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Beauty on the Backroads

Stories of grace for life's unexpected turns

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Who I am and who I want to be

November 12, 2012

Ten minutes before we were supposed to head out with some friends for trick-or-treating, I was arguing with our 4-year-old daughter over shoes. And trying to coerce our almost-3-year-old son to pick up a mess he’d made in the living room. I was seconds from throwing my hands up and canceling the whole trip because I was overwhelmed, stressed and out of control.

Turns out we all left the house wearing appropriate clothing, the living room wasn’t a disaster and we had a great time.

As we strolled the neighborhood with our kids, us mom friends joked about not having “the mom gene.” The next day I affirmed my lack of “the mom gene” on Facebook after a particularly tough day with the kids.

Mom gene or not, some women just seem born to be mothers. They thrive where others of us merely survive, and motherhood seems extraordinarily kind to them. (Do they even have stretch marks or C-section scars, I wonder?)

Prone to play the comparison game, I examine my life and motherhood in the light of these shining examples. And I feel dull.

I picture myself on the other side of motherhood–oversized (from too much chocolate and stress-induced eating) and overwrought (I can see my frazzled hair and the wild look in my eyes)–not even knowing who I am, feeling like life passed  me by while I was raising my kids (as if life can’t be found in the midst of mothering).

I do not want to be that woman. She’s resigned. And bitter. Lost. And unlovely in all ways. She’s given everything for everyone else and has nothing left for herself.

And I know that the choice to be or not to be resides in the now. Will I make the choices that lead me down the path of resentment or face the uphill climb against what I feel toward the mountain of contentment?

Because let me tell you, contentment, though it sounds easy, is far from it.

Content to wipe rear ends and clean the bathroom and say “no” for the hundredth time and answer the millionth question? I’m not that there yet.

Emotions and circumstances conspired against me this week to give me a foul mood. Or maybe I just used those as excuses for being cranky. Life will never be perfectly perfect and even if it was, I’m sure I could find something amiss. (I’ve been “blessed” with a critical spirit. Lucky me.)

So I must submit to this training ground, this life that cannot be exchanged like an unwanted Christmas gift, and trust that the pruning of all things self isn’t going to kill me and leave me useless and unfruitful but will sever that which drains the Life out of me and will make me more fruitful.

© Dan Wallace | Dreamstime.com

Perhaps those moms with the mom gene learned these lessons long ago or have submitted to them earlier or have less to learn in this area. I try not to envy their lives because I don’t see the whole picture, but some days, I long for greener grass. Mary DeMuth in her book Everything reminded me this week that greener pastures lies not in a change of location but in a deeper devotion. She says:

We live in a culture of comparison. We tend to measure our growth not against ourselves but against those folks around us. We see a champion of the faith and feel small. We see a struggling pilgrim, and we amplify ourselves. We forget that growth is a dynamic relationship between us and our Savior. … We have to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in our lives if we want to thrive. Simply put, the grass isn’t greener on your friend’s property; it’s greener where you water it.

© Winterberg | Dreamstime.com

I’m not much of a gardener either, but I know the importance of water. And spiritually speaking, Living Water is the only cure for what ails me.

And I am a thirsty soul.

Filed Under: Children & motherhood, faith & spirituality Tagged With: change, comparison, contentment, Halloween, Holy Spirit, living water, motherhood, parenting, spiritual growth

Saturday smiles: unexpected pleasure edition

November 10, 2012

Less than a week after missing my kids like crazy I’m counting the minutes till bedtime again. It’s been a stressful, tiring week. (Is there any other kind? I’m hopeful but I haven’t seen it yet.) We’re adjusting to a new work schedule for my husband and a new set of circumstances for the kids and me. Change always brings a bit of friction, doesn’t it?

But like those car commercials featuring Ted Allen explaining a type of fruit at a market and Peter Frampton filling in for a local band’s ill guitarist, this week held some unexpected pleasures.

Like our kids being super cooperative car travellers. This isn’t really unexpected because they’ve been subjected to these cross-country car trips their whole lives, but I keep thinking one of these days, we’re not going to be so lucky. So far, that day hasn’t come.

On this trip, Isabelle, our 4-year-old, made up her own game called “Dress the Houses.” The idea was that if you saw a house, you pretended to dress it: with a hat on the roof, overalls on the “body,” etc. Where she came up with that, I have no idea, but it gave us some laughs. Then we decided to try the story game, where one person starts a story and the next person adds to it and so on. I thought we were going to crash the car, we were laughing so hard. Isabelle titled the first story “Twins of the Heart.” I gave the “twins” the names “Lucy” and “Goosey.” She decided the parents would be named “Warzone” and “Exit.” (No prompting. I have no idea what goes on in that head of hers.)

Later she said, “I can’t keep my thoughts in my head.” Boy, do I know that feeling. Our second story featured a community of alligators. When some people came to visit the alligators “ate them to death” according to Isabelle. She also said her hair was the color “dipped in lizard.” It was all much funnier at the time, probably because we were road weary. School for her ought to be interesting. I’m dreading the parent-teacher conferences already.

