Day 67: Uggghhhhhh. That’s just an overall feeling, nothing specific. I woke up before my alarm. Scrolled socials then got out of bed to take my coffee to the porch. The scrolling of socials sort of negates the going outside. Must. Break. The Habit. I sat on the porch listening to the squirrels scamper and the birds chirp. I spotted a woodpecker in the neighbor’s tree. I realized my house is like an island for me. It’s a place of safety and stepping off the porch or out onto the road is kind of scary. My daughter and I have to leave the house tomorrow for a routine doctor’s appointment, and it will be the first time I’ve driven in more than 2 months, the first time I’ve been anywhere I couldn’t walk or run to, the first interaction I’ll have had with people who are not my family.
My house is also like an anchor that tethers me. When I go for a run, I stay close enough to the house that I never feel too far away.
I paid bills when I came back in. Have I mentioned before how oddly satisfying it is for me to check off the bills for the month?
After getting the kids started on school work, sort of, I went outside to take care of some plant tasks. There were two, no three, I wanted to repot, so I worked on that. Son needed my help with school, so I was in and out a lot. When the three plants were in new pots with new soil, I decided to clear the flower beds. Some weeds had taken over. Someone in a large truck honked and waved as I was clearing the bed by the road. I’m not sure who it was, but thank you! After the weeds were taken care of, I cleared the rest of one flower bed and scattered some wildflower seeds I found in “storage.”
The despair was hovering today so I attacked it with aggressive weeding and planting hope and beauty. These are my weapons. My body aches from the effort, and I hope it’s worth it.
I changed into workout clothes when I came in, just to prepare myself for the afternoon. We ate lunch. I watched a When Calls the Heart episode while having lunch, washing dishes and folding laundry. Daughter had to manage a couple of video calls. Once we decided we were set with those, I got to my workout. But I also had to reply to a couple of work emails and the training and the recording of hours, so my mindset for my workout was distracted at best. Still, I did it.
Then, daughter wanted to upload her video for the virtual choir, so she practiced and then we reviewed all the requirements. We did a practice video and she decided that she needed to sing more loudly. I agreed. We managed to get a good second take that she was proud of and wanted to submit. Then came the hard part. I had to get the video from my phone to my computer to upload it on the site. I probably could have done it all on my phone, but sometimes it’s just easier for me to do it on the computer. All of my cloud storage apps were practically full, so I took some time to download and save photos from our trip to Boston three years ago onto my computer. That freed up a lot of space, but took a lot of time. Then I had to transfer her video and compress it and upload it, and two hours after we started, it was done. Her certificate is printed and I’m proud of her for doing something new that wasn’t necessarily easy.
I changed into regular clothes in the hopes that I would be able to get some other work done. I did do a little bit of reading. The TV has been on all afternoon. We haven’t met all of our daily requirements for tasks. I’m out of energy to force it all to happen. I have a plan for dinner. Phil just got home. I’m feeling a little bit aimless right now, which is not an unusual feeling these days. I don’t know what normal will feel like in the future.
My attention span is waning and I want to numb all of my feelings. Sometimes. Not all the time. I probably just need to drink more water and eat a semi-nutritious dinner. Afternoon snacking might be the downfall right now.
We had dinner while watching Good Mythical Morning. Watered the garden while the kids rode bikes. Sat on the couch reading. None of us seemed to have the energy for a family game night. Phil and I watched the rest of the Cotswolds travel documentary and then went to bed.
Day 68: One of my favorite songs right now is “Caution” by The Killers. It’s the beat and the words and it just makes me feel wild and free, which is just about the opposite of how life really is right now. But the last few lines are what are sticking with me: “Cause it’s some kind of sin, to live your whole life, on a might’ve been.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about what life is going to be like on the other side of this pandemic. When we’re freer to go places and see people. It scares me sometimes but also excites me. Because it’s like we get to reset. We don’t have to go back to the way things were. And that line from the song fits with my attitude since the year I turned 40 and made the list of things I don’t want to put off anymore. I’ve been trying to live with no regrets, not in reckless abandon but with courage and curiosity and intention. This whole social distancing/isolation/quarantine reinforces this idea that I don’t want to live a might’ve been kind of life.
