Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

honesty

Limping into church

Last week, two days after minor outpatient knee surgery, my husband limped into church with his knee bulging with bandages.

He drew quite a bit of attention, including questions like: “What’d you do?” and “Get in a fight?” and, my personal favorite, “She kick you?” (Yes, all 5’4″ of me kicked my 6’0″  husband hard enough to make him limp and send him to the hospital.)

They were concerned and like family, that sometimes comes out with humor. Even this week, people asked about his knee.

Funny, isn’t it, how easy it is to ask and answer when the wounds are physical.

The same day people were asking my husband about his knee, I was spiritually and emotionally limping into church, carefully preparing an answer to the “how are you?” question that was honest yet not overwhelming. Because frankly, I’m not fine. Or good. Or okay. But I say those things to protect myself from an all-out public cryfest.

Because if I answered honestly, I’d be a puddle of tears, and I might not stop crying. And you might hear me doubt God. And wonder if He’s there. And question whether He’s good. And lament our lot, for now.  And for some reason I think those things aren’t appropriate for church.

Am I the only one who puts on an everything’s-fine face on Sunday mornings?

My husband’s recent surgery and church attendance make me wonder how many of us there are. How many of us are limping on the inside but walking tall on the outside? How many of us are feeling not quite right and need some rest but don’t feel like that’s a good excuse to miss church or Sunday School? How many of us are desperate for someone to really ask us about our internal wounds and at the same time scared that if they do they might regret it? (You can’t see me, but I’m raising my hands yelling, “Me! Me! Me!”)

This isn’t the first time I’ve wondered this.

And I still wonder what to do about it. Do I just let it all out? Do I admit that this is definitely NOT how I envisioned life after seminary? That even though I’ll be a pastor’s wife someday, I’m not all that happy with God right now?

I have people who know these things; people I run to when I just need to say, “Life sucks!” But I feel like a fraud when I appear to have it all under control on Sunday mornings. Because I am so. not. in. control.

I have not lost faith. I won’t lose faith. Because Jesus has changed my life in incredible, impossible ways. He means too much to me to give Him up.

I am wrestling, though. Wandering in a desert that seems to be without end. Clinging to the slimmest of margins. Trusting in what looks impossible by human standards.

And that’s not always pretty.

So, accept my apology for putting on a happy face when I feel anything but happy. Forgive my feeble attempts to convince you I’m fine when I’m not.

Teach me how to let you in so I don’t feel like a fake. Help me to show you my wounds without shame.

And let me do the same for you.

An open book on marriage

It started with a sermon series called “The Peasant Princess” about the Song of Songs. My husband and I started listening to this series a while ago when our marriage was in need of a serious boost. (Confession: we haven’t finished the series but hope to go back to it soon.) During that series, the pastor, Mark Driscoll, revealed that he and his wife, Grace, were writing a book on marriage. Based on the insights I was gleaning from the sermon series, I considered the book a must-read before I even knew when it was releasing.

When I had the chance to get my hands on Real Marriage: the Truth about Sex, Friendship and Life Together for free through the publisher’s blogging program, I grabbed it.

I would have paid money for this book, though. The Driscolls haven’t just written a book on marriage. They’ve written THE book on marriage. They pull no punches when it comes to the foundation for a successful marriage (friendship), how to have a fulfilling love life (serve one another), and keeping hope alive (plan and dream about the future). The book is part memoir — the Driscolls honestly talk about their mistakes before marriage, the early years of their life together when they weren’t living “happily ever after” and what it took to overcome and change all that — and part handbook. A good chunk toward the end of the book offers a blueprint for intentionality in marriage. It’s like homework, but I’m really excited to dig into it with my husband and dream about all our marriage can be.

If your marriage is new, Real Marriage can help you avoid some common — and maybe not-so-common — pitfalls. At the very least, it’s encouraging that no matter your past or current experience, a great marriage is possible.

If you’re in the pre-marriage stage — engaged or nearly engaged, then Real Marriage would be useful in a premarital counseling setting. I consider some parts of the book “for marrieds or to-be-marrieds only” so use discretion if you’re in the single-and-looking category.

If your marriage is seasoned with years, use this book as a way to connect with younger married couples and pre-married couples around you.

FAVORITES: The reverse-engineering plan at the end of the book. I love practical application. It would be a shame to have read this book and not known what to do with the information. The plan offers a lengthy and detailed examination of your marriage and where you want it to go. Like I said earlier, I’m excited for this.

FAULTS: The Driscolls take firm stances on just about everything. I disagreed with them on a few points, and at times I felt like they were portraying themselves as the only couple with the truth about marriage. It’s irritating but not a deal-breaker for reading the book. The Driscolls even give that as a warning in the preface “How Not to Read this Book,” saying that they strive to be biblical but are imperfect and will make  mistakes.

IN A WORD: Real. Okay, so it’s in the title of the book, but the Driscolls are Real (capital “R” intended) about everything from their lives before marriage and the mistakes they’ve made since to the hyper-sexualized culture we live in. Seriously, there were times in this book I was almost blushing because of how frank they are in discussing certain topics. But an unwillingness in the church to discuss sex and the questions everyone’s thinking but no one dares ask can lead to an unhealthy and ungodly view of sex and marriage as God intended. I’m sure writing the book couldn’t have been easy, but bravo to the Driscolls for holding nothing back.

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In exchange for this review, I received a free copy of Real Marriage: the Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together from Thomas Nelson Publishers.

I review for BookSneeze®