We were housebound most of the week, which is unusual for us. I found some joy in the domestic arts of cooking and cleaning. I stocked our freezer with cream of carrot soup and homemade chicken stock. I made dinner every night this week except one. I even tried my hand at homemade cinnamon rolls this morning. (I need more practice.) I scrubbed the bathroom floor. I dusted. I kept the dishes clean. I washed and folded laundry. We still have areas that are messy in the house, but the next couple of months might find our house the cleanest it’s been since we’ve lived here.

We went trick-or-treating with another family, who have all become good friends to us, and even though it was dark and cold and we had to approach people’s houses (I get anxiety just thinking about it) and stand in a long and winding line at the local retirement home for safe trick-or-treat, we had fun. And the kids have enough candy to last us all till next year, at least.

We reconnected with another set of friends and had an afternoon of play that not only broke up the monotony of the week but encouraged me in many ways. Sometimes when I’m stressed and not feeling quite myself, I retreat from other humans and find comfort in books. This week, friends were a blessing. Not unexpected but I easily forget what I need.

I’m in no danger of buying a Buick anytime soon, but I can agree that this week, unexpected pleasures were the best part of life.

Filed Under: Saturday smiles Tagged With: change, domestic arts, friends, stress, tiring week, trick-or-treating, unexpected pleasures

What we leave behind

November 8, 2012

I don’t think much about legacy, or how I’ll be remembered, until one of my kids repeats a behavior I’m trying to break or I hear in my own voice decades-old words I’m trying to forget.

Legacy. It’s heavy stuff.

And we’re talking about it over at The Deeper Leader blog this week: “How do you think you’ll be remembered? What kind of Legacy do you hope to leave behind?” Add your voice by commenting or posting a blog of your own.

It’s an appropriate topic for this week, when we’ve exercised one of our great freedoms in this country by voting. A president’s legacy is one that overshadows him almost before he even takes office.

But I have to ask, is thinking about legacy–a good one, anyway–a detriment to leaving one?

I’m guessing that those who have left the greatest legacies, be they presidents, activists, philanthropists, parents, or anyone in between, didn’t think about what they were doing as “leaving a legacy.” If I let those words hover over my daily activities, I wonder if I’d accomplish anything worthwhile. No pressure!

I almost always think of legacy as something positive, and when I consider the people who have left a legacy in my life, I think of those who invested time or money or experience in my life in some personal way. Of course, legacy can be a bad thing, and in some families, a legacy of pain, suffering, abuse and neglect can transcend generations. One way I see my life’s legacy is to serve as an ending point for any painful legacies passed on through the years.

I don’t know if anyone will consciously talk about my legacy. I can’t imagine having a building bearing my name or a monument erected to my memory–wouldn’t that be something!–but what I imagine, and hope for most, is a legacy of faith. That my children would love the Lord with all their mind, soul and strength and follow Him wherever He leads. That they would have children who would follow Him, too. That because Christ wooed me to Himself, because He worked in generations past to preserve our family line, generations yet to come would know Him, serve Him and build His kingdom.

I read these words today, from Psalm 71, not knowing that legacy was the topic for the blog this week:

And now that I am old and gray-headed, O God, do not forsake me,
till I make known your strength to this generation
and your power to all who are to come.

I am neither old (34) nor gray-headed (my stylist found one gray hair on my birthday a few years back) but this, this, is the legacy I long for. That God’s great and mighty works would be known to future generations. That what He has done in my life will not die with me but will endure in the days to come.

I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t want to be remembered fondly and well.

The key to that is to live now the way you want to be remembered.

A lasting legacy, then, is sure to follow.

Filed Under: Children & motherhood, faith & spirituality, leadership Tagged With: death, generational sin, how will I be remembered, leadership, legacy, presidential election

Surrender never sounded so sweet: A review of Everything by Mary DeMuth

November 7, 2012

Surrender.

It’s almost a dirty word, isn’t it? Hearing it evokes images of giving up, losing and waving a white flag. Beaten. Over. Done.

Author Mary DeMuth redeems the idea of surrender in her new book Everything: What you give and what you gain to become like Jesus.

This is not an easy topic to tackle, nor do I imagine it’s particularly popular. Surrender is not a sexy sell for Christianity. Imagine this conversation: “Oh, you want to be a Christian? Okay, just give God everything. That’s all.” DeMuth addresses this in one chapter in the book, saying we, the church, often boil down the Gospel to “All you do is (fill in the blank).” Then we add requirements later and wonder why people walk away from a faith they so easily embraced.

DeMuth says the gospel starts with “all you do is die to your own desires and embrace Jesus’ lordship.” “All your life is the gospel,” DeMuth says.

I’ve been chewing on the chapters of this book for almost a month now, and though I’m not quite finished with the book, I didn’t want to wait another week to share it with you. Because one of the chapters I read today was about politics and how we treat people who have different opinions or lifestyles or beliefs than us. A timely word if ever there was one.

Throughout, DeMuth approaches the Everything life, as she calls it, with transparency and humility. She is a sweet soul who admits from the start that she is “a fellow struggler, one who doesn’t often feel Jesusy or strong or faith-filled.” I appreciate the honesty with which she shares about her journey. The abuse she suffered as a child. The ministry “failures” her family has experienced. The hurt from fellow believers. The disconnect between belief and action.