I want to have experiences and go places I’ve always wanted to go. I want to tell people what they mean to me and never miss a chance to give a hug or a kind word. I don’t want to be afraid or overly cautious about new things. I might not throw caution, like the song says, but I definitely want to make it a lesser voice when I make decisions.
Anyway, those are the first thoughts of today. I took my coffee to the porch without checking my email or socials first, so that’s a small victory. Today, I’ll get to see the world outside my neighborhood for the first time in months, and I’m anxious. It will be okay. When I did get to my email, I had one about a launch team I joined, so I took some time introducing myself to the group. This is hard for me because I can never sum up who I am in a short comment. (It’s usually not that short!) Connecting online is hard. I usually want to know more and everything about people with whom I share a little thing in common, like a favorite author.
I spent the first part of the morning helping my son with a letter to his fifth-grade teacher. It’s a generic letter; we won’t know his teacher till summer. Then I worked out and organized the boxes for donation. Phil took seven boxes of clothing, shoes and toys to the thrift store that’s accepting donations. This does not count the book boxes still sitting in our house waiting for the library to reopen. The decluttering refreshes my soul.
Lunch. Dishes. A phone call from my doctor’s office that they finally have my medication, so I’m all set with an appointment for that. Yahoo! Started laundry. Showered. I took some writing time this afternoon before the girl and I have to go out for errands.
I was pretty anxious about leaving. I wiped down every part of the car she and I would touch because it hasn’t been done. We gathered our masks and our courage and the items that need to be returned to school. We passed the road that marks the farthest I’ve been away from our house in more than 2 months. And we found the world mostly as it was. It’s still spinning. It’s still beautiful. There are messages of hope in front of people’s houses and on businesses. It reminds me a little of how the world was after 9/11. We dropped off the books at the school and drove to the doctor’s office for an immunization booster. And it was a little surreal. We had to call the front desk to check in and wait outside for someone to come get us. The nurse who came was wearing a mask and a face shield and she escorted us to the back. There was some confusion about what kind of appointment we were there for, but it was quickly and easily cleared up. My daughter got her immunization and we had to wait for 15 minutes. We had nearly the entire office to ourselves besides the medical staff because they aren’t seeing patients for regular appointments in the office. The 15 minutes passed. We chatted briefly with our provider and then another nurse escorted us out of the building, offering to open every door for us so we didn’t have to touch anything. This is not the most efficient way to practice medicine, I know, but the personal service was nice. We drove home, deposited our masks in the hampers and washed our hands.
I’m not eager to go out and about in a full-fledged manner, but knowing that it’s possible and not as scary as it seems from inside my house is comforting.
Phil made us another delicious dinner, a vegetarian korma over smashed fingerling potatoes. He also made rice pudding and chocolate chip cookies. You can be a little jealous. We watched some Jim Gaffigan content during dinner. Son and I went for a walk because he needed active time for the day. Phil had an evening chiropractor appointment. I watered the garden and some of the other plants. I read another chapter of Upside-Down Magic out loud to my son.
Phil and I watched an episode of Poldark and The Office. Both left me with a lot of feels.
Day 69: I woke up early to go for a run. My son has a telehealth counseling appointment this morning, which throws off our rhythm a little, but I don’t mind getting out there early and getting it done. It was cool this morning, but not uncomfortable. Forty degrees in May is different from forty degrees in January. I took a country route today. One thing this pandemic has done for me is lessened my fears of running on roads and it’s given me more time to vary my routes. The decreased traffic helps with the road running, also. I had to hopscotch some “road apples” on my route this morning. (To be clear: Amish buggies are pulled by horses and horses poop on the road.) Yesterday, my daughter and I drove with the windows down and smelled the pungent manure odor in the air. “Poop’s not cancelled,” we said, giggling.
The neighborhoods were quiet. I passed a couple of other runners and a friend’s house that had been decorated for a 16th birthday. It made me smile.
Breakfast. Late coffee. And it’s time to meet with the kids. I’ve missed my morning quiet on the porch for today, but maybe I can do it later in the day.
Checked in with the kids then got in the shower before son’s counseling appointment. We gathered his necessary materials for that, namely his blankets and stuffed friends. We set ourselves up in the fort of his bed, and it was a productive and helpful hour for me, at least. Our schedule for the rest of the day was off a bit. Son skipped his class meeting because of the counseling appointment but tuned in for a reading game with his class. The morning felt a little aimless for me. Phil left early for work because they’re loading up for the holiday weekend. What even is a holiday weekend anymore?
