming and exciting. It’s work for the next four months, which is good for all sorts of reasons. So, I spent a little time going through the box and double checking the packing list to get myself organized for reading and judging all these books. (It’s one of my favorite things, which probably makes me sound like a horrible person.)

The bookshelves are in a better order, and we cleared one entire shelf for library books so they don’t become scattered all over the house or end up in a pile on the floor. Once we can go to the library again, I will love this system.

Now, I’m waiting on my doctor’s office to call for a telehealth appointment. This is a check-up for my blood pressure medication, and even though I’m not leaving my house, I’m still a little nervous. White coat syndrome even without seeing the white coat!

It was no big deal. I’m going to try going off my blood pressure medication again and see what the readings are for a couple of weeks. If I still need it, the dose can be lowered one more time.

I did some reading and helped figure out dinner. We decided to grill and make potato salad. Collaborative cooking is one of the things I love best about our relationship. Our daughter usually joins in. Tonight, Phil let her get the grill ready and put the meat on (with supervision). I finished reading book 2 of The Wingfeather Saga before dinner. We ate and watched America’s Test Kitchen. I took a shower and got a file organized for my book judging job. It’s a bit of a quiet evening for us. I’m feeling the effects of the restless sleep from last night. I predict an early bedtime all around tonight.

Day 27: It was one episode of The Office and then bedtime for me. I slept more soundly than I have in days but I dreamt a lot. Mostly about school. Co-workers, students, assignments. I can’t believe how much I miss being overworked and underpaid.

Alarm went off at 6:15. I listened to Pray As You Go, especially since it’s Maundy Thursday. I need a bit of anchoring. This weekend is Easter but it will probably be the least Easter-y feeling Easter ever. That doesn’t mean it’s not still special or important. Just different.

Then I stayed in bed scrolling Twitter and Instagram until after 7 o’clock. The boy was up already. The girl was not. But it wasn’t long before everyone was awake and eating breakfast. This is the last “school” day for the kids until Tuesday. I think that will be a nice break. 

The boy and I worked on dishes while Phil and our daughter worked out. The kids then worked on academics for a little while. That weekend feeling is strong even though we have no weekend-y plans. I got in some good reading time for the contest judging. In the middle of our son’s class meeting, our governor made the decision to close all Pennsylvania schools for the rest of the school year. I left the table to go see it for myself and cried in the bedroom. No goodbyes for my students. No collaboration with my co-workers. No closure for the school year. Everything I left at school is just there. I don’t have anything valuable or super important but it’s a weird feeling to not have it all wrapped up.

I tried to think about lunch but grief of all kinds is powerful. I mostly just ate whatever I could see, which is never good but sometimes necessary. We got through lunch. The kids had a little bit of extra screen time after Phil left for work. I told them that TV doesn’t count because it’s not individual face-in-a-screen. A storm moved through dropping sheets of rain and rushing wind. It adds to the stress a little to hear the wind blowing outside. Can’t something just be calm if the rest of the world is chaos? Apparently not.

I read some more and made a list of things to bake this weekend (more stress baking, yay!) and the kids did a little bit more academics and band and chore time to round out their day. Early in the week I had set out times for myself to write and I have yet to keep any of those appointments. So, I worked on a client project for close to an hour. I’m not doing my best work right now, but just doing some work is helpful.

Now it’s 3 o’clock and the kids are watching screens and I’m listening to the wind howl outside. I’m not going to start dinner prep yet, and I might just keep eating. We have a lot of knock-off Oreos in the house. Find comfort where you can, friends.

I went back to reading until Phil got home. We talked for a bit and I got some dinner things out and started. It was a pasta kind of night and we ate while watching the latest episode of LegoMasters. The rest of the family asked what I was interested in watching and I just couldn’t take another food show right now. After dinner, we encouraged the kids to get showers. Phil and I made the produce list for the week and looked up a recipe for the curry we want to make for Easter dinner. Once one child got in the shower, we called to talk to a friend who needed some encouragement and reminding to stay home during this pandemic. We offered to get what he needed from the store if necessary, and we promised to celebrate his birthday when this is all over, no matter the date.