She is not speaking from a lofty tower of Christian perfection. She is pounding the pavement of life, day in, day out, seeking the heart of Jesus.

This is the sort of book I could underline nearly all of, and my journal is filled with notes and quotes from DeMuth’s experiences and wisdom. The book is small, but mighty. Not bogged down with incomprehensible jargon but simply stated truths. I will go back to this book again and again. Everything came at a time when I needed encouragement that following God doesn’t always look like success, that personal sacrifices are worth it, that others have surrendered everything and found God faithful and their lives filled.

So, get your hands on this book. It’s food for the soul.

And would you pray for Mary DeMuth and her family? In the midst of the book launch for Everything, her youngest daughter is suffering from an undiagnosed illness that causes debilitating headaches. She blogs and updates here regularly. Further proof that following Christ doesn’t mean everything will always go the way you want or expect. But following Him is always worth it.

————–

In exchange for my review, I received a free copy of Everything from Thomas Nelson through the Booksneeze program.

Filed Under: faith & spirituality, Non-fiction, The Weekly Read Tagged With: christian life, depth of faith, politics, spiritual growth, surrender, the gospel

The writing relationship

November 5, 2012

It’s November, which means for the second year in a row I’m attempting to write 50,000 words of a novel in a month.

Crazy right?

Yep.

But not as crazy for me as NOT writing.

See, I have this wacky relationship with words. I need them. I cherish them. I cry over them.

Last week as my husband and I took time to clean and sort our things in the attic, I found a box full of notebooks and journals. In them were more than a decade’s worth of words and lessons and notes about what I’d been reading in the Bible.

They were wet. Or had been. And when I pulled them from the box, they were moldy and stuck to each other and undecipherable.

And still I hesitated to throw them away.

Those were my words!

Fear not; they are in a garbage bag awaiting a trip to the curb this weekend.

It still pains me to see them ruined.

And yet I have hope because words are part of me. Maybe I can’t re-create the words or the notes or the life lessons. And maybe it’s good that I can’t relive the early years of our marriage with a day-by-day dramatic and emotional account in my own words.

Sometimes, I need to write just to get the feelings out. To process all that’s going on in my head. I think in written words, not spoken ones. When I open my mouth, I tend to say little or speak a ton of nonsense. I don’t really have a happy medium when I speak. Writing, though, is a whole different story. (Pun intended?) It’s my therapy. My encouragement. My soul-cleansing.

And it’s a demanding friend.

The more time I give it, the more time it wants. In the quiet of my home these last few days, I’ve showered my writing with attention. Tomorrow, I will feel guilt when I have to divert my attention to the children. Writing and children CAN coexist without attention starvation. I’m still working that balance.

Writing requires commitment. And commitment is always hard work. And hard work is rarely easy but almost always worth it.

I find myself comparing my writing relationship to other writers, and just like in friendships and marriages, no good can come of the comparison game. Still, I am jealous sometimes of the time other writers can spend with their writing.

And I wonder if I’ve chosen wisely, this friendship with writing. We are lifelong friends, though, and to lose this friend would be to lose a piece of myself. This friendship might not ever (okay reality check: will not ever) make me rich in the ways of money, but it enriches my life in ways I can’t tally.

So if you see me this month, and I have a far-off look in my eyes, it’s because I’m dreaming of my next writing span. Or I’m tired and undercaffeinated because I’ve been up early or late writing.

Bring me some coffee! I’ve got a date with a book’s worth of imaginary friends!

And now it’s been confirmed: I am definitely crazy.

If you want in on the crazy, here’s the manifesto.

Write on, friends. Write on.

Filed Under: Writing Tagged With: making time to write, NaNoWriMo, writing

Saturday smiles: alternate reality edition

November 3, 2012

Generally these weekly smiles are about my children. And they’ve still managed to make me smile from afar. But a week without children has not been a week without smiles. So, here’s the tally for this week.

Watching TV shows in real-time, instead of days later on the computer. Especially when we get to see commercials like one for LifeAlert where a woman says she’d give up “bread, beer, wine and soda” before she’d give up life alert. And one about sexual issues (not Viagara) that made me want to hide my face.

Take-out Chinese, watching TV and laughing as loudly as we want to without fear that the kids will wake up.

Dinner with a friend.

Coffee with friends.

Date night. (And trying to find a good place to take a picture. And realizing your husband’s eyes are closed for it.)

Hubby starting his new job and finishing his old job. (Repeat after me: change is good, change is good.)

A successful first day at aforementioned new job.

Mostly this week has been a breather. A chance to step back from the crazy pace of life that seems to come with parenting two active kids. To focus on things that take a back seat to the kids’ needs. (Like date night, time together, writing, sleeping.)

We pick them up tomorrow. And I miss them, so it’s good to be reuniting as a family.

We dodged a hurricane. We rested. We refocused.

And now it’s time to return to reality.

Happy weekend!