I washed dishes. Folded laundry. Listened to Office Ladies podcast. Made guacamole for a snack and prepped the meat for dinner. Son had a band lesson and then he finished his academic work. Phil was home earlier than usual. I sat on the porch to read for work because it’s a beautiful spring day.
While I was sitting on the porch, the bird left the nest and came back. Not long after it came back, a crow got too close and there was a sort of bird fight. I don’t know if the dove was trying to draw the crow away on purpose, but they both flew away in a sort of chase. Only the dove returned a few minutes later. It landed on the porch roof and kept peeking its head over as if to check if it was all clear. Then it flew to the ground and looked around before going back to the nest. It was wild in the wildest sense.
Dinner and Good Mythical Morning, a couple of episodes we had to abandon because of inappropriate content for our children. Daughter did Just Dance for active time after dinner. Son wanted to ride his bike, so I sat outside and watched him. We didn’t water the plants because rain was on the horizon.
Negotiations for dessert almost ended poorly. Then I read some more Upside-Down Magic to my son before tucking both kids in. I settled in for a When Calls the Heart marathon and cross-stitch. I ended up watching 3 episodes and trying to untangle some strands. I forgot to get my coffee set up for the morning, but by the time I remembered, it was too late to run the coffee grinder.
Day 70: It’s evening and the first time I’m sitting down to document the day. I don’t know if that means it feels more like normal or if there’s no meaning in it at all.
The kids are making a workout/playlist on Just Dance, and it’s kind of dizzying if you’re just watching. They’re burning a lot of calories arguing. I’ll go backwards for the day now, I guess. We just finished watching the first episode of Ultimate Tag, which premiered this week on Fox. It’s surprisingly a lot like American Gladiators which was a favorite in my childhood. I want to show the kids some episodes of that. Ultimate Tag was interesting, but honestly, it’s a little overdone on the drama and the characters of the taggers. I miss the simplicity of American Gladiators, but maybe I won’t think that way if I actually watch an old episode. I guess this means I’m at the age where everything old is new again.
It rained most of the day today which means I wanted to eat all day and drink all the warm beverages, even though it wasn’t really cold outside. For a Friday, it felt like we got a lot done. I started the day on the porch with coffee, but I could feel the antsy-ness in my body. Not that I had a lot to do but just getting on with the day gives me a sense of purpose. I spent the first chunk of the morning researching the next month of my fitness program. I’ve heard from others who are ahead of me that it’s challenging and I wanted to make sure I had variations for each exercise picked out. I’m starting tomorrow on month 4. Although I’ve been working out according to this program for almost four months already.
We checked in about academics, which aren’t a lot on Fridays. I know I did dishes and laundry this morning while listening to Office Ladies. I started another book for judging. At lunch, I started watching When Calls the Heart and continued after lunch while folding laundry and resting. I watched two episodes and the second one had me crying lots of tears. I completed another training module for work and made dinner.
There’s a rhythm to our days, sometimes, and there’s not a lot of variety. My grandma called. That was something out of the ordinary. She thanked me for the school pictures of the kids I sent, and we talked a little bit about the monotony of our days. Always good to hear voices of my family.
Phil is prepping for work tomorrow with laundry and getting his food ready. We made the produce list for next week. Because it rained all day, there’s no need to check on the garden. I can see it from the kitchen window and I hope the rain will be beneficial to it. I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to replace the tomato plants. I didn’t take as good care of them as I could have when they arrived in my care.
I also learned during the day that our entire state will be moving to the yellow phase on June 5. It’s movement, but I’m trying not to get too excited about it because we still need to be careful. I’m not eager to jump back in to life as we knew it once.
I watched 2 episodes of When Calls the Heart while cross-stitching and talked to our friend David for a little bit.
The blossoms look like stars.
Day 71: Saturday. I read books. I watched Netflix. I washed dishes. The kids played an imagination game. I worked out (and sweated a lot). I invested emotionally in a lot of fictional worlds today so I’m kind of drained. Our daughter chose the dinner for tonight and made most of it herself. I helped out a little. She enjoys cooking so we’re adding a night of the week for her to contribute, too.