The disappointments run deep for everyone for different reasons. It’s hard to believe that a month ago we couldn’t envision what our lives would be like. I won’t tell you that I’m hopeful, confident or unafraid. Sometimes I feel those things but mostly I feel uncertain, like hoping might be too much effort. Fear is a powerful force and it takes a powerful force to fight it. Sometimes I’m not sure I have it in me.

Collectively, though, I believe we have it in us. But we need each other like never before. We need to borrow hope from one another and we need to value each other enough to stay away for now. I think about the immense burden our leaders are bearing. Our governor has to make these difficult decisions while watching the numbers climb daily and there doesn’t seem to be anything that can stop it. We’re used to sending armies to defeat our enemies, but this battle requires that we go nowhere. Staying put feels like giving up. At least it does to me. I’m not a person of inaction, but there are ways to fight fear and hopelessness without leaving your home. It’s hard but not impossible.

I’m preaching to myself tonight. I barely believe the words I’m writing, but I believe that words have power and can change the world. I’ll keep using them as long as I’m able.

I’m sad tonight. Maybe that’s not all bad. I don’t want to get to the point in this whole thing where I’m closed off to all feelings. I want to feel, even when it hurts, because it means I’m still here. If you’re reading this, then you’re still here, too. Don’t give up, friend. We need you in this fight.

Day 28: Four weeks. Sleep was good last night. It’s a Friday that feels like a Saturday, a normal one anyway because there’s no “school” and Phil is at work. I keep forgetting it’s Friday. I listened to Pray As You Go because it’s Good Friday. Easter weekend. And it’s going to look so different than usual. No family gathered. No church celebration.

The kids are watching shows on TV and it makes me think of all the Saturday mornings I woke up and turned on the TV to whatever was on. We’re working on breakfast. I have a long list of baking things I want to do this weekend, some for Easter, some just because. And I’m planning to set aside some writing time today. Work feels good and is good.

We met briefly at 8 o’clock to lay out what we had to do today. I find it helpful if I tell the kids my intentions for the day as well so they don’t assume I have nothing to do. The kids folded towels and watched TV while I got started on work. Then they moved on to another cleaning project. I worked for about 90 minutes in total. I had a couple of meals/snacks to prep for the weekend, so I went to the kitchen and listened to an Office Ladies podcast while I washed dishes. Then I made an overnight oats recipe.

When the podcast episode was finished, I went looking for Andrew Peterson’s read aloud of The Wingfeather Saga book 1 and started listening to that while I made a brownie recipe from my nutrition/fitness program. The kids came into the kitchen and realized it was almost time for lunch. They had surprised themselves by how much they’d worked. They started getting lunch ready, with some help, and our daughter went out to get the mail. There was another small package from the grandparents that they tore into. It included some of those capsules that you put into warm water and they turn into something else. They were fascinated.

I finished the brownies while I ate lunch and listened to the first night of the reading. I washed another round of dishes because I want the kitchen to be cleanish for later baking and cooking projects. I started the second night of readings while I folded a load of laundry and ate a little more lunch. I want to work out in a little while, but it’s really windy outside and I’m not sure I’m going to enjoy it. Maybe I don’t always have to enjoy it. It’s a Friday that feels like a Saturday because there’s no school meetings or homework today and no one at the business behind our house. As if life was not disorienting enough!

I finished the second night of Wingfeather read-aloud. Time to get ready to work out.

It’s so windy outside. I didn’t want to go outside, but today’s workout is intervals and I haven’t yet found a cardio option I want to do inside for 2 minutes that compares to walking and running. So, I braved the elements. I was feeling really tired when I started but the fresh air and the biting wind woke me up pretty quickly. For those few minutes outside, I felt alive again. This is the fight I have on days when there’s not much to get me moving and out of bed. Sometimes just doing the next thing is the right thing.