 

Filed Under: Children & motherhood, food, Friendship, Saturday smiles Tagged With: date night, new job, parenting, spending time together, vacation from kids

The meaning of life

November 1, 2012

This has been a weird week for me. With the threat of a hurricane aimed for our state, my husband and I decided to send the kids back to Illinois with their grandparents, who had been here visiting for the weekend.

So, after we prepped the house for a hurricane the best we knew how, and now that we have no clean-up post-hurricane, I’ve found myself living in a world I haven’t known in years. Without my kids to take care of, I’m a bit … aimless. Which is not exactly the same as purposeless but it’s close.

Here’s how life is different:

  • I haven’t been out of bed before 8 a.m. (I keep comparing myself to a college student, but on the parenting to college conversion chart, sleeping in till 8 a.m. is like sleeping till noon.)
  • I’m eating massive amounts of junk food.
  • I’m playing video games in my free time.
  • I’ve eaten take-out once and I’ve considered it more than once.
  • I’m watching too much television.

In short, I’m like a teenage boy. (No offense to teenage boys. I’ve never been a teenage boy, so maybe the comparison falls short.)

Seriously, what am I supposed to do with myself??? Because I’m starting to worry that my life post-kids is going to be about achieving or maintaining a pro-level rating on Wii Sports golf and tennis.

I’m exaggerating. A little.

I’ve done some reading. I’m planning to write tonight and tomorrow. We’ve cleaned and straightened up the basement (finally after last year’s flood it’s in order) and the attic. We’re taking a date night to the movies tomorrow. We’ve run some errands.

It’s kind of like vacation, except we’re nowhere exotic. And part of me feels like I should be taking this time to do something Noble and Grand and Meaningful when the fact is, I’m worn out. Sleeping and resting and taking a break seem to be what my body, mind and spirit need.

And while I grumble and cry and complain and scream about how much my life hurts and how hard it is to raise kids, I *gasp* miss them and their life-sucking needs and wants.

And also their Halloween candy. (Just kidding. Maybe.)

I’ve been chewing on this tidbit from a sermon–that the more painful your life is the more meaningful it is because all good stories have conflict–and I’m finally (after almost five years) realizing that parenting is hard because it’s meaningful.

So is whatever it is about your life that makes life hard, whether it’s your vocation, your calling, your illness, your rough patch or whatever.

And maybe it’s okay to feel a little lost and aimless and without meaning for a time.

Sometimes I forget what’s important. What’s worth my time. And sometimes I forget what it’s like to take a breath, step back and appreciate where I’m at, even when I’m not sure it’s where I want to be.

Filed Under: Children & motherhood, faith & spirituality Tagged With: calling, gratitude, Hurricane Sandy, kidless for a week, meaning, parenting, purpose, vocation

So nice I read it twice: Review of Isle of Shadows by Tracy Higley

October 31, 2012

I’ve been enjoying Tracy Higley’s biblical fiction for a year and a half now. Her stories are well-researched, well-written and have biblical application for the modern reader.

Her latest release, Isle of Shadows, is an updated re-release of a book she wrote four years ago. I first read it a year or so ago. I read it again last week and found it just as, if not more, enjoyable than the first time. Tracy has made some significant edits to the story, and it’s hard to put down. If you need a virtual trip to Greece, let this book take you there.

Isle of Shadows is set in Rhodes, Greece, 7 days before a major earthquake hits the region. Tessa, a slave and professional female companion to a leading politician, seeks freedom at any cost. When we first meet her, she’s contemplating taking her life–her only hope, so she believes–of freedom. Then her “owner” accidentally dies and Tessa begins to nurture a seed of hope. With the help of a Jewish servant, Simeon, and Nikos, a Greek slave who recently arrived on the island, Tessa crafts a plan for her freedom while seeking answers to political power moves taking place.

Even having read this book before and knowing how it ends, I was totally wrapped up in the story. I couldn’t put it down. The book releases next month. Read on for a plot summary and the first chapter. (It was previously released as Shadow of Colossus.) Put this one on your “to read” list. You won’t be sorry.

I received a free electronic copy of Isle of Shadows in exchange for this review.

Isle of Shadows

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Tracy started her first novel at the age of eight and has been hooked on writing ever since. After earning a B.A. in English Literature at Rowan University, she spent ten years writing drama presentations for church ministry before beginning to write fiction. A lifelong interest in history and mythology has led Tracy to extensive research into ancient Greece, Egypt, Rome and Persia, and shaped her desire to shine the light of the gospel into the cultures of the past.

She has traveled through Greece, Turkey, Egypt, Israel, Jordan and Italy, researching her novels and falling into adventures.

Visit the author’s website.

ABOUT THE BOOK:

In a world enslaved

by money and power

One woman dares to be free

The place is the island of Rhodes; the time, 227 BC. In the ten years that Tessa of Delos has been in bondage as a hetaeira, a high-priced Greek courtesan to a wealthy politician, she has learned to abandon all desire for freedom and love. But when her owner meets a violent death, Tessa is given the chance to be free—if she can hide the truth of his death and maintain a masquerade until escape is possible. Now Tessa must battle for her own freedom and for those she is beginning to love, as forces collide that will shatter the island’s peace and bring even its mighty Colossus to its knees.