The garden has been well-watered from the rain, and there are shoots coming up from the seeds I planted, which makes me happy.
Today, I’m just tired, even though I don’t feel like I did that much. Also, it’s okay to be tired. And unproductive. Some days, I just need the escape of fiction and the refreshment of rest, and Saturdays are a good day for that.
Phil and I rented Knives Out from Fandango for 99 cents and it was an enjoyable movie. I’d heard good things about it and I’m glad we had the chance to watch it.
Day 72: Highlight of today is that I went to the grocery store instead of sending Phil. I needed some things for my new month of the meal plan, and it’s not necessarily his time to go. Plus it’s just time for me to start venturing out when necessary. I went after my workout, which was sweaty and tiring, but I had adrenaline and endorphins on my side. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was strange to see everyone wearing masks and it seems like people are hyperaware of other people. I had a list and I stuck to it mostly. I was in and out in less than 30 minutes, and if I think too long about it, I’ll probably be anxious about it, but I survived it and still had time to take a quick shower before online church.
After lunch, I did some food prep with the ingredients I picked up at the store. I made three things for breakfasts and snacks in the coming weeks while catching up on Office Ladies podcast, then I needed to lie down and take a rest, so I watched When Calls the Heart. The kids played outside for a bit. Phil took a nap.
With dinner, we watched the first episode of The Big Flower Fight. We like creative competition shows.
My workouts the last two days were challenging, so I’m struggling with some sore muscles right now. Hoping it won’t be too hard to go for a run tomorrow. There’s no school tomorrow, and we’re in the home stretch of online schooling. Summer is coming, and I don’t know what it will all look like for us.
There was a NASCAR race on, so Phil and I filled out our mail-in ballots for the primary election while watching. I read some of Good Omens, my current loan from the library.
Day 73: My hope is that we’re on the downside of all this. Not that everything will magically go back to normal but that we’ll be able to ease back into some sort of normalcy. I fear for summer and what it means for how we spend our days.
I sat on the porch with my coffee. It’s quieter this morning, probably because it’s a holiday, although I don’t know how much “holiday” there is. I need to go for a run, but drinking water and stretching have been good for me.
It’s evening now, and I have a colossal headache. I’m not sure why. Here’s how the rest of the day went after this morning. We video called with my parents. The kids half-listened while playing games on their screens. Ugh. I went for a run. I wasn’t sure how far I was going to go. I ended up running almost 3 miles. My hamstrings were so tight at the beginning, but I feel good now having done it.
The alternative rock station was playing the top 90 alternative hits from the ’90s, so I spent the rest of the morning listening to that while I had a post-run snack, washed dishes, folded laundry, showered and put together more letters/pictures for friends and family. No mail today, but when tomorrow comes, our box will be FULL of outgoing mail.
I took my work reading outside to the porch because it’s another gorgeous day. I checked on the garden. All’s as well as can be expected out there. Phil came home and together we encouraged the kids to get outside. His encouragement included locking the house after we were all outside and not opening it again for an hour, unless there was a bathroom need. (There wasn’t.) News flash: we’re the worst parents ever for making our kids be outside on a nice day. FYI. Man, this is going to be a great summer because I think it’s the only way we’re going to get the kids outside on a regular basis. They’re super excited about our hiking and biking plans, too. (sarcasm font)
I made dinner. We watched another episode of The Big Flower Fight, then tried to get together our online dinner order for tomorrow. (It’s our anniversary, so we’re ordering takeout.) It was more of an ordeal, and with all of the sass and attitude we’ve had to day, the kids are going to bed early. Maybe I’ve found the source of my headache.
The kids went to bed early and I watched several episodes of When Calls the Heart.
Day 74: It’s our anniversary, and I’ve had a full experience of emotions today. Everything from anxiety and irritability to overwhelming gratitude and love. I cried real tears streaming down my face when I got my husband’s annual anniversary tweet that dedicates a song to our relationship. I’m just overcome with a lot of memories and moments from 13 years of marriage.
We ordered dinner from a local restaurant and set the table for two. The kids ate in the living room and watched YouTube while Phil and I pretended we were at a restaurant. We put on nicer than usual clothes and ate off of fancy plates with a lit candle on the table. Sometimes, you just need to make it special anyway.