I made a smoothie when I finished. I think I’ll spend some time reading this afternoon.

I did that while the kids watched YouTube and cleaned out a bin I asked them to sort through. I asked the kids to stop watching YouTube and they decided to play video games together. I put the clean dishes away while listening to more of Andrew Peterson read from On The Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness. I started some dinner prep, realizing almost too late that I needed more time to bake the sweet potatoes.

Phil came home with our vegetables, the goat meat for our Easter feast and a bunch of goodies from another stand at market: a baguette, some sweet breakfast treats and fresh pasta. I finished working on dinner. The kids took some extra time to finish the game they were playing. Phil took a shower. We ate dinner while watching a Bon Appetit video about all the ways to cook salmon. Because we were eating salmon for dinner.

The kids practiced band after dinner so they could watch more screens later. They’re still sorting through the bin, so it’s valid. I took a shower. It’s been kind of a lazy day. The kids are still wearing the pajamas they slept in last night. A day like this is okay. This is what I’m telling myself.

They went to bed around 8. I watched a bit of Netflix and worked on my cross-stitch. I had trouble falling asleep. During the day, my anxiety seems manageable, then sometimes when I lie down to sleep, it rushes to the surface.

Day 29: Holy Saturday. It’s a day often overlooked in the whole Easter weekend but especially appropriate this year. A day of waiting. Of darkness. Of uncertainty. I listened to Pray As You Go and read what the Book of Common Prayer told me to read for the Daily Office. I was struck by Psalm 88 with lines like these: 

“You have put my friends far from me.”

“Will your loving-kindness be declared in the grave? your faithfulness in the land of destruction? Will you wonders be known in the dark? or your righteousness in the country where all is forgotten?”

“My friend and my neighbor you have put away from me, and darkness is my only companion.”

Sometimes I’m surprised anew by the words I read in an ancient text that have relevance to my modern life.

The kids are playing video games. 

Friends from church left a plant on our porch sometime after we locked the house last night and woke up this morning. Phil must have found it when he left for work this morning.

It’s my brother’s birthday. We’re going to make some cupcakes to celebrate. And by “we” I mean “me” because it’s Saturday and the kids are on their own. While they finished a level of Lego Star Wars, I washed dishes and listened to Andrew Peterson read more chapters of book 1 of The Wingfeather Saga. Then I made the cupcakes. They look like muffins now that they’re out of the oven. Either I didn’t stir them enough or our oven is wonky. Either is a real possibility.

The kids are playing school now with their stuffed animals and dolls. It’s my favorite thing to watch happen because they make up real problems and assignments. I should be reading or doing something more productive than scrolling social media. I wrote a long sappy text to my brother and researched homemade masks. I still haven’t made one, but I think I’m going to try today. I drank more coffee and had a snack.

I went to the kitchen to do some reading, and not long after I had sat down, a van pulled into our driveway with people waving at us. I didn’t recognize them at first, but then our daughter’s best friend got out of the car and came toward the door. I called for my daughter and she and her friend waved at each other through the door. I asked her friend to leave what she brought on the porch and after she went back down the steps, our daughter stepped outside and said “hi” and “happy Easter” to her friend and her family. It’s so hard to watch them not be able to hug each other. Still, it was a nice surprise.

The kids came into the kitchen looking for lunch, so we gathered what we needed for that. I ate a salad and listened to an Office Ladies podcast. After I finished eating, I washed some dishes so I could make the frosting for the cupcakes. Frosted, the cupcakes look better and, don’t tell anyone, but I ate one because there was one that sort of fell apart coming out of the pan. Not too bad. I read a little more and then got ready to do my workout. I missed a call from one of my grandmas because my phone was on the charger. Sounds like we’ll get to see her via video tomorrow.

Partway through my workout, our landlord showed up to mow the lawn. This had been a source of stress/worry for me. We don’t now a lawnmower. It’s part of our lease that he takes care of lawn care. The grass has been getting pretty wild, and we haven’t seen our landlord all winter (not unusual). I was beginning to wonder if we would need to borrow a lawnmower and have a “class” on mowing the lawn.