Chapter 1

Rhodes, 226 B.C.

Seven days before the great quake

In the deceitful calm of the days preceding disaster, while Rhodes still glittered like a white jewel in the Aegean, Tessa of Delos planned to open her wrists.

The death of her body was long overdue. Her soul died ten years ago.

Ten years this day.

Tessa dragged in a breath of salty air and shivered. From her lofty position outside Glaucus’ hillside home, she watched the dusk-held city’s torches flicker to life. Across the capital, the day’s tumult at the docks slowed. The massive statue of Helios at the harbor’s frothy mouth caught the sun’s last rays as it slipped into an cobalt sea. The torch he thrust skyward seem to burst aflame, as though lit by the sun god himself.

He had been her only constant these ten years, this giant in the likeness of Helios. A central figure, as life ripped freedom and hope from her. Painful as it was, tonight she wanted only to remember. To be alone, to remember, and to mourn.

“Tessa!” A wine-sodden voice erupted from the open door behind her.

The symposium began only minutes ago, but Glaucus was already deep into his cups. Bad form in any company, but he rarely cared. Tessa inhaled the tang of sea air again and placed a steadying hand against the smooth alabaster column supporting the roof. She did not answer, nor turn, when she heard her fat master shuffle onto the portico.

“Get yourself back into the house!” Glaucus punctuated his command with a substantial belch.

“Soon,” she said. “I want to watch the sun god take his leave.”

A household servant crept out and set two torches blazing. An oily smell surged, then dissipated. From the house floated harsh laughter, mixed with the tinny sound of a flute.

Glaucus pushed his belly against her back and grabbed her arm. The linen chitôn she’d taken care to arrange perfectly fell away, exposing her shoulder. She reached to replace it, but Glaucus caught her hand. He brought his mouth close to her ear, and she could smell his breath, foul as days-old fish. “The others are asking for you.” He raised his voice to a sing-song. “‘Where is your hetaera, Glaucus?’ they say. ‘The one with more opinions than Rhodes has ships.’”

Tessa closed her eyes. She had long entertained Glaucus’ political friends with her outspoken thoughts on government and power. While his wife remained hidden away in the women’s quarters, Glaucus’ hetaera was displayed like an expensive pet with sharp teeth. She had once believed she led an enviable life. But the years had stripped her illusions.

She stroked the polished filigree of the gold necklace encircling her throat and remembered when Glaucus fastened it there, a gilding for his personal figure of bronze.

“Now, Tessa.” Glaucus pulled her toward the door. Her heart reached for the statue, clinging to her first memory of it, when Delos had been home and innocence had still been hers.

When I open my wrists, I will do it there.

The andrôn, central room of the men’s quarters, smelled of roasted meat and burning olive oil. Glaucus paused in the doorway, awaiting the attention of those who had curried enough of his favor to be invited tonight. When the small crowd lounging on low couches at the room’s perimeter turned his way, he pushed her into the lamp-lit center. “Tessa, everyone,” he shouted. “Making a grand entrance!”

The room laughed and clapped, then returned their attention to the food and wine on the three-legged tables beside them. In the corner, a young girl dressed in gauzy fabric blew thin streams of air into a small flute. Tessa’s eyes locked onto the girl’s for a moment. A private understanding that they were both objects of entertainment passed between them, and the girl looked away, as though ashamed to be seen so clearly. A fervent desire to protect the girl surfaced in Tessa, a maternal feeling that of late seemed only a breath away.

Glaucus pulled her to a couch and forced her down onto the gold-trimmed red cushions. He lowered himself at her right and leaned against her possessively. A black pottery bowl with gold designs waited in the center of their table and Glaucus ladled wine into a goblet for her. To the rest of them he said, “To Tessa… always the center of attention!” He raised his own cup, as did the fifteen or twenty people around the room.

Tessa’s gaze swept the andrôn, taking in the majority of men and the few women reclining against them. The moment suspended, with cups raised toward her, drunken and insincere smiles affixed to faces, lamplight flickering across tables piled with grapes and almonds and figs, and the flute’s lament behind it all.

Will I remember this night, even in the afterlife?

“To Tessa!” Shouts went round the room, cups were drained and thumped back to tables, and the party quickened around her. Glaucus reached for her, but she pushed him away.

He laughed. “It would appear my Tessa is a bit high-spirited tonight,” he said to the others. “And what shall be done with a mischievous hetaera?” His thick-lipped smile and raised eyebrow took in the room and elicited another round of laughter. He nodded, then turned his attention to the man on his right, resuming a conversation whose beginning she must have missed.

“Your objections earlier to the naturalization of the Jews are noted, Spiro. But to extend citizenship to the foreigners among us can often be expedient.”

Tessa could not see Spiro, his frame completely blocked by the bulk of Glaucus beside her. But his voice poured like warm oil, but underneath, Tessa heard the cold iron of his anger. He was one of few with the rank to contradict Glaucus publicly. “Like-minded foreigners, perhaps,” Spiro said. But the Jews make it no secret that they despise Greek ways. They disdain even our proudest achievement as Rhodians – our Helios of the harbor. They must be expunged, not embraced by weak-willed politicians who -”

Glaucus raised a pudgy hand. “You presume an authority not given to you, Spiro.”

“Only a matter of time, Glaucus.”

Glaucus snorted. “Again you presume. The people of this island are too clever to replace solid leadership with seductive charm.”

Spiro laughed quietly. “You have never been so complimentary, Glaucus. Seductive charm? I didn’t realize you had noticed.”

Glaucus shook his head. “Perhaps the women are affected, but it is the men who vote.”

Tessa sensed Spiro lean forward, his eyes on her. “And we both know where men’s decisions come from.”

Glaucus snorted again and swung his legs to the floor. It took several tries to raise his body from the cushions. “Get drunk, Spiro. Enjoy your delusions for one more night. But next week I sail to Crete, and I expect them to fully support my efforts.” He nudged Tessa with a sandaled toe. “Don’t go anywhere. I will be back.”

Tessa watched him leave the room, relief at his temporary absence flooding her. She was to travel to Crete with him next week. She had no intention of ever stepping onto the ship.

The previously unseen Spiro slid to her couch now, an elbow on the red cushion Glaucus had just vacated. He was older than she, perhaps thirty, clean-shaven like most of the others, but wore his jet-black hair longer, braided away from his face and falling just above his shoulders. His eyes, deep-set and darker than the night sea, studied hers. A smile played at his lips. “What are you still doing with that bore, Tessa? You could do better.”

“One slave master is as another. To have something better is only to be free.” She was not truly Glaucus’ slave in the usual sense, and Spiro knew it, but it made little difference.

Spiro smiled fully now, and his gaze traveled from her eyes, slowly down to her waist. He took liberties, but Tessa had long ago become heedless of offense. “That is what I like about you, Tessa. One never meets a hetaera that speaks of freedom. They are resolved to their place. But you are a hetaera like no other in Rhodes.”

“Why should I not be free?”

Spiro chuckled softly and inched closer. “Why, indeed? Ask the gods, who make some women wives and give others as slaves.” Spiro’s hand skimmed the cushions and came to rest on her thigh. “If you were mine, Tessa, I would treat you as the equal you deserve to be. Glaucus acts as though he owns you, but we all know he pays dearly for your favors. Perhaps it is you who owns him.” Spiro’s fingers dug into her leg and his eyes roamed her face and body again. Tessa felt neither pleasure nor disgust, a reminder that her heart had been cast from bronze. But a flicker of fear challenged her composure. Spiro, she knew, was like one of the mighty Median horses. Raw power held in check, capable of trampling the innocent if unleashed.

A shadow loomed above them, but Spiro did not remove his hand. Instead, he arched a perfect eyebrow at Glaucus and smiled. Tessa expected anger, but Glaucus laughed.

“First you to think to rule the island, Spiro, and now you think to steal Tessa from me, as though she has the free will to choose whom she wants?” Spiro shrugged and moved to the next couch. Glaucus plopped down between them again. “She will never be yours, Spiro. Even when I am dead, her owner will only hand her to the next in line to have paid for her.” He waggled an finger at Tessa. “She is worth waiting for, though, I can tell you.” Another coarse laugh.

Something broke loose in Tessa then. Caused, perhaps, by the vow taken while drinking in the memories of the harbor’s bronze statue, and the assurance that soon nothing she did would have consequence. Or perhaps it was ten years of a ruined life, commemorated this night with nothing more than continued abuse. Whatever the reason, she rose to her feet. The room silenced, as though a goddess had ascended a pedestal. She lifted her voice.

“May the gods deal with you as you have mistreated me, Glaucus of Rhodes. I will have no part of you.”

Glaucus grabbed her arm.

“Your heart is not in the festivities tonight, my dear. I understand. I will meet you in the inner courtyard later.”

He did this to save face, they both knew. Tessa wrenched her arm free of his clutching fingers, glanced at Spiro, and felt a chill at the look in his eyes. She raised her chin and glided from the andrôn.

In the hall outside the room, she looked both directions. She had no desire to stay, yet the world outside the house was no more pleasant or safe for her. She turned from the front door and moved deeper into the house.

The hallway opened to a courtyard, with rooms branching in many directions. Along the back wall, a colonnaded walkway, its roof covered with terra cotta tiles, stretched the length of the courtyard. A large cistern gaped in the center. Beside it stood a large birdcage. Its lone inhabitant, a black mynah with an orange beak, chirped a greeting.

Glaucus had said he would meet her here later, but from the sounds of the laughter behind her, the party raged without her. She should be safe for a few minutes at least. She crossed to the mynah she had adopted as her own, simply named “Mynah.” Tessa put a finger through the iron bars and let Mynah peck a hello.

Her head throbbed, as it always did when she wore her hair pulled back. She reached above her, found the pin that cinched her dark ringlets together, and yanked it. Hair loosed and fell around her, and she ran her fingers through it in relief.

A sharp intake of breath from across the room jarred her. She whirled at the sound. “Who’s there?”

A soft voice in the darkness. “I am sorry, mistress. I did not mean to startle you.”