I finished my workout and made a snack. It’ll be back to the dishes for me. The kids started laundry, which was going to be next on my list, but they’re in more desperate need of it than I am. We’re having homemade pizza tonight.

We burnt the pizza slightly, which was almost a problem for our son, but everyone ate it and was happy. We had the cupcakes for dessert. During dinner we watched Sight and Sound’s production of Jesus that was available to stream for free on the TBN app. It was so beautiful. I cried multiple times. I even got to snuggle with my son a bit. He’s not always into snuggles, but I could tell by his mood that he needed some attention and wasn’t able to ask for it.

Phil and I watched a couple of episodes of The Office as we filled the Easter baskets. The kids saw the candy earlier in the week when Phil got back from the grocery store and maybe we have them convinced the bunny still brought the candy. I don’t know. Both our kids still believe in all the things: Santa, tooth fairy, Easter bunny. I won’t lie: if it was all ruined during a pandemic, I wouldn’t be sorry.

I went to bed and read for a while.

Day 30: Let’s sit with that number for a moment. Thirty. Days. In some ways, it’s all normal and in a lot of other ways, it’s not normal at all.

I woke up and decided to go for a run. Easter sunrise service is one of my favorite things, but we haven’t participated in one for years. Under normal circumstances, we would have gone to one this morning, but it was canceled, of course. An early morning run is almost like a sunrise service for me.

It took me a little while to get ready, but I headed out around 7:30, intending to run for 30 minutes, and that’s what I did. It was cool and sunny and peaceful and I ran almost as far as I did last Sunday, at a slower pace, but honestly I’m just interested in getting it done, not getting it done fast.

When I got home, Phil was eating sunny side up eggs over sweet potatoes and offered to make me some. I made coffee, stretched, drank water and had some of the raspberry bread he brought home earlier in the week. We saved it for Easter morning, and it was delicious. My eggs were perfectly cooked, and I feel so loved. Breakfast is my love language.

I took a shower and Phil dug out his Easter outfit for online church–the suit he wore for our wedding. It’s pink from top to bottom, and it fits him loosely so it was almost comical to see him wearing it. He found an unopened package of McDonald’s cookies in the breast pocket. Because on our way from the church to the reception venue, our brother-in-law drove us through the McDonald’s drive-through. Thirteen-year-old expired cookies is a fun find.

As we readied ourselves–with communion elements–for online church, I told Phil I’d marry him again, especially knowing we would get to this point of our marriage. A place that’s mostly calm and good. There have been other seasons of our marriage where I’m not sure I would have said that I would do it all over again.

Online church was encouraging. We got to sing together and experience the sermon all at the same time. We took communion collectively though separate. And we had a good sermon discussion time afterward.

We have a full afternoon of food prep ahead of us, plus some online calls with family. 

It’s night now. Bedtime was rough. The day is catching up with me. I’m irritable and cranky, and I’m afraid it’s my medication, or lack thereof. This may not be the best time to go off my blood pressure medication, but I can’t seem to say that to my doctor when she suggests it. We’ll try again tomorrow.

Our Easter dinner was African-inspired: goat curry, chapatis (flatbread), Formosan fried cabbage and samosas.

The kids set the table. It’s the first time we’ve eaten at the table in a month.

We had cheesecake for dessert. And took a walk between dinner and dessert. The kids rode their scooters and the sounds of joy as they coasted down the hill are some of my favorite things in the world right now.

So much food. Then we watched both episodes of John Krasinski’s Some Good News because I hadn’t shared those with the family yet.

We had a good time right up until bedtime and then it all went south. I hate how everything seems to turn on a dime. Like, there’s no warning that one of us is about to blow up. We’re holding too much inside, and I don’t know how to let it out in a healthy and productive way. Maybe that’s too much to ask.

A good night of sleep makes everything better, or at least more manageable.