Tessa’s heart grasped at the kindness and respect in his voice, the first she’d encountered this evening. She put a hand to her unfastened hair. Somehow she still found it within herself to be embarrassed by the impropriety he had discovered.

The man took hesitant steps toward her. “Are you ill, mistress? Can I help you in some way?” He was clean-shaven and quite tall, with a lanky build and craggy face, Glaucus’ Jewish headservant, Simeon.

“No, Simeon. No, I’m not ill. Thank you.” She sank to a bench. The older man dipped his head and backed away.

Tessa reached out a hand. “Perhaps – perhaps some water?”

He smiled. “I’ll only be a moment.”

She had disgraced Glaucus tonight, in spite of his effort to laugh off her comments. How would he repay the damage she had done him? His position as a strategos of the polis of Rhodes outranked all other concerns in his life, and he would consider her disrespect in front of other city leaders as treasonous.

In the three years since Glaucus had paid her owner the hetaera price and she had become his full-time companion, they had developed an unusual relationship. While he would not allow her to forget that she was not free, he had also discovered her aptitude for grasping the intricacies of politics, the maneuvering necessary to keep Rhodes the strong trading nation that it was, and to keep Glaucus in leadership within this democratic society. Power was a game played shrewdly in Rhodes, as in all the Greek world, and Glaucus had gained a competitive edge when he gained Tessa.

Rhodian society had declared her to be a rarity: beautiful, brilliant, and enslaved. But the extent to which the decisions of the city-state passed through her slave-bound fingers was unknown to most. And in this, she held power over Glaucus. She recalled Spiro’s unknowing, yet astute, comment earlier… “Perhaps it is you who owns him.”

Simeon returned, a stone mug in his hands. He held it out to her, and covered her fingers with his own gnarled hand when she reached for it.

His eyes returned to her hair. “I – I have never seen you with your hair down,” Simeon said. He lowered his gray head again, but did not back away, and his voice was soft. “It is beautiful.”

Tessa tried to smile, but her heart retreated from the small kindness. “Thank you.”

He didn’t look up. “If you are not ill, Tessa, perhaps you should return to the symposium. I should not like to see Glaucus angry with you.”

Tessa exhaled. “Glaucus can wait.”

Another noise at the courtyard’s edge. They both turned at the rustle of fabric. A girl glided into the room, dressed in an elegant yellow chitôn, her dark hair flowing around her shoulders. She stopped suddenly when she saw them.

“Simeon? Tessa?” What are you doing here?”

The man beside her bent at the waist, his eyes on the floor. “The lady was feeling ill. She requested water.” His eyes flicked up at Tessa, the expression unreadable, and then he left the room.

Tessa turned her attention to the girl, inhaling the resolve to survive this next encounter. At fourteen, Persephone hovered on the delicate balance between girl and woman. Glowing pale skin framed by dark hair gave her the look of an ivory doll, but it was her startlingly rare blue eyes that drew one’s attention. In recent months, as she had gained understanding of Tessa’s position in her father’s life, she had grown more hostile.

She raised her chin and studied Tessa. “Does my father know you’re out here?” Her tone contradicted the delicacy of her features.

Tessa nodded.

“So he let his plaything out of her cage?”

Tessa’s eyes closed in pity for the girl, whose mother had abandoned her for the comfort of madness.

The girl flitted to where Mynah cheeped inside her bars, picked a leaf from a potted tree, and held it to the bird. “But who am I to speak of cages?” she said. She raised her eyes to Tessa. “We are all trapped here in some way. You. Me. My mother.”

“Cages can be escaped,” Tessa said, surprising herself. She had never dared to offer Persephone wisdom, though her heart ached for the girl.

Persephone turned toward her, studied her. “When you find the key, let me know.”

“Tessa!” The voice was thick with wine and demanding. Tessa turned toward the doorway. The girl beside her took a step backward. “There you are,” Glaucus said. “I’ve sent them all away.” He waddled toward them. “I am sick of their company, also.” He seemed to notice the girl for the first time. “Persephone! Why are you not in bed? Get yourself to the women’s quarters.”

Tessa could feel the hate course through the girl beside her as if it were her own body. “I am not tired. I wished to see the stars.” She pointed upward.

Glaucus stood before them now, and he sneered at Persephone. “Well, the stars have no wish to see you. Remove yourself.”

“And will you say goodnight to Mother?” Persephone asked. The words were spoken with sarcasm, tossed to Glaucus like raw bait. Tessa silently cheered the girl’s audacity.

Glaucus was not so kind. “Get out!”

“And leave you to your harlot?” Persephone said.

In a quick motion belying his obesity, Glaucus raised the back of his hand to the girl and struck her against the face. She reeled backward a step or two, her hand against her cheek.

Tessa moved between them. “Leave her alone!”

Glaucus turned on Tessa and laughed. “And when did you two become friends?” he said.

Persephone glared into her father’s corpulent face. “I despise you both,” she said.

Glaucus raised his arm again, his hand a fist this time, but Tessa was faster. She caught the lowering arm by the wrist and pushed it backward. Glaucus rocked back on his heels and turned the hatred on her.

Tessa kept her eyes trained on Glaucus, but spoke to the girl, her voice low and commanding. “Go to bed, Persephone. I will deal with your father.” She sensed the girl back away, heard her stomp from the room.

The anger on Glaucus’ face melted into something else. A chuckle, sickening in its condescension, rumbled from him.

“High-spirited is one thing, Tessa. But be careful you do not go too far. Remember who keeps you in those fine clothes and wraps your ankles and wrists in jewels. You are not your own.”

But I soon will be.

Glaucus reached for her, and she used her forearm to swat him away like a noisome insect. “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch her. Take your fat, drunken self out of here.”

The amusement on Glaucus’ face played itself out. The anger returned. Tessa was ready.

Glaucus’ words hissed between clenched teeth. “I don’t know what has come over you tonight, Tessa, but I will teach you your place. You belong to me, body and spirit, and I will have you!” His heavy hands clutched her shoulders, his alcohol-soaked breath blew hot in her face. Every part of Tessa’s inner being rose up to defend herself.

Ten years would end tonight.

Filed Under: Fiction, The Weekly Read Tagged With: biblical fiction, earthquake, Greece, new fiction, tracy higley

When the storms come

October 29, 2012

Rain, wind, flood. Maybe snow. It’s all in the forecast for our county this week.

It’s easy to dwell on the weather when you see the rain come down outside your window and the trees begin to sway. When weather news pre-empts anything else on TV.

I haven’t been this prepared for something since our son’s birth almost three years ago. I have a bag packed, just in case. We emptied our basement of anything that would be ruined if wet. I’ve bottled some water. Packed a bag of canned goods and can openers. Filled my bathtub with water. Put fresh batteries in our radio. Gathered flashlights.

And now I wait. For my husband to get home from work (he got called in early to serve lunch to the retirement village residents; I’m glad he won’t be out in the elements tonight). Fo r the power to go out. For the winds to pick up. For the storm to rage. For whatever may come in the next 24 hours.

I feel overdramatic at times. Like a fool. Or crazy. But when the experts tell you it’s no joke. That the storm is historic. It’s not foolish to be ready.

God told Noah a storm was coming, and he built a boat. He looked like a fool to his neighbors, but he was prepared when the storm came. (I’m not saying this is a God-ordained storm.) I’ve been seeing in the Bible how God speaks to His people in the storm. It says that in Job. Jesus slept through a storm while his disciples feared for their lives. “Don’t you care that we might drown, Jesus?” He rebuked the wind and waves and asked if they had little faith.

Jesus cares about his people in the storm.

I’m dwelling on these words, instead.

But now, God’s Message,
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.

We sent the kids to Illinois with their grandparents. They arrived safely in the early morning hours today and are happily playing and visiting family this week. I feel a bit like the Pevensie parents in C.S. Lewis’ The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, who sent their children to the country to avoid the London bombings. Maybe our kids will find Narnia while they’re away.

In the meantime, we wait. And pray. And hope that our house holds the winds and waters at bay.

Filed Under: faith & spirituality Tagged With: emergency preparedness, Hurrican Sandy, Narnia, Noah, storms, The great flood, weather

Saturday Smiles: Lotsa Fun edition

October 27, 2012

There’s a storm headed our way. A monster storm that totally freaks me out. But we’re not going to talk about that today.

Today it was all about fun. We have family in town. It’s fall. So we took our annual trip to the pumpkin patch. And threw in a side trip to get the best apple cider in Pennsylvania (and some apple cider donuts).

Here are some highlights.

The fall colors around here are breathtaking right now. I love the contrast of the trees and the sky and the mountains.

Isabelle has a thing for gourds. We came home with 10 and she picked out at least half of them.

Here she is sizing up her pumpkin.

Not to be outdone, her brother picked his up.

Corban ended up with a 12-pounder. Isabelle’s weighed in at about 17.

Besides taking field trips, another fun thing about having family (and extra hands) around is all the projects you get to do.

We made eyeballs. (This is not quite how we did it, but it’s close if you want to duplicate.)

They’re surprisingly delicious, for eyeballs.

And since great-grandma sent along some new glue sticks, construction paper and markers, we had fun with craft time.

I give you Isabelle the Native American princess.

We ate at Chick-Fil-A. I like the food. My husband will soon be working there. But I don’t want this to be a habit we get into. Or maybe I do. Because today we tried the Chick-Fil-A sauce, and that stuff would be good on anything. Any. Thing.

Phil and I got a breakfast date on Friday, and I’ve had some writing inspiration. The kids got to take their “special guests” to story time.

And tomorrow, we’re sending the kids back with their grandparents while we brace ourselves for the storm. Under different circumstances, I’d welcome the reprieve. It will be less stressful preparing for and recovering from whatever Sandy might bring without the children here, but I don’t expect it to be a relaxing week.

So today we savor the fun. And batten down the hatches. (Anyone know what hatches are?) And thank God for family.

Filed Under: Saturday smiles Tagged With: apple cider, apple cider donuts, fall activities, fall colors, family visit, gourds, Hurricane Sandy, pumpkin patch

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